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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this a pity invite?

30 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 24/06/2020 22:20

I caught up with a friend today ( I'm the one that got in touch to see if she wanted to get together). When we were saying goodbye, she said I was welcome to come around to hers on Saturday. I've completely lost track of days. She said she was having a get together for her birthday, and then listed all the friends who may pop round.
Normally she sends a big group message out.
This was the first I had heard of it.
That was a pity invite, wasn't it?

Yabu: nope not a pity invite
Yanbu: yes, totally a pity invite.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 24/06/2020 22:27

Do you want to go?

If it was a pity invite, would you still want to go?

abstractprojection · 24/06/2020 22:31

Go to the party, put a big smile on and steal her friends Grin

FizzyPink · 24/06/2020 22:35

I think it could be genuine. Given everything going on and how nice the weather has been it could well have been a last minute plan.
Normally we have a full diary months in advance but have only been suggesting get togetherness a few days ahead recently

BackforGood · 24/06/2020 22:47

Don't see the issue.
Someone has invited you to a 'do'.
If you want to go (comfortable with the social distancing etc), then go.
If you don't, then don't.
What does it matter what strangers on the internet decide to call it ?

I went to a wedding once that we were invited to the night before, when someone else phoned to say they could no longer come due to illness. (We had been invited to the evening, but not the day).
Obviously we were replacements - that was pretty clear even had the hosts not said - but I don't find that insulting or upsetting in any way. I thought 'can I get a babysitter?' and 'whoopie, how lovely'

If I'd thought it wouldn't be enjoyable, i'd have not gone, but the fact it was a late invite didn't come in to the decision making.

livefornaps · 24/06/2020 22:50

Frankly if you go through life framing things as "pity" or whatnot, you're setting yourself up to miss out on an awful lot.

Who cares? Just put on your glad rags and go. Unless you're going to mope about like pity-preoccupied ghoul the entire time, in which case, save everyone the misery

SisterAgatha · 24/06/2020 22:52

I initially thought pity but I think with the recent stuff going on, she maybe hasn’t sent a message in case lots of people bombard her with insults about lock down. She might have asked at the end after she’d gauged what kind of lock-downer you were?

Gulabjamoon · 24/06/2020 22:54

You need to change your thought process. Instead of:

'Friend only invited me to her birthday get together with 3 days' notice only after I called her'

To

'Friend is having a smaller birthday get together and I'm one of a few people she has invited'.

Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow · 24/06/2020 22:59

She could’ve easily just not mentioned it, so regardless of when she asked you, she’d like you to be there, go and enjoy it and don’t overthink this.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 24/06/2020 23:04

Hmm
That's me told then! Obviously just being too sensitive.
Thanks for setting me right
🙂

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 24/06/2020 23:06

I initially thought pity but I think with the recent stuff going on, she maybe hasn’t sent a message in case lots of people bombard her with insults about lock down. She might have asked at the end after she’d gauged what kind of lock-downer you were

I agree with this. Everyone is worried about being publicly shamed so she might have felt comfortable asking only after speaking to you.

Also everything is moving at a strange pace. Life is slow but time also flies if that makes sense...we are becoming used to plans not materialising and being changed at short notice. So it’s possible it’s just crept up on her while she considered if it would even happen and she’s only getting round to asking now

saraclara · 25/06/2020 00:04

Well she couldn't send a big group message out because we can only be in groups of six. So she's probably just asked people as and when they've been in touch with her. You got in touch with her after the others, so you got asked after them.

The reason for these things is almost always the simplest.

Scarby9 · 25/06/2020 00:12

Like @Backforgood, a friend and I were invited to a wedding reception very late. In our case, literally as we left the church after the service!

It was an open invitation to the service so we went along. Two relatives of the groom were no-shows, meals had been booked for them, the bride knew we wouldn't be offended at not making the original cut for the reception, and we had a great time
Slightly underdressed, but we felt lucky to be in the right place at the right time.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 25/06/2020 00:39

Thanks all...... normally she would create a group chat well in advance. It probably is just circumstances.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 25/06/2020 01:52

I wouldn't say pity invite but I would say an afterthought to be honest. There isn't any real way to deny she has arranged a 'get together' and spoken to various other friends and not you, and has mentioned it in passing because she saw you.

Not malicious at all I don't think but very possibly she just doesn't consider you as close in her social bubble as you do her. Equally the pandemic is not over so god knows why anyone is planning a get together with various households really. Let's hope none of these people mind if there are further lockdowns or if anyone they know becomes unwell.

Euclid · 25/06/2020 01:56

The word is invitation, not invite. Invite is a verb, eg shall I invite x to my party.

OzziePopPop · 25/06/2020 02:19

With things how they are at the moment with limited numbers allowed to meet in various places, could she have just had a drop out? While you may have Been a second tier invite you may well just be number 3 on the list for a family of four (allowed two visitors in England I think). Not sure where you are of course but it’s a thought?

OzziePopPop · 25/06/2020 02:21

P.S we’ve had no one over as I’m shielding so not 💯 on the rules 😊

UnicornW · 25/06/2020 03:03

Don't overthink it!! If you want to go - go. I don't think you were purposely excluded.

Msmcc1212 · 25/06/2020 03:59

Didn’t know a pity invite was a thing. Can’t sleep. Hormones sending me a bit loopy. Now looking back at any invites and screening for pity! Shock

1300cakes · 25/06/2020 04:21

I wouldn't say pity invite but I would say an afterthought to be honest.

Yep I'd also call it an afterthought rather than a pity invite. A pity invite would be if you found out about it somehow (not from her) and asked her, and she was embarrassed and said "oh ok I guess you can come...".

That isn't necessarily bad. For me it would depend on who the other people are that are coming. Are they a group of your close mutual friends? If yes, initially leaving you out seems a bit rude. If not, I don't see a problem.

Viragoesque · 25/06/2020 04:50

Does it matter either way?

Thingsdogetbetter · 25/06/2020 06:58

I think it's actually a 'I'd forgotten how much I liked Somethingkindaooo and enjoy spending time with her' invite. Which is actually a lovely thing.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 25/06/2020 09:36

@Euclid

The word is invitation, not invite. Invite is a verb, eg shall I invite x to my party.
Er, yes. I WAS using it as a verb. As in, referring to the ACT of her INVITING me.
OP posts:
Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 25/06/2020 09:38

@Thingsdogetbetter
Your way of looking at it is much nicer!

OP posts:
Fleamaker123 · 25/06/2020 09:43

I wouldn't see it as pity... She wouldn't have mentioned it if she didn't want you to go. Don't overthink.. go and enjoy!