To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

@Quietheart

Sorry wrong quote 🙄 that was meant for *@StCharlotte*

Umm because that's when she'll be stopping.

Sorry clicked too soon. The chef even made her a cake.
When they asked for the bill they paid the exact money, didn't even leave a tip or say thank you.

Have just been told the £410 I raised for activities for a care home I used to work in has ‘disappeared’

That's appalling, and sounds rather like when a local PTA treasurer stole most of their funds to spend on herself; of course she had a convincing sob story and the idiot school took it no further

I wouldn't have minded so much, but when I later did a boot sale there, guess who they'd asked to collect the stall fees?

Paid my relatively new cleaner all through lockdown and she quit about two weeks after she returned.

I’m a mug.

I loaned someone a cot; they sold it
I sent young relative champagne for a special birthday - still haven't heard from them a year later.
Loaned a Vax which came back filthy
Bent over backwards for bereaved relative sorting out probate, cooking, cleaning, lifts, endless emotional support etc then heard they had been bad mouthing me to whoever would listen.
Looked after someone's dog which whined all day long
A 'friend' asked for Jo Malone stuff for birthday present then gave me tacky cheap scarf for mine. I don't give to receive but really?
Made birthday cakes for 'friends' who don't even bother sending me a card.
I'm much more choosy about who I associate with these days and much happier for it!

I've had a sob story from a family member for about 5 months now. I've told them I'll lend them the whole lot of the money for what they need. They said they would decline as they are so broke that they couldn't pay it back. I said then I'd give them half and they come up with the other half, they accepted. Just seen on fb that they've booked a 2 week holiday for next year.

Not long before lock down while at a function, I asked my elderly relative if they were OK going down the stairs (there was alot) and did they need to lean on me. Quite matter of fact they told me, there was nothing wrong with them, they were very capable and why would I even suggest something so ridiculous. I ended up waffling on about liking helping people whether they like it or not they haven't spoken to me since.

I'd occasionally get letters delivered to my address for an unknown person, and I'd put them back in the post box with "not known at this address" One day a parcel arrived for this person so I decided to try and track them down, did a 192 search and found someone with the same surname further along my road at number 83 instead of my 38. I took the parcel down to them and put it through the door with a note saying please ensure you give the correct address, as I keep getting your mail. A couple of hours later a woman knocked at my door, I answered and she said the parcel was for her dd who was away at uni and I was wrong, her dd would never give the wrong address, she started then shouting that her dd even had business cards with the correct address so I was definitely wrong" 😂 I barely replied and just shut the door, and from then on when I received her dds mail I just popped it back it in the post box again.

Mine is from a while back but still rankles. Especially as it was dressed up as them helping me.
I had started my first job after university and was living in a flat about 25 miles from the town I grew up in. One friend would suggest coming over to mine to keep me company a couple of nights a week. Sweet of her I thought. I was probably a bit lonely away from uni social life. She was also in possession of my spare key so if I got stuck in traffic she could get in.
She was off work on sick leave (still getting decent pay). This went on for a couple of months over winter then the visits tailed off. I'd still see her but more likely at her shared house
Then the quarterly gas bill came. Over £360 . For a small flat. About treble what it should have been.
Basically if she was coming over for Tuesday evening she'd arrive about 10am and leave on the Wednesday about 6.30pm before I got home. Her flat mate dropped her in it. She was refusing to contribute to the gas at home as she was hardly ever there. All the while running up my bill with no intention of contributing.

@Twofurrycatsagain That’s terrible!

Mine sounds daft but I can't work it out. V v close in our family - and I paid off the end of my parents mortgage 10 years ago (in my early thirties before I marries) as a thankyou for years of scrimping and saving when we were little, and I wanted them to have security. I am sure they are mega grateful but we are rubbish ar talking in our family and they have never, ever said thankyou.. If they found it hard to speak even a card I would have appreciated. But never ever referred to. I keep telling myself that underneath they feel it and they would be absolutely devastated to think they haven't said thanks (I am sure they think they have, if you get what I mean) but it often pops into my head

Should have said... I don't regret it a bit, but just odd to not say thanks

Not sure whether this fits with the "kind gesture" but here goes.

