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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

882 replies

Rainbowb · 29/06/2020 10:31

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

OP posts:
DiscoMoo · 30/06/2020 10:30

I saw a brand new phone fly out of a car window as the car turned a corner (must have been on the dashboard) and ran into the road to rescue it. I posted on the local FB sites and the owner was identified within the hour. I arranged for them to come and collect and opened the door to a sullen teenager. I asked him to prove the phone was his by unlocking it, he said it was his dad’s phone and went to a nearby car where there was a woman waiting. She came back to the door and said it was her husband’s phone, I asked her to prove it and she huffed and puffed and then rang it from her phone. I handed the phone over, and she flounced off, not a word of thanks for rescuing the phone or ensuring I didn’t hand it over to a random! The guy whose phone it was never even messaged me himself to say thanks.

ConcreteUnderpants · 30/06/2020 10:31

Yes!! I let someone use my garage for storage for free.
Then he put his own lock on and disappeared. But still uses my garage.

Really puts you off doing someone a favour, which feels terrible.

Aurorie11 · 30/06/2020 10:44

Years ago I was about 20, somehow and I still cant believe how I agreed to it, I babysat for a colleague and his wife so they could go to a Christmas party. We were on the same team but wouldn't have said we were close colleagues.
Anyway said colleague and wife had 5 kids! Off they went to be fair kids were well behaved, they come back later, a brief thank you no chocs or bottle of wine. So they had a free babysitter going rate for someone to look after 5 wouldn't be cheap, never did it again

Booper42 · 30/06/2020 10:46

I once looked after a friends massive nutty dog whilst they went on a luxury holiday for two weeks. It was a nightmare from start to finish! fighting with my dog, trying to sleep in the bed with us, stealing food, crapping everywhere, and chewing anything and everything the second our backs were turned! I was exhausted by the end of it. We were rewarded with a cheap bottle of wine that was undrinkable. Never. Again.

They have recently announced that when the flights start up again, they will be going away again, they now have 2 nutty dogs and they will have to go into a kennels because there is no way we are going through that again!

Fanthorpe · 30/06/2020 10:56

Out running a few years ago I passed a man standing in the road, he called out to me and asked very nicely if I could tell him where he was. It quickly became obvious that he was extremely confused, he struggled to tell me his name, and certainly didn’t know where he lived. We went into the shop we were near, and the lady offered to phone the police. After about half an hour with this poor man, waiting for the police, a young man came into the shop looked around and saw us. He came over, took the man by the arm and walked out, without a word. As I left they were outside and the confused man was trying to explain that I’d waited with him and been kind, the young man just looked at me blankly then got him in the car and they drove away.

I felt really sad for them both really, I don’t regret helping, more regret how it went.

cleanasawhistle · 30/06/2020 11:16

@Russellbrandshair

Be like Phoebe in friends and say I wish I could help but I don't want to sorry lol

Loooool this is excellent

I have always been a people pleaser,been taken advantage of on many occasion and always get stuck doing things I really don't want to do....and usually at a cost to me ie.giving regular lifts to places out of my way and never an offer of petrol or parking money. Lots of occasions where once I was'nt any use to friends I have been dumped.

Made an announcement on SM after my 50th.....I have now decided that 50 is the age where I will not do anything that I really don't want to do.

Letsgetthishousesold · 30/06/2020 11:19

Giving stuff away just to get it out of the house and it ends up being more hassle than it’s worth and I wish I’d just skipped it.

They want it delivered, they can’t come till a week on Tuesday etc etc.

cleanasawhistle · 30/06/2020 11:40

@Grapewrath

When dd was in primary school her friend was the child of a single parent who worked really hard. Anyway as I was a Sahp I helped her out a lot so she didn’t have to pay a childminder. I never begrudged it and had an awful amount of respect for her doing anything. These days ran into my other kids birthdays so she was included in their trips out and parties, and of course dds. Anyway I was more than happy to help until said Mum had a party for her dd and invited all of their friends apart from dd, who was devastated. I was completely shocked that she’d be so unkind after the kindness I’d shown her.
This exact same thing happened to us. Only found out because the mother announced it on SM.
Sunnydayshereatlast · 30/06/2020 11:54

Once turned a corner in my car to see a young girl about my dd's age crashed into a tree. Smoke coming from the bonnet - pulled over a way to the side and got her out. Apparently she was on her way to a festival and could I get the alcohol from the footwell?! I rang her dm and waited with her /rang police etc as her car was dangerous on a bend. Fire brigade came, police came, then her dm who didn't even acknowledge I was stood there!
Charming!!

