To want him to reduce his weed use?

[9millioncansofbeans]

I rekindled a relationship recently with a past love. He is a regularly canabis user - 4-5 joints a day. He told me initially he wanted weed to have less control over him so that if he didn’t have access to it for a few days he would be ok. So I assumed that meant he wanted to cut back. When I asked how I could support him to reduce his use he responded by saying he has no intention of ever stopping or reducing his use and he doesn’t need me making him feel guilty over it. I explained that if we are together long term then that level of use impacts me in terms of holidays, days out etc and I would personally feel much happier if he smoked less ie just morning and evening at least.
He’s not willing to. I feel like it’s me doing all the compromise. I’m worried about future holidays and he wants me to take his word for it that if we ever went on holiday to a country where he couldn’t get weed he would be ok with it.
I would have hoped he would say when he’s with me he won’t smoke during the day just morning and evening. And that he would go a weekend with me without smoking to show me if we went on holiday he could do it. But I’m just meant to believe him and asking him to compromise slightly on his use is unreasonable in his eyes. So now I’m confused about if I’m being unreasonable and controlling to even ask?

I don’t smoke at all btw and I don’t know anyone else who does.

[9millioncansofbeans]

Thank you! I feel very sad but this time I don’t feel any guilt and I know it’s the right thing to do. The moments of happiness we have together do not outweigh the negative moments.

[Totteridge]

Well done OP.

[Merryoldgoat]

Thank fuck for that OP.

[FrenchBoule]

YABU for rekindling. He’s relationship with weed is obviously more important for him than you

[LadyPrigsbottom]

I think you did the right thing op.

[9millioncansofbeans]

Thanks everyone. After a couple more mostly toxic interactions I started to really see how men me me he is. And how he does not respect my boundaries at all and if we stayed together I would need to be the responsible adult for both of us.
This morning he was in a bad mood and I feel like I spent 3 hours trying to cheer up a toddler.
I deserve so much more than that. So I have told him I don’t want anymore contact

[mencken]

over 3 billion men on the planet. Most of whom are not saddo druggies who support knife crime, cuckooing, gang violence and county lines.

This really isn't the best you can do.

[ABlackRussian]

You knew he smoked it when you rekindled. I don't understand why you think you should dictate.

For context, I could never date a guy who smoked it because of the issues mentioned in your post. Which is why I would avoid. Saves hassle.

Leave him to it. And move on.

[SockYarn]

Why are you with this conspiracy theory, weed smoking addict loser?

Really woman, you can do so much better for yourself.

[pooopypants]

I've been pondering over this and can't get past the mineral water thing.


He's happy to smoke all that weed but insists on his food being cooked with mineral water.


I'm baffled.

[RedPanda2]

He needs to get help for his addiction and spend the money on therapy. Only then will he be nearly ready for a relationship. OP i hope you realise you need to live your life and not be chained to a paranoid person who seems to think he needs to cook veg in Volvic but not seek help for his damaging behaviour

[Wither]

I cannot for the life of me work out why you’re with him.

Do you genuinely think this is the best you can do?

[AlternativePerspective]

So why did you get back together with him when you knew what he was like?

Personally for me any weed would be a dealbreaker but seriously, five joints a day? Come on, you knew he was an addict, if he’s going to quit the habit he has to do so altogether, but he’s not prepared to do that.

Get rid of him, you can’t control him, but you can control what you do about your attachment to him.

[Nandakanda]

He's a drug addict.

He stands a good chance of developing psychosis, and is likely to be subdued and inactive (boring) at best.

I have a number of friends who are long term smokers now hitting the 60 mark. Most have just done incredibly little with their lives. Some died. There isn't one I would be envious of.

[DramaDromedary]

I’m assuming the mineral water thing is some kind of conspiracy theory- are the lizard people poisoning the tap water? But it sounds like the kind of thing a pop diva would put on their rider. Anyhoo, OP, this sounds crazy, and I know - I KNOW - you can do better than this guy. Please try.

[ItsGoingTibiaK]

He’s told me clearly weed is a culture and way of life for him

What does that even mean?

[pooopypants]

You are not his priority. At all. Weed, money for weed, and your mortgage are what he cares about.


The hills are thataway >>>>

[PotholeParadise]

@9millioncansofbeans

Thanks all. It’s always helpful to find out if if others would feel similar or if I am over thinking.

I feel guilty about it too. He took the first break up incredibly badly, was very hurt over it, couldn’t understand any of it and acted like I had destroyed his life. He said “you offered me everything I’ve ever wanted on a platter and then took it away” . I worry sometimes my stable job and mortgage is a big part of his attraction to me.

Er...

[nancybotwinbloom]

You are not getting anything out of this relationship that I can see,

You are doing all of the giving. He is doing all of the taking.

You broke up before for the same reasons and nothing has changed. Now you are back together and already unhappy with the same issues.

[Merryoldgoat]

I worry sometimes my stable job and mortgage is a big part of his attraction to me.

Er... you think?!

[MaeDanvers]

Oh so he’s emotionally manipulative as well. Honestly this guy is horrible, and it is not just his weed use.

I think you’re spot on that your financial situation is a big part of the draw for him. Everything he wanted on a platter? Yea I bet, what’s not to like when he can behave like a bloody 21 year old stoner bit get all the benefits of a mature relationship plus potentially £££.

Don’t feel guilty! He will feel bad sure, but only for himself. Doesn’t give a shit about how you feel does he?

[WitchesGlove]

@Merryoldgoat

So why are you back together? Does he have a magic cock?

😂

[Colom]

Come on OP. Is this really what you want from your life? A boring waster drug addict whose life revolves around weed? Aim higher for godsake!

[EmperorCovidula]

Adults make these decisions themselves and have every right to. He’s clearly more into weed than he’s into you. If that isn’t what you’re looking for it’s time to move on.

[kazzer2867]

When I asked how I could support him to reduce his use he responded by saying he has no intention of ever stopping or reducing his use

So, he was quite clear at the beginning of your relationship that he wouldn't stop smoking weed. Honesty in a relationship is admirable, and he was nothing short of honest. You still decided to get into a relationship with him. Why get into a relationship and then expect him to change. You need to accept that what you see is what you get and not wish for the 'if only'.

Only you can decide if you can put up with his weed smoking, as he is not going to change anytime soon. I would worry more about your latest update: He said “you offered me everything I’ve ever wanted on a platter and then took it away” Sorry, that sounds like a red flag to me.