To those who make friends easily

[Binny36]

How do you do it? What are the secrets/tips?

I feel I attract 2 types of people in my life: users and clingy. I’ll give some examples so maybe someone can tell me where I’m going wrong: 1)users met a new mum friend from baby group and very early on she wouldn’t hesitate to ask for things - childcare, borrowing stuff etc I just avoided as I felt quite uncomfortable and used. 2) clingy I met a lovely girl in a baby play activity I went to every week, we quickly became friends and I went back to work 4 days a week. On my day off she would always want to meet up (I know it sounds lovely! But wait till I finish) she’s the one that used to arrange it not me and I said yes every time. I’d be waiting for her where we arranged and she would text me saying “oh so sorry hun I can’t make it xxx”. I’m not exaggerating it would happen a lot! I started resenting her as I felt she booked up my only day off and I never knew if she would follow up or cancel last minute. I felt suffocated by her and every time my phone beeped for a meet-up my heart would sink. I did carry in this friendship for 4 years! I tried so hard to just let things fizzle out but she would contact me every time. Our boys ended up in same primary school so I saw more of her. She thank god did a shitty thing so I had perfect excuse to “break up” with her. She still tries to catch my eye and is sorry for what she did but I rather be friendless than have Someone like her in my life.

Sorry I waffled on! I really want nice friends who don’t take the piss and I can have nights out with, why is it so hard? Not sure how post - covid will work. I’ll be going back to work 3 days.

Not helpful (sorry) but I know what you mean, and I find it really difficult too. I'm also very self conscious and scared of imposing on anyone's time/life, especially people I don't know very well, so I tend to stay in my own little safe bubble...

By “shitty thing” she had a huge meltdown infront of the other mums that I ignore her! She was literally screaming and shouting at me that I don’t say hello to her and just run off after dropping my son off. Then to top things off she kept texting me that evening saying she’ll talk about my behaviour to me when she’s calmed down! I just lost it on the text and told her to not bother me anymore. she would still try to start a conversation on morning run but I would just avoid her.

I make friends easily and I’ve never come across ‘users’ or ‘cling ons’ and I think that says something about how I approach people and understand all people are imperfect.

People aren’t ever perfect but it’s hard to hate people close up

I think my issues making friends comes from my lack of confidence as I could easily say to them sorry I can’t lend you money and sorry I can’t meet up when I know she would just cancel last minute anyway

You seem to have no trouble making friends, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that, but your barriers seem a bit low. With either CF borrowers/users and the second one who constantly made plans then let you down, I’d be following a ‘two strikes and you’re out’ policy. If you take a tougher line from the start, maybe those natural piss takers won’t take advantage, or if they do you have more time and energy left to make other friends elsewhere.

I make friends easily. I have loads of friends and I think it's because I am very clear, direct, honest and nobody feels like they are on shifting sands with me. I was sexually abused when I was younger and then had a DV marriage and I am doing my doctorate in human behaviour so I read people well. I adapt the way I communicate with them depending on what they need, I am interested in people (too curious sometimes but I pick up when someone is private quickly and adapt to that, it is a fault I work on all the time). I have just left social work and I'm going into research, so my social skills have to be good.

So for example - your first 'user' friend; very quickly I would have established 'why' she needed to borrow things from me. Genuine need or just a CF? If it was genuine need I would signpost her to relevant organisations who would help her. CF I would have just said 'I find it quite cheeky, I pay for this stuff and you borrow it all the time, do you realise that?' usually the reaction is a sorry and we get over it, or I just stop being friends with them if they try again. Same with your needy person, they would let me down once in regard to my day off and I'd say 'You do realise you wasted my time and it is annoying to be put in that position.' they would say sorry, move on, if they did it again they would be out. Most people will not take the piss if you are open and transparent that you will not let them.

Did your parents drill into you about being 'polite' when you were growing up? My mum did but I soon realised that when you are too polite and you put aside what you need people walk all over you. I'm kind, but I am not a doormat.

Well, in the case of the person who stood you up, I'd see how she dealt with it - was there actually a good reason for it and why she couldn't tell you sooner? If not, and there probably wasn't, I'd have just let the friendship drop there and been busy every time she suggested something. Would probably have told her why if she asked. Not rude or aggressive, simply "Because you're always cancelling at the last moment after we're supposed to have met."

I don't really feel obliged to give up time and effort for people who treat me like that.

Thank you for your insight. I am a very shy person. I do let people walk all over me. My strategy when people are taking the piss it to just detach from them. The clingy friend was right, I did actually try my best to ignore her but it was because she treated me like an idiot, I would be waiting for her and she wouldn’t turn up.

