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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding top table

113 replies

AliBear90 · 18/06/2020 19:29

My partner and I are getting married in 2022. I know we won’t be doing seating plans for a long time... but, what would be the best thing here? My parents divorced when about 20 years ago. My father remarried about 10 years ago. I get along with his wife fine but we don’t talk other than when we see them maybe once a month or so and we’re not particularly close. My mum passed away 2 years ago. The top table at the venue can only seat the traditional 8. I however don’t really want my step mother sat in my mums place as they never got along and I feel it’s wrong. It would also likely make me feel uncomfortable. I was considering asking my sister to sit in my mums seat or leaving it empty as a nod to my mum, who I was extremely close to. Is it rude to ask my dads wife to sit at one of the other tables (close to the top table with her daughter and grandchildren)? And what would you do in this situation? I feel she may get upset / mad if I don’t seat her at the top table.

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 18/06/2020 22:20

We didn't have a top table. My parents 'hosted' their own table, and I think we may have put my in laws, both remarried, on another table together as they all get along, but we might have put them on their own tables too, can't remember.
On our table was the best man and his wife, three friends who had traveled from another country, and my sister, and someone else must gave been a friend of my husbands.

We put a lot of effort in the seating plan, trying to put friends together and mixing in people we thought they'd get along with.

yelyah22 · 18/06/2020 22:20

Oh that's sad for you Clariana. :( I think this is a bit different though, if OP isn't close with her dad's wife - I'd agree that no top table is the way forward so no feelings are hurt. And you could honour your mum by leaving an empty chair elsewhere too if you felt it would be right - I've seen that done before and it was lovely.

My dad met his partner of 12 years when I was 19 and although I'm not married yet, I will be in the next few years. I'm not close to my dad's partner - I see my dad 3 times a year, for an hour or two at a time (we talk several times a week but he lives miles away and works away a lot). So in the whole time they've been together I've spent maybe 72 hours in her company? We never get past small talk, not out of malice on either part, just we don't really know each other. I couldn't imagine having her on the top table at my wedding, but I think my dad would be really hurt, so this thread has been an eye opener!

ECBC · 18/06/2020 22:24

We had small circular tables at ours which felt a bit more intimate and informal. Also less pressure to have your seating plan a certain way without the traditional top table setup

Doolaleetap · 18/06/2020 22:29

I'm a stepmum and I wasn't asked to sit at the top table- nor would I expect to be.

My husband sat next to his ex-wife which was excruciating for him. But I was more than happy to be out of the spot light!

Merryoldgoat · 18/06/2020 22:29

I really don’t like separating couples on wedding tables. If you want your guests to enjoy themselves then it’s only right to have them seated in couples.

I’d go for something non-traditional - I don’t have any parents anymore so I had my PILs, grandmother and her best friend and then BIL and his partner and my MOH and her husband.

Why not have the wedding party only?

LtJudyHopps · 18/06/2020 22:32

Closer to the time I’d speak to your dad - obviously if you have that relationship. Either he sits on top table on his own or sits with his wife.
Or you don’t have any parents at the top table - just have friends? Or just the two of you.

Carabu1 · 18/06/2020 22:34

We didn’t have a top table. We sat on a table with best man and woman, their partners, and an old school friend. My parents and in-laws sat together on another table with our siblings and their partners. My no 1 priority for wedding was that everyone enjoyed it, and by seating people with people they know and like you’re onto a winner. So I’d sit your step mum and dad together, but ditch the trad top table.

Dinosauraddict · 18/06/2020 22:37

My parents are divorced and whilst I get on ok (now) with my stepmum, we're not close and she was the OW. Parents divorced when I was a teenager. My mum and dad both sat on the top table (not next to each other). We also had best man, MoH and another bridesmaid and groomsman on top table. Stepmum sat with my grandma (her MIL), my MIL, my BIL etc at a separate but close family table. No-one was offended. It worked for us. Do whatever works for you!

Incrediblytired · 18/06/2020 22:39

I get it but I think the best way is to find another way.

It’s important that your guests look forward to and enjoy your wedding. You don’t want any awkwardness or bad feeling clouding the day.

Go for the sweetheart or have a table with bridesmaid, best best man etc. I know lots of blended family’s where the bride and groom have decide they don’t want 4 step parents and 4 parents on a top table so they just sit with the rest of the bridal party and I even went to a wedding as a guest where I was invited to join that table out of acknowledgement that I’d travelled far to attend the wedding and didn’t know anyone! It was really lovely. The parents looked happy on the other tables.

LellyMcKelly · 18/06/2020 22:45

I went to a wedding recently where there was no top table. The bride and groom sat with their bridesmaids/groomsmen and their partners. The parents from each family each sat with their friends and aunts/uncles, so everyone got to sit with people they knew and liked. It was a brilliant wedding, though it was the bride’s fourth, so she knew what she was doing by then. Don’t split partners up unless you know they want it.

