was this rude? Anti social rather than social distancing.

[SunshineSuper]

DD & I dropped a present off to the Birthday Girl (BG). Young teens.

We went at 2.30pm, avoiding meal times.
No other cars on drive.
DD & friend have been messaging each other during lock down but have only seen each other briefly once. Lock down has been strict locally.
They have a lovely garden with lots of seating and the sun is shining.

We stood at a distance on the doorstep. Present handed over, BG said thank you, brief chat about weather with the Dad then they said good bye.

No questions about how we are, how my sick parent is, no letting the girls catch up.

I'm coming at this from having sociable kids that have really missed their friends and peers. I can do social chat for ten minutes with anyone but more importantly I'm looking for any safe way to make life more stimulating and fun for my children.

so YABU it's a pandemic, don't expect to be sitting in the garden even on a birthday. No invite.
YANBU anti social Birthday family dont want your uninvited company

Was this today? Maybe the adults were both working!

Op, you’re not being unreasonable because frantic preps could be going on

You’re being unreasonable because you’re not friends with these people. You are acquaintances.

The girls are Who are friends, they are also old enough to make their own social arrangements to meet. You can’t expect people you’re not friends with to invite you in and ask about your life.

It’s quite an unusual thought process. It’s nothing to do with rhe pandemic. Even in normal times it would be normal for them to say thanks, make polite chit chat and then say good bye.

Your daughters friends are her friends. This does not mean the parents are.

could you arrange another visit where you can chat properly

Why would they possibly wish to chat properly? They are not the ops friends. It’s the girls who are friends. The girls should make arrangements to meet and chat properly. Not the parents. They are not in the habit of meeting socially to chat properly. Why would they possibly start now?

Erm, yabvu, why on earth would the dad have asked you in for a cuppa in their garden on his daughter's birthday without prior arrangement during a global pandemic? If he had then he probably would have felt compelled to sit and chat and he was probably working/otherwise busy. It probably didn't even cross his mind. Under the same circumstances there's no way my dh would have even thought of inviting the other parent in. Defnitely don't think he's rude / unfriendly based on this.

One thing AIBU has taught me is that so many people expect others to read their mind and then feel affronted when they don't get what they were hoping for. If you want a socially distanced garden get- together with this family, just contact them and suggest it! You can't turn up at the door saying "we've come to drop this present off" but expect them to somehow intuit that you're actually hoping to be invited for an impromptu garden party and then blame them for being "antisocial" when it doesn't happen.

I agree with @Bluntness100 -- these people are not your friends, and you seem to have been assuming they would do the lockdown equivalent of inviting you in (inviting you to sit in the garden) when you showed up to drop off a present, when in fact they're school run acquaintances and only your children are friends?

It's a bit like feeling aggrieved that some acquaintances have a nice living room with lots of armchairs but they still didn't invite you in to sit in it!

And 2.30 pm is right in the middle of most people's working day -- if you'd showed up at my house today, the door would have been answered by an eight year old because DH and I were both on Zoom meetings...

You are correct that it is not great manners to receive a gift on the doorstep and then just say "bye!"

He didn't, they had a bit of a chat about the weather.

Sorry I do think YABU
You just turned up at their house and expect them to drop everything to entertain you.
Cant believe you are using the reasons that they have a big garden and that your kids are sociable to somehow blame them for your inappropriate behaviour.

Wheelhouse used her own manners and called and prearranged something instead of just randomly showing up to someone else's home expecting to be entertained. Ok was the classless one without manners

So you were hoping to sit in their garden whilst the girls had a catch up?

But the other parents didn't know this?

If DD messaged her friend to say she would be "dropping by" then I'm not sure what the problem is - that's exactly what they did. If they'd wanted to meet for a younger chat, then they should have organised to do that. IN ADVANCE.
I wouldn't expect a spontaneous invitation on the doorstep - not at the best of times, and particularly not these days where you don't know if they other person is likely to recoil in horror at the idea of sitting in someone else's garden.
If they are teens, they sort their own plans. nothing to do with you.

OP why didn't you get in touch before going over? A lot of people savour lunchtime to early afternoon as a time to relax, especially if they still have little kids and they nap.

