To want to do our own thing long term.

[Kaj29]

I understand that most people are closer to their families and have missed them dearly during lockdown and it’s nice we can now see them (albeit whilst social distancing).

But here’s my story. I have a partner and two dc. Oh works long hours during the week and every weekend we were expected to travel to go visit the in laws and my family so they could see the children. They never came to us. Bearing in mind both dc have additional needs and our families aren’t elderly so are very able to travel themselves so they could come to us. Our whole weekends would consist of keeping everyone else happy and having little time to ourselves. It was getting emotionally and physically draining. Our families can be quite hard work for various reasons. We aren’t the average family. I would say my family is borderline toxic. If we didn’t visit we would be asked why we didn’t want to go over etc and being made to feel guilty. They both live within half an hour of our home isn’t far at all but travelling, visiting etc means we had no time to ourselves.

Lockdown has been an absolute relief. I understand it’s not this way for everyone but for us it’s been amazing. Oh has worked all the way through but we’ve spent more time than ever at home. Got some gardening & diy done. We live in the country and near the coast so we’ve spent some time as a family of 4 without worrying about keeping everyone happy. It’s been fantastic to be honest.

Obviously I’m not saying we aren’t going to visit family at all but aibu to cut it right down to perhaps once or twice a month?

Neither family are lonely. Oh’s parents have grown up children at home. My parents have two teenagers. Neither are elderly.

I just want to stay in our own little bubble for sometime longer. To enjoy the summer without pleasing everyone else first.

Aibu to feel like this?

I’ve been exactly the same, I haven’t missed anyone really. We’ve still had FaceTime nearly everyday with my mum and husbands mum never bothered before lockdown so 🤷🏼‍♀️ My mum is desperate to hug us all but I’m not really arsed about that either. Seriously just look after you and your family, as long as they’re happy (and it sounds like you are) then nothing else matters xx

I feel similar op. We have always visited grandparents every weekend and as the children get older they need time of their own on the weekends although they love going to Grandma's house . What I had started to do, even before lockdown was leave it optional, if they wanted to go they'd go with their dad who hated making excuses for me not visiting but I just didn't want to be always cutting my weekend days short. And even to my own parents I left them with a choice, come if you like, stay home with dad if you don't.
Both sets of grandparents always questioned why they didn't want to come but you can't force them so I just brushed it off.
My parents pop in if they're missing my children, my in-laws never do, never call, never ask after kids but expect us all there every Saturday without fail.

Yes definately. My brother moved away several years ago. They came up every week to visit family friends for about a year. They must have been shattered. You have got to make a life for yourself where you live.
We do visit. Not very often but isnt that life i dont see my family every weekend and they live close by

How on earth have you managed to do that for as long as you have?!
No way on gods earth would I ever do that.
It has already taken up too much of your life.

Once a month is fine.

CoVid has been a reset button for lots of people in different ways. I suggest you tell them directly that you are planning to come once a month from now on and it would be good if every other month they could come to you. You will need to be strong, but once it is done you will be liberated.

I should say we live within walking distance of both sets and although my mother in law goes everywhere else (pre covid), the excuse for us is always that as she had a kidney transplant 9 yrs ago so she doesn't go out🤔

I would, say, only have one weekend every other month, and alternate the families. That way you get around 7 weeks at home doing your thing and 1 weekend away out of 8.

TBH - seeing it written down it's too much. Visit one family each quarter and alternate that so you visit each lot twice a year?

Why even tie yourself to once a month? Just see how it goes and if you have a free weekend arrange to see them. I have not seen my family since lockdown and quite like being at home. I will see them when allowed, but we don’t live in each other’s pockets. Inlaws haven’t bothered with us since Dec 2018 so not expecting a visit from them!

YANBU at all. Can you have some stock phrases to use when they ask ‘why aren’t you here’?

‘Oh, we’re just doing our own thing this weekend thanks’
‘Totally wrung out from this week - just chilling here and we’ll see you next week/next month/whatever’
‘Not this weekend thanks - let’s plan for xxx

You don’t need any of those reasons!

Each weekend, decide what you want to do.

I would also suggest making no firm commitments at all about the frequency of visits. When you feel like it (or feel too much time has passed since last visit) just ring and ask if it would be convenient to visit that weekend.

It sounds like your parents are relatively young and fit with a good support network around them so you aren’t responsible for them in any way. You are responsible for giving your DC a happy childhood and good memories. If staying at home as a foursome more often means you can achieve that then you owe it to them to do it. That’s the only reason you need. You and your husband are also entitled to make your own habits and traditions as a couple and a family.

Just tell your family straight - we’ve found it’s much better for us as a family to spend weekends at home so will only be visiting on the occasional weekend from now on. Let them kick off if they want. Turn your phones off and let them crack on.

