To want him to reduce his weed use?

[9millioncansofbeans]

I rekindled a relationship recently with a past love. He is a regularly canabis user - 4-5 joints a day. He told me initially he wanted weed to have less control over him so that if he didn’t have access to it for a few days he would be ok. So I assumed that meant he wanted to cut back. When I asked how I could support him to reduce his use he responded by saying he has no intention of ever stopping or reducing his use and he doesn’t need me making him feel guilty over it. I explained that if we are together long term then that level of use impacts me in terms of holidays, days out etc and I would personally feel much happier if he smoked less ie just morning and evening at least.
He’s not willing to. I feel like it’s me doing all the compromise. I’m worried about future holidays and he wants me to take his word for it that if we ever went on holiday to a country where he couldn’t get weed he would be ok with it.
I would have hoped he would say when he’s with me he won’t smoke during the day just morning and evening. And that he would go a weekend with me without smoking to show me if we went on holiday he could do it. But I’m just meant to believe him and asking him to compromise slightly on his use is unreasonable in his eyes. So now I’m confused about if I’m being unreasonable and controlling to even ask?

I don’t smoke at all btw and I don’t know anyone else who does.

Why? Just why? Do you really want your life to revolve around his addiction and he's grumpy and skint. Nope. You're better off alone mate

He only eats food that's cooked in mineral water.

OMFG I'm crying laughing the cheeky fucker. Your telling me that stoned fucker would get off his arse and walk the shop to get mineral water to cook veg or whatever in?

There are better men with bigger willies out there. Run.

Yes @nancybotwinbloom he would only drink mineral water and then when cooking veg or making tea/coffee/gravy it would have to be Mineral water too. It just became too stressful at that time of my life. Also awkward going to families for dinner etc turning up with a bottle of volvic

So why are you back together?

He's too high Maintenence even without the weed.

I could cope with someone who did it now and again, once a week even but he sounds addicted, too much like hard work and a bit of an awkward fucker to be honest.

Why would he not drink or cook with tap water?

Leave him. He has said he won't change. My DDs father is a serious pothead. No joke he smokes that much his brain is literally fried. He is as thick as 2 planks of wood. He no longer sees DD as I discovered he was taking her on deals, smoking it around her and trying to educate her into that its just a plant, it cures cancer bla bla bla. Yet Im the stupid c**t because I told my 11 year old at the time that the tooth fairy isn't real, I'm the spiteful bitch who won't let her be on social media at a young age 🙄 He can't hold a conversation he is that bad but like most potheads he claimed he wasn't addicted nor could it cause any damage to health..12 years on he has no money, never works and knows nothing about his only child..OP make a bid for freedom while you can

@merryoldgoat I thought weed was the route cause of all those issues and when he told me he wanted to become less dependent on it I assumed he meant reduce his use. We got back together and a few days later he said he has no intention of stopping

Bin him. I wasted 4 years on someone just like him, he flitted between saying he'd cut down which basically meant just lying about it then gaslighting me when he'd come home stoned to outright denial he had an issue. Our home stunk, he spent all his time at his mates smoking, he spent hundreds of pounds a month on it which stopped us from progressing together ie holidays, buying a home. People like that don't change, the denial is too strong and to be honest if he smokes first thing in the morning you can doubly forget him changing, that is an ingrained habit that he won't break without considerable willpower and resolve which he doesn't have. Don't waste your time. If you don't take drugs and none of your other friends or family do, why let someone else's drug use affect you?

Get rid. It'll be worse with children. Believe me, I'm living with it.

He won't keep his job, cook, clean or take care of the kids.

He won't be present in the relationship. Its not worth it.

Get rid of now. I had the same problem and most people I know that smoke weed wouldn’t give it up for anyone or anything unless They want to.

Has he started with the conspiracy theories yet?

I get it daily.

Hi OP my ex was the exact same. I used to smoke it most nights (too much of a lightweight now ) and personally don’t give a fuck about what people do as long as it doesn’t affect others. So this opinion is from experience only with no judgment.

So you mention holidays. For me it affected holidays greatly (more than anything else I’d say) which was a massive contributing factor in the overall demise of the relationship. If we were in say a European destination where it wasn’t legal but reasonably easily sourced, the first day was spent trying to source it. If not sourced it put a sour turn on the evening. He would be grumpy, charging about trying to find dealers, and just not in the moment. When it was found everything magically changed and was wonderful again. It was the wonderful parts that lasted longer so it was easy to forget that shitty first day(s).

When we went further afar where not so readily available, I felt he was always on edge a little and not really enjoying what was going on. Perhaps some is perception as I was always very aware of it not being available, but I don’t think fully in my head. When we arrived home it would be a couple of joints and the same chilled person that made me so happy was back again.

He brought a lot to my life - patience, meaningful conversations, what felt like real understanding of my problems - but looking back I wonder how much of that was the weed than him as a person.

If he’s waking up and smoking first thing that’s more than a relaxant now, it’s his way of life. We would (or I certainly would) be more concerned if they were waking up and cracking open a few cans for breakfast - but when you’re in it you’re so conditioned to see it as nothing more than an enhanced cig.

He is extremely unlikely to change. This is his lifestyle. If, for you, the good weighs out the bad, then that’s your decision to make and given more places are making it legal may not actually limit you so much.