Shedbuilder · 30/06/2020 12:06

Booper42, you've reminded me of a time I agreed to house and dog-sit for some wealthy people who live in a beautiful house with a huge garden overlooking the sea in Cornwall. They were friends of friends and money wasn't involved. I thought it was going to be a treat, a fortnight by the sea in a luxury home in May.

The dogs were lovely. One big young bouncy Labrador and one cute terrier. Only one problem. The terrier was a great escaper and couldn't be allowed out into the garden unless he was on a long lead or in the fenced-in dog run — and when he was left in the dog run he barked, and that annoyed the neighbours, so he was only to be put in the run when the neighbours were out.

I waved the family off on their holiday and then thought I'd start by taking both dogs for a walk into the local village. Except neither were used to going for walks and neither were good on the lead. They also went crazy when they saw other dogs. The Labrador was so strong I couldn't manage him and the other dog at the same time. The neighbours appeared to be out so I locked the terrier in the run and took the Labrador out and started training him. When we got back there was a note through the door from the neighbours telling me the terrier had howled for the past hour and please don't leave him out there.

And so my fortnight of dog hell started. I could take them out in the car (I had crates for them both) but couldn't leave them in the car because it was too hot and they barked when I got out of the car. I couldn't cope with them both on leads so we couldn't go walking as I'd hoped. If I left them in the house or the dog run they barked and howled and the neighbours complained.

I occasionally managed to snatch an hour or two when the neighbours were out and locked them both in the run and raced to the supermarket for supplies, but otherwise I couldn't work out how I could safely take them both out or leave them. In the second week it rained heavily and I had to wear waterproofs to walk the terrier around the two acres of garden on a lead several times a day. I exercised the Labrador by throwing balls for hours a day.

When the family returned I expressed surprise that the dogs didn't seem to be used to going out and meeting other people and dogs and they said that as the garden was so large it didn't seem necessary to take them out. They normally had a housekeeper who came in most days and helped look after the dogs and if they were away for a day or two the dogs went into a local kennels or the housekeeper stayed over and looked after them.

They asked me to do another fortnight the following year, and they also asked again at Christmas. I said no and they seemed very surprised.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/06/2020 12:16

IhateBoswell your handbag incident reminds me of when I used a shopping centre loo and found someone had left theirs behind on the door hook.
Loaded down with shopping I tucked it into one of the bigger bags so as to take it to security, only to find her waiting outside the door having realised where she'd left it

She immediately decided I'd "hidden it away" in order to steal it, and though I tried to explain she was already shouting how disgusting I was to all in the queue ... embarrassing to put it mildly

cleanasawhistle · 30/06/2020 12:31

Very cold wet winter so roads were very icy.
Not too bad for us as we didn't have to leave the house.
My husband decides to do a good deed and went with a shovel and up to the gritter box and spreads some out over the worse bits of ice.
A neighbour came out to speak to my husband.....not to thank him but to sugest he goes around the corner with the grit and put some over there also......no offer of help.

Rainbowbagel · 30/06/2020 12:58

These anecdotes are breaking my heart, I feel like I am always eager to help out others and others are very wary to do the same - I am now starting to understand why.

I fell over on my run the other day, cut my knee and made a hole in my leggings and a lady literally stepped over the top of me, I didn’t expect a hand out in these times but a ‘are you okay?’ Would have been nice...

After this thread I realise others have just been bitten one to many times.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/06/2020 13:20

When dd was in primary school her friend was the child of a single parent who worked really hard. Anyway as I was a Sahp I helped her out a lot so she didn’t have to pay a childminder. I never begrudged it and had an awful amount of respect for her doing anything. These days ran into my other kids birthdays so she was included in their trips out and parties, and of course dds.
Anyway I was more than happy to help until said Mum had a party for her dd and invited all of their friends apart from dd, who was devastated. I was completely shocked that she’d be so unkind after the kindness I’d shown her.

Some of these CFs seem so clever and calculating with knowing exactly how to exploit other people's goodwill, but I'm baffled by the way they will suddenly kill the golden goose (from their pov). Even if she didn't care less about you, you'd have thought that, for the sake of one extra child at a party, she'd have seen it as an 'investment' against how much she'd be able to continue trying to rinse you.

Same also with those who don't say Thank you or give any acknowledgment to regular kindnesses. They must be so arrogant, entitled and/or stupid (in spite of their wiliness in using people). Even if they're sneering at you internally, you'd think they'd realise that a sincere-sounding Thank you would keep oiling the wheels and keeping you sweet to maintain you as a useful 'asset'.