My parents and MIL would want us every week too. I deliberately cut down visits otherwise we have zero family time, can't get any jobs done and I'd be constantly stressed out trying to fit everything in. Plus I don't want to travel all that way and spend weekends in someone else's house!

Take the opportunity to realign their expections. Once a month for a visit max, you don't always have to turn up - why doesn't DH with the kids to his parents if you are busy sometimes. If they don't set a date and come to yours then don't arrange one back until "their visit" is done. I will deliberately have stuff to do just to get them accepting of the idea that I'll turn up when I want to and not all the time.

Nobody can make you feel guilty. Talk to your DP about how you want to live your lives and be united and confident in those choices.

If you both feel that family should come to you at times, say that and if they don't agree that's their loss because of their choice not you.

If there are times you don't want to see any of them, tell them you're busy with plans. they don't have to know what your plans are unless you choose to tell them.

I couldn’t agree more with @Ellisandra:

All the extra info about distance, other people, age... you have a little way to go to accept that you don’t need to find excuses for this!

Ring up your mum and get DP to do the same with his and say you’d like to visit for specific dates. Say you can’t commit to travel every weekend. Why? You don’t want to. You need weekend time alone sometimes. That’s it.

And then stick to it.

You must have been a saint to have put up with going along with those 'family requirements' for so long!

Once a month, tops. So alternate months for each family, if you must, and that should be the absolute upper limit. The DC won't be changing that much in a couple of months that they 'need' to see them. If they miss them that much, then they can come to you.

I tnink it would be a big jump to go from weekly to monthly. I would go for fortnightly with you alternating on whether you visit them or they visit you.

Don't just start doing it and wait for the fallout. I would be grown up about it and explain it to them, exactly as you have on here. You are being perfectly reasonable.

I think it is just something some families don't think about. The home you lived in with your family before you married/ moved in with a partner becomes a hub and, at some point, that might need to change. When you have siblings still living there, I think parents just think it is easier for you to go there to see them all.

Maybe if they visited you they could help you out with mowing lawns etc so you do it as a family?

I feel completely the same, op. Our families are nice people generally and we get on well, but both DH and I have loved having our weekends together without that pressure.

If it were me I would make it a quarterly thing. It sounds like they aren’t particularly nice. But then I am very good at saying no and doing what suits my own family (as in DH and children).

In the kindest way possible, toughen up, put your own lovely family first and do not feel guilty. You are a grown woman. Practise the phrases other people have posted up thread. Do it!

It's time to have a chat and make some changes.

They should come to you.... it seems very one sided. There could be a more balanced solution.

"TBH - seeing it written down it's too much. Visit one family each quarter and alternate that so you visit each lot twice a year?"
Bloody hell, changing from 52 times per year to 2? I must have missed the bit where the OP said they want to go very low contact!

They are only 1/2 hour away from each other.

I would say a few times a year rather than monthly: GP bdays, sometime around Christmas and another time at Easter.

They have a phone, they can ring. They have access to transport, they can travel if they wish.

it's too much travelling and assuming the children want to be able to chill at home etc etc.
There is nothing about cutting anyone off and if the DGPs are so keen to see their DCs they can also travel, no?

Once a month is plenty, that goes both ways, you go to them and then they come to you, if they don't then that is fine you will see them in a month's time.

Write out what you want to say, and stick to that sentence. "That doesn't work for me" is a great one, you are an adult, you are not answerable to your parents.

Write a list of why it is important to keep your weekends for yourselves.

We live 1 hour from both sets of parents, they handily lived in the same town. We saw them every 5-6 weeks when we had very young children. Weekends were about recovering from the week! But my Mum came over here one day during the week once she retired.

It's your life, you don't have to do anything you don't want! I would not be giving up my weekends to spend with others every time either.

How long did you do spend on your visits OP?

YABVU to give in to them and teach your children that everyone else's happiness matters more than yours or theirs!

Visit when YOU want to for as long as YOU'D like. If they want to visit you more, then you can graciously receive them, but if they turn on the emotional blackmail, either at theirs or at yours, then just sweetly tell them you're sorry they're not happy to see you, and maybe we'll have a better time when we see you next - and LEAVE (or chuck them out!).

I know it sucks. I'm a massive people pleaser myself. But what I've learned is i have to be the model for how my daughter expects to be treated. If I go around bending over backwards for everyone to ease my own oversensitised conscience, that's what she'll learn to do, and it would break my heart.

It's happened before when I've picked up that she's adopting some of my least helpful, most self-destructive behaviours and mannerisms (talking myself down for example), and it's given me the jolt I need to remember she'll do as I do, not as I tell her she should do. So if I want her to have all the self-belief and confidence I lack, I have to fake it so she can make it!

Good luck standing your ground - it's very hard but the long term benefits will be worth it! x