It’s an inheritance one!

[Sadinside]

Sadly FIL died last year after a truly harrowing illness. He left DH and SIL each 40K. MIL has never really been involved with money, having always kept that as FIL’s domaine - bit old fashioned. The will was old - 20 years old. DH suggested MIL quickly got bank statements together to tot up value of savings and assets - as he was executor. The initial tot up came back as 120K. This would mean once DH and SIL were paid out - she’d have the house (worth about 300K plus 40K savings) - she’s 72 and in good health. DH asked me what I thought, and my immediate feeling was that both siblings should really hand back the will to MIL in order to give her savings and home options (she was talking about moving into a modern house). Papers were signed handing back the money to MIL. Everyone happy. Fast forward about a month, the solicitor is undertaking bank searches and unearths 200K that MIL had no idea about. Suddenly she’s a wealthy widow. No parent / child discussion about giving back the inheritance to anyone. Covid hits, DH has pay slashed, we can’t afford our mortgage and are selling up to move to a much smaller house. The inheritance would have kept our house. MIL In the meantime declares she’s staying put in the old big house. I’ve spoken to no one about this because I feel a bit ashamed of feeling pissed off at an elderly grieving lady. Ive not told DH that I feel his mum has acted a bit sneakily ...but that actually is how I feel. AIBU to feel kind of diddled? The money’s not mine, I’ve never banked on anything but I know in same position I wouldn’t do that do my own kids! Do I need to mentally let this go? We move in August and I just find myself avoiding MIL on phone, I can’t feel the same way about her having previously got on pretty well for years.

Fil should never had left money belonging to him and his wife to anyone, even his children.

Rubbish! Presumably he thought she was aware of the £200k and was going to be well looked after? Why shouldn’t he want to leave some money to his kids? I own half my mother’s house since my father died, they made themselves tenants in common, which is a popular choice-we did the same on our houses.

To all the people talking about 'honouring the FIL's wishes' - it's highly unlikely that any of the assets - house, savings etc would be non-matrimonial assets - in other words they were jointly owned by the couple and FIL didn't have the right to bequeath some of them to the children whilst MIL was still alive. I'm baffled the solicitor didn't point this out.

I'm not a solicitor, but I believe the reason the solicitor didn't point it out is because it's utterly wrong. As far as I know, there is no such thing as "matrimonial assets" except in the context of divorce, where the phrase denotes all assets owned by either party that go into the pot to be divided up.

In short, if you are married, that does not mean half of everything you own belongs to your spouse. The only way they can get their hands on anything that's yours is by divorcing you. As long as they don't do that, you can spend the money how you like with no legal comeback from them, and leave it to whoever you like in your will.

There are some exceptions to this, in extreme circumstances. I think (though less sure about this) that there is an obligation to support a spouse, not to leave them destitute while you're alive, or after your death. And you have the right to live in your spouses main home, even if it's 100% in their name.

I am a solicitor. It is likely that what OP's husband and SIL signed is a deed of variation, giving up theirs respective legacies, which meant that they fell into residue and so MIL received the entire estate.
The major problem here in my view is that the deed of variation (or whatever else it was) was entered into too early in the administration process. They should have waited until the solicitor had completed the "bank checks" referred to by OP. If the solicitor was still assembling details of the estate he/she should have advised the husband and SIL to wait until all the details had been established before deciding to give up the legacies.
I think that it is wrong of OP and her husband not to tell MIL about their current financial hardship. If she knew, she might well give the husband, her son, the 40k that he released to her when he thought that she would need it. She cannot be blamed for something that she knows nothing about. OP please raise it with her. If you have not exchanged yet, you can pull out of the sale. This will be hard on the others in the chain but if your financial position suddenly improves significantly, this would justify your
conduct.

Then leave the poor woman alone. It's fine for you to feel like it's all a bit sh%t for you at the moment, because it sounds like it is but to be glaring at her for staying in her house and being well off is out of order
Good grief! I don’t know how this has been extrapolated from anywhere! Makes it sounds like some kind of pressure campaign going on - which there isn’t. I wanted to use MN as a sounding board for the situation and how I feel about it. I haven’t shared those feelings with anyone - even my closest friends because I do feel a bit ashamed in a way. But there’s been no hassling or glaring at all. I think once the 200K was revealed maybe just an acknowledgment of it’s existence and a dialogue about still retaining some or all of the original 40K would have been sort of courteous towards DH - this was money his Dad left for him.
The period of illness of FIL was a hard financial cost - MIL/FIL live 4 hours away and didn’t want to put anyone up overnight, so DH was asked to stay in hotels every weekend for about 4 months. It was just assumed we could afford that. 😔

@Euclid - thank you, yes it was a deed of variation.

