To want to do our own thing long term.

[Kaj29]

I understand that most people are closer to their families and have missed them dearly during lockdown and it’s nice we can now see them (albeit whilst social distancing).

But here’s my story. I have a partner and two dc. Oh works long hours during the week and every weekend we were expected to travel to go visit the in laws and my family so they could see the children. They never came to us. Bearing in mind both dc have additional needs and our families aren’t elderly so are very able to travel themselves so they could come to us. Our whole weekends would consist of keeping everyone else happy and having little time to ourselves. It was getting emotionally and physically draining. Our families can be quite hard work for various reasons. We aren’t the average family. I would say my family is borderline toxic. If we didn’t visit we would be asked why we didn’t want to go over etc and being made to feel guilty. They both live within half an hour of our home isn’t far at all but travelling, visiting etc means we had no time to ourselves.

Lockdown has been an absolute relief. I understand it’s not this way for everyone but for us it’s been amazing. Oh has worked all the way through but we’ve spent more time than ever at home. Got some gardening & diy done. We live in the country and near the coast so we’ve spent some time as a family of 4 without worrying about keeping everyone happy. It’s been fantastic to be honest.

Obviously I’m not saying we aren’t going to visit family at all but aibu to cut it right down to perhaps once or twice a month?

Neither family are lonely. Oh’s parents have grown up children at home. My parents have two teenagers. Neither are elderly.

I just want to stay in our own little bubble for sometime longer. To enjoy the summer without pleasing everyone else first.

Aibu to feel like this?

Don't even think about what others wan't you to do. Make all your own family plans, and don't get sidelined by other bothersome family members.

When your Mum complains the perfect response is "you know where we live, you're welcome to come to us "

Also when DH is at work you can have a later big breakfast and snacks. Prepare something for dinner when you get back.

They are only half an hour a way!

I literally could not stab that YANBU button fast enough. You've been dancing to their tune forever OP. Time to find your own rhythm of life. The fact that they refuse to make the effort to visit you tells all - they do not remotely care for your well being, they just want you to perform family for them. I'd go to once every six weeks maximum in these circumstances. No arguments or pleading - we're busy, we're staying home, we're not available, la la la.

THIS!

I'm going to guess at how this started for you, Kaj29. You had the first DC and it was a lovely, happy, novelty of a time, so you were fine taking the DC1 to visit the inlaws. Then, after a while, it had become the law and you couldn't find a way to break it.

Just when you might have, along came DC2 and the caravan rolled onwards - because it would've seemed a bit "strange" not to keep on doing it when the second baby came along...

Amirite?

Good grief!

I thought when you said you had to travel to them they lived 2-3 hours away!

30 minutes ? That's not 'travelling' it's popping over!
Where I live, it can take that long to get to the supermarket what with traffic and it's a normal school run distance for some parents.

Just tell them you want to get on with things at home or are going out for the day and they can't expect to s ee you every weekend.

My family lived 5 hrs drive away when DCs were small and saw us about three times a year as part of school hols.

Your parents are too needy.

My parents are amazing, they live 20 minutes down the road, I do see them about once a month, but often while kids are at school. I would NOT be giving up every weekend for them. And they often come her, and that is when they are babysitting too.

One weekend per month, one family on Saturday, one on Sunday. Arrange the time so you get morning at home then a visit, or vice verse.

Month 1 -Invite Family A one weekend -if they accept great
Month 2- Invite Family B one weekend -if they accept great
Month 3 -Go to Family A one weekend if they want
Month 4 -Go to Family B one weekend if they want

My parents once said their reason for 'not coming here' one month was it was too far & they were eldery-the next week they then drove down and through Spain and Italy which clearly wasn't too far. You need to stand up for it and say -no for x years we have been coming to yours each week -so now we are doing this.

So nope you aren't unreasonable

I could have written this post. I have a very dear but extremely needy elderly father, now widowed. He more or less expected my DD and I to visit him (in a city nearly 100 miles away) every other weekend as a matter of course. Was very unwilling to return the favour.

He is disabled so it is more difficult for him, and I accept that the onus is largely on me, but I grew to resent the endless pressure that I would drop everything several times a month to make a long and gruelling journey to visit him, effectively depriving me and my DD of our precious weekends.

I miss him, of course, and I worry about him. But I can already anticipate the pressure from when its safe to see him again and I'm anticipating having to hold quite fast to my boundaries.

Don't even commit to once a month.

Don't commit to anything.

In laws will cook for us my mum won’t. She’s a terrible host. We end up leaving starving and hangry

This is awful.
So, time your visit, go after lunch, have a cup of tea with mum (if she doesn't offer, just say - alright if I put the kettle on mum I'm parched?
Take a cake or snack, and again say it - kids need some food mum, so I brought a snack.
Leave at 4 pm so there is time for food when you get home.

Love the idea of going after dh saturday morning work, so that youhave a whole free saturday when he isn't working.

Hi just do what you can. The more I did the more was expected too.. same friends always me driving there so I cut back last year and same line must catch up soon

They have been unreasonably demanding of your time for years. Now is the time to take a stand.

And don't let them make you feel guilty about it!

