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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know why my friend has cut me off?

105 replies

Showmerheway · 27/06/2020 06:17

I've been close friends with a man since we were very young, he was one of my best friends. We'd been friends for about 10 years, across our teenage years and into our early twenties where we are now. There was always a somewhat sexual element to the relationship and he asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of times when we were teenagers. I turned him down because I didn't feel ready for a relationship.

Our close friendship continued through university and we both graduated last year. We lived in separate cities but always saw each other when we both returned to our home town at the same time.

Since lockdown began, I moved back to my home town to live with my parents, as did he.

He first messages me asking to meet up and I tried to arrange for us to meet outside. He agreed to plans 3 times in a row and each time then flaked last minute with silly excuses.

I got slightly annoyed with him after the third time and he at first was defensive but layer apologised, giving no reason for why he really kept cancelling.

Since then, I've heard nothing from him, despite the fact he's living only a 5 minute walk away from me.

I really miss him and I'm not sure why he's cut me off, or how I can rekindle our friendship. Should I ring him and ask him what's going on?

OP posts:

Needtolovemyself · 27/06/2020 08:12

Go and knock on his door. If he doesn’t want to see you, you’ve lost nothing.

Queenoftheashes · 27/06/2020 08:14

You won’t look like a stalker. You’ve been friends for years so it’s weird for him to cut you off. Say you’re concerned and care about time. Friends can do that.

KetoWinnie · 27/06/2020 08:24

I don't think he considered you a friend. He considered you a potential love interest. And if he was knocked back before, then now he's gained weight, he's taking himself out of the arena altogether.
If you have been friends for ten years though, then it is not weird to say ''what are you thinking?''.

Dragonembroidery · 27/06/2020 08:34

Go round. It doesn't make you look like a stalker! You're old friends.

Hes probably a bit depressed. And bit self loathing. This is normal in this awful year.

Cheer him up. Bring wine/ homemade biscuits and compliments.
Flirt and kiss him too. I would! and I always (used to, in my prime) get my man.
Prep self for great sex!

Treacletoots · 27/06/2020 08:37

He's developed feelings for you and is trying to protect himself

frumpety · 27/06/2020 08:40

Ten years is a long time for someone to hang around hoping the other party will fall for them. Maybe he is trying to move on ?
If you really want him you are going to have to take the risk of telling him you do.

stealm · 27/06/2020 08:42

Maybe he's had time to think in lockdown and decided that the friendship isn't doing him any good. Perhaps he thinks it is time to move on. He might even have met someone else.

Have you phoned him and he hasn't picked up? You say you've heard nothing from him - that sounds very passive as if you're waiting for him to contact you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/06/2020 08:43

If I were him I wouldn't want a relationship now. I'd be thinking 'great, she's had ten years, tried out all the opposition and NOW I look a good bet? No thanks, she's had her chance.'

He may just be busy?

Original poster

Showmerheway · 27/06/2020 08:45

When I say we've been friends for 10 years, that means since we were 13. I have not been 'trying out all the opposition' since the age of 13.

OP posts:

Dashel · 27/06/2020 08:52

He has either met someone else or still likes you very much but doesn’t want to get hurt by another rejection.

Go around and find out, you have nothing to loose and everything to gain from finding out! Pic nic catch up in the garden or local park sounds great

Notthetoothfairy · 27/06/2020 08:54

I agree with the PP who said you should go round with a bottle of wine on short notice. What’s the worst that could happen?

keepingbees · 27/06/2020 08:57

Ask him if you've done something wrong.
I agree I think he might not have viewed this as a platonic friendship. He might be thinking of cutting his losses and starting fresh now he's finished uni.
Could be he's met someone or lost confidence in lockdown. Who knows, but you won't know unless you speak to him.
Tell him that if he wants you to leave him alone you will respect that, but you miss him and value your friendship so would appreciate knowing why.

PicsInRed · 27/06/2020 08:58

@Notthetoothfairy

I agree with the PP who said you should go round with a bottle of wine on short notice. What’s the worst that could happen?