But it is possible to have a partner with all the good parts of a stoner without the bad that come with it too.

[quote 9millioncansofbeans]@merryoldgoat I thought weed was the route cause of all those issues and when he told me he wanted to become less dependent on it I assumed he meant reduce his use. We got back together and a few days later he said he has no intention of stopping[/quote]
The next step is obvious, right?

Clue: it is not pleading with him.

Imagine how embarrassing it would be if you went on a nice holiday together and he had to start trying to find a dealer!

We (me, DD and "D"P) went on holiday in march. Felt like only me and DD were there as he spent the whole evening of the first night asking Norwegian thugs if he could buy weed. He didn't want to enjoy the city. Just find and smoke weed. Idiot even smoked in the hotel room and we ended up with a massive fine. I'd like to believe he's intelligent but fucking hell he acts like he's had his brain minced.

Don’t be stupid and waste more time on him. Just dump him, black him and remember not to get involved with a drug addict again.

@lemmathelemmin yes, conspiracy theories. And then annoyed that I don’t tell him he makes good points or bathe in his knowledge.
I love him so much and we are so close I Really thought if he reduced his weed it would be possible to be together but now he’s told me he has no intention and how dare I try to make him feel guilty about it I just wondered if I was being totally over the top about it.

@Backbackandforth thank you, I’m sorry to hear what you went through but it does help me to see the pattern weed creates.
He’s told me clearly weed is a culture and way of life for him it’s not just about smoking or about the relaxant

Why do you love him?

He’s angry
He smoked weed when in charge of his child
He’s work shy
He’s dismissive of you

How do those qualities combine to make someone loveable?

I think I’ve made a decision ... The good can still be really good but it doesn’t outweigh the bad. I think weed is the route cause of all the issues and if he was willing to reduce his use I would want to make it work but I feel like I’m just compromising on so much. It makes me sad that he won’t just even reduce his use when he sees me. He’s giving me a clear message there about what the love of his life is and it’s not me

Good choice.

If he gives it up and stays off it for months and months even through stressful times, then, maybe then, you could consider getting back with him.

Never get back with someone on the promise of a change. See the change first.

YABU to be with him if he’s a druggie
End of

You like the man he might be, not the man he is.

End this relationship. It's not based on reality.

My advice is similar to everyone else’s ....but with a bit of a twist. So he clearly has behaviors that you don’t like and from his perspective the same can probably be said about you - I’m sure his life would be so much easier if he was with someone that wasn’t (from his perspective) busting his balls about using weed. However, having said that, the fact that you seem so different but fell in love and have ended up back together once more despite these difference says that you clearly have a connection.

The issue as I see it is that despite lots of behavior you don’t like, you still don’t sound certain about what to do - “I think I’ve made a decision”. And when you are really connected with someone its so very hard to walk away. It’s really easy for Mumsnetters including me to tell you to LTB, but i think it takes total certainty to walk away permanently and not end up in the same situation and back together again another year or so down the line, with no hope of things working out. I get the impression that you are not quite there yet maybe.

Why don’t you give yourself a set amount of time, perhaps a couple of months, ask him to maybe think about what he would be willing to change on his terms in order to be with you, rather than suggesting terms to him (as he will see it) as this may get more buy in from him. In the mean time try to do all the stuff with him that you anticipate will be difficult such as days out or a short holiday etc. Take the time to completely satisfy yourself that it will never work between you and you may well save yourself time overall in the long run. You never know, he may surprise you and if another lockdown is possibly on the cards in a few months it may also be nice to have him around for the good times?

P.S. don’t give him any more money.

To be fair I know you think it is the weed, but he sounds really odd and intolerant in plenty of other ways as well. I honestly think you have pinned a bit of denial about who he really is on the weed usage. I doubt he'd be the man for you even if he gave up tomorrow.

The temper, conspiracy theories, weird choices about cooking and water and so on, this is who he is. Maybe the weed exacerbates these things, but I expect he'd still be into all that even if he was 'only' smoking in the morning and evening. Also - the guy is stoned 24/7 it seems and still has a temper on him.

And last of all - and it is a 'small' thing I guess in comparison but don't you think it is kind of funny (as well as ridiculous) that he had gripes about the way your makeup smells when he regularly smokes weed which is not exactly known for being a lovely smell?!

When you look at all those things, surely you can see he is not going to bring joy, stability and happiness to your life?

@9millioncansofbeans

Is your bar really so low, that you don't mind him smoking first thing? I mean really.

Taking aside all the addiction stuff (he is an addict) I cannot believe anyone would think that is a good compromise?

A few spliffs on a Friday / Saturday night [in lieu of a drink] wouldn't bother me. A man who has to have a smoke to function absolutely would bother me!

I rekindled a relationship recently with a past love. He is a regularly cannabis user - 4-5 joints a day

So, why did you rekindle the relationship with this loser?
I voted YABU because there is no future in this relationship if weed is more important to him than you are. Stop making excuses. Dump him. You are worth more than this.

He’s giving me a clear message there about what the love of his life is and it’s not me

Yep. So, dump him and work on your self esteem issues. Not having a boyfriend is better than having a waster like this loser.