To ask your opinion on slapping kids as discipline?

[Sizedoesmatter]

Just curious to see what the general opinion is on using slapping or 'spanking' (I despise that word) children?

Mine is a very hard no. I don't agree with it in the slightest and I hate the argument of 'I was slapped and I turned out fine', in my opinion you didn't, because if you turned out fine you wouldn't be slapping your children. However 3 seperate sets of parents out of our friend group do use slapping as discipline, so it's obviously still quite common.

Is it ever OK to slap a child? Do you think it's an effective form of discipline? I got my fair share of whacks with the brush off the dustpan and brush or the wooden spoon. I can remember running from the house one day when my mother grabbed the sweeping brush during an argument. Can't say those experiences done me any good. Others may think different?

Absolutely no way. It’s a parental loss of control, it’s not discipline.
Unless you’re smacking their hand away from something dangerous like a PP said.

@JustBumblingAlong

Absolutely no way. It’s a parental loss of control, it’s not discipline. Unless you’re smacking their hand away from something dangerous like a PP said.

Even then I wouldn’t think you’d actually ‘smack’ their hand away

I learnt to be afraid of my parents, and that it's OK to hit people if they annoy you.Great lessons from my parents there. It took a while for school to undo number two, IIRC.

Haha, yeah. My parents, weirdly, were very against corporal punishment in school. I remember asking them why it was ok for them to hit me if they expected teachers to do something else and was told "it's different". I asked why and, you guessed it, got threatened with a smack if I didn't shut my smart mouth.

Then they used to hand wring and wail when my brother and I beat the shit out of each other all the time and wonder why we did it. Good one, parents, smart work!

@ShebaShimmyShake

I learnt to be afraid of my parents, and that it's OK to hit people if they annoy you.Great lessons from my parents there. It took a while for school to undo number two, IIRC.

Haha, yeah. My parents, weirdly, were very against corporal punishment in school. I remember asking them why it was ok for them to hit me if they expected teachers to do something else and was told "it's different". I asked why and, you guessed it, got threatened with a smack if I didn't shut my smart mouth.

Then they used to hand wring and wail when my brother and I beat the shit out of each other all the time and wonder why we did it. Good one, parents, smart work!

I was at school in the 90s, so no corporal punishment for us, although I seem to recall a teacher knocking (not violently!) two girls heads together for talking...

My brothers, sisters and I used to get hit for hitting each other, which seems very counterproductive.

Oh, it wasn't a thing when I was at school either, but the topic came up with alarming frequency. I remember lots of media debates about bringing back the cane, even in children's programmes and in our own classrooms. Seemed there were a lot of adults our parents' age who were very angry that they'd experienced it and we hadn't. Weird that my parents were against it when they so heartily approved of it at home but you know, ask why again and I'll wallop you. Maybe I'll ask Mum now. She can try bashing me around from two metres away if she likes.

My brothers, sisters and I used to get hit for hitting each other, which seems very counterproductive.

Haha, yeah. But, you know, that's DIFFERENT.

Let me rephrase it for you:

Someone annoyed me in the supermarket so I slapped them - is that ok?

My colleague did a mistake at work so I slapped them - is that ok?

My partner keeps leaving the toilet seat up so I'm going to slap him - is that ok?

If you had asked before I became a father, I would have said it's perfectly fine and effective. I was smacked regularly by my parents, belted and caned at school so corporal punishment was my normal. After becoming a father, no way. The thought of inflicting physical pain on my children, or indeed any child, became abhorrent from day 1. I've raised my children and stepchildren to adulthood and never raised my hand to them once. I've not even raised my voice to them that often. Yet they were all respectful, well behaved children to be proud of. All bar one are parents themselves now and none of them smack. Aside from the moral argument, I believe smacking is counterproductive and there are far more effective ways of coaching children.

If you can't discipline children without physical abuse then you're a bad parent. It wouldn't be seen as acceptable to hurt an adult if they were behaving poorly so why should it ever be acceptable to treat children like that? Children are people but sadly many people don't seem to grasp that.

Never acceptable as a punishment, I was slapped/smacked often as a child, in fact my mother went to slap me round the face about 18 months ago but thought better of it (I’m 44) my mother has had MH and anger issues all her adult life. I remember feeling alone and scared after she had smacked me and I would never inflict those feelings on my own children. I have swiped DD hand away from the iron once when she was a toddler, the look of shock in her eyes must have been what my mother used to see in mine, it fills me with horror. It’s nothing but abuse and loss of self control.

For those who believe it can be an effective form of punishment, would you be in favour of allowing child care professionals to use smacking in the same way? Or another parent at the park if your child was misbehaving? I agree with PP that if you aren't able to say that it's never acceptable, you are leaving a lot of potential for interpretation which there isn't if you just take it off the table completely, and I do think that this is a genuine cause for concern.

And in cases where it's 'instinctual', (either in response to them injuring you, or putting themselves or others in danger) how then do you limit the potential risk that you will do serious damage? If instinct takes over, do you have control over how hard you are hitting, or where on your child? I think I'd worry that I would really hurt them one day if I had been unable to stop myself in the past.