When I was in my early 20s I cared for my partner through his cancer battle. I gave up everything to look after every need he had and attend every chemo, radio, surgery, specialist appointment etc with him. Administered his meds, cooked, cleaned, massaged, washed and helped him go to the toilet, researched clinical trials, kept notes and dates etc, managing his treatment etc. When he died his mother not only decided to pretend it was she who had done this for him, but that I was just "a friend" of his, when she wasn't slagging me off to all and sundry for existing. So I was erased from his life, essentially.

Because I was young and confused with poor self-esteem I kept trying with this woman and ran errands for her, bought her gifts I could ill afford, sent her on spa days so she could relax, stayed in regular touch and would visit her when I could after he had passed. I felt so bad her son had died. Then one day I stopped and have never heard from her again.

I loved my partner so I don't regret anything. But while I understand she is human and was dealing with everything in her own way, albeit the wrong way when it came to me and in many other respects, her behaviour boggles my mind.

I think sometimes people resent others for having the resources they don’t, or feel patronised if others help them. They reassert their own sense of power by abusing the kind kindness in some way. Or they feel the other person is helping to make themselves feel good. Which is very sad.
A lot of people lack empathy too, so they may tell themselves ‘ that person is loaded/ doesn’t want for anything/ is smug so they won’t care’. Unfortunately my sister is a CF and so is my mother. It hurts even more when it’s family.

@Nellienamechanger

Oh the support group thing... I’m worried people think this of me with my parents. We live near. I call all the time and constantly offer help/ organise prescriptions/ food deliveries etc but they still get neighbours to go do things for them when I only live 5 mins away! And when I ask why didn’t they ask me, they say they didn’t want to disturb me as I’m so busy! Drives me round the twist; I’m here to help. My name is probably mud but there’s not much I can do about it.

I don't blame the children/other relatives at all - it's usually fairly clear that they haven't been asked, the elderly person has just decided that they shouldn't be bothered. As a pp said, I think they feel that they are much more independent and not relying on people if they call me rather than their child, but I just find this a bit confusing and slightly annoying. They're still relying on kindness, just the kindness of strangers! I think some of them think that getting a volunteer to do it is like paying someone, but handily without actually needing to pay someone.

Got a flat with a friend just out of university. Her parents were going through a hideous divorce so she had no money. I paid the deposit and for quite a lot in the house. It turned out she was a nightmare to live with. She would use all the food we had to make elaborate food for friends or her boyfriend then leave most of it. She would either have noisy sex or screaming rows all night with her boyfriend. It was all very dramatic and theatrical.
Then she decided to move in with one of the boyfriends and left a month before the tenancy was up.
Her carpet in her room was destroyed with cigarette burns and so I lost all the deposit. Then I discovered she hadn’t paid any of her half of the council tax so I ended up having to pay all that.
I was so broke I had to move back in with my parents.
I tried to get the money back but she just refused to speak to me.
I bumped into her a few years ago and she was quite a sad cow. Lots of relationships but they never lasted long. I still hate her!! Grrr

@anxietyaunt- this is similar to my mum. Her partner/friend moved in when he got cancer (previously lived separately). Mum cared for him, appointments, feeds, toileting, bought a specialist bed etc. He needed 24hr care & she couldn't leave the house without asking someone to mind him. She too is elderly.

He qualified for a significant financial payout due to the cancer being linked to his work. The payout was based on the 24hr care my mum gave him. The family did nothing to assist! After death, mum asked the family for the cost of the specialist bed she'd bought. She never ask for the 5mths of food costs, care, petrol & ALL the other expenses. They reimbursed her for the cost of a pillow and sheets for the bed!!! His payout was a record amount of 6 figures!!!

Mine was my aunt once rang me out the blue as she needed a lift to go pick up her car from a garage. The garage wasn't close and was about a 45 min trip one way. I hadn't long been driving at this time either. Off I go to help her out and wasn't even offered any petrol towards going out my way (I wouldn't have taken it but an offer would have been nice). We only hear off the family when they want something, it's always me trying to keep in touch.

Mentoring younger colleagues who have no practical experience of the industry sector our company works in as they have just come out of uni. I have 30 year experience which they then pass off as their own. They get promoted and I am pushed out of the business. However the board expect that "we're happy to work with you on a freelance basis"
Lesson learn; they can all fuck off.

[quote Elouera]@anxietyaunt- this is similar to my mum. Her partner/friend moved in when he got cancer (previously lived separately). Mum cared for him, appointments, feeds, toileting, bought a specialist bed etc. He needed 24hr care & she couldn't leave the house without asking someone to mind him. She too is elderly.

