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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL moving (back) in

52 replies

secondtime123 · 22/06/2020 13:10

I'd appreciate some perspective.

DH and I are both immigrants living in a country which isn't our birthplace. We own a modest apartment we purchased just after getting married.

SIL decided in summer last year that she also wanted to relocate to this country and asked if she could have the spare room for a few months whilst she settled in.

We agreed to this. I did so on the basis it was a temporary arrangement while she found her feet.

I didn't want to be sharing my marital home, but I agreed because having had experience of relocating to another country, I understand the complexities and the time it takes to settle in and organise everything. I also do get on well with SIL. We charged a below market rent which basically just covered bills.

It was fine to begin with, but then, in my opinion, she started to take advantage. To be fair, I do like having my own space, enjoy cooking and having free use of the kitchen etc, so perhaps I am not being entirely reasonable.

The TV was on all day, she wasn't doing any cleaning. DH is not supportive with this, and I did ask him to talk to her about this, but his response was that I should.

Anyway, one day she decided to move her boyfriend in. She had previously had him round for probably 2 nights a month which we were fine with, on the understanding it was not to be a regular occurence.

The boyfriend offered nothing in the way of contribution for bills, doesn't work (and says he has no plans ever to do so) and was in the house all day everyday playing computer games.

After putting up with this for 2 weeks (yes, stupid) we told them this wasn't to continue. They then found somewhere else to live. Now 5 months later, SIL wants to move back because things aren't working out.

I am not happy about this. As far as DH is concerned, she could live here permanently for as long as she likes. I disagree and think that she needs to find somewhere else to live. The issue with this is it'd be financially hard for her, so I feel like I am being made to feel unkind.

I have, to try and be as fair and kind as possible, said she can come back for a maximum of 1 month while she finds somewhere else to live since she has to move out the apartment with her BF next month.

DH thinks it is unreasonable to set a time limit on it and says if I have a problem it is for me to sort it out (basically).

Am I being unfair, or are my concerns reasonable?

OP posts:

AriadnesFilament · 22/06/2020 15:00

He needs to remember who he’s married to, frankly.

CuppaZa · 22/06/2020 15:03

She’s a CF. You DH is unsupportive. That month will turn into 1 year if you allow her to come back

Zilla1 · 22/06/2020 15:03

If your DH was unwilling to front up last time and it seems likely you will be put front and centre last time then it would seem best for you to nip this in the bud rather than open yourself to ongoing stress. If your DH doesn't understand then you can explain they had the opportunity to intervene last time and spectacularly failed so it doesn't seem appropriate this time.

Good luck.

Zilla1 · 22/06/2020 15:05

It might not have 'worked out' with them living together elsewhere but if you let your SIL back, I wonder how long before she moves this or another boyfriend back in to what looks like a free hotel/apartment with cleaning and cooking services.

lockdownalli · 22/06/2020 15:11

You have a DH problem

OneForMeToo · 22/06/2020 15:11

If you end up having her back which is stupid. Do exactly as he said take up every single issue directly with her. You need to wash up, no over night guests unless asked prior. Treat her Like a teenage child in your home basically that needs to ask permission and help out. Also charge rent.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 22/06/2020 15:17

Move yourself and all your things into the spare room and tell DH you will be staying there as he is disrespectful of your marriage and won't let you have a say in who lives in your own home.

Then there is no where for sil to stay and your dh might realise how much of a deal breaker his behaviour is to your marriage.

JustC · 22/06/2020 15:36

@Coffeethrowtrampbitch

Move yourself and all your things into the spare room and tell DH you will be staying there as he is disrespectful of your marriage and won't let you have a say in who lives in your own home.

Then there is no where for sil to stay and your dh might realise how much of a deal breaker his behaviour is to your marriage.

I quite like this suggestion 😈

daytriptovulcan · 22/06/2020 15:54

Get your laptop into the spare room... Its now your office.
Dont let the CF back in under any circumstances. I wonder is there a malicious MIL pulling the strings from afar.

NewName89 · 22/06/2020 16:35

His sister, his issue. Why not throw them both out on the street?

TitianaTitsling · 22/06/2020 17:17

Would you be surprised if after she moves in, she and the boyf suddenly have a reconciliation?