@Euclid - MIL does know of DD’s struggles post this bereavement. I think I might mention the cost of therapy and see if she responds to that, any support on covering that would be majorly useful right now.

What a sad and difficult time you’ve all gone through. And this is the last thing you need. I wondering if she has never dealt with finances in her adult life whether one or both of the following may be true?

She doesn’t realise having a house plus £300k makes her very comfortably financially? Or she hasn’t costed what she may need in the future and is scared to. So it’s a bit of head in the sand.

That she thinks men just have financials ‘sorted’ and it hasn’t crossed her mind that her DH may be in financial difficulty?

I think you were so thoughtful when FIL does and you did the right thing by her. It would be such a shame if she would willingly help you out but just genuinely doesn’t realise you need it. I hope things work out for you.

Sorry, that should read it hasn’t crossed her mind that her DS may be in financial difficulty not DH.

Fil should never had left money belonging to him and his wife to anyone, even his children

Utter nonsense. FIL obviously KNEW the 200k was there for his wife, its not like anyone just forgets they have 200k in savings is it?! He knew she could have that money hence why he left the kids 40k each. Leaving money to your own children is hardly scandalous or odd behaviour. Good grief!

Your dhs decision was very silly. I’d be pissed ofc at you dh not mil. She doesn’t know your situation. This is your dhs doing, he needs to sort this 🤦🏼‍♀️
Was mil not entitled to fils pension?
I sorted my dm affairs as she didn’t really understand them when df passed. She was entitled to a percentage of dfs pension and she got all the assets, so the will was followed.
Your dh should have stuck to fils wishes instead of thinking he knows best. If his dm was struggling at any point he could’ve helped her out himself.

@singtanana - first statement true - she doesn’t realise she’s comfortable and isn’t getting trades in to repair anything - lots of gaffa tape repairs and nagging from us to spend on the house that she’s now choosing to stay in.
@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter. - so this is where it’s a bit grim. Poor FIL died of a glioblastoma within 8 weeks from diagnosis. Just a dreadful time 😢 part of the illness was actually a loss of memory over financials and by the time we all thought to seek power of attorney, he was too far gone for it to be granted by a solicitor. Wrapped up in all the money woes (for us) is a huge amount of grief and frustrated as I am at the situation and outcome for us, I just feel taking it out on DH or even MIL is plain wrong.

I think DH probably just wanted to do something nice for his mum at a awful time and takeaway one element of worry for her. Signing the deed at a time when we were financially ok, felt like an easy thing to do. Now I reflect on the situation my annoyance isn’t with the family and what was happening at the time, but the bloody solicitor who really sees this kind of stuff quite often and ought to have advised to hold back a while longer.

And the irony of the sorry tale is that FIL (when he was alive) was always shaking his head saying how crap the solicitor was - we thought they seemed ok - but now I know what he was talking about!!!! The money (for MIL) by the way still hasn’t been paid out and he passed away in Feb 2019, so that’s a bit rubbish too. Apparently they’ve had a rush on writing wills in light of Covid!

So you are confirming what several of us said Euclid namely that the solicitor jumped the gun. Unprofessional?

OP what is sad and disturbing is that your MIL seemed ignorant of the £200K that existed.

What kind of a marriage did they have to have those kind of financial secrets? Maybe your FIL thought he was protecting her from the pressures of managing money but it's an odd way of life for people in their early 70s.

I am managing a lot of my mum's finances now as my late dad looked after it all, but she's in her 90s and on a steep learning curve.

She sounds quite naive but only got your posts to go on.

It's far too late now unless you pull out of your house move, BUT your DH ought to have asked for a loan to be repaid when you could.

Or- why didn't you get a mortgage holiday or have a rainy day fund?

None of you seem financially astute, to be honest.

But I still can't fathom how she could see her son have to sell up rather than loan him some cash. Has he explained why you have to move?