As for the angry, screaming woman whose phone was found: why ever would you do that before the kind stranger has told you where to come to collect it from? I'd just fake apologise to them for disturbing their phone from where they'd obviously intentionally left it and say I'd leave it on the park bench (or similar) so that it would be very easy for them and any thieves to see it, when they were ready to come back for it. If they were still rude, I'd tell them I was just going to put it in the nearest bin. I wouldn't do that, but they'd be getting no more hep from me until they'd at least been civil to me about it.

Roussette - When you say 'oven tray', do you mean a specific one that goes with the model of oven - for which a replacement could probably be bought quite easily? Please don't tell me they're referring to a standard baking tray that you could buy from Poundland?!

Charity1. We have to help? Errrr ... usually we're just given the money

Charity 2. Four days before the event, having never provided names of the volunteers despite many requests: "We are busy you know; we have families and don't have time for this"

This is actually helpful to you, as they're self-identifying that they're the kind of people who, far from pitching in to support a charitable cause that is dear to their hearts, have merely seized on a charity as a means of exploiting it and making money from it for themselves, without caring a fig about the actual charity itself.

Please note: I am NOT by any means including in this all people who are paid to work for charities (as I do myself) and for whom it's a mutually beneficial relationship, allowing them to support themselves and their families whilst working passionately for the charity that they believe in.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/06/2020 13:30

I've learnt the hard way that some people plead poverty when they just have different priorities. One friend pleads poverty and happily will accept others to pay for nights out and meals - but saves most of her money for exotic travel.

Linking back to my above charity comments, I think that some people genuinely believe that others have an excess of spare money an time that they're desperate to use up and that they're almost 'earning' it through 'fundraising' it from others. Either that or they just don't see other people as important people in their own right - or they perceive the lack of complaining and begging as a sign that you're living in wild profligate abundance, rather than just being an adult, accepting your lot and cutting your cloth like other responsible people. Like these idiots who will justify it by saying "But I like the finer things in life!" as if other people don't! By all means work harder or longer to enable you to get them if luxuries are important to you, but don't just beg them from others as if you should have them by rights.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 30/06/2020 13:32

@DontLookTwice I think you need to have a chat with your daughter about the type of men she hangs around with. Two rude men friend or otherwise doesn’t set a great standard of being treated well.

Saddlesore · 30/06/2020 13:44

This is small in the scale of things, but it really bugs me... when you hold a door open for a person (so it doesn’t slam in their face) and they then just waltz through with no acknowledgement - like you’re an unpaid doorman....

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/06/2020 14:04

We used to have a friend at uni who, over time, we realised was one of life's takers. She was always full of woe about how life had treated her badly and how hard-up she was and, when a nice (moderately-priced) day or meal out was proposed, she would always enthuse about how that was exactly what she so badly needed to take her mind off today's horrendous catastrophe, but she was gutted to have to sit out, as she just couldn't afford it. Of course, somebody would offer to pay for her and she effusively accepted.

One time, a few years after we'd all left uni she asked us to help her with decorating and some minor renovations on her (very nice) new house, which was already a very nice size for her small family, but she'd decided also needed extending. Apparently, she didn't have any other means of getting the essential work done. A number of us spent a lot of money on petrol and overnight accommodation and she set to giving us jobs to do, whilst she looked after her young child. By which she meant go for a nap whilst we tried to keep the child out of mischief.

She also asked if we could help her complete an official form, as she had dyslexia (far enough). It was a benefits claim form and one of the questions asked about savings. She told us that she had some savings (turned out to be tens of thousands), but that she didn't think it fair to have to declare these, as she wanted to spend them on the extension and other lovely renovations. We were horrified as we were all just about getting by for money and she'd led us to believe that she was much harder up than we were. She was most put out when we refused to help her lie on the form.

It turned out that she was getting higher-rate disability benefit because she was completely unable to work and also generous agricultural subsidies for working and tending her own very large plot of land!

I think that a lot of folk genuinely believe that , once money is allocated as 'savings', it's sacrosanct and is legitimately out of bounds for anything apart from their own big dream purchases. Therefore, they are skint and don't have any money available to pay their way or repay you for lending/subbing them, as their current account is empty. It's like they see their savings as some kind of trust fund, set up by them, for their benefit, but completely locked away until they choose to access it for a significant purchase.

The rest of us in the real world also like/would like to have savings for big luxury purchases, but we accept that they come after we've paid for all of our necessary bills and costs - and then that they will grow more slowly if we also choose to buy little luxuries along the way.