He qualified for a significant financial payout due to the cancer being linked to his work. The payout was based on the 24hr care my mum gave him. The family did nothing to assist! After death, mum asked the family for the cost of the specialist bed she'd bought. She never ask for the 5mths of food costs, care, petrol & ALL the other expenses. They reimbursed her for the cost of a pillow and sheets for the bed!!! His payout was a record amount of 6 figures!!![/quote]
That’s dreadful. People really are horrible, aren’t they. In my case my partner’s mother was wealthy already (so not sure why I was buying her spa packages on my crappy salary!), but as soon as he died she rushed out and bought a new car with his money because “that’s what he would have wanted”. Meanwhile I was just trying to put one foot in front of the other as my world collapsed around me.

I feel awful, but I've been on the other side of this.

A friend of a friend (I'd met her once or twice) offered for me to stay in her house whilst I was house hunting in a new city, that she lived in. It turned out she was away that weekend but allowed me to stay anyway. Really lovely of her (I bought wine and chocolates to say thanks).

She had an ensuite in her room and a main bathroom, I chose to use the main bathroom to have a shower, couldn't get the shower to work so had a bath. Enjoyed my bath, went down to make s cup of tea to find my bath water pouring through the ceiling!

Of course I offered to pay for the damage but I felt just awful. Thankfully once it dried out it was ok and we remained friends after I moved to the city. But I expect she was cursing me for s while!

@123fushia

Elderly man in my book club. (80) Lives alone and I rang him a couple of times a week at beginning of lockdown to check in on him. Took him a few newspapers and had regular phonechats. He has phoned me and left voicemails that I feel are inappropriate about how pretty I looked ( I didn’t.) He liked my hair tied back but likes it too, sweeping my face. My frame is small and petite (14/16!). I am quite busy with different things going on which I agree must be quite interesting to listen to as he doesn’t go anywhere at present. He will be waiting for me to call this week but I don’t want to. I am thinking about leaving the book club when it starts up again. He’s creepy and it makes me uneasy about how to respond and stop contact. Any advice gratefully received.

Just don't call, this is not your problem. Don't stop going to the book group though, just be polite and shut down conversation. Do not feel guilty!

Can't really think of any major ones (does that mean I'm the CF and don't realise it?! 😂)

But the people across the road from us, I don't take parcels for them any more after a couple of huge ones and they never came for them, or even opened their door when we knocked on for ages!! So annoying when you have a tiny hallway. We would knock on as soon as we we saw them arrive home and they just didn't answer.

3rd time I was asked to take a parcel for them I said no, which I didn't feel bad about since the delivery person had just blocked my drive for ages and so I was sat in the car in the road waiting for him to move so I could park in my drive after returning from the shops, and he didn't even apologise.

I was also shouted at for retrieving some paperwork that had blown off a pub bench into a road in central London.

They were probably a civil servant and the papers were top secret documents!

I am shocked at some of these and they make my own examples seem quite trivial.

The elderly neighbour I mentioned earlier (whose family said I was encouraging him to spend his money) was ill just after New Year about four years ago. It was a Sunday and we were due back at work on the Monday. He had a dreadful cough and eventually I said I'd get him some cough medicine from tbe pharmacy. I brought it back for him but suggested I rang 111 for an emergency doctor. He was so ill that he agreed instantly. He was put on all sorts of medication as a result. That week, I rang him from work each day (to make sure he was still alive!) and took meals round each evening. I asked about his family but he didn't like to worry them as they were busy! I was busy! I worked full time and they didn't work but were on benefits. It was four days before they turned up and never once acknowledged what I'd done for him. If I hadn't rung 111 when I did, he would have certainly ended up in hospital.

A few years ago I went shopping with my 6 year old daughter. We called a taxi and went and stood outside to queue for it.
The couple in front got in their taxi and drove off. I then realised the lady had left her handbag on the front of the trolley. I picked it up and took it over to one of the drivers who was parked up, and asked him to radio through to the other car to let the passenger know.
I then went back and stood with my trolley. All of a sudden the taxi with the couple came back, and the man got out with an absolutely furious face and came marching right up to me, saying "where is the bag off that trolley?!"
I honestly thought he was going to hit me, luckily the driver I gave it to saw it all and shouted "Oi! She's just given it me to give you!" . He went and got it and got back in the car without so much as a look in my direction, let alone a thank you.