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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

882 replies

Rainbowb · 29/06/2020 10:31

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

OP posts:
Greydove28 · 29/06/2020 18:18

@Divoc2020

My child was in a musical show at our local theatre for 4 nights.

The group organising it asked if I could help with their marketing (unpaid, obviously) as they knew that I worked in that industry. They needed to sell at least 60% of tickets to break even.

I was working freelance at the time and spent waaaay more time on it than I should:

  • I sent press releases to the schools of every single child in the show (over 20 different schools)
  • I arranged photos and send press releases to local media
  • I arranged a cast member interview on local radio
  • I managed the design, print and distribution of leaflets, banners and local advertising
  • I submitted the details to every single online event listing I could find and all the local 'what's on' mags for parents
  • I ran the Facebook and Twitter accounts for 4 months

For the first time in its history (runs every year) the show was a sell-out. Everyone thrilled.

After the final performance everyone clustered backstage for "well dones/ thank yous " etc. All of the committee members got bunches of flowers/ applause etc (not me). The producer/ director of the show then said how pleased she was a sell out and she had chosen such a popular show because although I had "helped out a bit with marketing" the tickets had "sold themselves" really. Everyone laughed. I wasn't thanked. No card/ flowers on anything.

When we got in the car to go home my child asked why I was crying Sad.
When I told my DH later he said I should invoice them for my time at my freelance rate. We estimated it was over £8,000's worth.

Ahh that's dreadful! Did you tell them how much work and hours you put in? Not just a bit of marketing. You should send them an invoice. Well out of order.
LaughingDonkey · 29/06/2020 18:18

@WindsorBlues

Not me but my parents. DM's Ex-BIL (divorced out of the family 20+ years) asked for recommendations for a good tradesman as his heating had been broken for months and he and his adult son had been sitting in the cold. DF forwarded the number of the reliable guy they'd used for years who always did excellent work. Ex-BIL had the work carried out and when the tradesman asked for payment Ex-BIL informed him he wouldn't be paying and since my parents recommended him they should be the ones to pay.

My parents were mortified and felt guilty as they had made the recommendation, because a good tradesman is hard to find they did offered to cover the cost directly to him but he said no, it wasn't there fault he'd work out a payment plan with Ex-BIL or pursue him through small claims court.

I have been reading this thread and could not believe it! Really? There are people like that???

And to the lady who's son died (I can't find OP's name) - I'm truly lost for words! I felt mortified for that woman's lack of compassion! I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

endofthelinefinally · 29/06/2020 18:19

Just thought of another one. I took pity on a neighbour who was struggling a bit. I lent her a piece of kitchen equipment that she wanted to try out before buying one. Despite asking repeatedly she never returned it. She moved house and never contacted me.
I can't understand why people behave like this.
I replaced it with a cheaper model, but the original one was a wedding present.

ishouldgoandtryabitmoredaily · 29/06/2020 18:23

Bought lunch quite a few times for someone who was "starving" at uni as had no money. In the final year they said they had saved £10k for their final project. I know how, really bugs me still, as it was lying to get money off another student. I was supporting myself by working too much and paying my parents mortgage as they had fallen on hard times. I couldn't complete my final project due to having no money, so I had to swap degrees and ended up with a third.

I know this isn't the same but also thoughtful buying presents for people and getting no thanks. Even if they think it's rubbish surely it's polite to say thank you, yes I received it. Kind of you to think of me.

gypsywater · 29/06/2020 18:24

I think SO many play the "skint" card then after years of taking from others rock up with the new car or their house deposit!

Cheesypea · 29/06/2020 18:27

Worked with a single mum who was very poor and needed subbing on nights out. Met up years later. I was a single mum on Job seekers. She got drunk shouted at me outside the pub and called me a ponce for getting her to take even turns buying drinks. Contacted her by mistake. She offered to go out for a drink! Er no thanks

Graphista · 29/06/2020 18:28

@WellTidy horrible situation but in that position now myself I would renegotiate at each "extension" I dread to think what she cost you in utilities alone!

So many of these stories end up being lost friendships due to a lack of a simple AND FREE thank you! So often they're shooting themselves in the foot!

I actually think this is especially true of employers (paid and voluntary) who treat good staff who go above and beyond poorly - those staff eventually realise and bugger off to an employer that appreciates them, leaving that employer with less exemplary staff. I've seen that so often and seen it meaning especially small businesses then go under.

The lack of etiquette/manners these days infuriated me, no excuse they cost nothing and make life easier for everyone!

