To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

A couple.
My two girls saw a homeless man outside the local shop. They went in and pooled their pocket money to buy him food and a drink. When they gave it to him he told them he didn't like what they had bought him, he wasn't hungry and that someone else had just bought him a Chinese meal.
Another one. I loaned a brand new book (unread yet by myself) to a friend at work who asked to borrow it. It was by an author who I collect and have the entire works. They returned it to me missing the dust jacket and said they had lost it. They know I am a completist and have the entire collection so it was now pretty useless to me on my bookcase. If that had happened to me I would have bought a replacement book for the friend, but they didn't offer and didn't care at all that they were returning a book with part of it missing.

When I was about 5, I let a boy in my class borrow my plastic dinosaur collection for a project. He never gave them back despite my repeatedly asking. I hadn't seen him since I was 9 when I bumped into him in a pub in town over a decade later and my friends confirmed it was him. I'd had a bit too much to drink and stormed up to him and loudly said "you're the bastard who stole my dinosaurs, YOU PRICK" everyone found it pretty funny.

A few years ago we gave away a full size fridge freezer on fb. It was about 10 years old and had signs of wear but still perfectly useable.someone claimed it. Dh said he would deliver it as he had an estate car. It took the 2 of us ages to wedge the bloody thing in the car, he drove it round to there house (they lived about 30 min away) and said they had their own van on the drive.
Another time I gave a brand new toy away on fb that IMO was faulty but the shop insisted it wasnt and refused to refund.i very clearly stated this on my fb post and said if someone was able to get it to work good luck to them. A woman claimed it....and then messaged me later to say she couldnt get it to work!! She lost nothing, I was the one who was out of pocket!!

My very elderly neighbour was widowed a few years ago.
I call in daily and see if she needs anything.
My husband and I were the only ones from our neighbourhood to attend her husbands funeral and none of the neighbours ever visit her.
A friend of mine knows all this.

Same friend also has another friend who lives on the same road as me and elderly neighbour.
When driving past my friend spotted me sitting in old ladies garden so got out her car and came over for a chat.
I introduced her to elderley neighbour.
My friend then says I have been visiting up the road,starts saying to elderly neighbour how wonderful her other friend is,you must walk up and see her instead of sitting here on your own everyday etc etc etc etc etc
I was gobsmacked, never mentioned what a nice neighbour I am,never mentioned that her wonderful friend had never been to check on this lady

@Fanthorpe

stealth nothing at all, just gently close the door in her stupid face. But I know where I’d be shovelling all the snow on the next occasion.

:o

Gosh this thread has brought it all flooding back.

At 18 I had my own flat and full time job. I'd met a girl who lived with her family on the estate and in turn she'd introduced me to her friends. After a while they ended up coming to mine every Sunday for a roast dinner. Sounds weird looking back but my mum was always hosting Sunday lunches so it was my normal and I was estranged from my family at that time.

Anyway I was ill one week and on a zero hours contract so the following week I didn't get paid a penny and couldn't afford basics for myself let alone a roast for 8 people. They all came round as usual and left an hour or so later to go and have lunch at their own homes. Didn't even offer to help me out. I'd been feeding them every Sunday for at least 8 months and the friend who lived locally pretty much most meals as it was nice company for me (I used to get home at midnight after a shift and she'd come round)
I never hosted them again.

The same girl was always boring a pound here and there to the tune of about £20 a week and effectively smoking half of every box of cigarettes I brought - she was a chain smoker. Whenever I'd mention it she'd say it wasn't normal to worry about money that I should help her - she lived with her parents and I lived alone with no help or support. Anyway it turned out she had money but didn't want to dip into her savings. In the end I refused to share anything and stopped answering the door when she'd show up.

We aren't friends any more. Oh and it helped me quit smoking as I got fed up of how much it was costing subsidising her habit!

@Undead76 what did you expect him to do? Doth his cap at them and then save something he didn’t like, to eat cold when it had been sat about for ages? Just because he’s homeless doesn’t mean he has to force down their offerings. It would have been better to suggest to your kids that the homeless should have the dignity of choice. Was their need to do a surprise gesture more important? You should have said they wanted to get him something, and what would he prefer? And he ready to deal with it if he said, “money, please.”

Had a friend who was passionate about Italian football. I was in Genoa, took a bus into town, found the Genoa FC club shop, bought him a scarf, and when I got home, gifted it to him.
Later I was about to visit Buenos Aires - same friend asked me to buy him an Argentina football shirt for him. When there, I took a morning off, trekked into town, went into three sports shops (to compare prices), and bought said shirt. Got home and rang him to say I had the shirt, which had cost £x.....'oh, I didn't think it would be that much, I don't want it'. I never spoke to him again.

Was it Maya Angelou who said....'when someone reveals themselves, for what they are, BELIEVE THEM' !

I agreed to let dds boyfriend move in for a bit as he was homeless. He'd just come out of prison, his dad had moved house without telling him and everything he had was in a carrier bag. I wanted to help him get on his feet, supported him financially and with job hunting etc. He stayed a year, never got a job, smoked weed in my house and the police had to be called when he became drunk and abusive. To cap it all he then cheated on DD while she was on holiday! Never again!

