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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding top table

113 replies

AliBear90 · 18/06/2020 19:29

My partner and I are getting married in 2022. I know we won’t be doing seating plans for a long time... but, what would be the best thing here? My parents divorced when about 20 years ago. My father remarried about 10 years ago. I get along with his wife fine but we don’t talk other than when we see them maybe once a month or so and we’re not particularly close. My mum passed away 2 years ago. The top table at the venue can only seat the traditional 8. I however don’t really want my step mother sat in my mums place as they never got along and I feel it’s wrong. It would also likely make me feel uncomfortable. I was considering asking my sister to sit in my mums seat or leaving it empty as a nod to my mum, who I was extremely close to. Is it rude to ask my dads wife to sit at one of the other tables (close to the top table with her daughter and grandchildren)? And what would you do in this situation? I feel she may get upset / mad if I don’t seat her at the top table.

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 18/06/2020 23:57

Whilst i understand your desire to honour your mum and not have this lady appear to take her place, it is really poor taste to separate a married couple. It’s like you are disregarding their marriage while celebrating your own, and that’s not what weddings are about.

It will make them very uncomfortable if your in laws are both there and she is obviously excluded. People will comment in whispers and she’ll feel it. Also if your dad is contributing to your wedding or otherwise it is coming from her household budget.. maybe he isn’t.

Your wedding planner should be able to help you with seating plans as I’m sure they’ve had this scenario before but I agree you need to get creative and lose the traditional top table
Have each set of parents hosting a table of their own at an angle to the bridal party table. Or don’t have a top table at all. Just seat people where they are most likely to be comfortable. They’ll come away thinking it was best wedding ever.

It’s all about respect and weddings should be about harmony. You want people to look back on your day and love it. Not have a hurt feeling in the pit of their stomach.

blubberyboo · 18/06/2020 23:58

Ps why not involve her in a small way in the preparations by giving her a small job to organise.. it might bring you closer

GreenTulips · 19/06/2020 00:09

I really don’t like separating couples on wedding tables

How many wedding did you have?

I wouldn’t care if I was sat next to my husband or not for a dinner. We aren’t fixed at the hip.

And all this ‘one big happy family joining together’ verses ‘must be sat next to someone they know well’

What’s wrong with getting to know new people

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/06/2020 00:20

Honestly, before my SD got married I would have said absolutely, do what you want to do.

Then my SD got married, DH was of course on the top table, I was on a siblings table between my DC, another DC, opposite his mum's BF who had no social skills at all, and two along from the groom's sister who only cared about her BF. It was brutal, I ended up drinking far too much because no-one was talking to me, then crowned the traditional Scottish final dance by falling on my arse which people are apparently still talking about.

My actual family were all on another table, which is my point. It's absolutely fine not to put your SM on the top table, but make sure she's put somewhere lovely if you don't want trouble to ensue.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 19/06/2020 00:21

Not unreasonable at all. Have your sister there or have the seat empty as you suggested OP

bridgetreilly · 19/06/2020 00:34

Yes, it would be rude and unkind to ask your stepmother to sit elsewhere. She's not in your mum's place, she's there as your father's partner.

Samtsirch · 19/06/2020 00:36

I think the important point of your op is that it would make you feel uncomfortable.
The wedding is yours and your husbands, so do what you both are comfortable with.
Every one else will find their own way of getting over it.

bridgetreilly · 19/06/2020 00:37

It just means there wasn't Room

Unless the OP pointedly leaves a seat empty just to rub it in that she REALLY didn't want her father's wife to sit next to him.

Samtsirch · 19/06/2020 00:40

Or just that she’s honouring her mother’s memory, and grieving the fact that her mother isn’t there to witness her wedding, bridge.

Alsohuman · 19/06/2020 00:43

@bridgetreilly

It just means there wasn't Room

Unless the OP pointedly leaves a seat empty just to rub it in that she REALLY didn't want her father's wife to sit next to him.

Exactly this. Every single person in the room would be asking why the chair was empty and why the father of the bride’s wife was sitting elsewhere. If I was put in that position I just wouldn’t go. It would be excruciating.
caringcarer · 19/06/2020 00:48

On the top table the bride's mother sits next to grooms father and grooms mother sits next to bride's father.

If you snub your Dad's new wife you will put strain on your relationship with your Dad.

BeingLonely · 19/06/2020 00:50

I would leave it empty as a nod to your mum and have your dads wife on a table close by. It’s only for a meal, once that’s down people sit where they want.

Casualbride · 19/06/2020 01:02

I would no way have an empty chair and her sat somewhere else, as others have said that’s a very pointed snub. Surely what your mum would have wanted more than anything would be for you to relax and enjoy your day, not causing potential rifts/offence on her account?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/06/2020 01:09

Agree with don't leave it empty, it will look aimed at SM rather than as a nod to your DM. Have you got a photo of her that you could put in a nice frame and have somewhere so you can see her throughout the day?

strugglingwithdeciding · 19/06/2020 01:20

I thought when you had parents on top table your dad sat next to new mill and vice versa like a joining of families ?
But it's upto you really we had my parents and my dh mum and sd and also his dad ( no partner as didn't have one ) and our best man
That's all we could fit on and I was criticised for not having best mans wife at table but there wasn't room and that's not even traditional , I sat her on table at front with people she knew ( she was actually fine with it )
But your wedding so you can do what you like but if leaving out step mum maybe have a word with your dad first to explain or go for no top table or other options as people have suggested some of them sound like good ideas

confusedbymyheritage · 19/06/2020 03:04

OP i completely get why you don't want your SM on the top table. She isn't your mum and if would feel like replacing her, and by the sounds of it she hasn't acted as a motherly figure to you so as far as your relationship goes really is just 'dads wife' rather than you two actually having any bond. If you do decide to leave an empty seat to honour your mum then I'd put a lovely photo of her on the table at that seat so it's clear that's it's representing her presence at your wedding.

