It’s an inheritance one!

[Sadinside]

Sadly FIL died last year after a truly harrowing illness. He left DH and SIL each 40K. MIL has never really been involved with money, having always kept that as FIL’s domaine - bit old fashioned. The will was old - 20 years old. DH suggested MIL quickly got bank statements together to tot up value of savings and assets - as he was executor. The initial tot up came back as 120K. This would mean once DH and SIL were paid out - she’d have the house (worth about 300K plus 40K savings) - she’s 72 and in good health. DH asked me what I thought, and my immediate feeling was that both siblings should really hand back the will to MIL in order to give her savings and home options (she was talking about moving into a modern house). Papers were signed handing back the money to MIL. Everyone happy. Fast forward about a month, the solicitor is undertaking bank searches and unearths 200K that MIL had no idea about. Suddenly she’s a wealthy widow. No parent / child discussion about giving back the inheritance to anyone. Covid hits, DH has pay slashed, we can’t afford our mortgage and are selling up to move to a much smaller house. The inheritance would have kept our house. MIL In the meantime declares she’s staying put in the old big house. I’ve spoken to no one about this because I feel a bit ashamed of feeling pissed off at an elderly grieving lady. Ive not told DH that I feel his mum has acted a bit sneakily ...but that actually is how I feel. AIBU to feel kind of diddled? The money’s not mine, I’ve never banked on anything but I know in same position I wouldn’t do that do my own kids! Do I need to mentally let this go? We move in August and I just find myself avoiding MIL on phone, I can’t feel the same way about her having previously got on pretty well for years.

Agree with various others that you can’t really be angry with MIL if your financial difficulties have never been discussed with her. Sounds like she doesn’t have a clue about money and finances anyway. Probably overwhelmed and doesn’t even want to think about it.

Morality aside, you could argue there is no point in keeping savings and equity in the house to pay for potential care. This gets used up extremely quickly, and then the state has to pay once these savings have dwindled below the threshold. It’s not really any personal benefit to her to save for this purpose.

[quote Sadinside]@Harriedharriet - we are 2 weeks from exchange now, it’s too far progressed. We are self builders - I built this house for the family so I am devastated to leave. Thinking about it the 40k would be a sticking plaster over a wound. Selling up helps our financial hole a lot more. I need perspective. The family are meeting today for a socially distant cup of tea - I’ve declined to go - partly cos I’ve got the hump; I feel admit it.[/quote]
It's not progressed too far, it only takes a phone call. Mil has no obligation to help you though.

This isn’t an inheritance thing at all. The inheritance issue was done and dusted when your DH got the £40K. This is a question of you regretting that your DH gave his mum a cash gift.

I can understand your feelings but realistically £40k is not a lot of money. It’s not a life changing sum and won’t last forever. If your husbands income has fallen dramatically then you would probably have to downsize eventually anyway.

Having £320 thousand in the bank doesn’t make your MIL a wealthy widow. It puts her in a much better position than having her original £40 thousand but it’s still not a huge amount. As you say she is still relatively young. She could easily be around for another 20 years or more. The £320k would only cover her for 6 or 7 years in a care home.

I’d go easy on your MIL for now. She’s very recently widowed and probably not thinking straight. And as awful as it is for you to have to downsize, at least you are doing it with your DH by your side. It doesn’t compare to losing your husband.

OP’s DH should have left it to the solicitor to manage the Will as they would have looked into the value of the entire estate and advised the family. It appears the DH valued his father’s estate based on bank statements alone and clearly had no proper understanding of the role of an executor.

I agree with others that the £200k doesn’t make he a wealthy widow. She is only 72- that money has to last her until she dies. Your fil did her a big disservice drawing up a crappy diy will and giving away a large chunk of money (20 years ago that would have been a much larger chunk of her money) when she seemingly doesn’t understand finances. A much more normal model would be for spouses to leave everything to each other. As hard as it must be now, I think you did the right thing giving the money back.

Your husband did the right thing by giving his mother the £40k. I'm amazed that his father thought that was a reasonable sum to leave to both offspring 20 years ago - that must be the equivalent of £80k now! It should have all gone to his wife (perhaps a token £5k to both offspring) so she has no money worries. I'm sorry that you're having to downsize but I would try and get over any bad feelings towards her - it really is your husband's decision anyway and he's doing the decent thing.

