Am i an embarrassment

[WellAmThatBad]

So here goes

I have been with DH 12 years. He has a DS . His DS is now 14 and a lovely boy. I have no DC.

I've recently had a birthday which sounds absolutely ridiculous i know but he was the one person who never wished me a happy birthday on FB never tagged me in a picture nothing. I didn't think anything of it to be honest but last week his DS turned 14 who is not on FB yet he put hundreds of pics of him on and wished him happy birthday said how much he loved him how proud he is ect.

Today is our wedding anniversary. Yet again no recognition at all.

We have bit of an age gap (14 years) he's older) when we met i was 9 stone size 8.
12 years later I'm now 12 stone. We get on great most of the time but i really feel a bit hurt and i feel like he's embarrassed of me.

I swear i am not a petty person at all but i feel strangely hurt. Would you?

It’s interesting that you have mentioned your appearance. There is more going on here. What’s your relationship like generally? And your self confidence?

What did he say when you asked him about it?

Did you do anything for him for your anniversary?

I tend to see a direct correlation between how bad a person’s relationship is and how soppy their Facebook posts are. It’s like they’re trying to prove to the world - and themselves - that everything is ok

Yup that is my experience too. I see couples posting to each other on FB and think it’s ridiculous when they live together and could actually you know- TALK to one another! Any couples who do this I always presume will split and they usually do. Think about it- why on earth would you post something on social media when you could tell the person how much they mean to you? It makes zero sense and is all about having an audience.

That issue aside I would be hurt he didn’t bother with at least a small acknowledgment gift and I’d be telling him that the lack of thought was hurtful.

I never wish happy birthday to DH or DS as I live with them. I do find it odd when people do that.

I should add that you shouldnt be comparing yourself to his DS,,,,however you should expect higher standard from your DH...i dont understand how anyone can be in a loving relationship and see it as normal not to get a gift or card for a birthday or anniversary and then say they werent bothered.. really is your bar set that low

Poor you. My partner is the same. It is sh*t. When you see how loving and thoughtful they can be towards their child (which is great obviously) it does make you wonder whether they feel anything for you if they don’t treat you even close to the same way. I understand exactly how you feel and we had an argument about this the other day.

The FB thing is a red herring, the point is OP's husband did not acknowledge her birthday or their wedding anniversary.
We can't tell why, but it's highly unlikely to do with your weight, OP.
Has he celebrated it with you in the past? Do you flag it up, ( although you shouldn't have to), does he know it upsets you that he ignores it? (I think he must know that).
You'll have to ask him. I would be very upset if my DH ignored my birthday, but we have a history of celebrating birthdays, so it would be a departure from normal practice if he were to ignore it.

Delete FB it will honestly make your life so much easier. I've never had and and this sort of thing would never cross my mind. I don't even know if I'm on dp's FB at all, and I really don't care if I'm honest.

I would forget about facebook, but I would be upset about nothing in real life. You should tell him how you feel, maybe he thinks you don't want anything? At least you dss got you something, that definitely means something from a 14 year old boy!

I always think people who live together who post birthday etc messageon FB are idiots, same with those who post messages on there to their children.

The issue you should actually be bothered about is the fact he ignored both occasions in RL. Surely he noticed his own teenage son bought you something whilst he did nothing?? And why on earth would you not discuss this with him!

We have bit of an age gap (14 years) he's older) when we met i was 9 stone size 8.12 years later I'm now 12 stone.

I find it strange that you summarize your relationship using your weight. What relevance does that have? You would be as deserving of love and appreciation if you were 22 stone.

Tell him you feel unappreciated, and that you want him to start making an effort. Or if you don't feel able to do that - treat him the same way. You may as well forget your anniversary date, and forget his birthday too. If he gets miffed about that, then he'll know how you feel.

I didn't get a birthday gift which never bothered me

Well it should have done. You sound like you have low self esteem. You should expect better for yourself. At least it's never too late to start...

This is nothing to do with facebook or your weight, and everything to do with him being lazy and inconsiderate. Do you feel comfortable raising this with him, or are there other things going on here?

My DH would never post a message to me on FB. But I don't mind because he shows me he cares in real life. He baked me a cake on my birthday, so not wishing me happy birthday on social media is irrelevant.

The issue here is that he didn't do anything for your birthday or anniversary. I dont blame you for being upset about that, as it is hurtful, but the social media stuff isn't what's most important.

I always do stuff for birthdays and anniversaries i always do meaningful stuff.

He usually gets me something without fail. I never ask for anything but i love a nice card.

Every year I've brought traditional anniversary presents (paper leather bronze ect) plus a new pair of golf shoes, trainers or similar.

I'd rather give than receive 100% and i am far from materialistic but i just feel really hurt.

It's not even about the FB posts it's just lack of thought.

Reading these replies is a wake up call i suppose i never wanted to hear 😩

Is it just this year that he hasnt got you something then? Interesting.... is he stressed out about something and forgot? If this is out of the usual for him, it might indicate he's distracted somehow. Not an excuse, but worth talking to him to find out what's behind it.

I tried to talk to him tonight I'm now sleeping on the sofa. I wasn't confrontational or anything just tried to explain i feel a bit hurt. He said he'd buy me new hair straighteners once hairdressers re-opens. I don't even need hair straighteners mine aren't even old he them stormed off slamming doors.

I do feel shit tonight and i think it's because he cemented on my weight hence the whole i think he's embarrassed of me. It's all just clicking into place.

Thank you all

He did not get you anything
For your birthday

I’m sorry that’s fucking awful

commented

I don’t think your weight has anything to do with this. I mean if it has he’s even more shallow and awful than I thought. But what are you getting out of this relationship?

He’s stormed off because he KNOWS he’s in the wrong. It’s what children do when they’ve been found out.

Oh course you feel hurt- his behaviour is hurtful

Please don’t think this is about your weight or being an embarrassment.
Either he has somehow forgotten that appreciation is still a part of a LTR or he is being a nasty arse and needs a kick up his.

It’s ok to express if you feel unloved or lonely in your marriage OP.
Tell him how hurt you are that he couldn’t be bothered to recognise your bday or anniversary and ask him why he thought you wouldn’t mind? Then tell him you do.

It’s ok to expect more
Love yourself first- fwiw you sound lovely and a fantastic step mum too.

I hope you have family and friends who build you up.

What was he like with his 1st wife? I only ask because he seems to be quite emotionally abusive to you and it is quite unusual for a 4 year old child to leave the mother to come and live with father and his partner.

Where is the mother now and how are your husband's relations with her?