It’s an inheritance one!

[Sadinside]

Sadly FIL died last year after a truly harrowing illness. He left DH and SIL each 40K. MIL has never really been involved with money, having always kept that as FIL’s domaine - bit old fashioned. The will was old - 20 years old. DH suggested MIL quickly got bank statements together to tot up value of savings and assets - as he was executor. The initial tot up came back as 120K. This would mean once DH and SIL were paid out - she’d have the house (worth about 300K plus 40K savings) - she’s 72 and in good health. DH asked me what I thought, and my immediate feeling was that both siblings should really hand back the will to MIL in order to give her savings and home options (she was talking about moving into a modern house). Papers were signed handing back the money to MIL. Everyone happy. Fast forward about a month, the solicitor is undertaking bank searches and unearths 200K that MIL had no idea about. Suddenly she’s a wealthy widow. No parent / child discussion about giving back the inheritance to anyone. Covid hits, DH has pay slashed, we can’t afford our mortgage and are selling up to move to a much smaller house. The inheritance would have kept our house. MIL In the meantime declares she’s staying put in the old big house. I’ve spoken to no one about this because I feel a bit ashamed of feeling pissed off at an elderly grieving lady. Ive not told DH that I feel his mum has acted a bit sneakily ...but that actually is how I feel. AIBU to feel kind of diddled? The money’s not mine, I’ve never banked on anything but I know in same position I wouldn’t do that do my own kids! Do I need to mentally let this go? We move in August and I just find myself avoiding MIL on phone, I can’t feel the same way about her having previously got on pretty well for years.

But it risks spoiling your DH's relationship with her - I’m not going down that route, would never be worth it. He loves his mum and doesn’t take kindly to anything negative.

@BoomBoomsCousin she's just enjoying her good fortune - in fairness she’s being incredibly frugal - not been away once, neglecting any house repairs (!) - so she’s not living it up and doesn’t seem to appreciate that she is pretty comfortable.

in fairness she’s being incredibly frugal - not been away once, neglecting any house repairs (!) - so she’s not living it up and doesn’t seem to appreciate that she is pretty comfortable.

With her lack of experience with finances she probably doesn’t fully understand her position, may even still be worried about it. Does she have a reasonable pension as well as the capital?

What a tough situation, especially when you and Dh (and SIL) were so good to sign money back to her. I would ask her for the money, even if it’s by way of very long term interest-free loan. I would imagine she has no idea the difference it would make, and would be mortified if she knew you’re selling the house because of it.

You did a lovely thing @Sadinside and absolutely sounded like the right thing at the time. I do wonder if she knew about your financial situation if she'd give DH and SIL something?

There's probably very little to be done now unfortunately. Know you acted in good faith and are on the path to your own financial security.

I wouldn’t give up my home without a fight. It’s not too late yet.

No good deed goes unpunished!

That's really shit and if I had the money to give to my kids then take it all.
My MIL has done the same to my partner. His brother has had some of inheritance for a deposit on a house in London but Mil swears blind she hasn't given it to him and there is nothing to have. She's talks utter rubbish. FIL was the one who actually mentioned they gave him the deposit and he's the honest one. So I believe him.

I’d’ve thought that MIL would’ve inherited everything upon FIL’s death, & your H & SIL only inherit when MIL dies. If I was FIL I’d want to know that MIL was secure in her old age, the kids can look after themselves. You’ve been fortunate enough to self build once OP, I’m sure you can do it again in the future. Let it go, it was never your battle to fight.

Wills can cause so many family rifts but...

If other money is still being found, it suggests to me that it has not all been finalised so you could change your mind. Depends what stage probate etc is at. You might want to seek some advice but equally do you want a family rift.

It would have been better to wait and make decisions until it was clear but you are where you are

I think the problem has occured due to one word in your opening para.

''Quickly''

Has your husband gone back & reexamined to will and issues suchh as inheritance tax? Really the money should never have been paid out ''quickly'' in the first place and certainly not whilst the solicitor was still sorting out the estate.