I'm also trying to imagine how I'd feel if my husband hit me for hurting him accidentally, even if I was doing something stupid. I think I would consider the injury a contributory factor and maybe not react as I would if it were unprovoked, but I think it would lurk at the back of my mind and I'd probably never really stop worrying about it happening again.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking 'never say never', but we are legally obliged to deal with a whole range of behaviours from adults without hitting them, and we expect professionals and strangers not to use physical discipline with our children, so what is it about a parent-child relationship that makes hitting acceptable?

No, it should be illegal.

It is your circus and they are your monkeys

Christ, that’s some sad reflection of parenting.

Totally not acceptable. I have a temper but I have never,never come close to smacking. It makes me feel physically sick.
I was smacked and I remember the feeling of humiliation so clearly. I remember my primary school teacher hitting me when I was 4, having no idea what it was for, she literally just whacked me. Awful.

I try not too, but I’m not perfect.

When they’ve been pushing your buttons all day, you’ve done all the Supernanny techniques and been sat out all day for doing the same thing over and over again, had electronics/treats taken etc and still choose to play up, I think a quick, sharp smack can have then desired effect if it’s an ultimate sanction. I think you can’t expect some parents not to be pushed to the end of their tether occasionally.

If a workplace did something to me over and over again I would walk out etc.

I have read negative things about the sitting out technique, withdrawing communication apparently can cause issues or the poster mentioning her Father lashing out with words.

I completely agree it’s not ideal and I don’t agree with what my friend does if half heartedly telling her son to stop it 8 times then suddenly blowing up and smacking. It really is a nuclear option for me, but sometimes you have to draw the line.

I think a lot more parents do it than let on behind closed doors too.

Even if you think that violence is never justified, lucky the law disagrees with your black and white view of the word and recognises there are limited circumstances where it will be justified or defendable. Self defence being one of them.

Self defence is not violence. It may be force but as violence is "actions or words that are intended to hurt people" and the intention of self-defence is not actually to hurt others but to protect yourself, it's not violence.

I totally disagree with it. The evidence seems to be heavily weighted towards it being harmful and of low effectiveness as a discipline method.

I try not to be too judgemental, though because I'm not perfect. I've done plenty of things as a parent that I regret, maybe some of them are worse than smacking.

I don't think it's always immediately clear when a parent's response to poor behaviour is successful. Especially when there is more than one child in the mix, I can see why parents sometimes turn to methods they are familiar with rather than advice from "expert" sources.

I think there is a difference between stuff like slapping your child’s hand away from something hot or dangerous, or playfully slapping them off you when they are being too boisterous (which I know doesn’t actually hurt, and which I would also do to DH and adult DBro if they stuck their foot in my face), and deliberately smacking your child as a punishment designed to hurt them, which I think is counterproductive and usually a sign of a parent who has lost control.

And obviously slapping your child around the face would be a different kettle of fish again - that I think is just outright abuse, there’s no room for debate about parenting styles at all there.

I don't know how to deal with my dd's behaviour sometimes when she refuses to do things, screams, punches me, slaps me. She won't sit on a step or a chair or do time out etc. She just won't do it. How do I make her? If I take away a toy or threaten to, she ramps up the screaming and hitting and refusing. She's 5, she's been like this since she was about 2. No interest in sticker charts. Being assessed for autism. I did smack her once. It was a reflexive action after she smacked me in the face. I felt incredibly guilty over it.

If you have to resort to hitting your children to bring them under control then you have lost control.

If hitting worked then there wouldn’t be any more bad behaviour

Where do you go if hitting doesn’t get a child to behave how you want them to

i'm just wondering.
it was totally the norm when i was young, also at school.
some places it is still the norm, eg africa.
and africans are the ones who cannot understand how we have so many old people's homes. they have the warmest regard for their elders and regard it as a privilege to look after and do anything for them.
respect is demanded from children in african homes. and it is the norm. smacking is not usually needed. but it is not viewed as wrong.
by either children or parents.
i am not talking about any excessive hitting, just a judicious smack.
i know this is a generalisation, but it is generally true.
just a thought.

@FudgeBrownie2019 maybe you should read my post properly i never condoned smacking
And if course there are good kids ( i hope my two teenagers are )
But in general behaviour is a lot worse
My kids tell me what school is like and the abuse the teachers take at times
When i was at secondary yes sure kids misbehaved at times bit some of what my kids say can happen now is shocking
And i went to a inner london city school not some quiet village schiool

Assault is assault. The age of the victim doesn’t matter.

It’s illegal here in NZ. That doesn’t stop the horrific child abuse stats because those people aren’t worried about breaking laws anyway. But my impression from mixing with other families , and attending playgroups etc is that smacking is seen as very unacceptable . I’ve never come across anyone that does it- my circles seem to use positive parenting / empathy methods .
My parents smacked us. But I think it was because they were young, didn’t read up on parenting etc . I don’t think I’d like to teach a kid that I could hit them because I was bigger than them but that they shouldn’t . My daughter would say that’s not fair and she’s be right . I think even small children know when something is not right.

I think most parents occasionally lose the plot and do a quick smack

No, that's just what you choose to believe to make yourself feel better.

I was smacked a few times as a kid, and I did turn out fine, but I still don't snack my own children. Times and attitudes have changed.