As far as your dad goes I would tell him that you want him on the top table as he is your father and you'd love him to be there to celebrate with you. I'd explain about the empty chair for your mum and that SM will be said with her kids and grandkids so will not be alone in any capacity. I would strongly stress that this is what your really want and would make you happy on your day but then add that if he really doesn't want to be separated from his wife that you're happy to sit him with her on one of the other tables (but not for her to join him at the top table).

This way you've expressed your wants for your wedding and what would be your preference but are also showing you've thought ahead about them being separated for the meal and are giving him an 'out' if he really wants to sit with her, rather than him having to tell you this, but equally without leaving the option open to her being on the top table.

Oriunda · 19/06/2020 03:16

I’m married to an Italian, and usually the couple sit on their own. They hardly get any time to sit down anyway, as mingling. We actually had two tables set up, one at each end of the room. We did first two courses at one end and then moved to the other.

Worked fine because we got to see all of our guests and our families were happy and able to sit with family and not be stuck on the
top.

Yeahnahmum · 19/06/2020 04:48

Stop acting like a kid and let your dad and his wife for ten bloody years sit at the 'top table' (who invented that anyway..Envy) and put out an extra seat, an empty one, and leave it empty for your mum. That way she can be there, in spirit. Or just, you know, bin the whole top table idea and just sit amongst your guests instead of pretending to be the king and queen looking down on the common folks

And a sweat heart table that pp have suggested: no way. Singleing them out to sit lonely. No way. Have some respect for your dad.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 19/06/2020 05:01

I went to a wedding where husband was the best man. He was sat on the top table and I was sat on my own with a load of kids - like Ross in friends! It's not great to separate couples so I'd seat them together

confusedbymyheritage · 19/06/2020 05:19

@Yeahnahmum

Wow, no reason to be so mean to the OP.

She's clearly feeling conflicted about this, hence asking for others advice before going in.

SM may be her dads wife but if OP has no meaningful relationship with her then she has every right to not want her on her limited number table on her own wedding day in favour of someone who means more to her. They may have been married for 10 years but if the SM hasn't cultivated any kind of relationship with the OP then she's still really a stranger to her even if she is her dads wife.

Even if she doesn't have a top table she will still want to pick the people who mean the most to her and her DH to sit at the table with them for their wedding breakfast. There's no 'looking down' about it, it's common tradition to have a top table, people have every right to reject tradition they don't like but equally to follow ones they do like/believe in at their own wedding.

You're also completely misunderstanding the concept of a sweetheart table. It's not singling out her dad and SM to sit together, they'd be at a regular table mixed with the rest of the guests. A sweetheart table is the bride and groom sitting together with no one else, you know, the sweethearts who just got married.

Yeahnahmum · 19/06/2020 05:26

Oops my bad about the sweetheart table then Blush @confusedbymyheritage.

Still think the top table should be banned though :) creating such a divide. Maybe it is a cultural thing i guess.

Notcrackersyet · 19/06/2020 06:10

The empty seat can’t be a lot of fun for the people stuck either side of it

katienana · 19/06/2020 06:49

I wouldnt leave a place empty as it's not fair on the people next to it. Traditionally the order goes
Bridesmaid - father of groom - mother of bride - groom - bride - brides father - mother of groom - best man
So parents on the newlyweds don't sit together anyway. If you really dont want her on the top table then you have to do something different I think. If you can live with it, then ask her if she would prefer to sit with her family and put your sister in thstvspot but be prepared for her to say she'd like to be on the top table.
I like the traditional set up means you can see everyone during the reception and it's like a stage for when you give speeches

Original poster
AliBear90 · 19/06/2020 07:14

Okay thanks for all the advice. I won’t leave the seat empty and will honour my mum a different way as apparently an empty seat is offensive. So it will be either my sister to step in for / represent my mum (my sister who would be happy to sit for one meal away from her husband and children). Or my stepmother which would make me feel slightly uncomfortable but whatever. Also this person will not be sat next to my father, who again I’m extremely close to. They’ll be sat next to FIL in the traditional way as that’s the way I want the seating. I like the suggestion of just round tables etc. However our venue doesn’t currently have enough as it is a large wedding (over 100 guests to the day part). Thanks everyone for your advice

OP posts:
Smithlets80 · 19/06/2020 07:22

Another vote for no top table. I’m in the same situation as the op as my mum passed away a long time before we got married (although I love my step-mum). We sat on a round table with our friends and we had a scream! Both sets of parents hosted their own tables and it worked really well.

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