To want to do our own thing long term.

[Kaj29]

I understand that most people are closer to their families and have missed them dearly during lockdown and it’s nice we can now see them (albeit whilst social distancing).

But here’s my story. I have a partner and two dc. Oh works long hours during the week and every weekend we were expected to travel to go visit the in laws and my family so they could see the children. They never came to us. Bearing in mind both dc have additional needs and our families aren’t elderly so are very able to travel themselves so they could come to us. Our whole weekends would consist of keeping everyone else happy and having little time to ourselves. It was getting emotionally and physically draining. Our families can be quite hard work for various reasons. We aren’t the average family. I would say my family is borderline toxic. If we didn’t visit we would be asked why we didn’t want to go over etc and being made to feel guilty. They both live within half an hour of our home isn’t far at all but travelling, visiting etc means we had no time to ourselves.

Lockdown has been an absolute relief. I understand it’s not this way for everyone but for us it’s been amazing. Oh has worked all the way through but we’ve spent more time than ever at home. Got some gardening & diy done. We live in the country and near the coast so we’ve spent some time as a family of 4 without worrying about keeping everyone happy. It’s been fantastic to be honest.

Obviously I’m not saying we aren’t going to visit family at all but aibu to cut it right down to perhaps once or twice a month?

Neither family are lonely. Oh’s parents have grown up children at home. My parents have two teenagers. Neither are elderly.

I just want to stay in our own little bubble for sometime longer. To enjoy the summer without pleasing everyone else first.

Aibu to feel like this?

Yes you are being unreasonable

Why? To even see “borderline toxic” family twice a month and expose yourself and children to that experience.

At the moment the results stand at 100% YANBU.

Tells you everything you need to know. Don't let either family dictate your family time.

I’d cut it down to once or twice a year, not once or twice a month.

Thanks again all. I’m not sure I made it clear in my original post but we don’t stay there. We travel the for the day and back. Usually one on a Saturday and the other on a Sunday which leaves us no time. Sometimes both in one day which does mean that we get one day free but I find even if we have one day it’s still not enough time for us as a family.. OH also has to work Saturday mornings twice a month. Getting two children out the door is hard. By the time we get there and back again. Often stop for a small shop etc. In laws will cook for us my mum won’t. She’s a terrible host. We end up leaving starving and hangry 🤣 Families exhaust me too. I find a day with the family, I get home and can barely keep myself awake as I’m emotionally drained. They are quite hard work - I won’t get into that.

@LabradorGalore

Not me

Deffo not BU. If you stop with the visiting and they are bothered about seeing you and your kids then they will make the effort - if not it's there loss.

Be around people who make you happy. Good luck.

Go for it OP. You do what works for you! Once every 6 weeks visit is fine IMO. They can do Zoom or video calling in between if they are that desperate.

Wow, that doesn't sound nice and I feel sorry for your husband if he is having to work every other Sat then rush out to do the weekly visits - when does he get some down time on those days? No, I just wouldn't do it, I'd need variation I couldn't stick to the same thing every weekend and I wouldn't stand for anyone making me feel guilty about it. You're not a child anymore, stand up to your parents!

I too love the no pressure of having to visit .or go where we really can’t be bothered going but are expected! Dh’s Family are already talking about a huge get together once this is all over and I’m like meh.... and dh would go to keep every one happy but has enjoyed the time to ourselves.

Maybe it’s time to move miles from everyone and then there is no pressure! 😂😂

Read up on Toxic families and toxic in laws also FOG.

YY to this recommendation. Both game-changing books by Susan Forward: I suspect you'll instantly recognise the category she desribes as the 'engulfers'.

Lockdown has broken a highly destructive precedent. The key now is not only avoiding to continue that precedent, but not setting new ones which could impose more restrictions, albeit lesser ones. Once a month on specific dates: no. Keep it sporadic, irregular, and not set in stone.

There's a wonderful opportunity once lockdown ends for putting into your weekend diary all the many things you've been prevented from doing with the children, or to give them the opportunity to see their own friends. Children need those peer friendships. This should keep the momentum going for a while.

Forward is also brilliant on the art of non-defensive communication and the art of the grey rock. Thoroughly recommend her.

Your mother won't cook???