It sounds like you feel you have to always say yes to other people. That isn't true - there is no obligation on you to agree to everything they suggest. For example, when you started getting resentful of your friend, you could have agreed to only every other meeting she suggested. That would have reminded her that you also have to be considered. You may have given the impression that you were at her beck and call, and had nothing else you would rather do. Or you could have been honest and told her that her habit of not turning up at the last minute was annoying you.

Maybe practice ways of saying 'no', so that you don't feel embarrassed when you need it in real life? In future, don't automatically agree to everything a future potential friend suggests. You will learn a lot from whether they accept your preferences or not.

It's hard to analyse exactly how to make good friends but I make friends through doing activities together ... so we have a common interest to 'start' the friendship off and things develop from there. Most of my friends I meet through volunteering so they tend to be fairly committed & responsible and I can't say I have ever been let down regarding meeting up without a prior message and explanation.

I have met one or two 'users' in my time but I am pretty ruthless and just stop seeing them. I am also very happy in my own company so although it's nice to have a wide circle of friends I am equally happy in my own company and the sorts of things I like doing I can just as easily do on my own. Some people do come across as 'desperate' to make friends and that is really unattractive.

For example, when you started getting resentful of your friend, you could have agreed to only every other meeting she suggested. That would have reminded her that you also have to be considered.

Why not just tell her the truth: that she makes plans and then cancels after you're already stood there waiting?

I also make friends easily (the only time I didn't was in my first year at uni, and it really threw me for a loop!)

I think the key for me is that I'm prepared to give people chances. If I meet someone who seems friendly, then I'm happy to give them a shot. If I discover later that we don't seem to have as much in common as I thought, I'll back away. 9 times out of 10, the feeling is mutual, we slowly drift apart and no hard feelings.

OP, perhaps the reason you feel like you're struggling, is that you never call people out when they do something that annoys you. You just back off, and leave them wondering what they did. In the case of the friend who never showed up, perhaps you could have said, "I find it really frustrating when we make plans to meet somewhere, then you back out at the very last minute. What's with that?" Then LISTEN to what they have to say and act on what she says.

There's a huge difference between being kind to people, and being a doormat.

I have to let you know, OP, that there is no prize or reward for allowing people to treat you like this, no fairy godmother. There's also no moral merit in it. It's just allowing someone to treat you like crap for no reason. If anything, it's enabling nasty behaviour (which obviously you're not to blame for, but why help her do it?).

Thank you all for your replies. Yes you are all right I do need to have higher standards for myself and not let people take advantage.

I sometimes think it’s just numbers and clarity. I make friends easily. I am cheerful and confident. I don’t find that many people I want to keep as friends but when I do I invite them to dinner, arrange a walk, tell them I like them. I also think sometimes you are luckier than other times. My kid went to one school and I made zero friends, didn’t get close to any of the mums who I maybe would have expected to get in with, in fact I would say they didn’t like me. My kid moved schools and made a group of friends quickly who became good friends easily. The same has happened in workplaces. It’s best to not get too close too quickly and to don’t worry if it doesn’t work out - that’s fine. Have really strong boundaries - shit friends are way worse than no friends.

And also remember no- one's perfect, set your boundaries and take back some control

It sounds as if you're a kind person (which is good) but also a bit of a people pleaser (which is not so great).

I find it fairly easy to make friends and I'm naturally a fairly selfish person. I have learned to curb this and become more empathetic as I've got older.

But I think a bit of selfishness isn't a bad thing here. One thing I have learned is that people don't respect people who bend over backwards to help them too early on in the friendship. Being kind, respectful and empathetic is a good thing but don't give it up too easily as it tends to make you look needy.

I will walk through fire for the six or seven people in my life who I consider true friends (people I've usually known for decades) but with people further out in the "circle" I put myself first. I'm always happy to make time to people and will be considerate and respectful but I don't move heaven and earth to accommodate people if I don't know them really well. I think giving too much of yourself too soon is never wise.

@thepeopleversuswork

It sounds as if you're a kind person (which is good) but also a bit of a people pleaser (which is not so great).

I find it fairly easy to make friends and I'm naturally a fairly selfish person. I have learned to curb this and become more empathetic as I've got older.

But I think a bit of selfishness isn't a bad thing here. One thing I have learned is that people don't respect people who bend over backwards to help them too early on in the friendship. Being kind, respectful and empathetic is a good thing but don't give it up too easily as it tends to make you look needy.

