To ask what you think about being expected to take husband's last name

[DisaK]

Long time MNetter

I'd like to ask what other MNetters think about men who expect their wives to take their last name when they get married and are very pushy about it.

Of course I know for some wives who really don't like their own surname or much prefer their DP's, there might be no issue at all.

What I'd like to know is what you think of men who are very adamant that women should take their name when they get married.

I wouldn’t marry someone who was a dick about a name. My exH kept his, I kept mine, and our children have both of ours to do with as they wish and see fit when they are old enough.
And it might have been (still is) my dad’s name, but I’ve also had it since I was born, I’m pretty attached to it and I’m claiming it as my own.

Wait what. People who use their fathers surname have fallen for the patriarchy? At what point between birth and adulthood should they renounce this patriarchal name, and what should they change it to?

Should boys also lose their fathers surname and change it to something else?

*itisbetter I do see vaguely where you are coming from but short of everyone choosing their own name in adulthood and changing to that by deed poll, one has to start somewhere and that's where I chose to.

Out of interest, is your legal name the one you were given shortly after birth and therefore presumably reflects the name of at least one male ancestor?

Very happy to have taken his surname. It's what folk have done for hundreds of years. Why all the anger?

It's not 'daddy's name' you utter nincompoop it's mine.

Spot on. And it's also a family name and not a 'maiden' name, which is a pretty repulsive term by any reckoning. Where do these ludicrous ideas come from that names are on loan to women from a father or husband, but men's are their own? That attitude can get in the bin as far as I'm concerned.

I pick my battles, and would die on this particular hill. To have a would-be spouse try to dictate so personal a thing as someone else's own identity doesn't bode well for the future.

Big fat 'no' from me.

The anger is because the op asked about men who were adamant about it, not about women who were happy to change it.

I would not have been impressed had my husband suggested that before our wedding. I can see the argument for wanting to have the same last name, especially if you (are planning to) have kids. But then it should be a discussion about whose name to adopt or whether to combine them.

As it stands, DH and I both decided to keep our own names. We still get post addressed to Mr and Mrs DHLastName from his side of the family though... (although not from my PiLs, they know better than that :)).

For me it would be a dealbreaker if my partner wasn’t willing to discuss what we chose to be our family surname. But it wouldn’t have got to the point of having that type of discussion someone so blatantly sexist - or ‘traditional’ if you prefer. Me and my husband both decided to double barrel our names.

@MorrisZapp

The anger is because the op asked about men who were adamant about it, not about women who were happy to change it.

Watch the thread fill up with women talking about how pleased they were to change theirs regardless.

Surely this is a conversation that is had before the proposal happens

@MorrisZapp I’m not sure how you can’t think being named for your male parent as he was for his ISN’T patriarchal? At what point between birth and adulthood should they renounce this patriarchal name, and what should they change it to? presumably each person can choose, and there is no “should”?

is your legal name the one you were given shortly after birth and therefore presumably reflects the name of at least one male ancestor? no.

@AgeLikeWine

Fuck that.

No way would I ever be in a relationship with, never mind marry a man who had such outdated, sexist, patriarchal attitudes. It’s 2020, not 1950.

Totally agree. I'm in my 50s and have never changed my name.

Never even considered changing it. DH wouldn't have dreamed of asking me to either, which is why he is DH I guess.

Ugh. Well actually it wouldn't arise because I'd never contemplate marrying a man who tried to "push" me into doing what I didn't want to!

I didn't change my name on marriage. Men don't so I don't see why I should. Bollocks to tradition. It's a tradition that arose from a time when women had no legal identity - they were just men's chattels.

I’m not sure how I think about women who insist on keeping Daddy’s name

I share a name with my dad. But it's my name, I've had it for a very long time. And, as a matter of fact, my dad changed his name by deed poll a year before he married mum, so he hasn't had the name much longer than I have.

And a bloke also has his dad's name, but many people don't seem to grasp that.

If you actually think of the name as “yours” then I would suggest you have swallowed the whole thing hook line and sinker.

Bullshit. This is the name on my BC, it's the name I've always used. I wasn't going to go and change it once old enough to deed poll, just because I happen to share a name with dad.

And in any case, many people do NOT have their dad's surnames at birth, so your comment is irrelevant.

I haven't changed my name and it would probably have been a deal breaker for me if DH had tried to lay down the law on this. It's not the 1950s.

@Khadernawazkhan

Very happy to have taken his surname. It's what folk have done for hundreds of years. Why all the anger?

Couple of hundred years, perhaps, but before that it was common for men and women to retain their own names.

is your legal name the one you were given shortly after birth and therefore presumably reflects the name of at least one male ancestor?

Your legal name, in the U.K., is the name you are generally called and known by.

And a lot of surnames actually descend from women. EG, Webster, derives from the term for a female weaver, so at least one webster passed her surname down.

I told my DH I wouldn't take his name from day one. Mil resents it so much. I still get bday presents address to Mrs His Name. Aargh. Made a thousand times worse when I said our kids would be double barrelled not just his name. She then sulked my name was the one that came first as 'that's all people will remember'. She didn't talk to me for the last three months of pregnancy number one in fact. My husband ignored her thank god. If my DH had TOLD me to take his name I probably would have married him

*wouldn't. Stupid phone

Big red flag here OP.
What else does he expect? This wont be one little thing that's in isolation I promise you!
So galling to read, it's 2020 FFS.

And in any case, many people do NOT have their dad's surnames at birth, so your comment is irrelevant. to people who aren’t keeping their Daddy’s name. I think I was fairly clear that I was talking about people who were named for their fathers. Interesting that your father didn’t want to keep his fathers name but named you the one he’d chosen for himself.

Some have said they haven't changed their name upon marriage [I did, my choice] so which last name do the children have ?

And if they have both , what happens if they go on to marry someone who also has both ?!

@Itisbetter

Men have their fathers names as well from birth (going by your remarks)... why is it only a problem for you when a woman has her fathers name?

Very strange.

I have my mothers name btw.

It isn’t “only a problem for you when a woman has her fathers name“ I don’t have a problem with anyone calling themselves whatever they want I just don’t see how it’s worse to use one name or another???

I wish I had never changed mine. When I got married the first time I took my husbands name and struggled with who I then was. We were only married 18 months. I then got married again and although I was happy to get rid of the first married name, I would have preferred to go bank to my maiden name but we knew we wanted a child and it just seemed better if our children had the same surname as us and their half siblings.
I don’t have a particularly close relationship with my parents, but I spent 25 years honing who I was only to start relabelling myself. My future step daughter wants to keep her maiden name and I’m the only one who understands where she is coming from.