It’s an inheritance one!

[Sadinside]

Sadly FIL died last year after a truly harrowing illness. He left DH and SIL each 40K. MIL has never really been involved with money, having always kept that as FIL’s domaine - bit old fashioned. The will was old - 20 years old. DH suggested MIL quickly got bank statements together to tot up value of savings and assets - as he was executor. The initial tot up came back as 120K. This would mean once DH and SIL were paid out - she’d have the house (worth about 300K plus 40K savings) - she’s 72 and in good health. DH asked me what I thought, and my immediate feeling was that both siblings should really hand back the will to MIL in order to give her savings and home options (she was talking about moving into a modern house). Papers were signed handing back the money to MIL. Everyone happy. Fast forward about a month, the solicitor is undertaking bank searches and unearths 200K that MIL had no idea about. Suddenly she’s a wealthy widow. No parent / child discussion about giving back the inheritance to anyone. Covid hits, DH has pay slashed, we can’t afford our mortgage and are selling up to move to a much smaller house. The inheritance would have kept our house. MIL In the meantime declares she’s staying put in the old big house. I’ve spoken to no one about this because I feel a bit ashamed of feeling pissed off at an elderly grieving lady. Ive not told DH that I feel his mum has acted a bit sneakily ...but that actually is how I feel. AIBU to feel kind of diddled? The money’s not mine, I’ve never banked on anything but I know in same position I wouldn’t do that do my own kids! Do I need to mentally let this go? We move in August and I just find myself avoiding MIL on phone, I can’t feel the same way about her having previously got on pretty well for years.

This was all done far too hastily

It's a shame that so many posters are wading in late on this but haven't read the whole thread.

There are some points that the OP made which are revealing.

1 The house move has been rushed through - in the 3 months since we had lockdown and impact on income, they are not able to pay the mortgage.) It looks pretty clear that they had financial issues pre-Covid because otherwise they could have ridden out the storm with a mortgage holiday etc.

2 The OP has not had the money yet to give back! (so the whole thread is a bit weird.)

3 Her DH is the executor of the will and has - for whatever reason- not chivvied the solicitor along to complete probate in 18 months.

(Hence no money in their account to give back!)

I think there is more going on than we are being told, namely the DH's slowness with sorting out his father's will and the MIL's reluctance to help out.

AND possibly her son has a backstory of financial disasters, (he's got into a bad way very fast) so she is reluctant to throw good money after bad.

Who knows?

Asked for it back? She doesn’t even have it yet!!!

No, but presumably she will soon. And plans can be made/adjusted in the knowledge that money is on its way.

@Medievalist

Asked for it back? She doesn’t even have it yet!!!

No, but presumably she will soon. And plans can be made/adjusted in the knowledge that money is on its way.

Please read the whole thread

It’s been 18 months.

Presumably she should have it by now.

Bit audacious for OPs DH to ask for money BACK that she doesn’t even have yet because he hasn’t done his job properly as the executor of the estate!!!

Pretty cheeky to be honest.

Let’s not ‘presume’ when she will finally get the money.

I suspect, and thousands of apologies if this is wrong, that the OP and her DH had financial issues for a long time, because it doesn't make much sense (as has been pointed out) that 3 months of Covid would push them into selling their loved, self-build home so quickly. On the market and sold within 3 months?

My instinct is that they have been close to being in the red for ages and hoped the £40K might help them.

But as the DH is so slow/ hopeless with money issues and has not got onto the solicitor to manage probate (and a solicitor will only do as and when directed) they have developed more and more financial issues - long term- until it's got to the point of selling up.

It's a bit pointless whinging about the loss of the £40K that was never there in the first place (just on paper) .

I wish the OP would be totally honest because why would she give back £40K to the MIL if within 3 months they have gone from being solvent to selling up?

DH suggested MIL quickly got bank statements together to tot up value of savings and assets - as he was executor.

DH appears hopeless with money and as an executor.
No one makes major decisions over money within days/ weeks of a bereavement AND not having done a search for other accounts, or instructing someone to do it.

@Sadinside It does sound as if your DH is the weakest link in this kerfuffle and he should not be executor- he's made basic mistakes and even now he's not doing what he ought to be.

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

I've read the whole thread thank you. Have you?

Even when the probate is finalised, no money will be transferred to OP and her DH to “give back”. She stated clearly in one of her updates that her DH and his sister signed a deed of variation which renounced their shares. The only person to whom money will be transferred at the end of the process (unless OP/her DH decide to look into suing the solicitor) is the MIL, who will get the lot, because that is what the will now says, thanks to the deed of variation.

OP also commented that the MIL and FIL has mirror wills but that MIL rushed sharpish to amend hers when she realised (or words to that effect). I find that odd as MIL would not have been disadvantaged by having a will that mirrored FIL’s. FIL’s would have said something along the lines of “if I die first, 49k to each child and the rest to my wife. If my wife has predecessors me, split it 50/50 between the children. MIL’s will say the same. Not sure why that would need to be changed. Some details here are a bit confused.

40k to each child, not 49k (typo)

Aargh and “predeceased”, not predecessors!

[quote Medievalist]@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

I've read the whole thread thank you. Have you? [/quote]
Yes.

Is there a particular reason you think I haven’t?