@Binny36

This is really helping me. I recently posting about only attracting user friends and friends that test my boundaries. Any tips on how to stop people taking advantage?
Learn to say No firmly and with no prevarication. "I'm sorry that that's just not possible. Hope you manage to find another solution. Bye now!." "Oh what a shame but that really doesn't work for us. Goodness is that the time? Must dash!"

I forgot to mention that although I have many many examples of being walked over when I was being kind, only one time actually hurts even now. It came to the attention of my sons school that I can do sewing/crafting type activities and make things quite well (ever so humble 😁). I was asked at Christmas to provide ideas for things that could be made to sell at the fete and then this became a request to make X amount of five or six different things to sell. I made hundreds of these handmade products and they all sold out, they raised hundreds of pounds - not a word of thanks. Then Easter time I was asked to make 200 items so there would be one for every child plus all the nursery groups and I spent January-early April making them in every hour I had spare alongside working 3 days a week and being a parent and being quite badly ill. My husband had to take the bags to the school for me and they didn’t say thanks, nothing. I did however get slagged off because the items weren’t uniform as I had to use the materials I had and buy extra on top which cost me ££. This year I was told to make them again but that I was ONLY to use one colour 😡 Nope.

@Ellisandra
How foolish of her, as she ended up being a loser several times over.

.

@Graphista
Haven't you just described a narcissist there...?

@Verity35
And did you pay for them? And what did your husband say?

As a teenager I had a number of regular babysitting jobs. Babysat a couple of times for a very loud, flashy family who lived in my street. On the 3rd occasion they suggested they would pay a bit more if I would stay the night so they could come home even later. So I went to bed at 11pm, and was woken by them crashing drunkenly round the house when they crawled home. The next morning I didn't feel I could leave until they crawled out of bed at midday. I spent all Sunday morning feeding and entertaining their kids, and in return they paid me an extra measly quid!

When dd was in primary school her friend was the child of a single parent who worked really hard. Anyway as I was a Sahp I helped her out a lot so she didn’t have to pay a childminder. I never begrudged it and had an awful amount of respect for her doing anything. These days ran into my other kids birthdays so she was included in their trips out and parties, and of course dds.
Anyway I was more than happy to help until said Mum had a party for her dd and invited all of their friends apart from dd, who was devastated. I was completely shocked that she’d be so unkind after the kindness I’d shown her.

I was having a new kitchen, the appliances, double oven, fitted fridge, fitted freezer and dishwasher were all being sold for a very low price...

A couple a few miles from me, begged for all of it, to kit out a flat they'd bought for their son to live in whilst at Uni. They came round to pick it all up, they paid about £50 for the lot and it was in good nick, all Neff, and very clean, but we needed rid of it quickly (They were very posh and obviously well to do so I was a bit annoyed as they said they'd pay full price, but didn't). As they were loading it all up, she asked me if there was an oven tray.
There were obviously oven racks but not an oven tray as we were in a complete mess, and if I did have it, I had no idea where it was and told her this. Thought that would be the end of it given the bargain she'd got.

Well.... she rang continually, saying have you found the oven tray yet. My son needs the oven tray. I blocked her number so she rang the doorbell asking about the bleedin' oven tray. Kept telling her NO and I doubt I will find it.

I found the tray eventually, no way was she having it!

Everything not anything

A couple more which arose from a big summer event I used to run.
Local charities were invited to apply to receive the £5000 or so raised, on condition they supplied a few people to help on the day (all fully explained and agreed up front). Some great times were had with some brilliant people, but a couple stand out for the wrong reasons

Charity1. We have to help? Errrr ... usually we're just given the money

Charity 2. Four days before the event, having never provided names of the volunteers despite many requests: "We are busy you know; we have families and don't have time for this"

Funnily enough I had a family and was busy too, and I was working for nothing to make thousands for them ... so I blew them out

How would you have reacted to the following;

A person I met at baby antenatal group from the get up would ask for things. I was on maternity with my second and was away staying with family. This person messaged me if she could borrow X and I replied sorry I’m away. She then replied no worries she can go to my house and pick up when husband gets home from work, I replied it will be late and it went back and forth her insisting it no problem for her and she will go when he’s there! It’s situations like this I struggle with. I know I probably sound mean but I hate giving things to people to borrow in the first place. I have never borrowed anything off anyone even when offered I have politely said no thanks, so how to you deal with these type of people who keep pushing you.

I would have expected her to say no worries once finding out I’m not home then taken hint when I said husband works late.

you have to learn not to hint. Say no. Be clear. After the second time say "don't ask me again, i said no" and then don't answer any more.

It would be so awkward for me to just say no without a good reason!

Binny you just have to say ‘no, that doesn’t work for me’, and when they argue just repeat yourself ‘no, sorry, as I said, that’s not going to work’

Another is my mum and sister. They live in another part of the country and never visit so I suggested that we meet halfway in a convenient place for all. This was a big thing for me as they make no effort and I set about looking at venues and dates etc which was a lot to take on as I'm the only one working and have a disabled child
Anyway they then picked somewhere much nearer their home and that was convenient for them and booked it without even telling me, protesting I could ‘come if I wanted’. Erm no thanks 🤣