I'm sometimes painted by my dd and a few others in family as a "nightmare customer" because I WILL complain about poor service etc - I'm paying for that service damn right I'll complain if it's below par - BUT I will also contact companies, having taken full names wherever possible to praise GOOD service. I consider it good manners and hope it sees the person who provided that good served received suitable recognition at work.

Too often the good ones are overlooked.

@Verity35 I'd have initially reacted as if he were clearly Joking and if he pressed the point went "no, we've come to see sis and dn and brought gifts, don't spoil the occasion by being greedy and rude"

I have also (as I'm sure most of us are at some point) been the one to benefit from others favours and even if I was on the bones of my arse I made if I couldn't buy a thank you card, and if I was doing better bought/sent flowers/chocs/wine - again just good manners.

I do wonder how the hell some people are brought up!

Dd recently spent her first Hogmanay at someone else's house, a friends family, her other friends mocked and teased her because she took wine, beer and chocs and a wee gift for the younger sister of the friend as she didn't want her to feel left out seeing her parents get things (She's only 9).

Speaking with her after the bells she told me she was so glad she did as they treated her so well and made her feel so welcome and the little sister was her new best friend 

I was so proud of her and her friends soon shut the hell up!

@BrightYellowDaffodil absolutely! Anything that has ever gone wrong in my sisters life is always someone else's fault!

From getting poor exam results in school - she went to a bloody good school AND she has intellect but put sod all effort in

To boys/men dumping her - usually got sick of being used

To getting sacked from jobs - for regularly turning up late, pulling sickies, making lazy mistakes

To being evicted - for not paying rent, not maintaining the place to a reasonable standard

NEVER her fault

@Fanthorpe when I first joined mn I was quite wary about posting about sister in case outing as I felt her behaviour was quite extreme, but within just a few months I became aware there are quite a few others like her! I was shocked!

What creates them and why do we bloody put up with them?

"She could be good fun though" oh they're great at the charm offensive! That's how they're so successful!

My sister can be (when it suits her) charming, kind, funny, intelligent - but she uses that for her own ends.

@WindsorBlues good on that tradesman!

I've seen numerous threads on here by business owners or partners/spouses of business owners who are stressed because they have been taken advantage of by customers and I really think assertiveness training should be undertaken by anyone going into business for themselves

Certainly as a childminder I was glad I'd had that training as there were regularly parents who'd have or tried to take the piss (late collecting, late paying etc) if I'd not known how to handle it.

Some you spot a mile off too!

Parents meet childminders often thinking only "do I like them?" without considering the childminder (if they're sensible and experienced) is also sizing them up!

I've rejected parents because I can tell from meeting them they're going to mess me about! Usually as I heard them on the phone lying to someone else about where they were and why they were ALSO late for them! Or because right from the off they umm and ahh about the t&c's - even though these were emailed to them prior to meeting. Usually about fee rate, conditions for holding place over holidays etc

@ComplexPTSDmaybe - the above written before I read your post too! I used to work in the wedding industry and the piss taking of family/friends with certain skills is unbelievable! See it on here too when brides to be are discussing costs - no clue of the cost of ingredients alone for a 3 tier cake not to mention the hours it takes to make and certainly no consideration of the years the baker has spent learning their craft and the same goes as you clearly know for photographers, hairdressers, florists, make up artists... people need to seriously get a clue when it comes to what these services cost!

@HeretoThereandBackAgain when YOU have a crisis is when you discover who is truly a friend - and who isn't!

I had my first breakdown almost 15 years ago.

A neighbour I barely knew enough to wave to, 3 people at uni who until then I'd have classed as "friendly acquaintances" and a school gate mum I barely knew were bloody saints! The neighbour contacted the crisis team, 1 of the uni people drove 20 miles just to sit and talk with me that night until they saw me the next day, another uni person came straight over first thing and took dd to school for me and made sure it was a fun adventure for dd and the 3rd brought me and dd a takeaway that night and bathed and bedded dd, the school gate mum took dd to and from school and had her over for numerous play dates. Forever grateful to those people and their help didn't stop there they kept supporting us for months after and we are now very close friends even though I long moved away from there. And yes I paid them back in other ways would do anything for them.

But another 2 people I would have before then described as good friends that I had done a lot for? Didn't see them for dust! They didn't even check in on dd (which they could have done without even contacting me) never forgave them.

Mother of god, some of the CFs on here should be rounded up and sent to Mars on a one way ticket

They'd only go if they got a free lift!

Graphista · 29/06/2020 18:33

Re "playing the skint card" I think a lot of people now don't understand what "skint" actually means!

I've seen that plenty on mn.