Maybeanotherday1234 · 18/06/2020 22:45

YANBU. It's your wedding and you should be able to do it your way. At our wedding we didn't have any parents on the top table as my mum passed away and my dad left when I was young. Instead we had close friends who were in the wedding party.

Weddings are stressful enough without this to worry about. Do the seat arrangement your way and if people don't like it tough.

Alsohuman · 18/06/2020 22:52

I’m a stepmom and took the view at my stepson’s wedding that I should take a back seat and his parents should present a united front. That was exactly what happened and it was fine. But if my husband had sat at a top table with an empty chair while I sat elsewhere - well, I’d have just gone home. That’s so awful I don’t know how you could consider it.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 18/06/2020 23:02

My parents (newly divorced) sat together at my top table and all was fine. I didn't invite df girlfriend to the wedding, no regrets. Hes getting married to her next year

LockdownLemon · 18/06/2020 23:26

No top table for us for the same reason. And it was great. I think everyone had a better time because we were all at round tables, so we could chat to everyone.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/06/2020 23:27

wanted him to sit at the top table and me not, because there wasn't room for more than 8... I now know she doesn't see me as family despite all I have done for her over the years. Surely that depends on who else was in the top 4 in her side. It just means there wasn't Room.

OP id do sweatheart table.

Alsohuman · 18/06/2020 23:29

It just means there wasn't Room

There’d have been Room for her mum, wouldn’t there?

Fifthtimelucky · 18/06/2020 23:29

I didn't have my stepmother at my top table and normally I'd say it was fine for step-parents to sit separately from their partners, provided that they were next to other family or friends.

However, given that your mother can't be there I think it would look like a deliberate snub to your stepmother not to invite her to sit at the top table, especially if you leave what would have been your mother's seat free. I think you are thinking of what your mother might want. That's perfectly understandable, but she is gone. Your father will be there and it would be a nice gesture to invite his wife to sit with him You get on with her OK even if your mother didn't. It would be different if you hated each it her.

If you can't bring yourself to invite her to be on the top table, then don't have one. I'd never heard of a 'sweetheart table' but it sounds ghastly to me. Three 'top tables' sounds a better option.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/06/2020 23:32

@Alsohuman

It just means there wasn't Room

There’d have been Room for her mum, wouldn’t there?

But Clariana doesn't say who was in the seat her sds mom would have been in Perhaps she had seine who could represent her Mom like her sister or grandmother.

ShyTown · 18/06/2020 23:34

I’m so sorry about your mum but I think regardless of circumstance, you can’t ask someone to sit on a separate table to their spouse. I’d suggest a sweetheart table for just the 2 of you or you have a table with your closest friends/wedding party and that parents each host their own table.

LockdownLemon · 18/06/2020 23:35

Clarissa - I think you are being unfair to your DSD. If she only had 8 seats, who did you think should be left off the top table so you could sit there? I'm sure you knew enough people at the wedding to be able to sit apart from your DH for a few hours. Please don't be one of those people who holds a grudge when somebody else's wedding plans aren't to their liking, or thinks because they've given some cash that should mean they get to decide what happens.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/06/2020 23:40

@ShyTown

Why not? Why can't an adult sit on a table with her daughter and family/friends for a few hours?

user1473878824 · 18/06/2020 23:40

When we rebook our wedding our top table will consist of me, future DH (as in at that point DH, I’m not planning that far ahead), his parents, best man, my bridesmaids and mother. My father will be sitting at another table though I don’t think he’s twigged this yet.

It’s your wedding and you can do what you want but personally I would have her on there, she’s not a new addition to your dad’s life, but keep your mother’s seat free, or have you dad there and then mix others around.

MadameMeursault · 18/06/2020 23:51

@Clariana

We had the same situation, I am the step-mum, DH's daughter getting married and wanted him to sit at the top table and me not, because there wasn't room for more than 8. This was after we had made a substantial financial contribution to her wedding cost. DH, with no comment from me at all, refused and said we would sit together at another table.

So everything was fine.....except I now know she doesn't see me as family despite all I have done for her over the years.

This is way over-sensitive. You may be family but you’re not her parent. Financial contribution shouldn’t come into it. What, you think you can buy a place at the top table? The wedding isn’t about step-parents, it’s about the bride and groom.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 18/06/2020 23:52

Just a word of caution about a sweetheart table - a friend had one and hated it. She felt like they were either being stared at or ignored. I think they ended up feeling a bit out of it - as she pointed out, they were going to eat dinner just the two of them for the rest of their lives anyway!

Alsohuman · 18/06/2020 23:55

This is way over-sensitive

No it isn’t. I’d have felt exactly the same. Weddings are about families too.

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