The comment about legators was in reference to posters saying FIL should not have left everything to MIL but I did not realise that technically he did not need to bequeath anything to her.

My dad was told by his solicitor that he could only make specific bequests from money that was in his sole name. He could not make bequests from joint accounts.

Their house was jointly owned, so automatically passed to mum. The joint accounts had about £200k in, which automatically passed to mum.

Then they each had ISAs worth about £200k in their own names (ISAs cannot be in joint names) so his bequest came from there.

I think had he left his spouse literally nothing (assuming the house also didn't pass to her) then she could contest the will as she would have some entitlement to what were marital assets, but she could not successfully contest that she should have got everything.

So, the lesson if you want to make bequests is to keep some money in your own name.

The lesson for the op's dh is not to make hasty decisions without the full picture.

And the lesson for everyone is to keep on top of your finances and don't let someone else keep things hidden from you!

The money (for MIL) by the way still hasn’t been paid out and he passed away in Feb 2019, so that’s a bit rubbish too

I don't understand this.

Is this the £200K or the £40K returned to her?

These are simple bank transactions. They do not take 5 months.

You need to speak sharply to the solicitor.

The money (for MIL) by the way still hasn’t been paid out and he passed away in Feb 2019,

In what way are you expecting it to be "paid out"? Where is it, in whose name etc?

What an awful time for you all op. I hope you have POA for your MIL. Best done whilst there isn't any need for it.

The money (for MIL) by the way still hasn’t been paid out and he passed away in Feb 2019

So the estate still hasn’t been settled and nothing paid out?

How could you expect her to offer the 40k back then? She doesn’t have it!

Your DH is the executor, why isn’t he dealing with this?

Jesus christ OP the poor woman's lost her husband, and is probably sat in her own world, not properly absorbing the solicitors pulling random sums of money out the woodwork she had no idea about. Shes probably so shocked by the extra 200k, she wont know what day of the week it is never mind be figuring out how to divvy it up. Give her a break...

@Sadinside Just to give you some perspective on timescales.
I am shocked that after 18 months the estate is not wound up and payments made.

I misread and thought you meant Feb 2019.

I'm not polishing my halo, but DH and I did probate ourselves for his surviving parent when they died.

We had all their bank details and investments, as he'd managed them through POA anyway owing to their MH issues.

We had auctioneers in to value furniture, paintings and jewellery
.

This was 300 miles away so we too had the expense of travelling .

I did most of the probate work (filling in forms and writing to the solicitor) to save money.

The whole thing was done, including a house sale in just over a year. That included clearing the house of 30 years' stuff, marketing the house and selling it.

You are being strung along by this solicitor and your DH needs to get his finger out sharpish.

*Feb 2020!

The 40K was never paid out to DH or his Dsis - the deed just moved the only back into the will pot for MIL. No MIL still hasn’t actually received his estate - tonnes of toing and froing to DH as executor, but nearly there now I believe 🙄 I take upthread point that it is bad that she had no awareness of the 200K, but do believe that was the case. She’s sadly had to have a very rapid learning curve on finances which do not interest her in the slightest - unfortunately nothing was in order.

@JinglingHellsBells

The money (for MIL) by the way still hasn’t been paid out and he passed away in Feb 2019, so that’s a bit rubbish too

I don't understand this.

Is this the £200K or the £40K returned to her?

These are simple bank transactions. They do not take 5 months.

You need to speak sharply to the solicitor.

paid out from what, they are in your fil's accounts. Once probate done (and frankly if that is the total of the will and estate, it would have been fairly simple) the executor of the will just presents the probate to the banks and the money is transferred to your mother. If your pils didn't have a complicated estate and there is no house sale what on earth could have taken 18 months. I did probate myself when my husband died (I was an executor of his will and the sole beneficiary) - didn't involve solicitors at all. Granted there was no deed of variation but it took less than a couple of months.

Could you not just take the line with MIL that, now the extra £200k has been uncovered, you assume she's okay for the £40k gifts to stand - as FIL wanted.?

You could stress that you didn't want to accept the gifts if that meant leaving her short, but now that won't be the case and now you're in financial difficulties yourself, would she be happy to honour the gift when funds are finalised? Presumably that would just mean her writing you a cheque?