In my early days on here an op posted they were "skint" (actually had the word "skint" in thread title!) and wanted advice on cutting back. I spent AGES writing considered posts and hunting down links for them - as I've lived on tight budgets most of my adult life and this experience is worth passing on - only for almost EVERY suggestion I made to not only be rejected - but ridiculed!

Eventually it came to light (through some savvy posters doing some AS work) she wasn't actually "skint" she wanted to save money for a luxury high cost item - can't quite remember if it was a Luxury car or once in a lifetime holiday - and then when she was called out on this she attacked me!!

Iirc thread was deleted for "privacy reasons" HmmAngry

HectorPlasm · 29/06/2020 18:36

Short story:

  1. We used a firm of cleaners for the house
  2. We were dropped by the cleaners - no idea why but at the time, we thought they had gone bust
  3. One of the cleaners contacted us pleading poverty and asking for work
  4. Bearing in mind the 'loss' of the firm, we said yes as we needed a new cleaner and she needed a job
  5. She nicked a load of stuff and never came back
  6. We now suspect she'd been sacked and they wouldn't tell us

Lesson learnt!

Verity35 · 29/06/2020 18:36

*I think certain types of people come into our lives to teach us a lesson.

How do you mean?*

I mean that for me so many people have taken advantage of my kindness so my lesson is to be careful who I trust.

Also mother is very manipulative so my lesson has been to understand not all family is loving.

Sorry might not make sense! Grin as I’m not very articulate But it does to me

amusedbush · 29/06/2020 18:47

I put a lot of time and effort into training a junior colleague who had no interest in actually doing the job, he just wanted a promotion. He spent all day on the internet or his phone (people took me aside to tell me that they’d noticed him quickly clicking off web pages every single time they walked behind him and I spoke to him about it rather than going to his manager. His response was to shrug and say everyone checked facebook so why couldn’t he Hmm).

During a very busy period at work I found a system issue that couldn’t be fixed in time for our deadline but I found a workaround and I completed the task manually. He was involved and knew what had happened at every stage.

I took an internal transfer and that little prick got my job by pretending HE found and resolved the system issue after I left. He claimed I’d never spoken to him about it. He threw me under the bus in his interview and because his manager was unaware of all the issues I’d tried to help him with, they promoted him.

The only small comfort is all of my old colleagues still come to me with questions because he either ignores emails or doesn’t know the answer. Half a dozen people involved in the work have complained that he’s useless and does everything wrong. I’m not happy that he is ruining a project I spent three years building but at least I’m vindicated.

Fanthorpe · 29/06/2020 18:48

Those are hard lessons @Verity35, it’s a shame you feel you had to do the learning rather than the individuals who’ve behaved badly, the lesson should have been theirs.

You probably know about the Stately Homes threads for dealing with the issues around your mother. You’re not alone!

TeapotCollection · 29/06/2020 18:51

LimpidPools and DontLookTwice I hadn’t thought of it like that. Thank you 😊

SynchroSwimmer · 29/06/2020 18:53

Friends regularly borrowing work tools and equipment, I always make clear it’s a loan and now specify a date when I need said item back.

People always then put them away in their own sheds and garages rather than returning to me.

Gardening equipment that I wanted to use, and repeatedly asked for return, a dog play pen that friends admit they have now re-purposed as a compost bin 😮, electric lead with safety cut-off, and ladder “that I need back to clear my own gutters on 3 June”....everyone is so shameless about it too...

Feel better for getting that off my chest 😂

GameSetMatch · 29/06/2020 18:57

My very best friend who I’d know since school was getting married, it was child free so I couldn’t go I was devastated I offered to come to the wedding venue and pick her dog up and have it over night as she was stressed who’d have her dog (the dog was in the wedding party 😐) I drove miles with my kids in tow, picked up her dog and gave her a very generous wedding gift (money) looked after her dog, dropped her dog off home the next morning and posted the key back threw the letter box. I didn’t get a thank you for the dog sitting or the money, she didn’t speak to me for months after. When she got back in touch I just couldn’t bring myself to be friendly so we haven’t spoken for a few years now. I’m so sad about it but I doubt she even knows why I’m upset.

Beautiful3 · 29/06/2020 18:58

My bil and girlfriend, saw that we were getting rid of a tv stand. We were taking a photograph ready to sell it. He said his girlfriend wanted it as she was hard up, si glee parent on benefits. We gifted it to her, free of charge. 6 weeks later bil told us that they sold it days later for £20. They bought a chinese take away with it! WTF!