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 22/06/2020 17:23

YANBU- poor you!
That does sound ever so frustrating! 😔

Please don’t let her back, she doesn’t treat you and your home with respect.
She could rent a room somewhere. After 6 months in a new country she should be able to put down the deposit and have the required references.
Good luck OP 🤞💐

woodhill · 22/06/2020 17:24

No no no, she is taking advantage

nevermorelenore · 22/06/2020 17:27

How would your DH feel about one of your siblings moving in? He's being utterly unreasonable. Having a guest in the house is exhausting after a few days, let alone months.

Original poster

secondtime123 · 22/06/2020 20:56

The worst thing is, after she moved out, I got rid of the bed in the spare room and turned it into an office which DH actually needs to work. When I did this I said very clearly 'we don't need a second bedroom now, so it'll just be an office'. Sadly due to having no car and the lockdown, I wasn't able to get rid of the bloody mattress, so he has shifted it onto the floor of the spare bedroom and said she'll be fine just having that!

I have explained that the point was that the room wasn't to be a bedroom any more but an office. At the time he wanted to keep the bed, I think, but I told him that she had moved out and so I would convert the room into something more useful. I just feel it has been totally disregarded.

OP posts:

ConstanceSalinger · 22/06/2020 21:06

DH thinks it is unreasonable to set a time limit on it and says if I have a problem it is for me to sort it out (basically)

Brilliant, that just means he doesn't want to tell her. So you can! "Oh goodness me no! That won't work! Hope you get somewhere sorted soon"

NearlyGranny · 22/06/2020 21:08

If your DH thinks he needs to protect his DS from having to share with strangers, why didn't he feel the same impulse to protect YOU when his DS moved a stranger into your home without even asking?

If he wants to protect her now, fine, he can help her find somewhere safe to live that she can afford that isn't your home. Job done. His job, because you've done your supportive bit already.

Carlottacoffee · 22/06/2020 21:16

You know if you let her back in she won’t be gone in a month especially if your dh is happy fit to permanently move there. They will both stick together.

Tell her to move in to a house share. You can get some really nice ones

ComeBy · 22/06/2020 21:20

Does she stand a chance of getting a visa? How long does it take? I would possibly say she can come back til she gets her visa BUT she had to do a fair share of cleaning, your DH has to back you up, and no boyfriend or other guests.

And tell your DH at the first variation of any of this either he chucks her out or you will leave him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/06/2020 21:24

Given your DH's attitude it's perfectly obvious that if she moves in she won't readily move out again, so surely it would be better not to have her back at all

If she can't get a visa - or even if she can but can't afford to live here - what's to stop her returning home?

Sparticuscaticus · 22/06/2020 21:25

@Disfordarkchocolate

Well if he's leaving it to you to sort out tell her no.

He's being a lazy mug and his sister is a CF.

This ^

'Hey SIL, DH said you're leaving your flat and need to sort your accommodation out and he's left me to talk to you about it.
It didn't work you staying with us last time as you didn't clean up after yourself, wash up, did nothing around the house, blared the telly all day then moved your bf in- it won't work and I don't want to live like that - so I looked in the paper and there's lots of room rentals in Blah Gazette.
Let us know your new address when you settle in and we'll visit when lockdown is over'

Beautiful3 · 22/06/2020 23:22

I would put the mattress outside and pay someone to take it to the tip, when hes not around! Also I'd message sil directly to say, "I'm really sorry but after the last time, you cannot stay again."

ComeBy · 23/06/2020 02:31

“SIL, problem is that the spare room is now an office because DH works at home. Also we turned it into an office when we realised after you were here before that our flat isn’t ideal for more than 2 people. You should be able to get a reasonably priced house share through ....”

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/06/2020 03:43

I think perhaps you should talk with your DH. Tell him you'll only agree to have her stay if you can come up with house rules you are both happy with and that he enforces. Otherwise, your answer is "No." She really should have sorted out things like accommodation while she gets her visa before she moved over here (and if she did, and that plan was to stay with you, she really should have made sure you were on board with that it).

But I would also encourage you to be more direct with her yourself. Your DH should be the main point person, especially around initial agreements and backing you up. But if she is going to be living in your home, with her, you should feel comfortable telling her what you need from her, setting your boundaries and pointing out when she's overstepping/not pulling her weight. Having to go through a third party to negotiate relationships with someone you're living with is really hard work and bound to result in crossed wires. Which will be frustrating for everyone - including you.

FirstClassFlightHome · 23/06/2020 03:48

Tell your DH to rent a studio apartment for her.

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