Teen friend demanding birthday money

[innerturmoil]

My daughter is 17 and has a friend that she has known since they were in reception. Over the years they haven't been as close as she is quite difficult and has bullied people in the past but they have mutual friends even though they don't still go to the same school. Anyway on some birthdays in the past the friendship group may have clubbed together to buy a joint present. The friend had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and obviously they didn't get together as a group due to lockdown. However the friend has since sent a flurry of bullying messages to the individuals in the group asking for birthday money. My daughter has so far ignored the messages but it's getting to the point where the friend is giving her bank details without being asked and expecting everyone to pay up. I don't think my daughter should send her money and it feels like this girl is being really rude. What do other teen parents think.

I don't like the sound of them clubbing together for some people but not others. It's rude of her to demand money, obviously, but how would your daughter feel if she'd chipped in for other people but got nothing when it came to her birthday? Probably upset, perhaps bullied. Not all bullying takes the form of verbal abuse or violence, excluding someone or treating them unfavourably is a form of it too.

I don't know why you're getting involved tbh. Your DD and the other friends will know the dynamic of the group much better than you do. If they aren't going to get her a present this year although they usually do then they just need to be honest and say 'no present this year, I don't have enough money/time/liking for you'
A lot of nuance can be lost in text messages but I'm not sure suggesting people gift you birthday money (when they have in the past) counts as bullying. Cheeky. Pushy. Yy but not bullying and I don't think we do our teens or DCs any favours when exaggerate every unpleasant interaction.

Hahaha, just voted and realised I'm in a minority of one here, so perhaps best you listen to everyone else and not me!

I would want to know whether the girl has been donating money for other presents over the last year - if she has then I can see why she thought she'd get a present. But demanding money isn't the way around it!

Just tell her to fuck off and to stop being a grabby twat.

If the friend group usually does birthday gifts and this girl has paid out to others, then your dd should pay up. It’s not fair to expect people to pay out for birthdays but then not receive anything when it’s their birthday.

This is such a clinical (and rude) attitude to take. Gifts are gifts, it's about the intention. Not something anyone is owed! Ever heard the phrase 'don't give to receive'?

A good lesson for your daughter in how to ignore bullshit.

I would send one word back. Rude.

So, no other lockdown birthday has had presents, group or otherwise? And group presents have always been hit and miss anyway?

Cheeky mare!

If your Dd is brave she could just reply, publicly, that she won't be doing that, a gift is a gift, not a response to a demand!

But I am very biased, I haven't done gifts or cards for decades!

Perhaps a suggestion that all girls will meet up after the lockdown to celebrate all the birthdays missed? Or even a socially distanced picnic when the weathers good? But I wouldnt send money.

They are 17?

Is that correct?

Not 7?

Someone suggested telling her mother...
Really 😂

They need to sort it out themselves ... Christ

No way.

She can have a present if and when she has a birthday party.

Suggest to your dd, she talks to the friendship group about what to do, so they are on the same page.

That’s very rude of her, and very grabby and entitled. Sending bank details?!

I guess one way to end the situation is for the friends to jointly send some Belated flowers. You can get some from Next for £25, so five friends would be £5 each, a lot cheaper than probably what she is expecting per person.

Alternatively, just send a ‘don’t be rude, and grabby’ message back, and block.

I'd be advising your daughter to message back "uh, grabby much?" And leave it at that!!

I'm not sure we're getting the full picture here. It's possible this girl has contributed to lots of birthday presents and now sees she got nothing, not even a card. Try and see it from her side, OP.

An almost adult sent a message to her group of friends asking for money?
How bizarre.
The group sounds fairly toxic anyway giving some people presents and not others. That would have been when parents should have stepped in to point out what a nasty thing that is, but as that horse has bolted and out of the blue the friend is going "where's my joint birthday present" I'd tell my own daughter to ignore but to maybe not let myself get involved in passive aggressive 'lets get A something" "let's not bother with B" in future as it will only lead to more nastiness.

No need to debate this, the girl is ill mannered.and cheeky, and does not deserve money, or friends for that matter.

Or, as Cadent says.
There will probably be a very different other side of the story.

If my daughters behaved like that at any age I'd be mortified. I'd leave whether or not to get anything to my daughter. I suspect she would get her a present (not money though) but wouldn't initiate any further contact with the girl. I would also point out the problems associated with normalized group presents when someone in the group is on the outs, temporarily or permanently, at the time of their birthday.

Rereading the OP, tbh it sounds such a bizarre context that I'd be digging to see if a) my own daughter was being blackmailed by this friend
b) my own daughter needs money for something.

reply to the effect that given the times, your daughter has contributed to xx charity instead of giving birthday gifts.

and then block. Entitled little madam.

How very rude of her!
I hope your DD continues to ignore her blatant begging.

She clearly needs a lesson on the concept of a gift.

I'd be mortified if that was my DD 17 or not. I can't stand grabby cheeky fuckery.

To coin an old mumsnet favourite, "Fuck off" is a complete sentence (that's directed at grabby teen, not you OP).

I’d contact her parents and suggest they have a word with their (bullying) daughter. Hassling people for money because she thinks she’s ‘owed’ is at best rude and at worst, verging on criminal.