🤔 ...his lockdown gf is living there and OP finds herself having an awkward glass of wine with them.

If he wont take your call, send one (not long) email or message, then just leave it.

Are you sure that you want him romantically, or are you just lonely? Don't mess with his feelings if you aren't actually that into it.

Beni1993 · 27/06/2020 08:59

There was always a somewhat sexual element to the relationship and he asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of times when we were teenagers. I turned him down

Kind of feel like this answers your question? It seems like he doesn't want to be just friends, and having had a "somewhat sexual element" with you can only have lead him to believe that something more could happen in the future. Maybe he just got tired of waiting or realised it was never going to happen.

All of this being said, if that's important to you why are you on here discussing it with strangers?! Grow up and ask him directly

Alchemila · 27/06/2020 09:03

You can't then him down because you're not ready and expect his to wait around for years until you are.

OP isn’t expecting him to wait around for years. They’ve been good friends for a decade, and that has suddenly stopped. Of course she wants to know why.

Bookoffacts · 27/06/2020 09:03

The best feeling in the world is kissing someone for the first time when you've wanted to for long time.

Even in the unlikely event of their being another girl there, act like it's fine and you just missed him. Youve been friends for years so you're allowed to pop round. It's normal behaviour.

Bookoffacts · 27/06/2020 09:07

images.app.goo.gl/27cJkg7WvsrEFkVr7

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 27/06/2020 09:08

If you've realised you do like him in that way it's your turn to stick your neck out.. You would rather have done it face to face but can't, just message him saying you really need to talk to him, you miss him and it's made you think about your relationship. If he's seeing someone else you might get rejected, but that's the worst that can happen and you've rejected him a number of times already.
Fwiw I've known DH since we were eleven, we hooked up a couple of times as teenagers but always brushed it off as silly, had a few too many drinks etc, both went off to uni and came back to live in our hometown after, both in relationships, split within six months of each other, still took another six months and a raucous Halloween party for anything to happen and another year of no we're not really in a relationship (we definitely were) , it can be a bit scary when there's a lot to lose. We're now married and have a child.

verybritishproblems · 27/06/2020 09:11

All of this being said, if that's important to you why are you on here discussing it with strangers?! Grow up and ask him directly*

Oh that’s nice that is. This is a forum for Gods sake. You could reply to every post and question with this. She’s after independent advice and/or wants to just chat out her feelings first. Like everyone on here. I mean...

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 27/06/2020 09:11

Oh and I do believe men will happily be platonic friends with a woman, my best friend is male, never been a hint of anything else, our grandparents knew each other so we've known each other our whole lives. I'm now also friends with his wife and he's been friends with DH since school

SionnachGlic · 27/06/2020 09:15

He hasn't just been good friends though all the years...sounds like he fancied you for much of it & suggested being a couple but got turned down. Maybe he is just over it now, the spell is broken & he is no longer attracted to you... so his interest in meeting up has been lost. Who knows OP, you won't unless you ask him. Before you go suggesting a relationship, why are you now interested when you weren't before? Maybe because you are isolated/lonely/bored in lockdown & he is nearby? Make sure you know why you are having this change of heart as you are asking this guy to risk his heart again when you've likely hurt him before. Also...13 is a long way from 23 for boys...he might have changed .he could be a player now...he is only young & might be about meeting every pretty little thing in his line of vision & your timing is way off. Def say what you feel... but you should also be ready to be turned down.

AranciaRosso · 27/06/2020 09:15

How are you getting on with your colleague? The one who's secretly in love with you?

InfiniteSheldon · 27/06/2020 09:18

Honesty is your best policy. If he rejects you you know where you stand and after 10 years of this malarkey he deserves nothing less than you putting yourself on the line.

AllDressedUpForMyselfOnly · 27/06/2020 09:18

Good luck OP and keep us updated!

incognitomum · 27/06/2020 09:20

Good luck

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