Deffo more to this than the OP is saying - going from being okay to losing your house in 3 months and selling up so fast isn't usual at all... in fact the haste makes me think that maybe they or the DH tends to make snap decisions. Why not take a mortgage holiday and wait a few months?
all a bit odd. I hope the MIL keeps her money well away.

I don't think there's anything wrong with FIL choosing to leave £80k to his DC when his wife was left with a £300k house, a further £240k in savings and a regular pension income.

I can also well believe she did not have a grasp on the figures and was understandably worried about money when FIL died. It's quite common.

Beyond that the situation is a mess:

• the value of the estate should have been understood before any actions were taken
• MIL's worries could have been assuaged if someone explained what there was and how her pension would continue, council tax fall etc.
• DH should have got on with getting the estate wrapped up and paid up. All that money will be sitting frozen and earning bugger all, however it's been invested in the past (some solicitors do need a prod to get moving)
• taking what's said at face value, OP is making huge life changes because they're too worried for MIL to fess up their situation even though MIL is well off and could help them.

It's crazy. Well intentioned and very kind at the outset, but crazy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with FIL choosing to leave £80k to his DC when his wife was left with a £300k house, a further £240k in savings and a regular pension income.
Except the will was written 20 years ago. £80k then would be worth double in today's money while the house would have been worth a lot less so the children's inheritance would have been proportionally larger when the will was written.

@lifestooshort123 Absolutely! My point was (very unclearly!) made because quite a few pp seem to think it's wrong that FIL left any money directly to his children.

I’d’ve thought that MIL would’ve inherited everything upon FIL’s death, & your H & SIL only inherit when MIL dies. If I was FIL I’d want to know that MIL was secure in her old age, the kids can look after themselves. You’ve been fortunate enough to self build once OP, I’m sure you can do it again in the future. Let it go, it was never your battle to fight Precisely

I’d’ve thought that MIL would’ve inherited everything upon FIL’s death, & your H & SIL only inherit when MIL dies

Funny how so many people here think that!

Many of my friends with adult DCs are giving them an early inheritance while they (the parents) are still very much alive. In fact it's become the norm what with house prices nowadays in the SE. I know people who have handed over £50K now to children in their 20s, and even bought them property rather than making them wait ti inherit when they might be middle aged.

@JinglingHellsBells

I’d’ve thought that MIL would’ve inherited everything upon FIL’s death, & your H & SIL only inherit when MIL dies

Funny how so many people here think that!

Many of my friends with adult DCs are giving them an early inheritance while they (the parents) are still very much alive. In fact it's become the norm what with house prices nowadays in the SE. I know people who have handed over £50K now to children in their 20s, and even bought them property rather than making them wait ti inherit when they might be middle aged.

Good financial planning!

Funny how so many people here think that When my mother died the will gave everything to my DF but there was a deed of variation in my favour and then a trust set up for me. However the sums involved here although large in a lump sum need to last the MIL for the rest of her life.
The whole thing has been handled appallingly. The DH should have rooted out all the policy and bank account numbers and let the solicitor get on with it. I don't know why the OP knows so much. It's not her inheritance.

Many of my friends with adult DCs are giving them an early inheritance while they (the parents) are still very much alive

I agree that this is a common and usually sensible thing to do. We have done it ourselves. The problem with the OPs situation is that the MIL wasn't aware what her financial position was. It's a different senecio to my husband and I sitting down and working out what we should give the kids together.
It's not possible to know if the MIL was at fault for not knowing anything about her financial situation or whether it was the fault of her husband.

£200K is a lot of cash to have secreted away with the spouse unaware. Maybe he had a secret fund, or it was the type of marriage where she wasn't interested in money so he took care of it all and didn't feel the need to share info.

As someone said upthread, it's quite normal to split your assets in a will, but it would be more sensible to do it in percentages of total savings at time of death, not figures that were recorded 20 years ago.

If anything ought to come across from the OP's post it's that women need to know their finances, and be involved in them, people need to make wills and review them, and family who take on the role of executor need to be up to the job and also find a decent solicitor.

If anything ought to come across from the OP's post it's that women need to know their finances, and be involved in them

And most women under about 70 are. When my dad died, I found loads of accounts my mum quite clearly knew nothing about. If she had, their house wouldn’t have had a 30 + year old disintegrating kitchen and avocado bathroom suite with a cracked hand basin. The money had quite obviously been squirrelled away so she couldn’t argue for spending any of it. I lost a bit of respect for him when I discovered how much money there was.

'Many of my friends with adult DCs are giving them an early inheritance while they (the parents) are still very much alive'

Well lucky, lucky them! However there are many, many of us in the world who pay our own way and aren't getting or expecting money from our parents.

If OPs family aren't talking to MIL about money then I don't see how she can be held responsible for this.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]**@Thewordwomanistaken* paid out from what, they are in your fil's accounts*

Are you confusing me with the OP? I forgot to bold the quote from her.

I don't need the advice- she does!

I did probate for a PIL (as DH was away with international travel of lot) which involved searching for birth certificates and obtaining them of deceased children ( who pre-deceased DH) and we also had everything in the house valued for IHT, cleared it and sold it at a distance of 300 miles. Communication with their solicitor was for them to rubber stamp it all.

I know the way it works.[/quote]
@JinglingHellsBells
Sorry, yes, it was aimed at op not you!!

that's okay @TheWordWomanIsTaken - I was confused for a moment :)