MostTacticalNameChange · 30/06/2020 14:30

Being the first of my friend group to pass my test and get a car (after having worked since age 13) was a very bittersweet experience - friends ringing in the middle of the night for lifts, zero offers of petrol money, trying to eat and smoke in the car, deciding we are going on days/nights out only to be told I was driving them all (along with all the picking up and dropping off). I used to pick up my friend and her boyfriend from the bus stop if I was passing and the twats used to both get in the back seat like I was a chauffeur. I didn't really see it for what it was at the time - I thought I was just popular. Makes me angry now.

Another was when I moved house. There wasn't any way to get my newish expensive corner group into the new house. I asked parents if they wanted it and they did, no money exchanged. I moved house again a year later and mentioned the sofa would have fit here but it's theirs now. A bit later I went round and it had gone...they had given it to my sister!! I asked why I hadn't been given first refusal only to be told 'it was given to us as a gift and we can do what we like with it'. Suuuper fucked off. Always trying to gain daughter brownie points but somehow always ending up as the baddy.

rc22 · 30/06/2020 15:41

I've posted about my cheeky friend a couple of times on here and just keep thinking of things.

A group of us all lived quite close together very close to a town centre. We often
met for meals, drinks etc in the town centre. Was easy for us all to get there and easy to get home after having a few glasses of wine or gins! Friend decided she was sick of town centre living and was moving to a village about 15 minutes drive away. I asked if she was sure about this and wouldn't she miss the convenience of where she lived now especially when we went out for a drink. In all seriousness she declared, "well I was thinking you can collect me before a night out then I can kip down on your sofa for the night and you can run me home in the morning." Anyway I made sure that didn't happen and she had to drive herself and not drink or get taxis. A few months later she started seeing a new bloke. On a night out she said that he was coming from his home and picking her up to take her home. We said this was kind of him and the reply we got was,"yes well he doesn't mind as it thinks it's dreadful that my friends won't pick me up and drop me off on nights out."

I know it doesn't quite fit the topic of the thread but along the same lines!!

Roussette · 30/06/2020 15:55

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

It was an oven tray that fitted on the runners of the oven. There were 3 oven racks in total but this woman must've known that Neff often supply an oven tray. It wasn't like she didn't have the racks to put her own baking trays on!

Madness!

Graphista · 30/06/2020 16:35

@Happynow001 I agree - undx - but still yes I strongly suspect that's the case and not just in the blasé way it's often mentioned on here. She's learned it off dad but taken it to a whole other level! Very dysfunctional family.

@Binny36 seriously - do some assertiveness training.

But I would say:

1 stop apologising when you have done nothing wrong

2 learn the power of the word "no"

3 stop giving too much power to people who don't care about YOUR needs and feelings by caring too much about THEIR needs and feelings.

4 be clear, concise and unequivocal - don't give false excuses that give them a chance to get round you

Eg the antenatal class woman:

"No I'm not lending X out" - immediately there's nowhere for her to go, no 'ill just go when your dh is in' 'I'll come when you get back' etc you've not been rude or confrontational or personal you've just stated that it's a no.

CF don't not recognise hints THEY IGNORE THEM because they think they're entitled to whatever it is they're asking for and their needs are FAR more important than yours (or anyone else's) so hints don't work, you have to be CLEAR.

Graphista · 30/06/2020 16:36

@DontLookTwice I agree there's often resentment at the heart of the entitlement.

My sister has made comments along the lines of me

  • being better off than her (I'm not, I just budget sensibly and don't fritter money away)
  • that I'm parents favourite (definitely not true when it comes to mum but creepily true re dad - not a good thing and a weird thing to envy!)
  • being "luckier" than her regarding education and employment (no, I am actually less able than her academically, she's actually very smart but she doesn't apply herself and quits too easily when she's bored. I hold 2 degrees now but left school with 3 "c" at gcse and had to go to college part time to get more and a-levels in order to stand a chance at a decent job. I worked from I was 13 in "proper"
Jobs and always was a grafter went the extra mile and got good experience and references as a result. She didn't bother revising for GCSEs and so achieved far worse grades than predicted, started college to 'make up' but kept skipping classes and not doing homework eventually dropping out before end of the 1st year. She then started a YTS - remember them? - but was constantly taking sickies and not making the effort and the employer dropped her before completion as he couldn't rely on her. She's since had a ton of jobs from entry level/nmw stuff to more responsible roles - having lied on cv! And not held a job for more than about 18 months her whole life, I've not had a "career" as such mainly due to mostly being a forces dependent - dad then ex - so moving around but I've got decent vocational qualifications and references/experience because I was dependable, hardworking and willing to put the effort in to eg do evening classes to supplement on the job training. Unfortunately not working currently as disabled/sick)
  • luckier with men (ha! I'm divorced after a marriage that barely lasted 10 years, I've not met anyone worth committing to since, most are ime looking for a chief cook and bottle washer and sex on tap without offering equal effort in return! Except for 1 guy when I was younger - I'm late 40's now, this was when I was early 30's. For medical reasons I can't have any more babies, he wanted to have dc as he's none at this point and it was just an impasse that we couldn't break. But to all intents and purposes I've been single for nearly 18 years. She has bounced from man to man inc married men, frequent jail residents, addicts and other types of losers. Her ex was of this type and they were together long enough to have 3 dc together none of which were planned and I think he wasn't really interested in being a dad, but she thought it'd tie him to her. They never married as he refused to, both were hopeless at running a home, budget etc so my parents and I were constantly bailing them out both financially and practically. Mum
used to - maybe still does but won't admit it to me - go over once a week each to sort her home out - laundry, cleaning, dishes, the lot. He couldn't hold down a job either, and despite their not being married he was more than happy to run up debts in both or even just her name - gambling addict. When they split both their actions resulted in her losing yet another home and struggling to find another and losing her youngest 2's places in childcare)

