It’s an inheritance one!

[Sadinside]

Sadly FIL died last year after a truly harrowing illness. He left DH and SIL each 40K. MIL has never really been involved with money, having always kept that as FIL’s domaine - bit old fashioned. The will was old - 20 years old. DH suggested MIL quickly got bank statements together to tot up value of savings and assets - as he was executor. The initial tot up came back as 120K. This would mean once DH and SIL were paid out - she’d have the house (worth about 300K plus 40K savings) - she’s 72 and in good health. DH asked me what I thought, and my immediate feeling was that both siblings should really hand back the will to MIL in order to give her savings and home options (she was talking about moving into a modern house). Papers were signed handing back the money to MIL. Everyone happy. Fast forward about a month, the solicitor is undertaking bank searches and unearths 200K that MIL had no idea about. Suddenly she’s a wealthy widow. No parent / child discussion about giving back the inheritance to anyone. Covid hits, DH has pay slashed, we can’t afford our mortgage and are selling up to move to a much smaller house. The inheritance would have kept our house. MIL In the meantime declares she’s staying put in the old big house. I’ve spoken to no one about this because I feel a bit ashamed of feeling pissed off at an elderly grieving lady. Ive not told DH that I feel his mum has acted a bit sneakily ...but that actually is how I feel. AIBU to feel kind of diddled? The money’s not mine, I’ve never banked on anything but I know in same position I wouldn’t do that do my own kids! Do I need to mentally let this go? We move in August and I just find myself avoiding MIL on phone, I can’t feel the same way about her having previously got on pretty well for years.

@Thewordwomanistaken paid out from what, they are in your fil's accounts

Are you confusing me with the OP? I forgot to bold the quote from her.

I don't need the advice- she does!

I did probate for a PIL (as DH was away with international travel of lot) which involved searching for birth certificates and obtaining them of deceased children ( who pre-deceased DH) and we also had everything in the house valued for IHT, cleared it and sold it at a distance of 300 miles. Communication with their solicitor was for them to rubber stamp it all.

I know the way it works.

It’s absurd that your MiL had no idea whether there was 40k or £240k in savings. Women should never allow themselves to be that passive, it puts them in a vulnerable position. But ....it makes sense in light of the above that the thought of helping out her son hasn’t occurred to her - it’s because she lacks astuteness. I honestly don’t think she’s being grasping or selfish. She’s just a bit of a drip.

And she’s not a mind-reader. If you’re struggling financially, confide in her. She may be quick to help. I truly think that your resentment may be groundless.

The solicitor is being ridiculously slow btw.

Adding on to my previous post when I mentioned the deed of variation and your DH position as sole executor - looks like
he's had control of the estate/assets and legal matters from the start, so it's all on him. You say it's taken about nearly 18 months to sort out? How diligent has your DH been or not been? A solicitor can't act without instructions. Your MIL probably thought things were being handled properly and was content to let someone else deal with it, especially after her bereavement. If this was my DM/MIL I'd be horrified at the idea of asking them for money in theses circumstances. If only because of the upset it would cause. Your MIlL (mine is same generation) isn't unusual in not being financially savvy. (No offence, just look through the posts on MN - for some people that hasn't changed) Not all women of this age had careers as opposed to jobs, not all of them dealt with finance/tax/legal stuff as a matter of course. Your MIL lost her husband, ffs and that br

Signing the deed at a time when we were financially ok, felt like an easy thing to do.

If you genuinely were “financially OK” in early 2019 (and no huge unexpected financial burden appeared between them and lockdown in March this year) you would not have been brought to your knees so quickly by your DH’s loss of pay resulting from Covid. Do you genuinely believe that you were financially OK when you signed away the money? Or has your DH been hiding things from you? I still can’t get my head round how quickly you have decided to sell up a cherished self-built forever home, and how your position has become so precarious so quickly that this is the only option.

OP I am so sorry things are so horrible all round.

Does your MIL know and understand that her son and daughter declined to take £40k each from the estate?

