Teen friend demanding birthday money

[innerturmoil]

My daughter is 17 and has a friend that she has known since they were in reception. Over the years they haven't been as close as she is quite difficult and has bullied people in the past but they have mutual friends even though they don't still go to the same school. Anyway on some birthdays in the past the friendship group may have clubbed together to buy a joint present. The friend had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and obviously they didn't get together as a group due to lockdown. However the friend has since sent a flurry of bullying messages to the individuals in the group asking for birthday money. My daughter has so far ignored the messages but it's getting to the point where the friend is giving her bank details without being asked and expecting everyone to pay up. I don't think my daughter should send her money and it feels like this girl is being really rude. What do other teen parents think.

@mrsm43s

If this friend contributed to or bought by herself a present for your daughter for her birthday, and then your daughter hasn't acknowledged or bought a present on this girls birthday (which has probably been particularly hard due to lockdown), then your daughter is a pretty shabby friend tbh, and the girl has every right to be hurt and upset. If everyone in the group has ignored her birthday, then even more so, and that sounds like bullying.

Shouting and screaming and demanding money isn't the right reaction, of course. However, this girl is hurt and 17, and let's be honest, 17 year olds make mistakes, and behave in ways that their adult selves will look back at and cringe over.

The friend has been treated pretty shabbily by the group, and really everyone should be apologising for forgetting her birthday. I imagine she's really pretty hurt.

Go back and read the thread, you have just made up an entire senario! No one forgot her b-day, and no one else got presents or a party during lock down, and they did sent her bday messages

What is it with people not reading the Op's posts, but making up their own crap and commenting on it

I'd threaten to tell her parents, tbh.
Maybe they'd like to know what she is doing.
Tell dd just to ignore her or block her.
Maybe start another group with just her friends.

Tbf, a lot of the posters immediately assuming the OP's daughter and her friendship group are angels and victims are also extrapolating a bit.

As I said, obviously the daughter will have shown her parents the threatening messages and presumably the parents will contact the other girl's parents.

As a teacher of about 230 teenage girls, that's what I'd do. As a mother of one, I'd do it without asking MN if I should. I'd show them the messages too.

Tell her parents. That's unacceptable behaviour. She needs to be brought down to earth. Your dd should block her and then you address this with her parent. Poor diddums didnt get presents so she throws her toys. She is a bully, she doesnt deserve anything. I can't believe her sense of entitlement.

Of course not.

If you know where her mum lives I would call/contact her (assuming she still lives at home.)

A present is one thing, though shouldn't be asked for/demanded. But to demand friends give actual money!

OP, I would not contact the girl’s parents as it could cause embarrassment for your dd. Usually by the time girls are 17 they have sorted the whole friendship issue and can manage situations like the one you have described without parental involvement.

You don’t give to receive and demanding a gift is rude.

Do you know the girls mum op?

Interesting that you say she is not particularly close to the group any more; sounds as if she's clinging on despite the group naturally drifting apart. You say that she is not super close to some of those she is targeting? I wonder if she sent more than a message herself, to others who have had lockdown birthdays. If her feelings are genuinely hurt (I get that emotions have been heightened by lockdown) she should have been told, gently, that the dignified response is to resolve not to send presents to people who haven't sent one to you, not in a "tit for tat" way, but acknowledging that everybody's life is moving on.

Rude & utterly classless to ask for money.
Also she is v foolish to send on bank information.

Maybe send on her bank details to that member of the foreign royal family that emails strangers (victims!) occasionally looking for assistance with his terrible & unexpected financial predicament that requires temporary lodgment of a few thou to his account which will be returned asap a thousand fold. Maybe he has now got his billions out of his own country & is flush to send the entitled 17 yr old a money present. And she might meet a real live prince (or royal) into the bargain! 😂

I would not contact the parents of a 17 (turning 18?) year old.
Just advise your daughter to decide if she wants to let the friendship die or not. They are almost adults and need to sort this out themselves. It's your daughters decision.

Have decided to stay out of it. DD thinks that possibly someone else in the group panicked and said 'Oh we were going to do something together!' which obviously didn't materialise. DD will drop a small gift and card round rather than the money.

But it's never been a 'system' always quite ad hoc - friend may have contributed to a joint present here and there and now feels she wants payback. Personally I advocate giving presents to people you really like, and if you get invited to a party, not just because you are guilt tripped!