But to hear her tell it I lead a charmed life and she's had nothing but bad luck!

Graphista · 30/06/2020 16:37

My heart goes out to those of you who provided so much care for people and their loved ones didn't appreciate it at all! I come from a nursing background plus have cared for various elderly/disabled relatives at points and thankfully it's been acknowledged and appreciated.

But certainly I know of one such tale in my own family, the person who was the main carer moved in with the caree and sacrificed so much inc career to care for them. They did it willingly and without being pressured to by the rest of the family but still it was a huge change for them. The others mostly did their part in giving them a break when they could except.,well I think you can all guess right?

One person who begrudged every moment spent there, quibbled over every item of expenditure that was to ensure both caree and Carer’s life was made as easy as possible in the circumstances, even though they were the person best off financially out the lot! And challenged every medical/care decision if it remotely inconvenienced them.

At the funeral they were wailing like a professional mourner, commanding most of the attention and making out as if they were the main carer to anyone they could get away with it to!

Things reached a head when it came to the will reading and this person wasn't put down to get an heirloom they wanted and kicked off about it!

The eldest son practically dragged her out the solicitors office and at that point basically told her she should be ashamed of her behaviour, owed the main carer a major apology and to wind her neck in over the will!!

The stones on these people are something else! No shame!

Graphista · 30/06/2020 16:37

Like these idiots who will justify it by saying "But I like the finer things in life!" as if other people don't! omg yes! Back to my sister again (but she’s not the only one I’ve come across like this and it’s become a bit of a trope argument between boomers and millennials a la ‘they say they can’t afford a house deposit but they’re buying £5 coffees every morning’)

She is a single mum now and for a time was on benefits like me and STILL trying to claim I was somehow way better off as she couldn’t POSSIBLY manage on benefits alone and my parents had to sub her regularly - why? Mainly because she REFUSED to stop buying her favourite brands/price levels of things! It’s her one area of naivety - she’s totally gullible to brand promotion and her grocery shopping alone is ridiculous because the vast majority of items are named brands. She won’t bargain hunt and won’t even try other brands eg she’ll only eat Heinz beans and won’t even try Branston let alone supermarket label! Now I know most of us have a few items that we prefer a certain brand or price level but unless were very well off we make adjustments, only get them when on offer etc.

Not her. I’ve seen it be the case my mums missed out on getting a much needed purchase because she was skint after making sure sister had her only coffee she’ll drink and her dc their Kellogg’s cereal!

@saddlesore I’m afraid I have no shame in going with a loud passive aggressive “you’re welcome!” And I have to say ime the worst for this ARE certain generations, generally speaking.

@webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll (I always sing your name in my head!) I think I recall you being on these threads but there were several at the beginning of all the financial changes due to coronavirus where ops were considering claiming benefits for the first time and were most annoyed their savings prevented altogether or would reduce how much they’d receive, they thought it so unfair BUT when challenged on why they’d never thought it unfair before it affected them, or why they thought they should be exempt from the regular rules JUST because their reason for claiming was cv, or why they thought the rules should be temporarily changed (basically so it only benefitted them!) they had no suitable answers.

The clear prejudice against “regular” benefits claimants and the obvious belief that they were “genuine” while “regular” claimants were probably not was quite shocking!

I initially hoped the circumstances might mean people would become more understanding and compassionate towards we “regular” claimants - no such luck! They still saw us as being less worthy!!