To want to do our own thing long term.

[Kaj29]

I understand that most people are closer to their families and have missed them dearly during lockdown and it’s nice we can now see them (albeit whilst social distancing).

But here’s my story. I have a partner and two dc. Oh works long hours during the week and every weekend we were expected to travel to go visit the in laws and my family so they could see the children. They never came to us. Bearing in mind both dc have additional needs and our families aren’t elderly so are very able to travel themselves so they could come to us. Our whole weekends would consist of keeping everyone else happy and having little time to ourselves. It was getting emotionally and physically draining. Our families can be quite hard work for various reasons. We aren’t the average family. I would say my family is borderline toxic. If we didn’t visit we would be asked why we didn’t want to go over etc and being made to feel guilty. They both live within half an hour of our home isn’t far at all but travelling, visiting etc means we had no time to ourselves.

Lockdown has been an absolute relief. I understand it’s not this way for everyone but for us it’s been amazing. Oh has worked all the way through but we’ve spent more time than ever at home. Got some gardening & diy done. We live in the country and near the coast so we’ve spent some time as a family of 4 without worrying about keeping everyone happy. It’s been fantastic to be honest.

Obviously I’m not saying we aren’t going to visit family at all but aibu to cut it right down to perhaps once or twice a month?

Neither family are lonely. Oh’s parents have grown up children at home. My parents have two teenagers. Neither are elderly.

I just want to stay in our own little bubble for sometime longer. To enjoy the summer without pleasing everyone else first.

Aibu to feel like this?

Do it OP! Your DC won't be small forever, enjoy that wonderful time with your little family.

Great that DH is on board too, you need to mentally prepare for the attempted guilt tripping but don't cave. Calmly explain that you want time together as a family and (if you'd like that) the dates that they are welcome to visit you, repeat as needed. Then turn your phones off and have your lovely weekend together!

The main issue wasn’t/isn’t the families’ ‘expectations’ (wishes), it was/is OP and her H’s compliance.

Yes, absolutely this is ok. I think many people have been realising how busy they were with going to and fro, be it to family, kids activities, whatever.

@kaj29 charge the Telegraph for that interview, then the papers might stop coming here for stories

Wouldn’t offer for them to come to you instead, that may create a whole other problem.

We have this issue and have travelled once a month for the whole weekend for the last 20 years. Both sets of parents in the same town 2 hours a way. I find that way too much and in the last year or so we've been doing it far less. Guilt trips galore but we have been ignoring and doing what we want. Neither set of parents ever visit us despite being invited, asked, begged to come. It is always us that travel. Lockdown had been fab and we will not be going back to our old ways.

Nope sorry @ClaireTelegraph! 😀

Honestly I do think the virus staying low will depend on people like you taking it very slowly. The UK is in no way equipped to ease out so quickly and it does not have an effective testing, track and trace programme. You are doing society a favour. I’m taking it slowly too. I have a close relation who is shielding and will most likely die if she gets covid19, so none of us are pushing to ‘take her down the pub’ in a month or whatever. It is too serious.

Just say no. My family lives abroad, so thank god that means I don't see them more than 3 times a year at most. It could be a lot less frankly. Dh's family live an hour away and we similarly see them maybe 3-4 times a year. That is more than enough. I like to sit down on the weekends.

It's a perfect time to set boundaries. If I were you I'd set even stricter boundaries than necessary - then you'll look nice in the future when you relax it! Decide what you're comfortable with.

Maybe something like "Now social distancing is being relaxed I thought you might like to come up and have a walk on the beach for an hour?" And don't agree to getting the old schedule going again, be vague and say things like "We'll see how it goes, we still need to be careful".

Thanks all. Glad to know that I’m not being horrid thinking like this. I feel guilty if we don’t visit but oh doesn’t. He is better at saying no than me but goes with the flow... he will be grateful to have more time at home.

We could visit in the week but generally (when kids aren’t off school because of covid). There isn’t a great deal of time to do so. Oh’s shifts wouldn’t allow this too often either. I do travel somewhat with the kids on my own but it can be hard work with both of them on my own! They can either be angels or complete nightmares. No in between 🤣

I am not sure why you feel guilty for not visiting his parents or your own. Your OH isnt bothered and has told you he is tired of travelling as he works so hard and wants a break. Focus on your DH and stop prioritising both sets of parents who have chosen to not bother visiting you. They are very selfish

I don't like anybody enough to see them that often and miss out on time with my own family ...let alone people I don't like that much!

Time to re-establish those boundaries!

Decide in your own mind what is reasonable - maybe seeing either side once per month, so you have 2 weekends at home, and 2 weekends when you visit - and stick to that. If they ask when you're visiting next, tell them. If they moan, tell them they're welcome to come and visit you one of the free weekends.

If they press the point and try to make you feel guilty about not visiting as much, then say - as reasonably as possible - that the whole lockdown has made you realise how stressful life was becoming, and it's been a great chance to enjoy being at home a bit more so whilst you would be more than happy to see them more frequently, they'll need to do half the travelling. (There's no risk they will, so you can say it safe in the knowledge you won't need to follow through on hosting them!!)

Try thinking differently about it. Stop feeling guilty if you don't go, and start feeling indignant that they are so demanding of your time.

I would just say that through Lockdown although you have missed them all ,its given you time to realise you need to spend time alone as a family at home or out for a family day out. They will probably protest TBH but just stick to your guns ,and say you will look forward to seeing them each month . You have your own family now to think of!

Roads work both ways.

Maybe invite them down for a day in a couple of weeks?

If they say, "oh that doesn't work!"

Just smile sweetly and say, "Oh, what a shame! Well let us know when you're free to come!"

This is your life. So much better to spending it the way that makes you happy.

Is there a button for “not only are you NBU, but you are so far from U that it needs a new scale of measurement”?? Seize the joy of your family and do what works. Don’t let duty be the thief of that, especially as others are not prepared to extend the same to you. People that never travel to you really irritate me especially if they cloak it in a layer of “let me be the host and do the hard work” when we all know the visit will be far from a relaxing break for us. I have a relative who is always “why don’t you come over here” - even for my 30th birthday she said “why don’t we host a party for you here” when I planned something in my new flat in London that I was extremely proud of.

Just out of interest - when you were kids, what was the ratio of toy/dh going to visit GPS vs them visiting you? Guessing that it wasn’t always you visiting them (assuming they were able to drive/get to you)...

Once you’ve managed to drag lockdown out for as long as you can, invite them to you for another couple of weeks hence and if they start to say about you going to them, channel your best strict Mary poppins voice and say don’t be ridiculous. We have been to your house at a weekend eleventy bazillion times and you’ve never been here. It’s hardly fair and I remember when we were little it was lovely to see gp at our own home rather than travelling to them. This will be much better all round. It’s now our turn to host you. I’ve told the dc and they’re very excited. So from here on in - you need to come to us as well as us visiting you.

And then every time they say come to us instead, stick your ground and say no, we’re not coming to you until you’ve been here, it’s not right that you’ve never been to us. Be brave and hold out for them to come to you - getting them to break that first time is the key because once they’ve done it once, they can’t argue about doing it again and the habit has been broken.
And if they they say that by not going you’re depriving them, no, you’re not, this is their choice not to come.

Would you ever be able to get away with hosting both sets of GP at the same time sometimes? Doing both together would lessen the time you needed to spend with them even further...