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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL moving (back) in

52 replies

secondtime123 · 22/06/2020 13:10

I'd appreciate some perspective.

DH and I are both immigrants living in a country which isn't our birthplace. We own a modest apartment we purchased just after getting married.

SIL decided in summer last year that she also wanted to relocate to this country and asked if she could have the spare room for a few months whilst she settled in.

We agreed to this. I did so on the basis it was a temporary arrangement while she found her feet.

I didn't want to be sharing my marital home, but I agreed because having had experience of relocating to another country, I understand the complexities and the time it takes to settle in and organise everything. I also do get on well with SIL. We charged a below market rent which basically just covered bills.

It was fine to begin with, but then, in my opinion, she started to take advantage. To be fair, I do like having my own space, enjoy cooking and having free use of the kitchen etc, so perhaps I am not being entirely reasonable.

The TV was on all day, she wasn't doing any cleaning. DH is not supportive with this, and I did ask him to talk to her about this, but his response was that I should.

Anyway, one day she decided to move her boyfriend in. She had previously had him round for probably 2 nights a month which we were fine with, on the understanding it was not to be a regular occurence.

The boyfriend offered nothing in the way of contribution for bills, doesn't work (and says he has no plans ever to do so) and was in the house all day everyday playing computer games.

After putting up with this for 2 weeks (yes, stupid) we told them this wasn't to continue. They then found somewhere else to live. Now 5 months later, SIL wants to move back because things aren't working out.

I am not happy about this. As far as DH is concerned, she could live here permanently for as long as she likes. I disagree and think that she needs to find somewhere else to live. The issue with this is it'd be financially hard for her, so I feel like I am being made to feel unkind.

I have, to try and be as fair and kind as possible, said she can come back for a maximum of 1 month while she finds somewhere else to live since she has to move out the apartment with her BF next month.

DH thinks it is unreasonable to set a time limit on it and says if I have a problem it is for me to sort it out (basically).

Am I being unfair, or are my concerns reasonable?

OP posts:

gutentag1 · 22/06/2020 13:23

That would not be happening on my watch. She sounds like a CF, and you are being very generous by even offering her one month.

She moved her boyfriend in? Did she ask? Why didn't you say no?

LadyMinerva · 22/06/2020 13:24

Urgh, your 'D' H sounds like he is anything but Dear. The two of you are clearly not on the same page. You will have to lay out the ground rules to either your SIL as to what is and is not accepted in your home or your H as to how you will or will not be treated in your marriage.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 22/06/2020 13:28

Tell dh you would feel unable to continue with adult activities with her back under your roof...
Offer to help find her alternative accommodation...

Original poster

secondtime123 · 22/06/2020 13:30

No she did not ask if she could move the BF in.

She asked if he could stay one night. One night turned into 2 weeks.

OP posts:

Cherryhill22 · 22/06/2020 13:47

Wow. This sounds really frustrating for you. You are not being unreasonable at all. If I were you I would speak your husband openly and agree a joint approach with some clear rules. This is not your problem to sort and he is being unfair putting this all on you. Stand your ground and don't let him hide away from the issue. The SIL needs to put effort into finding her own place, staying with you is absolutely a last resort. If she does have to stay, she needs to contribute towards rent/mortgage and bills, she needs to have clear expectations about what household chores she will help with and clear rules about guests and boyfriends staying. She is a grown woman, not a child.

Sceptre86 · 22/06/2020 13:48

You need to have serious words with your dh. Does he always avoid confrontation this way? I would be telling him she cant move in and if he has a problem with that he can move out too. I would not allow her to stay. She had plenty of time the last time to help out and change her behaviour, why would anything be different now?

Waveysnail · 22/06/2020 13:49

She can rent a room elsewhere!

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/06/2020 13:51

Well if he's leaving it to you to sort out tell her no.

He's being a lazy mug and his sister is a CF.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2020 13:54

Do not allow her to move back in. You'll never get rid of her. Since your husband is so utterly useless, as well as a complete mug, you have to take control of this situation. Call the SIL now and tell her the answer is no. Don't be concerned how she feels about it.

Purpleartichoke · 22/06/2020 13:55

She needs to find her own housing.

Bringing a stranger into your home is inexcusable. I know from her perspective he wasn’t a stranger, but he was to you.

Your DH also clearly won’t stand up for you in this situation so why on earth would you agree to go through it again. He is not being a good partner in this instance.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/06/2020 13:57

I agree with @Aquamarine1029 - your dh told you to sort out the cleaning issues directly with your SIL, so I'd extend that to dealing with this issue directly too. You have every reason to refuse to have her to stay again.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 22/06/2020 13:58

YANBU. You very kindly let her live with you before and she abused your kindness, so I don't see why she'd be given a second chance. She knows the country by now, presumably, and could therefore start making her own living arrangements.

AnotherBoredOne · 22/06/2020 14:01

No not good. Don't let it happen, she will never leave, she needs to find alternative accommodation.

