Wedding top table

[AliBear90]

My partner and I are getting married in 2022. I know we won’t be doing seating plans for a long time... but, what would be the best thing here? My parents divorced when about 20 years ago. My father remarried about 10 years ago. I get along with his wife fine but we don’t talk other than when we see them maybe once a month or so and we’re not particularly close. My mum passed away 2 years ago. The top table at the venue can only seat the traditional 8. I however don’t really want my step mother sat in my mums place as they never got along and I feel it’s wrong. It would also likely make me feel uncomfortable. I was considering asking my sister to sit in my mums seat or leaving it empty as a nod to my mum, who I was extremely close to. Is it rude to ask my dads wife to sit at one of the other tables (close to the top table with her daughter and grandchildren)? And what would you do in this situation? I feel she may get upset / mad if I don’t seat her at the top table.

If you want the top table and want your sister instead if your step mum then do it ! I wouldn’t even mention it to anyone tbh! On the day they will all see where they are sitting ! Who cares if she’s a bit annoyed - not her day or your dads day!

Agree with previous, when I got married our respective families were a shitshow, so we had a sweetheart table just for us two and everyone else important went on tables 1 & 2. No stress for anyone.

Ask your sister.
Both my parents remarried, I could have extended the top table but chose not to. They're not my parents, they're just married to my parents. I sat them with the closest members of my family but there were a lot of people I would have had on the top table before them.

I had a slightly different situation in that I am much closer to my step-mum (and in fact call her mum) and don't get on with my mother (abusive childhood). We ummed and ahhed over whether to invite my mother at all and in the end decided it was probably better for my mental health to have her there than ban her with the potential she'd turn up anyway and ruin it. Having invited her we then had to decide how to seat people. In the end we put my mother on a table with my siblings and their families (lucky them!) and my dad and mum with my Australian family members and just had best man, his husband, my 2 closest friends (couldn't be bothered with bridesmaids) and their husbands and kids on our table (which was a round one rather than the traditional long one). My MIL died a couple of years before we married and we wanted to honour her too. We found a lovely photo of her and put it in a frame decorated with poppies (her favourite flower) and put it on a table with the cake and favours. We also raised a glass to her during the speeches and made sure she wasn't forgotten during the day.
I suggest talking to your dad about it - you've got a while yet and I agree with others not to leave an empty chair.

I would add that I actually think any reasonable and kind person should go along with what the bride wants. But we dont know your stepmum and if she would kick up a fuss that would be more upsetting than the awkwardness of her being on the table against your wishes.
My husbands mum is dead and he had his stepmum in her place. She wasnt ever a mum to him despite living with him from age 11 but excluding her from the table would have caused more trouble than it was worth.

Thank you everyone. I think what we’re going to do is to see if there’s any way they could fit an extra seat at the top table. That way I can have my sister sat where my mum would be so she’s representing my mum for me and allow my dads wife to sit next to him hopefully. I don’t dislike her and wouldn’t want her to feel at all snubbed by it. And certainly wouldn’t want to upset my dad at all. I will also be happy to involve her in some of the preparations if she wants to be.

Another vote for "top tables are old fashioned". We had circular tables at our wedding, we sat in the middle of the room surrounded by our guests rather than on a raised platform looking down at them.

My parents are divorced and both had new partners when we got married.
I dealt with the whole awkwardness by having Afternoon Tea with no formal seating.
It was marvellous and I got to have smoked salmon sarnies and a decent cuppa on my wedding day.

I say fie to tradition!

OP, I think your updated plan sounds lovely. That way you both honour your mum's memory (and ask your sister to take on a special symbolic role), while also being inclusive and welcoming to your dad and his wife.

Weddings are such symbolic occasions, and when people are generous and inclusive with their invitations and table plans, and are thoughtful in how they take care of their guests during the day, I do think most guests notice and appreciate it. It can strengthen relationships with family and friends quite a while after the event.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Like I last said I will ask the venue about an extra seat at the top table. I think if not I will have my dads wife sit on the table and maybe go with the non traditional seating and let them sit next to each other at the top table rather than parents split to sit next to mil and fil. As I wouldn’t want her to feel left out. And when we told them we’ve got a date she was extremely happy and excited which I didn’t expect either.

Top tables are quite old fashioned and don’t always work with blended families. Better to just sit with best man and maid of honour and their partners and let your parents sit with their families

I think your wedding your day do as you see fit. Have a top table with whoever you fancy on it or don’t have a top table.

We had a top table but as I was 35 by the time we got married my bridesmaid (was married) and best man was in a long term relationship. We had both on top table and their partners on a friends table both seemed fine about it.

I saved myself a lot of aggro and had a bbq buffet reception where everyone could sit where they pleased. No way was I wading through the minefield of family politics!