Verity35 · 29/06/2020 19:10

Thanks fanthorpe. Yes I am aware of the stately homes thread for dysfunctional families but haven’t posted. I have in past tried to write but then give up as it’s so long! I think no one will read it. Maybe I will when I get more time. Thanks for reminding me x

Spacerader · 29/06/2020 19:13

@morethanafortnight

Yes. I'm on the committee of a hobby group, and shortly before our annual prizegiving I suggested to the chair that a particular long-standing and hardworking member be given some sort of recognition for their efforts. At the prizegiving they were duly presented with a certificate for services for the club.

About 3 months later, (not knowing it had been my idea) she had a right old moan at me about the pathetic gesture, and how it was tantamount to an insult to be given this certificate, like some sort of patronising pat on the head. She has since proved to be a misery guts about several other things as well, and I really wish I'd never bothered.

Hate to say it. But i think id feel the same. If I'd put alot of effort in and all I got was a lousy certificate. I feel like I'd be contributing to this thread to talk about the check of all my hard work being rewarded by a piece of worthless paper.

Sorry op. On on the other person's side here

SparklesAllOver · 29/06/2020 19:23

A CF couple that until recently very good friends, even though they took the p*ss!
For years, if there was a birthday whip round, my DF would ask me to put money in for her and she'd pay me back, never did though. If we went anywhere and needed a cab, she would often 'not find her purse' in her bag leaving others to pay. DF's DH was always on the scrounge, asking my DH for 'help' building things (then leaving my DH to get on with it), moving furniture, one time we were in the middle of a large family barbecue and my soft DH left to give him a hand. They borrowed power tools and lawnmower, when we next went to use them they were broken, no apology offered. As well as this, they were also dishonest and lied about lots of things, we finally confronted them about a couple of huge porkies but their egos are so big they brushed it all off. Several lots of their friend have dropped them now, as have we, but they are always able to quickly replace them with new, kind people they will end up fleecing. Some people just have no conscience.

MondeoFan · 29/06/2020 19:24

Loads
Years ago giving couple work colleagues a lift home after work as didn't drive and no public transport (bus) once it went past midnight. No thank you, nothing. Most nights for about a year. Why take the job if you don't even think about how you'd get home afterwards?

Made friends with a mum up the school, she had 4 children and money was tight. She had a car that was always breaking down, she asked to borrow my car a couple times (kept commenting how it was lovely to drive) soon realised this was happening too often so put a stop to it. We went out for coffee few times and I paid for this too.
Didn't even get a birthday card when it was my birthday.
I'm such a walkover at times

Fanthorpe · 29/06/2020 19:44

@Verity35 no worries x

WindsorBlues · 29/06/2020 19:45

@LaughingDonkey we found out later that ex-bil was months behind in his mortgage repayments and the property was due to be repossessed. He didn't see why he should pay for the heating to be fixed when he wouldn't be around to enjoy the benefits of it. He was evicted six months later.

Once he was evicted his requests to sleep on family members sofas for a few weeks until he sorted himself out where all declined, due to how he'd treated the tradesman and my parents.

NotPlayingOut · 29/06/2020 19:56

A whole load of us arranged a night out at the theatre. A friend and her new boyfriend came on the train from his and planned to get the train back to hers.
They missed the train back as they mixed up the times so my DH offered to drive them back with us despite it adding 40miles to our journey. The new boyfriend did not stop criticising us for driving a 4x4 (we live and at that point both worked in the countryside, it was our much needed vehicle).
I did snap in the end and told him he could get out and walk if it was a better fit with his morals.

Shedbuilder · 29/06/2020 20:01

I've just been reminded of the 'friend' who lives a 15-minute drive away in the wrong direction who always asks for a lift whenever we're both going to the same evening event in town and often asks me to go even further out of my way to pick a friend of hers up as well.

Obviously I pay for parking when we reach our destination. I once asked her if she'd pay the parking fee (£3) and she seemed shocked because surely, if I'd driven in on my own I'd have to pay the £3, so...

She's a driver with a perfectly nice car. She says she asks for lifts to be green but I think we both know it's so she can have a drink and save on the parking.

UmbrellaHat · 29/06/2020 20:07

So many! Is cathartic reading these as not just me. The ones that hurt are those that affect the kids. Like PP we had a party for DS who was 7, quite shy. We are inviting the whole class but DS did not want to invited two boys. I was a rookie -should have know not to do whole class. Anyway I insisted it would be inking not to normal mooted people and needless to say they are not only horrible bullies who made several kids cry but the parent supposed to be collect them did not turn up. Hideous.
On another occasion a parent dropped of kid at part -kid was clearly ill and ended up vomiting and diarrhoea so I spent the whole time looking after him till the parents arrived late.

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