We were in that trap of feeling that we needed to regularly visit family and it was only with my 2nd daughter (many years after my first) that I vowed to change things.

At first my easy going but people pleaser husband felt guilty about having to turn down 'invites' to travel 3 hours away but I said to him to just blame it on us needing a rest (we both work full time). We didn't mention that we needed time on our own as a family as I think that would have hurt them ie GPs do see themselves as family.

But what really changed it for us was making sure we regularly invited them to us. Amazing how that suddenly put a different spin on things! Realise that may not work so well for you as you all live closer, but as long as you don't invite them too often, that might still work in your favour.

People without kids sometimes don't realise what a sheer faff it is to get out of the house as a group, if only the rounding up of everyone and their things. It's also the case that quiet family time really is so valuable for helping everyone feel settled and calm, and not on ceremony.

I think the main thing is to try to make sure the visits are evenly weighted between families so there's no sour grapes about you favouring one set of GPs over the over.

YANBU. As difficult as it can be, sometimes you just need to get over that awkwardness and say no! You are literally setting yourself on fire to keep these people warm. Stop.

Maybe you could have one weekend a month for them; the Saturday at your family, the Sunday at his. That way, you have the remaining 3 weekends a month for yourselves.

You may have to be very firm though if they are pushy. Talk about it with your partner, make sure you are on the same page with the same end goal; to visit once a month. And don't show any weakness or they will play on it.

Good grief. Just don't start again after lockdown. If they ask why you don't want to visit them, turn it on its head and ask why they don't visit you. If it's too much travelling, or a faff, you might tell them you agree...

YANBU, especially given DC have additional needs if this has made logistics harder. Inconceivable for a loving family that have transport to have put you and DC to the trouble. If you don't like saying no then (and I know it's awful) could you say how much better your DC have managed and you'll need to carry on with the changed arrangements for their best development and support. I know it's awful to use them as the reason but if the alternative is falling back into the previous arrangements...

YANBU. You need to build some skills on how to deal with toxic families. First, most important is train yourself to ditch the guilt. If you don't feel any, they cease to have negative power over you.

If they ask why you don't come, either tell them the incontrovertible truth: 'It's just exhausting every weekend making the journey. We've realised we need some weekends at home as a family.'

Use ploys like reminding them that they didn't travel every weekend to their parents, or brightly say, 'You can come to us.' Though you don't want to make that a weekly occurrence. Hosting toxic people can be just as taxing as they love overstaying their welcome and watching you squirm.

You need to be very forthright and utterly unapologetic. They may then sulk, bitch about you, 'worry' about you, throw tantrums. I recommend writing an emotional bingo card and just ticking off the tactics. It helps you distance yourself and turns it into an almost fun game.

Tell them DC have become calmer and like being at home more so you're going to keep it that way.

If you find it difficult to tell parents and PILs these things get OH to tell them.

They can only strop for so long, whereas you will be free forever

OP, for your own sanity you and your DH need to put your big pants on and politely but very firmly say 'we will visit you (once a month/whatever you feel comfortable with) but if you want to see us anymore than that you need to visit us.' And leave it at that.

Put yourselves and your children first. Give yourself a break. There is no obligation to visit anyone, regardless of whether you're related or not. The sooner you realise this the sooner you will visit because you WANT to, not because you feel like you HAVE to.

Good luck.

Lockdown has broken the chain... don't forge another one for yourself.
Dont let others command your time with the threat of guilt tripping or anger. What's the worst that can happen? They sulk, they refuse to speak to you? How is that worse than what they've had you doing up to this point?
In any case, your children will soon want weekend play dates, birthday parties and joining sports clubs, and will have weekend homework to work on, that can't happen if you go back to the old ways.
I'm not saying never see them, but you decide what works for you. As PPs have said, the Calendar is your friend.

Your very first time of meeting up after lockdown should be them coming to you.

Don't get wheedled into going to them first. They'll hear what you do, not what you say, and just assume it's business as usual– making the change even harder.

YANBU, but you and DH were BU to prioritise extended families’ wishes over your own. You could have set ‘boundaries’ at any time, and still could once visits to others’ homes resumes.

YA so NBU!

How families expect this kind of weekly visiting nonsense I have no idea. Do they not have weekend lives and activities of their own to keep them occupied? Even if we wanted to go and see my parents and in-laws once a week they would be far too busy with their own plans, friends, activities etc to accommodate it! Both sets love their grandchildren but once a week is far too much.

There is something very wrong with a parent of adult DC who demands this kind of “performance visit” from grandchildren every seven days.

Use this as an opportunity OP-you could say (as it’s perfectly true) that you hadn’t realised what a negative effect all this weekly travelling was having on DC, and on you as a family, until lockdown forced a change. Once a month is fine. Set your new boundaries now, be friendly but firm.

When restrictions are fully relaxed, start afresh. See them maybe once a month or every three weeks. Tell them you really need time to yourselves,; explain you find the journey gruelling and that it would be kind of them to visit you sometimes. If they are reasonable, they will understand and oblige.

It's quite normal to want to spend weekends at home with your children and as the children get older, they will want to see friends and go out.

Start from now as you mean to go on.

Visit them for tea one day in week for tea. Leaves weekends free