To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

@endofthelinefinally I am so sorry for you, how shocking

CF’s rely on you feeling embarassed. Just be clear and calm. They’re your things, and once you stand up for yourself it gets easier. Never make an excuse, never make up a reason. You just don’t want to.

I don't think you have to be totally blunt Binny, but don't be dishonest either iyswim?

The reason you didn't want to lend it to her, was that you don't like landing things? Is that right? I think saying that would have been perfectly acceptable to any reasonable person. "Sorry, but I don't really like lending these sorts of things to people". Then if she persists, go with the "no sorry that really doesn't work for us" or whatever.

When you said "I'm not at home", she took what you said at face value and thought she had a solution to that; going round to collect it anyway!

I have had to really learn not to people please and just be honest, so I totally sympathise!

Some of these are truly awful!! Another mum I provided after school childcare for was a real pain. She never told the school I was picking the child up so consequently I was repeatedly left waiting in reception while the school had to ring round trying to get hold of her before they could hand the child over to me. Just a bit of consideration from her would have saved my time and the poor school staff. After several occasions of this I ended up declining.

I have a CF friend who I've known for years. When we go out for meals she always orders 3 courses plus extras plus wine (she doesnt drive) but then wants to split the bill between however many there are, despite the fact most of us have 1 or 2 courses.when I was younger, I used to give her a lift (she didn't live particularly near me) and she never once offered petrol money or parking.
Now if we go out she often lays it on thick about how long it will take her to get home on public transport, or blatantly asks me for a lift (because we live in the same county!!). I ignore, or say sorry it's not the same way I am going (Once I reckoned it would have been an hour detour) and I know she wouldnt offer petrol money.my stance is that she agreed to meeting without knowing or asking if I would be there to act as an unpaid taxi so shes grown up enough to sort out her own transport.

Not a kind gesture by me but this really taught me a valuable lesson when I was a newly qualified Solicitor. I worked at a small High street firm. We all used the local chippy for lunch quite regularly. My boss gave the Chippy owner some free legal advice one day - would have been several hundred pounds billed took quite a bit of time. He later went to chippy and ordered a fish with peas and paid. He was a health conscious man but then said oh can I have a few chips. Chippy owner said that will be 20p and held his hand out. Boss came back to office and recounted story in total shock. Valuable lesson that people don’t value professional services.

Work wise I have. I work in a complaints role.

Several times I’ve gone out of my way to be helpful, far over and above what the company policy/regulators would expect and causing much more work for myself - only for the customer to turn into a complete cunt, escalating, threatening, demanding xyz.

It’s really hard not to become completely jaded by what absolute bellends some people are when you’re trying to help them.

Have just been told the £410 I raised for activities for a care home I used to work in has ‘disappeared’.
Last time I fundraise for anything. I will gift food item to either the food bank or animal charity of my choice instead.

I've learnt the hard way that some people plead poverty when they just have different priorities. One friend pleads poverty and happily will accept others to pay for nights out and meals - but saves most of her money for exotic travel. It would be fine if she was open about it but she genuinely acts as if she can't afford food - then is off to the Galapagos Islands/Thailand/Australia/South America. I've known a few people like this over the years.

Bargebill19
I would be phoning the police and the local authority.

[quote Happynow001]@Binny36

This is really helping me. I recently posting about only attracting user friends and friends that test my boundaries. Any tips on how to stop people taking advantage?
Learn to say No firmly and with no prevarication. "I'm sorry that that's just not possible. Hope you manage to find another solution. Bye now!." "Oh what a shame but that really doesn't work for us. Goodness is that the time? Must dash!" [/quote]
Be like Phoebe in friends and say I wish I could help but I don't want to sorry lol.

@endofthelinefinally

I can’t prove who’s had it where it’s gone. They could easily say I took it. 🤬

@whatisheupto

Oh *@StCharlotte* please don't feel bad .. I think the fact you are showing gratitude and you will be sending a gift (and you are family) all make the world of difference.

Thank you, that does make me feel better

Yes I sent a baby gift to the niece of a lady I worked for in America. I had gotten to know Niece and we regularly caught up in SM.

Anyway sent it off, didn’t hear anything for weeks so I just checked in to see if she had got it it, she said yes we got it...

That was it no thank you etc and had no Intention on thanking me had I not asked. So rude and I regret spending my money In her.

[quote Ellisandra]@Undead76 what did you expect him to do? Doth his cap at them and then save something he didn’t like, to eat cold when it had been sat about for ages? Just because he’s homeless doesn’t mean he has to force down their offerings. It would have been better to suggest to your kids that the homeless should have the dignity of choice. Was their need to do a surprise gesture more important? You should have said they wanted to get him something, and what would he prefer? And he ready to deal with it if he said, “money, please.”[/quote]
I would have expected him to act like a human being and see that two small kids had thought of someone other than themselves, made a nice gesture and been respectful to them. If he didn't want it he could have binned it when they went away, not been rude to their faces. In short, not to act like an arsehole, homeless or not.
You sound about as nice as he was.