Have you not turned up with a picnic and eaten it in front of her or just said that if you want us to stay longer than hour you need to feed the kids because they are hungry?

Why do you stay so long?

YANBU at all. Now is the time to change things. If you don't want to make it too little, offer to visit once a month, and offer them the fortnight inbetween. If they don't want to travel, tough.

I also can't believe that your Mum won't even host you properly. This whole situation must have been exhausting for you, your DH and the DC.

I'm feeling very similar about my drama club commitments. Before lockdown I was out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday evenings, every other Sunday and then if an event was on (usually once a month) all weekend. It became a chore and I've decided to cut it in half if not less when things go back to normal.

I used to be a student and now spend more time teaching the class, completely voluntary and I don't make any money out of it. People began to rely on me too much. One week I had a cold and two classes were cancelled and I got all manner of shit from people. It's a conversation I'm scared to have but I'm not doubt that anymore

I'm not doing that anymore

Sorry guys, sweaty hands and autocorrect!

every weekend we were expected to travel to go visit the in laws and my family

utterly ridiculous and unreasonable, sorry!
Use the lockdown to keep what you starting, you'd be mad not to.

Our weekends are very busy normally: we visit friends, have friends staying over, my kids have sport, activities, parties (so many parties..)
It would be very unfair on everybody, but specially the kids, if we forced them to decline everything to ensure they visit family every weekend.

Do not feel bad for a second! Your own little family comes first.
Obviously don't abandon your parents and IL, but there's a happy medium...

Was shocked to see 100%, i was worried it was just you and me OP. Very glad most feel the same. I love DH dearly and we’ve been together all through lockdown and have, mostly, got on.
DD is in London and I’m looking forward to seeing her when I can and she me. But we have talked every day on the phone and aren’t huggy people.
The presumption that all older people need to be hugged and nurtured endlessly is irritating to me. I’m not that old, but I’ve always liked my own company.
We visit family quite a way away usually too and tbh I would be perfectly happy sending emails, talking on the phone and seeing each other now and again. It’s definitely the way forward!!

Go visit both lots on the same day. Once every 6 weeks or so.

Only invite them to yours if you’re confident you can make them leave after a couple of hours and if you know they won’t start turning up uninvited. Traveling to them is a hassle but at least you’re in control.

If they keep complaining that you’re not visiting, I find “because we don’t want to” works beautifully, They can’t argue with that, and if they decide to sulk that gives you a few months off ...

Blimey, just read that your mum won’t feed you. Take snacks and only stay for an hour?

Seriously though, what are you all getting out of the relationship? There’s no law that says you have to visit just cos you’re related.

This is the perfect opportunity to change your lives for the better going forward, please take it!

Wow, nearly 450 votes and 100% of them are YANBU! I don't think I've ever seen that before!

Jesus.

As if you have to ask! Enjoy your freedom and make sure it lasts!

Yes, you definitely need to change this. It's a ridiculous expectation from your parents and in laws. They should also be making an effort to visit you.
This weekly visiting has had to stop because of lockdown. There is no way it should ever start up again. Make it very clear that it won't be a weekly visit any more. The first time you visit them after lockdown tell them they are welcome to come and visit you next month. If they question it just keep saying weekly visits don't work for us etcetc.

Children need to be in their own homes at the weekends sometimes so they can enjoy their free time doing whatever they want to do. It's not good when children are dragged all over the place every weekend - they get tired too.
It's appalling that your mother doesn't offer any food when you are there either. I'd not be putting up with that. They want you there playing at happy families but are putting no effort in themselves.
It's time for you and your family to do what you want at the weekends. On the weekends where your husband is working Saturday mornings you shouldn't be stressing yourselves out having to go around visiting people. No way!

I'd be tempted to go on The Saturdays he works, go straight to MILs for a late lunch, cuppa with your family and home for tea!!

Yanbu. I'm glad you've decided this before lockdown we always seem to go with the flow for other's it has changed for us too.

I'd be tempted to go on The Saturdays he works, go straight to MILs for a late lunch, cuppa with your family and home for tea!!
Actually this is probably a better idea than mine (of not stressing yourselves out when OH is working on Saturday mornings). It means you really are limited to a half day visit and on the other weekends you have a whole weekend free for the family.