Teen friend demanding birthday money

[innerturmoil]

My daughter is 17 and has a friend that she has known since they were in reception. Over the years they haven't been as close as she is quite difficult and has bullied people in the past but they have mutual friends even though they don't still go to the same school. Anyway on some birthdays in the past the friendship group may have clubbed together to buy a joint present. The friend had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and obviously they didn't get together as a group due to lockdown. However the friend has since sent a flurry of bullying messages to the individuals in the group asking for birthday money. My daughter has so far ignored the messages but it's getting to the point where the friend is giving her bank details without being asked and expecting everyone to pay up. I don't think my daughter should send her money and it feels like this girl is being really rude. What do other teen parents think.

I agree with @contrmary. I do see why she's being seen as rude but also, she's a 17 year old girl. She may be 'almost an adult' but she's still growing and learning emotionally. I would definitely feel excluded if I'd contributed to my friend groups birthday gifts then mine was pretty much ignored except for a few messages on social media and I'm 22. It may be said that you 'don't give to receive' but let's be realistic with your close friends you do expect a present unless explicitly discussed that you don't do presents. Everyone does. It's just something kind you do for a friend. I wouldn't expect this behaviour from an adult but I'd shrug it off from a teen. I certainly wouldn't be contacting her parents or telling her to fuck off as some posters have suggested.

You can’t demand a birthday present. Maybe from your parent or partner. I can’t believe anyone would be so entitled as to demand money in payment for their having a bloody birthday!

It is rude but it’s an important detail to know if the whole friendship group has been clubbing together for all their birthdays in the last year.
If she had contributed to, say, six gifts over the last year and then received nothing, she might be aggrieved.

I suspect that’s not the case and she’s a cheeky madam.

So not one person in the group started a discussion about a joint present and no one got her an individual present? I bet she's hurt and lashing out.

I’m amazed at the sense of entitlement here and that anyone thinks it’s ever OK to demand a gift/cash.

I wouldn't be surprised if she expected something for her birthday, was told that it was too expensive and to save for it herself. What with lockdown making many people skint.
Now she's pestering her friends for money so that she can buy it sooner.

But yes, it's incredibly rude. I wouldn't send her anything after that.

It’s not difficult at all. She’s a horrible person and your DD should distance herself from the friendship.

I think there's going to be a massive other side to the story.
Which the OP is never going to hear.

Can your daughter block her? My eldest is having her birthday in lockdown -no presents asked for. No presents demanded. She was going to have a weekend in London - etc that's not happening - has she demanded £500 or whatever in exchange no! and she's wouldn't dream of it. Gosh I'd be fuming. I'd be making a donating to charity on her behalf!

I gave DDs 16 & 19 and no way would that be acceptable in their friendship groups. They sometimes got gifts on birthdays and sometimes didn’t, just like every other human. A gift should never be expected, she’s a bully.

Op didn't sound clear herself, some birthdays they may have done a joint present.

Get them to donate to NHS charities in her name.

I think lockdown birthdays are hard but I don't think it justifies a 17 year old demanding money. She may feel sorry for herself but I would hope a parent/carer points out that everyone has a lot of stress at the moment & many have money worries so her expectation is unreasonable.

Agree 100% with @MummytoCSJH

Your DD was quite mean to have not contributed to a present if this girl contributes to presents for the group. I would be pissed off if I was this girl. No, the whole bank details thing isn't right and is rude but she is an annoyed 17 year old girl. Tell your DD just to say no, she won't be transferring any money and......buy this girl a small present to make up for being mean.

@TW2013 your suggestion of an etiquette and manners book had me absolutely howling with laughter - OP, please do that, it is the BEST thing I have read on here all day

What a rude girl. Absolutely do not pay her. Verrucca Salt behaviour!

I'd tell your daughter to not respond, not send any money and block her, she sounds a greedy entitled madam. I'm shocked she is 17, it sounds bad enough behaviour for a 13yr old, but 17, unbelievable.

Those saying she deserves to feel upset need to remember that you don’t give to receive.

She's being incredibly rude.
It's very bad manners to demand a present or money. Regardless of if the group have brought anything for anyone else.
Honestly I would be encouraging your child to block her for a while. And no way would I send anything.

She sounds rude. She gets blanked is what she gets.

Those assuming the OP's daughter is telling her mother the whole story need to perhaps consider the other side.

There may be an avaricious girl who is almost blackmailing her friendship group by demanding money be paid into her bank account.

There may be a girl who has contributed to other group presents over the years and now feels left out.

They may be the same person.

As the bank account and demanding a monetary gift is so very wrong, obviously the girl's parents should be told this is what she's doing.

I'd offer to do that on behalf of your daughter and the other victims if I were you OP.

And see what the response is.

Cheeky little sod, give her nothing. And I would be backing off from the friendship if I was your DD! Surely everyone understands that in the current climate, buying and dropping off gifts isn't at the top of anyones list. Even if it weren't for the pandemic, gifts aren't something to be demanded and if someone decides not to give you a gift one year then that's that!

This girl sounds awful and no doubt she'll be drama drama drama in the coming years.

Of course it's diabolical behaviour (though I can see why someone's feelings would be hurt if a joint present is the norm, demanding money is still hugely out of line).

But have we stopped to think about WHY she might be demanding money? O is there any chance that there is something else in play here, that means she needs money more than most?

What exactly did the messages say, OP?
I presume your daughter showed you?

I'd tell DD to simply ignore her.