I found a phone whilst out walking my dog in a field near where a circus had set up, the phone was unlocked so I called the "home" number and left a message on the answer machine. I then got a call from a woman shouting at me and demanding to know where her phone was, she couldn't remember losing it so I was to blame 🤷‍♀️ when she arrived to collect it she just snatched it and stormed off. I completely regretted giving her my address and wished I'd chucked the phone in the river.

Found another phone a few months later, the owner started ringing it shortly after I found it and was lovely and pleasant and we arranged for her to collect it from my house straight away, she came back again the following day with 2 bottles of wine and restored my faith in phone losers 😁

My partner and I along with a 7 year old DD bought a really small flat. 1 bedroom, lounge and box room. My sister and her DS moved in for ‘a few months - just while she found somewhere else to live’. They stayed 3 years.
The only time I regretted it really though was when I’d had a long day at work, ran a lovely hot bubbly bath and was just relaxing nicely, when her DS who was about 4 decided he really needed a poo. He did, and it wasn’t just your regular pebbly one, it had a stink of epic proportions and needed about an hour of airing to be able to enter the room without a gas mask. She never even apologised!

When in my 20s, I worked in London. I used to frequent a little Italian cafe in a little alleyway first thing in the morning and buy a cup of coffee. There was a homeless chap 'lived' down there somewhere and sometimes he'd ask for 10p for a cup of tea (says how long ago). So that day I bought him a cup of tea, and took it back for him - only to get it chucked over me (ouch!) as he was under the influence of booze I think and didn't actually want tea but money towards his next fix.
So a few days later when he asked me again for 10p I called him out on it (bravado you have in your 20s ) and said he'd missed the boat and would never get anything more from me. He was obviously a bit more sober (luckily, although it was a busy spot that time of the morning) and was totally apologetic, but he never again got a penny or tea from me again.....and I will only now support Shelter and other charities that help the homeless, never part with cash or goods to anyone begging.

No. But glad I didn’t give to a homeless person I followed to renew his parking ticket

Place marking to read later.

No, I’ve never regretted it. I have lent money but only ever do so when I am sure that I’m okay with the possibility of not getting it back. In general if I’ve done something out of kindness and someone then does some thing that takes advantage of that, I don’t regret it because being kind matters more to me than the outcome.

Omg. Yes. Offered trust and kindness only to experience sneaky fuckery and petty theft.

When I was 15 I babysat about five times on a Saturday night for a single mum who lived round the corner, she was about a decade older than me but was a family friend and my mum had known her since the CF she was a little girl.

I was always promised £15 and that she'd be home for 2.00am, before she would go out she'd hold my "pay" in her hand and ask me did I really need the money, as she needed it more as a single mum. She always phrased the question in a way that put the onus on me and I felt like I would be the rude one if I said yes I would like the money.

My mum would always wait up for me coming home, and walk round and meet me half way but CF kept coming home later and later, the last time she didn't come home until noon on Sunday. My mum had words with her and put a stop to me helping out, she was even more furious when I finally admitted a few years later that she didn't even pay me. Lesson we'll learnt.

What's worse is what happened to the poor girl she got to replace me, she ended up in court for assaulting her as when CF was out on the town the local loan sharks called and forced their way in, took the TV and Stereo system. The poor girl was really shaken up about it but instead of being sympathetic when CF got home she gave her a bad beating for not protecting her stuff.

Once went on a weekend away with friends and one couple thought that DH and I had somehow volunteered to do all the cooking and cleaning. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and I was furious. I think we did one meal and then from there they didn't offer so we ended up doing breakfast, lunch and dinner x 3. We then saw on Instagram they went on holiday and were happily chipping in to cook at another holiday home (from what we saw). I will never go away with them again.

Back when I was child free and flatting. Friend of a friend of a friend of a friend new in the UK and homeless after losing a pub job. We took him in rent free and he lived on our couch for months, we fed him as well. Watching TV alone one night about 10pm this young man comes home with a new female friend. After about 10 excruciating minutes of small talk I realise he's brought her back to ours for a quick shag on my couch. Awkward as hell but they are clearly drunk and extremely keen so I am afraid I went upstairs and left them to it. Kicked him out first thing, turns out he did have an alternative place to live , just not as nice as our place. Kicker is - he left me the dirty sheets to strip and wash. Not one word of thanks. Or goodbye.