To want him to reduce his weed use?

[9millioncansofbeans]

I rekindled a relationship recently with a past love. He is a regularly canabis user - 4-5 joints a day. He told me initially he wanted weed to have less control over him so that if he didn’t have access to it for a few days he would be ok. So I assumed that meant he wanted to cut back. When I asked how I could support him to reduce his use he responded by saying he has no intention of ever stopping or reducing his use and he doesn’t need me making him feel guilty over it. I explained that if we are together long term then that level of use impacts me in terms of holidays, days out etc and I would personally feel much happier if he smoked less ie just morning and evening at least.
He’s not willing to. I feel like it’s me doing all the compromise. I’m worried about future holidays and he wants me to take his word for it that if we ever went on holiday to a country where he couldn’t get weed he would be ok with it.
I would have hoped he would say when he’s with me he won’t smoke during the day just morning and evening. And that he would go a weekend with me without smoking to show me if we went on holiday he could do it. But I’m just meant to believe him and asking him to compromise slightly on his use is unreasonable in his eyes. So now I’m confused about if I’m being unreasonable and controlling to even ask?

I don’t smoke at all btw and I don’t know anyone else who does.

It's not that he won't reduce his usage, he can't.

He's an addict.

If I were interviewing people to hire a complete loser, this bloke's CV would be top of the pile.

Imagine your otherwise liveable house has a massive cowpat in the living room. You'd enjoy living there much more if you cleaned it up, even though the task of cleaning and getting rid of it is briefly very unpleasant.

The house is your life, you can guess the rest for yourself.

You got with a druggie you can't moan about his drug addiction. I would not be with an addict but its your life choice.

Yabu, you knew he smoked it before you got back together and naively thought a one off statement about him reducing reliance would mean he was going to cut back etc. Was he stoned when he said that by any chance?
It is clear your lifestyles do not mesh so walk away. Tbh I don't understand what you are getting out off this relationship if he is always high anyway.

He sounds like a loser. Hope you're not planning on getting back together

Unkindle and be kind to yourself.

What a dropout. Get rid.

Jeez, he must stink.

I think you have to face the fact that you’re not going to change him. With that in mind, would you like him to be the Responsible father of your children? Would you like a nice home and do nice things like holidays and days out? Do you want a partner you can value as your equal? Because if the answer to any of those is yes, you’re not going to get it from this pothead.

@Aquamarine1029

He is being crystal clear. You are not important enough to him to limit his weed use. Weed comes before you in this relationship. You want more for your life surely.

This. Time to move on.

Thanks all. It’s always helpful to find out if if others would feel similar or if I am over thinking.

I feel guilty about it too. He took the first break up incredibly badly, was very hurt over it, couldn’t understand any of it and acted like I had destroyed his life. He said “you offered me everything I’ve ever wanted on a platter and then took it away” . I worry sometimes my stable job and mortgage is a big part of his attraction to me.

If you had a daughter and she was in this predicament, what advice would you give her?

Walk away. You aren't responsible for his happiness.

Well you probably stopped giving him money for weed when you broke up with him so you did make his life more inconvenient.

When I asked how I could support him to reduce his use he responded by saying he has no intention of ever stopping or reducing his use

So, he was quite clear at the beginning of your relationship that he wouldn't stop smoking weed. Honesty in a relationship is admirable, and he was nothing short of honest. You still decided to get into a relationship with him. Why get into a relationship and then expect him to change. You need to accept that what you see is what you get and not wish for the 'if only'.

Only you can decide if you can put up with his weed smoking, as he is not going to change anytime soon. I would worry more about your latest update: He said “you offered me everything I’ve ever wanted on a platter and then took it away” Sorry, that sounds like a red flag to me.

Adults make these decisions themselves and have every right to. He’s clearly more into weed than he’s into you. If that isn’t what you’re looking for it’s time to move on.

Come on OP. Is this really what you want from your life? A boring waster drug addict whose life revolves around weed? Aim higher for godsake!

@Merryoldgoat

So why are you back together? Does he have a magic cock?

😂

Oh so he’s emotionally manipulative as well. Honestly this guy is horrible, and it is not just his weed use.

I think you’re spot on that your financial situation is a big part of the draw for him. Everything he wanted on a platter? Yea I bet, what’s not to like when he can behave like a bloody 21 year old stoner bit get all the benefits of a mature relationship plus potentially £££.

Don’t feel guilty! He will feel bad sure, but only for himself. Doesn’t give a shit about how you feel does he?

I worry sometimes my stable job and mortgage is a big part of his attraction to me.

Er... you think?!

You are not getting anything out of this relationship that I can see,

You are doing all of the giving. He is doing all of the taking.

You broke up before for the same reasons and nothing has changed. Now you are back together and already unhappy with the same issues.

@9millioncansofbeans

Thanks all. It’s always helpful to find out if if others would feel similar or if I am over thinking.

I feel guilty about it too. He took the first break up incredibly badly, was very hurt over it, couldn’t understand any of it and acted like I had destroyed his life. He said “you offered me everything I’ve ever wanted on a platter and then took it away” . I worry sometimes my stable job and mortgage is a big part of his attraction to me.

Er...

You are not his priority. At all. Weed, money for weed, and your mortgage are what he cares about.

The hills are thataway >>>>

He’s told me clearly weed is a culture and way of life for him

What does that even mean?

I’m assuming the mineral water thing is some kind of conspiracy theory- are the lizard people poisoning the tap water? But it sounds like the kind of thing a pop diva would put on their rider. Anyhoo, OP, this sounds crazy, and I know - I KNOW - you can do better than this guy. Please try.

He's a drug addict.

He stands a good chance of developing psychosis, and is likely to be subdued and inactive (boring) at best.

I have a number of friends who are long term smokers now hitting the 60 mark. Most have just done incredibly little with their lives. Some died. There isn't one I would be envious of.

So why did you get back together with him when you knew what he was like?

Personally for me any weed would be a dealbreaker but seriously, five joints a day? Come on, you knew he was an addict, if he’s going to quit the habit he has to do so altogether, but he’s not prepared to do that.

Get rid of him, you can’t control him, but you can control what you do about your attachment to him.