DisobedientHamster · 22/06/2020 14:02

Your h isn't 'd', unless the d stands for dickhead. NO. She finds somewhere else to live. Or he moves out with her. But she doesn't move in. Fuck 'feeling unkind', get a backbone and get past that. She's a CFer pisstaker.

Original poster

secondtime123 · 22/06/2020 14:13

DH does avoid confrontation, yes.

I should probably have mentioned that she is in the process of applying for a visa to stay here permanently, which she does not have. Therefore she is working remotely for a company based in her home country, but the wages are comparatively much lower. This is why DH says we should accommodate her. He also says he feels protective that she shouldn't have to share with people she doesn't know, as he had to do that for a few years and had negative experiences.

I have said in reply that I sympathise with all of these points, however, being an adult does involve having to make sacrifices if you want to achieve something (in this instance moving country).

If I was now to refuse her accommodation here, the line will be that she will be on the streets come next week and I am being unkind putting her in that position.

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 22/06/2020 14:16

Your DH is the problem here-he doesn’t agree with you at all

I’d be tempted to move out completely and leave them to it! Or threaten it. Would he risk your marriage for this?

DisobedientHamster · 22/06/2020 14:18

If I was now to refuse her accommodation here, the line will be that she will be on the streets come next week and I am being unkind putting her in that position.

He can find her a place to live then that's not your house. You need to get over his guilt trips because he doesn't give a fuck about you it's all about an easy life for him. NO. 'NO, she's not coming here to live. She takes advantage and I'm not running a boarding house.' 'Then she'll be on the streets.' 'She's an adult who needs to be responsible for herself the same way we are.' 'She shouldn't have to share with strangers.' 'Then she can return to (wherever your home country is) because she's not staying here.' 'So unkind.' 'Yep, sure am.'

frazzledasarock · 22/06/2020 14:23

Well if she's going to be one the streets that's her choice.

How on earth is she going to get a visa in a country where she has no job and can't afford to live in?

I'd point blank refuse.

If your husband forces it, I would not do anything for H he can do everything including cleaning up after his sister and cooking for her.

Make life incredibly uncomfortable for him and you'll find he's less afraid of saying no to other people over your comfort.

He's saying yes because he looks amazing either way. She moves in you take up the slack and end up playing skivvy to her you say no your sainted husband is not at fault he has an evil wife.
He sounds incredibly unpleasant.

TooTiredTodayOk · 22/06/2020 14:30

Nope.

Unless she's in immediate danger where she is right now, she can stay there until she finds somewhere else to live.

Boo hoo that things aren't working out, that's what generally happens when you move in with a boyfriend of only a couple or months that you barely know.

She needs to look for a bedsit, house share, hostel, airB&B.

TeaAndHobnob · 22/06/2020 14:30

No. You gave her a chance last time and she took advantage, you'd be insane to let her move back. You'll never get rid of her - it's obviously nice and comfortable at yours, there's no way she'd find somewhere else to live while she has the option of your place.

BlingLoving · 22/06/2020 14:37

If he wants it to be your problem, that's fine, but then you get to make the decisions.

I completely understand how hard it is to say no - I' ve been there! But that doesn't mean you have to put up with CF behaviour.

Groundrules laid down from the start eg no overnights with randoms/limited overnights with boyfriend/whatever works.
Cleaning / cooking/ whatever rota.

Also, and this is REALLY REALLY important: You need to not treat her like a guest. What that means is that if she's in the house, on a low rent as a member of the family, she has to behave like it and you have to treat her like it. So that means, if you're doing the cooking and you realise you need some ingredients... you send her out to buy them. If you agree that the person cooking doesn't wash up, after you've prepared a meal rather than expecting her to wash up you say, "Right, I'm going to watch some telly while you do the washing up."

You shouldn't have to do this but as someone who has navigated countless family stays from both my family and DHs I can tell you it really is the only way for you to maintain your sanity.

[oh, and DH might well try to protest. if that happens, ignore him or remind him that he was the one who said family needed to stay. And/or tell him HE can do her chores, but you're certainly not going to. My Dbro doesn't stay with us but when he's in our town visits a LOT. First meal, I treat them as guests. But by second meal, I expect them to start helping with washing up/ providing etc because otherwise I'm running around like a skivvy for at least 2 meals a week as well as endless tea/coffee/lunch visits.....But DH always gets embarrassed when I tell MY bro that he has to do more!]

JustC · 22/06/2020 14:39

Nope nope nope. If he's so worried for her, he should teach her about bejng a decent person when someone opens their home to you.

2bazookas · 22/06/2020 14:46

I think you've done your bit (and more) and it's perfectly reasonable to say "No, not again".

If DH protest you just say "You knew there were problems last time , re all day TV and cleaning, and you said that was not your concern and I had to sort it myself. That's what I'm doing, right now. Sorry, she is NOT coming back."

Beautiful3 · 22/06/2020 14:54

No way, I would say no. If you take her back in then you're a real mug!

Cherrysoup · 22/06/2020 14:55

Tell him it’s you or her. This impinges on your life. You don’t want her there, nor would I. I’d hate to have someone else living with me and my DH. Why shouldn’t she woman up and live independently?

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