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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding top table

113 replies

AliBear90 · 18/06/2020 19:29

My partner and I are getting married in 2022. I know we won’t be doing seating plans for a long time... but, what would be the best thing here? My parents divorced when about 20 years ago. My father remarried about 10 years ago. I get along with his wife fine but we don’t talk other than when we see them maybe once a month or so and we’re not particularly close. My mum passed away 2 years ago. The top table at the venue can only seat the traditional 8. I however don’t really want my step mother sat in my mums place as they never got along and I feel it’s wrong. It would also likely make me feel uncomfortable. I was considering asking my sister to sit in my mums seat or leaving it empty as a nod to my mum, who I was extremely close to. Is it rude to ask my dads wife to sit at one of the other tables (close to the top table with her daughter and grandchildren)? And what would you do in this situation? I feel she may get upset / mad if I don’t seat her at the top table.

OP posts:
TheGlitterFairy · 19/06/2020 07:29

We did the same as NailsNeedDoing - my parents divorced 20 odd years ago, both remarried. DH’s parents are together. All sets of parents “hosted” their own table with family members from their side and friends and our table had siblings/ wedding party - Best Man/ groomsmen and bridesmaids on.

There wasn’t a tip table per se. All tables were round and we only had 4 tables in total as a small wedding.

Worked well for us and parents enjoyed hosting their own tables too.

Personally am not a fan of the traditional top table and I also think that it’s not a good idea to seat your step mother away from your dad, though I do understand the sentiment!

Nice idea about your mums chair too but that does lend itself to difficulties then with the flow of conversation with essentially a gap on the table. Could you make a special toast to her instead perhaps?

TheGlitterFairy · 19/06/2020 07:30

*top!

Duchessofealing · 19/06/2020 08:48

OP it is your wedding and you should do as you want. Please do speak to your dad and his wife upfront and let them think about it before committing to what they would prefer too, you are close to your dad and don’t want him uncomfortable on the day. I also think it would be a lovely thing to give a toast to your mum (and other absent friends). I think an empty chair could just make you feel sad when you look at it, and if you have a small piece of jewellery or similar you could wear of hers to keep you close to her on the day that could be an idea (on say yes to the dress someone had some fabric from a tie sewn in to their dress from their late father - I thought this was a lovely idea).
I hope it all goes well and you find a solution that works.

unchienandalusia · 19/06/2020 09:55

Our top table was best man and bridesmaids and their partners. My divorced parents both 'hosted' their own tables. Worked really well. Traditional top tables only work if everyone's parents are still together imho.

confusedbymyheritage · 19/06/2020 13:26

OP

Just saw your last update, if it makes you at all uncomfortable don't put her on the top table. It is your wedding day and your comfort is paramount, the last thing you want is to not be able to enjoy the day because you feel like you are dishonouring your mum and then to regret it.

Don't 'be prepared for her to say she'd like to be on the top table' as another poster said. It is your wedding and your choice of who you want sat with you. Make it clear to your dad and her that the options are your dad on top table and her with family, or your dad can sit with her and family and you will find someone else you want on your top table, that's it.

MatildaTheCat · 19/06/2020 13:34

If you are extremely close to your Dad I’d suggest you don’t insult him and his wife by placing them at different tables. It’s tough for you to be missing your Mum but he has a wife and they will almost certainly expect to sit together.

You could have a chat with him?

TidyDancer · 19/06/2020 13:54

YANBU to not want your stepmum at the top table. She could sit on a close family table or with bridesmaids etc. I think the empty chair might be a step too far (although I understand why you would like to do this).

KeepingPlain · 19/06/2020 13:56

Don't do a sweetheart unless you love being centre of attention. You're stared at for your entire meal basically. It will feel weird.

I'd just do round tables for everyone and sit your dad and stepmum with other members of family they know. Have your bridesmaids and groomsmen at your table.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/06/2020 13:58

My moms husband didn't sit on the top table at any of our weddings (me and 3 siblings) we all like him a lot, it wasn't a snub, he's just not our parent, he wasn't offended and neither was my mother

Poptart4 · 19/06/2020 13:59

Your not wrong to feel the way you do but you should consider the long term affect this could have on your relationship with your dad.

He may feel hurt and angry that you've snubbed his wife which will put a bad atmosphere over the day. The bad feeling could last years creating a wedge between you.

This is exactly why I plan to elope!

On the other hand they both may be ok with it. As your so close to your dad why not take him out for a coffee and discuss it with him.

Explain how you feel and that you in no way want to hurt or upset him or his wife but you just dont know what to do for the best. Say it in a way that the decision hasn't been made and you want his advice. Feel out his reaction, if he seems upset, personally I would have her on the top table.

It's not worth years of upset for the sake of one meal.

MaggieFS · 19/06/2020 14:02

Sorry about your mum. If she was on the top table, then I don't think she'd be there in place of your mum, but it would be as your Dad's partner, in the same way your mum and any new partner could be if she was still around.