On from what HellSmith says about, usually M in law would inherit the lot , as his wife, and quite possibly would have been able to lay claim to half of it anyway if it was in a joint account.

Who actually executed the will in the end? your husband, or the solicitor? Had the will be correctly executed, and all the assets consolidated before anything was distributed, you'd not have had the problem

I dont think the inheritance & Will comes into it now. Your husband and whoever inherited and chose to gift the money back to M in law.

2 weeks from exchange is not too late.

Does she have pension income (private as well as state) as well as the £200k? Or presumably £200k plus £120k?

The solicitor was really lax here, and you all seem to have made a big decision based on first glance ‘totting up’ rather than in the solicitor’s proper work.

For heavens sake, talk to your MIL. Does she even grasp that you gave her money left to your DH in the will?

Tell her exactly your situation.

Ask if she would consider reversing the transfer.

However: if she has no other pension income she probably does need it.

I understand what you’re saying and I can imagine being secretly pissed off about it.

On the other hand I’d also be pissed off it my DH wrote a will leaving such a huge sum to our kids when I’m still alive and kicking.

Id just put it out of your head.

So many couples have wills that just give everything to the other spouse. So what is done is probably the most typical.

Sounds unfortunate for sil too. I’d get over the hump towards the mil though. I don’t think she is a wealthy widow now either.

I can see why you feel annoyed but the situation as you find it now is completely normal. Generally all the assets would stay with the other half of a married couple. I don’t really understand how it works in fact - DH couldn’t leave money from our marital assets to someone else could he? Or is the rule that can leave some of your half?

All this could be solved with better communication. You are pissed off with MIL for something she literally has no idea about. She may not have realised why you are moving.

Fil should never had left money belonging to him and his wife to anyone, even his children.

That was their money, it should all be hers now, and for her to the pass on.

Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if your OH died and did the same without you knowing?

I agree that your fil should never have left his and his wife’s money to his kids.

Returning the £40k was probably the right and definitely the kind thing to do at the time.

When the £200k turned up it wouldn't have been unreasonable for your dh to ask MIL if she wanted to honour FIL's wishes and return the £40k.

I can't believe she doesn't know why you're moving. Surely she could tell from the way she was told about it? ('I'm afraid we're going to have to downsize' rather than 'guess what, we're buying a new house").

But if the £40k would just be a sticking plaster, it's all academic really. So sorry you're in this situation

It was very foolish to not follow the wishes of the will.

Do you think if she knew why you were moving she’d offer to assist? I think most parents would? I see your position and it does seem unfair. But I also think it is up to your husband to raise it with her.

If they were worried about their mum, they could have loaned her/ her estate the funds. This would be it from her estate and any future inheritance issues. I would also have been clearer to her, when more money was found that she could bay her children back.

Did your DH talk to a solicitor at any time during the distribution of the estate?

You do not have a MIL problem but a DH problem.

All of the issues above are of your DH's making and are his problems to solve.

Slightly surprised at the number of posters who "don't understand" why you did what you did when your opening post could not have been clearer, OP.

What is slightly unusual is that your fil left these large sums to his children, rather than leaving everything to his wife.

As for pp saying older people tend to hang on to money they'll never use - have you any idea how much it costs to live in a decent care home these days?

I think it’s pretty bad of your father in law to have made a will that effectively disinherited his wife and infantilised her by not giving her full knowledge and equal control of the finances.

I would think by right it was equally shared money and should all have gone to the surviving partner. They were long term married. She supported him to accrue the money. Morally it’s her money so I think it’s absolutely right to have handed it back to her. She not old and has a long time to live on limited income, probably. I really don’t see why she should be pressured to leave her family home that she and her husband managed to buy. It’s not exactly a huge amount she’s been left.

Good job your husband has done the right thing. Pity you’re struggling but she hasn’t cheated you out of anything that wasn’t morally hers.
Time enough for you to inherit.