This virus has screwed up my thought process Bluntness100 I've no idea what is normal or what.

You are bang on on the distinction between friends and acquaintances. But we're also transitioning between the time when kids hang together in the park or swimming lessons or play dates whilst the parents have to stay and chat and the independence of older children. So a year ago I would have described us all as friends, now it's certainly cooling.

I'm happy to move on, friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime - all valuable at different times. I'm not great at social etiquette, I just want my kids happy, the lock down makes it harder.

You are correct that it is not great manners to receive a gift on the doorstep and then just say "bye!"

The parent didn’t receive a gift, it was between the two girls. And they didn’t just say bye, the parent also came to the door, were polite and made polite conversation. That is Very good manners.

The fact they have a nice garden with lots of seats really isn’t relevant. I have a nice garden with lots of seats.. It would no more occur to me to invite the op in to ask about her life, than it would rhe Amazon delivery person.

Teenage girls manage their own friendships, it does not include the parents. They are not toddlers on a play date.

Could you invite the BG over for a garden catch up at yours this week?

It's a shame to not let the girls catch up or at least provide a reason to rush away from the door.
These are lonely times.
Some people are busy with work, but equally there are fewer reasons to be rushing around for most people compared to normal. Teenagers hardly have crammed diaries at the moment!

You just turned up, on the actual birthday? So probably intruded upon their family celebrations (and possibly preparations for a garden gathering of other family or friends). Potentially quite awkward! Could have made your dd feel terrible, if other friends had been there and she hadn't been invited.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to turn up to drop the present off, but it could well be that they had other plans or just weren’t prepared for visitors at that moment. I don’t think either of you have been rude.

You just caught them unawares. Probably working or in the middle of something.

Don’t give it another thought. And yes, get your DD to invite the BG over to yours or for a walk.

But we're also transitioning between the time when kids hang together in the park or swimming lessons or play dates whilst the parents have to stay and chat and the independence of older children

But op that’s not friends, that’s still acquaintances. Friends are you phone each other for a chat, socialise together without the kids, gigs, dinner, bars, hobbies, that’s friends. What you describe is simply sets of parents making chit chat as they are thrown together due to the kids. That’s acquaintances.

If you said you often all went out to dinner together without the kids, called each other up to chat, texted regularly, did things without the kids. And did all the things friends did, then that would be friends.

I think maybe you’ve misinterpreted social chit chat when waiting for the kids, which has led to this, I’m sorry.

Yabu, because I am delighted to welcome friends including the girls' friends to Social Distant meet-ups - IF ARRANGED IN ADVANCE!!

If you've known the girl for a long time, this is definitely a case of not mentally moving on from "primary school mode".

Once they are teens

• they make their own plans (and on this occasion "dropping off present" was planned)
• parents are better when they were invisible (i.e. you should have stayed in the car/end of the drive and not come to the door)
• your DC's friends' parents (unless you are long standing friends with them) are not interested in forming a relationship with you. They will not have to stand in playgrounds and chat with you for hours, and if it's helpful for you to share the lifts to swimming, then your DC will sort this out between themselves and just tell you when you are needed.

@SunshineSuper social etiquette is so difficult just now. Some people seem to be carrying on as normal whereas others are very cautious. It's unfamiliar territory after years of social norms being understood.

Sounds to me like you had a moment of "I have no idea what's reasonable". I've had many of those recently

Some people are busy with work, but equally there are fewer reasons to be rushing around for most people compared to normal.

Really? "Most people" that I know are struggling to juggle work with home-schooling/childcare or feeling under more pressure than usual to 'perform' at work due to the threat (either direct or implicit) of redundancy. I know hardly anyone who would be in a position to drop everything and have a get-together at zero notice in the middle of the working day.

9millioncansofbeans It's my DD's birthday in a couple of days. We've been trying to work out her friends parents attitude to social gatherings, through the medium of young teen communication.

We think a garden gathering will not go down well with a number of them. I've suggested dog walks one or two at a time and an awareness that friendships might have cooled or changed when they finally do meet up.

My older DD has got this all sorted, no advice sought, and I merely provide lifts and cash!