I'm not a fan of couples being split up, but if you're having DF next to MIL and as your mum isn't around, you could just not have anyone there, for example, have bridesmaids or your sister next to FIL as you've said. BUT I think you need to broach it with an open mind and sensitively with DF and step mum. Ask them what they'd expect. These things are never worth the potential fall out if you upset someone.

confusedbymyheritage · 19/06/2020 14:04

My moms husband didn't sit on the top table at any of our weddings (me and 3 siblings) we all like him a lot, it wasn't a snub, he's just not our parent, he wasn't offended and neither was my mother

This is the most sensible thing. It's not a snub it's not 'not being seen as family' (there's plenty of family memebers who don't sit on the top table), it's simply that they are a step parent, not a parent (and in the OP's case doesn't even have a parental relationship with the bride or groom).

AryaStarkWolf · 19/06/2020 14:09

This is the most sensible thing. It's not a snub it's not 'not being seen as family' (there's plenty of family memebers who don't sit on the top table), it's simply that they are a step parent, not a parent (and in the OP's case doesn't even have a parental relationship with the bride or groom).

Exactly, my moms husband (I don't call him step dad as I was an adult and living in my own house when they got together so it seems odd haha) sat with my aunts and uncles on my mothers side on a table right at the front. It wasn't even an issue, he gets on very well with them and had a great day/evening.

2bazookas · 19/06/2020 14:29

You've only got one parent left.

Are you really prepared to hurt , shame and offend your father in public by suggesting he doesn't sit with his wife?

For shame.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/06/2020 14:31

Are you really prepared to hurt , shame and offend your father in public by suggesting he doesn't sit with his wife?

For shame.

Bloody hell, that's melodramatic. Shame fgs

okiedokieme · 19/06/2020 14:38

It's something I know I will have to navigate (both adult dd2's are watching say yes to the dress with intent!) - I wouldn't expect my dp to be on the top table, I would seat him with my brothers and parents instead.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/06/2020 15:28

Are you really prepared to hurt , shame and offend your father in public by suggesting he doesn't sit with his wife?
A bit ott isn't it.
Dad there's 8 seats. Me, Joe, his Mom and Dad and his best man. Obviously you and my maid of honour Tara. I want Jess to sit in what should have been Mom's seat. Do you think Mary would prefer to sit with Aunty Jane or Granny Mabel?

Job done.

confusedbymyheritage · 19/06/2020 15:40

@SleepingStandingUp

Exactly!

And if dad goes, "oh but I want to sit with Mary as she's my wife"

You go, of course I understand, it's a shame as id love to have you as my father at the top table but absolutely you can sit with her and granny. It's not like another seat can be added to the top table.

And then you can either choose to fill his eat with someone else significant to you or just have a 7 person top table and space the chairs out a little more.

littlelionroars · 19/06/2020 15:49

My parents are divorced and we chose not to have a traditional top table.

We sat with DH's brother (the bestman) and his girlfriend on one side and my cousin (maid of honour) and brother (groomsman) on the other. Both my brother and cousin were single at the time so it worked out quite well.

We let each of our parents host a table of ten. They could have whoever they wanted at their tables and were positioned up front near the top table.

MIL wasn't especially pleased at first, but she came around to the idea.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 19/06/2020 15:51

Have some very close friends on your table instead.

Sit your dad and step mum with some family or people they get on with, same for groom’s side. Call their tables 1 and 2 and your’s three if it helps!

HighOnStilts · 19/06/2020 16:15

Top tables are old fashioned. Go for a sweetheart table! Will save you a hell of a lot of drama. Me and my fiance are getting married 2022 also and doing this with our DD.

Eddie16 · 19/06/2020 16:36

I had a similar situation so did a sweetheart table for me and dh, then round tables for the guests, my mum and stepdad had a table that they hosted with family they knew and my father and stepmother had a table to host with family they knew and my in laws had a table that they hosted with people they had asked to the wedding. Saved a of arguments although mil was a bit 🤔 as she was expecting a traditional set up. She soon lost that idea when I arrived in a blush pink wedding dress NOT white and did things the way dh and I wanted our day to be.
We also had photos of people who we had lost so they were present in a way that was nice for us all. 🤞 and it's been said,its your day, do what works for you and you fiance.

Abbazed · 19/06/2020 17:36

I felt really sorry for my Mum when she sat with me and my husband and not her husband of 20 years. People have feelings.

KarmaStar · 19/06/2020 18:18

Seat her with her family and some of yours and leave your mum's seat empty for her.I think nobody can n argue with that and it will be a lovely thing to do.

PhoneLock · 19/06/2020 18:29

We didn't have top table either. Speeches were done in the garden and the meals were all buffet, sit where and with whoever you like affairs.

Totally stress free. Smile

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