I will walk through fire for the six or seven people in my life who I consider true friends (people I've usually known for decades) but with people further out in the "circle" I put myself first. I'm always happy to make time to people and will be considerate and respectful but I don't move heaven and earth to accommodate people if I don't know them really well. I think giving too much of yourself too soon is never wise.

I don't think it's selfish not to put up with bad treatment, or kind to put up with it (though OP does sound lovely independently of this).

It sounds as if you're a kind person (which is good) but also a bit of a people pleaser (which is not so great).

I think you’re spot on with this! I changed my user name just to post this as didn’t want my previous posts to interfere with honest answers, I grew up in a very Dysfunctional family with a lot of manipulation from my mother. I feel everyone else’s needs are much more important than mine. I tend to put up with crap from people but then I have my breaking point where I explode after many years and look crazy!

I have to let you know, OP, that there is no prize or reward for allowing people to treat you like this, no fairy godmother. There's also no moral merit in it. It's just allowing someone to treat you like crap for no reason. If anything, it's enabling nasty behaviour (which obviously you're not to blame for, but why help her do it?).

Exactly. Half the problems that appear regularly on AIBU and Relationships on Mn are posted by people who want some kind of acknowledgement of what they believe to be their own 'good'/generous behaviour towards someone who exploits them, but there's no gold star for letting yourself be taken for a fool. No giant hand will swoop down and wag a finger at the cheeky fucker.

And it's not attractive to other people either, unless the kind of people you want to attract into your life are other cheeky fuckers with an eye for someone with poor boundaries. Ask yourself, do I really want someone in my life who could bluntly be described as a doormat and who always feels vaguely exploited by other people, but not apparently enough to do anything about it?

Back to your question, OP. I make friends easily. I don't think there's any trick. But there's one thing I notice on a lot of threads about difficulties with friendships on Mn is that the people saying they struggle with friendships are often over-focused on whether other people like them, and never seem to give much thought to whether they themselves like the other people, which I think is key. When I meet a new person, I'm thinking 'What are you like? Do I like you?' not 'Oh, do you like me? Am I coming across OK?'

ShebaShimmyShake

I agree that its not selfish to not put up with bad behaviour. I don't think I made that point very well -- its not just about not accepting bad behaviour, which should be a given.

I think people don't generally respect other people whose sole goal in life appears to be looking after other people, if that makes sense.

I think people who have a reasonably well-developed sense of self, who are driven by their own motivations and who live life on their own terms without coming across as arrogant or selfish are more attractive and interesting than people who give the impression that their main goal in life is to be liked and accepted by others.

Binny36

" I feel everyone else’s needs are much more important than mine. I tend to put up with crap from people but then I have my breaking point where I explode after many years and look crazy!"

You're not alone with this: its surprisingly common and women, in particular, are often socialised to be like this.

I think its worth getting some counselling to deal with this because it can help having external support to "untangle" this perception that others are more important than you.

I suspect you will find that once you develop a clearer sense of who you are and become more selective with your kindness you will find it easier to make (real) friends.

I feel everyone else’s needs are much more important than mine. I tend to put up with crap from people but then I have my breaking point where I explode after many years and look crazy!

You are my mother, @Binny36 -- only she's completely unconscoius of her own deeply-suppressed anger about being exploited. It sounds to me as if you would benefit from some counselling. Quite apart from the fact that you owe it to yourself to have strong boundaries and healthy relationships, as the daughter of a doormat with no boundaries and suppressed anger issues, I can tell you it was a deeply unhealthy way to grow up, with very poor models for friendships and relationships in general.

And it was also just miserable, because my mother was unable to say no to things seven when they had a big negative impact on her children -- like not saying no to (free!) after-school childcare for a classmate of mine who was extremely violent to me and my sisters. My mother preferred to let her own children be beaten up in their own home than to tell a woman she hardly knew that she didn't want to look after her child for nothing five days a week any more.

I could give you a thousand more examples. Don't be my mother. You and your children deserve more.

Yeah I think there is a lot of truth in you needing to be more selfish, more self centred and independent so you attract the better friends. Sorry you find it hard to put yourself first but get practising - it is liberating

I’m so glad I posted this! A lot of things are making sense Limpid that’s very sad for you and thank you for providing me a glimpse of what I’m doing to my kids.

I just find it so hard striking a balance of being nice and not taken advantage of. My MIL has replaced my mother now in that anything I say no to I’m the biggest bitch in the world! It’s so hard for me trying to assert myself without people bringing me down and telling me how awful I am. Like that friend who wanted to talk to me about my “behaviour” as I would stand there listening to her whilst she was yelling at me that I don’t talk to her and just do drop off and run home.