It has seemed bizarre to me that she has to house her Dd, and hasn’t thought about returning that money to her Dd?

It is also bizarre that in a big house she would not have her own son stay over night but he had to stay in a hotel.

I am presuming that the £200k wasn’t actually hidden or being kept as some secret pit, but it was just that in his amateur ‘totting up’ exercise your DH hadn’t happened upon it.

The solicitor sounds very bad.

I don't want to be too harsh but I think you have been a complete idiot to sell up your self build BEFORE telling MIL you're doing to because her son's salary has been slashed and he can't afford the house. Any decent mother would give him what he needed to keep the house. You haven't exactly given her the opportunity to bail you guys out so for that YABU.

‘The period of illness of FIL was a hard financial cost - MIL/FIL live 4 hours away and didn’t want to put anyone up overnight, so DH was asked to stay in hotels every weekend for about 4 months. It was just assumed we could afford that. 😔‘

Presumably your DH thought it was worth the money to spend time with his dying father?

Your MIL isn’t psychic, if you don’t speak to hear about the finances then why would she know what it can and can’t afford?

Or perhaps your DH didn’t think it appropriate to complain about how much it was costing to stay in a hotel to your MIL as she was dealing with the imminent death of her husband?

YANBU, OP. You did the decent thing to ensure she wasn’t, and didn’t find herself, in dire straits; she should do the same now by offering you some of the newly-found money.

It is also bizarre that in a big house she would not have her own son stay over night but he had to stay in a hotel.

Have you any idea Comeby what it's like to have a cancer patient at home?

I have family and friends who have been through this. My own parents nursed my gran in their home for 6 weeks. A close friend had a brain tumour like the OP's father.

Often, they are doubly incontinent and need the bathroom at any time of the day and night, and sometimes they don't make it in time. Beds need changing in the night, poo cleaned off bathroom floors, all sorts of things. There may be Macmillan nurses staying over, the ill person may be confused or embarrassed about their bodily functions.

It's quite understandable why a family do not want anyone else in the house.

Good grief. Yeah, YABU. Can't believe you all handed back the money. It's done now, you'll have to learn to live with it.

Have you any idea Comeby what it's like to have a cancer patient at home

Yes. With all those details, too. I spent every single weekend last year dealing with my Dad’s continence needs because ha haha not everyone gets the at home services they need in our postcode lottery country. Couldn’t even find enough care available to pay privately. Sometimes sleep in the spare room, often on the living room floor. My Mum was never more needing of my presence.

So thanks for the description.

But I guess everyone, each family, are different.

Well you ought to be able to understand Comeby that all families ARE different and not have made the 'bizarre' comment about the MIL.

I didn't stay with my parents when my Dad was dying from Alzheimers and Parkinsons because they only had 1 loo and many nights he would fall out of bed, wet the bedroom floor or poo on the bathroom floor, get up at 2am to make his breakfast. I respected his right for some dignity and privacy.

People manage these things in their own way so it's not up to us to judge.

Yes, ‘bizarre’ was unreasonable.

I had to be there, for the hit and miss commode accidents, and emotionally it would have been a break to be in a hotel.

Hey ho. OP has had a tough year or so.

'Hey ho. OP has had a tough year or so.'

Not quite as tough as the MIL though I would argue, death of your DP after an awful illness is worse.

Not quite as tough as the MIL though I would argue, death of your DP after an awful illness is worse.

Cheap and pointless remark. It's not a competition.

Cheap and pointless remark. It's not a competition.'

OP is feeling resentful towards her MIL for having money when she doesn't, despite the fact that the money has come about because of the DEATH of MIL's husband. There's a lack of empathy there.

@Sadinside I hope the posts here have helped. One thing you mentioned about the costs of the hotels etc. It appears your MIL was insensitive to the cost to you as family. My father always offered me fuel money when I'd been to visit ( 5 hr journey) though I refused to accept it.

It may help you in future to know that if you have to do anything similar in future for a surviving parent, costs incurred are allowable expenses if they are connected to winding up the estate or probate.