Your DH needs to be more proactive about this - after all, he is the executor! The solicitor is only carrying out instructions (according to the will and the law), he's not making decisions.
Either do something or stop moaning. It's in your hands.

She is only 72- she will need that money and it should never have been given to the adult children in the will in the first place.
She isn’t wealthy either.

You need to stop being off with her- it isn’t very nice behaviour.

It’s very odd that your FIL left money to his children whilst his spouse survived, but I doubt the fact that his will was 20yrs old meant it should have been invalid.

I doubt he squirrelled away 300k in a short space of time, so he knew exactly what he was leaving behind and to who.
I know there was a lapse in time between finding both sums of money, but did nobody question if there may have been a reason for him leaving that sum to them? I.e. His wife isn’t wonderful with money as he’s dealt with the finances all of their married lives, and so she may spend any and all inheritance should he die first.

In hindsight not a great move, from an inheritance tax perspective this is really bad financial planning as the whole estate is now being to be values for tax on MIL death at 40% for anything over the allowed threshold.
I can see you grievance with MIL but her children did sign over the original will without a complete idea of the estate value. I would definitely suggest your DH and family seek some financial/ IHT tax planning advice.
As for the "lost" money, you need to forget it and move on before it sours everything. Had your FIL not died you would be doing exactly the move you are going to undertake and perhaps downsizing will be financially relaxing, don't resent it.

So you encouraged your husband and his sister to give up their inheritance only to get fucked over?

Karma a bitch. Should stayed out of it.

Also, it’s not her fault you gave the money back and now haven’t explained your dire financial situation to her, so she could offer to help.

Just talk to her, she may indeed offer to help, and then you and your husband can discuss it properly. Personally I wouldn’t take the money either way, as whilst it’s not too late to pull out of the sale, it doesn’t sound like it’ll sort anything out properly in the long run.

I’d be livid at this. You acted very kindly but it’s now left you in a hard position. I think your MIL should offer to give you the money back and your husband should have a conversation with her about it. You are very entitled to be pissed off. I’d be exactly the same.

You seem nice ukgift

Thing is, if she gives your dh his back she'd have to do the same with his sister Might not be the best for her money wise.

@Pineapples1980 - The MIL doesn’t know that they’re struggling though?

Your DH has relinquished his share. It's over.

Sounds like a DH problem. He decided to hand over the £40k, he didn’t carry out his role as executor properly handing out money before checking everything, and he hasn’t spoken to MiL.

I sorted out my mums will recently and you don’t divide up the money until you have everything cleared.

I think you might feel better if you do manage to mention to her casually how sad you are to be leaving the house, because you built it. "But there you are, we can't afford to keep it now our income is slashed because of Covid". It might make her think about the money you gave back to her. But you do take the risk that she still doesn't offer you the money back, and then you may feel worse.

I can understand your irritation. My personal feeling is that your MIL is not that interested or she would have asked why you are moving from a self built house and could have offered help then. What's done is done though and one of my motos in life is not to dwell.

If she doesn’t know why you’re moving she wouldn’t offer to help because she doesn’t know you need it.

Tell her, then if she doesn’t offer to help then you can get pissed off.

Did this not have to go through probate?

@Pineapples1980

I’d be livid at this. You acted very kindly but it’s now left you in a hard position. I think your MIL should offer to give you the money back and your husband should have a conversation with her about it. You are very entitled to be pissed off. I’d be exactly the same.

I disagree.

FIL should never have left so much joint money to their children when it could have left his surviving spouse in a dangerous financial position.

It was right that the money was handed back. I could never take that much money from my parent while they were still living. FIL was in the wrong. And it would have been entirely wrong to follow the will.

What’s happened since is not MIL fault - she doesn’t know why you are selling your house. You will no doubt receive some inheritance following her death.

Being pissed off and livid (as PP said) would be an awful way to react. And a bit entitled.

how did you hand the money back? Did a solicitor draw up a deed of variation? Would ANY solicitor have done that before the full and final assets were known?

Also- you say your DH persuaded his sister to hand over hers as well because otherwise she would have just run through the money. It's not the main part of your question, but I am confused as to what your sister does with her own assets should be a concern to you? Now she does not have it at all. I am confused.

I think you ought to talk to a solicitor.

In normal situations the money would be passed from husband to wife anyway. This is what happened with my parents and then eventually when my mother passed we inherited what was left.