DH and I managed probate and house clearance (his sibling lives overseas) and the solicitor advised us to keep a record of travel and hotel costs. These can be offset against the total assets when doing probate/ IHT, and settling inheritance between siblings.

OP is feeling resentful towards her MIL for having money when she doesn't, despite the fact that the money has come about because of the DEATH of MIL's husband. There's a lack of empathy there.

The op and her dh are struggling financially and are having to downsize due to COVID. Their ds is struggling with his mental health and needs help he's not getting. And their generosity re the £40k has backfired.

The op fully acknowledges what an awful time MIL has had. But I'd suggest if anyone is lacking in empathy it's the MIL. What sort of parent could be oblivious to all of the above and not offer some form of help?

'But I'd suggest if anyone is lacking in empathy it's the MIL. What sort of parent could be oblivious to all of the above and not offer some form of help?'

Have you read the part where it explained that they haven't actually told MIL ANY of this? Not the finance, not why they're moving etc.

I don't see how OP can come on a public forum whining about her MIL when no one has talked to her. explained anything, or given her the chance to help or ASKED for help in anyway.
So I do think OP is BU in this case, the DH should actually talk to his mother rather than allow a bunch of randoms to judge her badly on here.

Well very little thought was given to the return of the inheritance. The most sensible thing would,have been for the siblings to keep the money but put it into a savings account and not touch it. (If it was given back both considered it not needed).

It would have stayed there in case the DM needed it for her living expenses. Don't forget she would have had pensions to live on so,probably would have adequate money.

That way the inheritance would be there for anyone in desperate need, including ops family.

The DM is acting disgracefully and I would ask her nicely to help as she does not need this money now, then leave it and hope she leaves the money in her will to her DCs

Have you read the part where it explained that they haven't actually told MIL ANY of this? Not the finance, not why they're moving etc.

Yes I have read those parts. But I have adult dcs and I like to think I have enough empathy not to have everything spelt out to me. If I were the MIL I would be wondering why they were moving. I'd ask them why when they'd put so much effort into building the home they want. I'd ask where they were moving to. I'd put 2 and 2 together and realise that a smaller house = financial difficulty. Then I'd offer to help.
I'd also, as I do with my adult dcs, regularly ask them how work is going - especially during COVID.

They may not want to tell me of course but I like to think I have enough intelligence to be able to read between the lines.

Sounds to me like the MIL is totally lacking in empathy.

The op isn't 'whining'. She's asking for advice and airing feelings that she wouldn't air in real life. And slinging insults at her isn't exact helping.

OP - I'm resentful of recently widowed MIL because of a situation she didn't create and knows nothing about. AIBU? Yes, you are, and you probably know you are.

I think this is simply a case of OP feeling pissed off with the virus and losing her home, which she has every right to be. She knows that she is being unreasonable too, which is why she hasn't told anyone how she feels.

OP, I hope letting off some steam on here has helped a little. Give yourself some time to move past this then put it behind you.

Sounds like life has been shit for you

I find it extraordinary that people think it odd that the FIL should leave money to his children rather than his wife. I imagine he knew that his wife was well provided for and he wanted to get some money to his children.

My husband and I aren't leaving any money to each other. Whichever one of us goes last will automatically get the other half of the house and the remaining half of our joint account savings. I'm assuming that that will be me, as I'm 10 years younger.

Other savings will go to our children. I'd much rather they had it sooner rather than having to wait until I die.

I think it's a real shame that the family jumped the gun and gave back the money that had been left before the full extent of the estate had been established. It was a lovely thing to do and suggests the family are close. If that is the case it seems hard to understand why the OP's husband hasn't explained to his mother and asked for the £40k back.

If that is the case it seems hard to understand why the OP's husband hasn't explained to his mother and asked for the £40k back

The DM is acting disgracefully and I would ask her nicely to help as she does not need this money now

Asked for it back? She doesn’t even have it yet!!!

The money hasn’t been paid out to anyone!!

How is she acting disgraceful?!