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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teen friend demanding birthday money

111 replies

innerturmoil · 18/06/2020 13:26

My daughter is 17 and has a friend that she has known since they were in reception. Over the years they haven't been as close as she is quite difficult and has bullied people in the past but they have mutual friends even though they don't still go to the same school. Anyway on some birthdays in the past the friendship group may have clubbed together to buy a joint present. The friend had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and obviously they didn't get together as a group due to lockdown. However the friend has since sent a flurry of bullying messages to the individuals in the group asking for birthday money. My daughter has so far ignored the messages but it's getting to the point where the friend is giving her bank details without being asked and expecting everyone to pay up. I don't think my daughter should send her money and it feels like this girl is being really rude. What do other teen parents think.

OP posts:

DisobedientHamster · 18/06/2020 15:02

This isn't tricky or a difficult one at all. It is always fucking rude to demand money out of people as a gift, much less over and over. No one owes you that. I'm the parent of a teen, it's my job to teach her not to be a pushover or allow bullying cheeky fuckers to manipulate you. I'd ignore EVERY single one of these demands. Fuck that!

DisobedientHamster · 18/06/2020 15:05

@Cadent

I'm not sure we're getting the full picture here. It's possible this girl has contributed to lots of birthday presents and now sees she got nothing, not even a card. Try and see it from her side, OP.

That's what a gift is, you do it of your own free will, not a quid pro quo. If you feel taken advantage of in that respect, then you withdraw from contributing to group gifts in the future, but you don't hassle people for money as a gift no matter what. That's a shitty thing to do.

Viviennemary · 18/06/2020 15:07

I would phone her parents. She needs to be stopped.

DisobedientHamster · 18/06/2020 15:15

@countchocula

If the friend group usually does birthday gifts and this girl has paid out to others, then your dd should pay up. It’s not fair to expect people to pay out for birthdays but then not receive anything when it’s their birthday.

This is such a clinical (and rude) attitude to take. Gifts are gifts, it's about the intention. Not something anyone is owed! Ever heard the phrase 'don't give to receive'?

Exactly! A gift is given (it's not fucking 'gifted') freely and is not about fairness or expecting something in return or a loan (like the baby clothes thread) that can called back in at will. NO strings attached.

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/06/2020 15:17

I would just politely appraise her parents OP, asking for money and giving bank details is too much. If your DD doesn't want to be friends with her though and doesn't want to celebrate her bday then I don't see the need to be in contact at all or why she is occasionally encouraging it and other times not. Not very fair on her and no benefits to your DD either.

Immigrantsong · 18/06/2020 15:20

I really feel for young people during lockdown. This is probably her way to lash out at what she perceives injustice and being forgotten. If she was a friend, why not get your DD to get a little present and maybe have a little zoom chat to say happy birthday, but that the way this whole thing was done was not the right way to go about it? She sounds in need of live and attention and at that age teens can go about expressing their feelings the wrong way. She will learn with time, but if your DD can be nice, please encourage her to be the bigger person.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 18/06/2020 15:21

Even if they do usually do a group present, I don't think that gives anyone the right to demand they are sent money. It takes a right cf to have such a brass neck.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 18/06/2020 15:22

I wouldn't be encouraging my dd to be nice or the bigger person when it comes to a demanding bully like that. I would be encouraging her to ditch her for good.

SirVixofVixHall · 18/06/2020 15:22

How unspeakably rude. If my teenage dd started sending people her bank details and demanding birthday money I would feel I had totally failed as a parent tbh.
Ignore, and drop the friend.

mrsm43s · 18/06/2020 15:42

If this friend contributed to or bought by herself a present for your daughter for her birthday, and then your daughter hasn't acknowledged or bought a present on this girls birthday (which has probably been particularly hard due to lockdown), then your daughter is a pretty shabby friend tbh, and the girl has every right to be hurt and upset. If everyone in the group has ignored her birthday, then even more so, and that sounds like bullying.

Shouting and screaming and demanding money isn't the right reaction, of course. However, this girl is hurt and 17, and let's be honest, 17 year olds make mistakes, and behave in ways that their adult selves will look back at and cringe over.

The friend has been treated pretty shabbily by the group, and really everyone should be apologising for forgetting her birthday. I imagine she's really pretty hurt.

AhhCorona · 18/06/2020 15:46

My teen DDs have both had lock down birthdays - we've chatted about expectations, no such thing as normal, birthdays change some years are big others less so. And we've talked about friendship groups changing particularly in the teen years and how that is sad but also positive, a time for change and growth.

NO way I'd be encouraging my DDs to get trapped in a never ending birthday /xmas buying for childhood friends moving into acquaintance territory.

OldeMagick · 18/06/2020 15:52

Send an IOU for £1.00

MzHz · 18/06/2020 15:56

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays

I wouldn't be encouraging my dd to be nice or the bigger person when it comes to a demanding bully like that. I would be encouraging her to ditch her for good.

Absolutely this ^

Windyatthebeach · 18/06/2020 16:04

Gift box and leave on her doorstep a £coin.

SE13Mummy · 18/06/2020 16:17

I think the demanding teen probably needs to have each of the others spell it out to her that none of those who had lockdown birthdays received group gifts and that they're not in a position to make up for the various birthdays so won't be sending any money. Unless something is said, she won't have the opportunity to learn that this makes people uncomfortable.

Perhaps a combined end of lockdown/birthday picnic could be suggested as a way of marking all the uncelebrated birthdays? My DD (15, so younger than the group in question) and friends have been making cakes and dropping them off on the birthday teen's front door step. They hope to eventually celebrate together but the effort of a homemade cake seems to be popular amongst her friends.

Pugsrus · 18/06/2020 16:18

If that’s what the girls always do ,then they should do something for this girl .
Although she is being rude ,she’s probably very hurt

Durgasarrow · 18/06/2020 16:21

That could be rude, but it is true that if she has contributed to other people's gifts and now she's not getting a gift, then she is getting the short straw as it were.

Durgasarrow · 18/06/2020 16:23

I agree her behavior is rude and outrageous, but I'll bet her feelings are hurt.

Allflightscancelled · 18/06/2020 16:23

What??? You know this is a birthday gift, not a bill???

BluebellForest836 · 18/06/2020 16:24

Did she get your DD anything for her last birthday?

If it’s a yes then I’d buy a little something and give it to her. If she didn’t then I would just tell her she’s not sending money.

I think she’s rude as other people’s birthdays haven’t been marked since lockdown but I’d just find out if she gave your daughter something for her last birthday or not

ConkerGame · 18/06/2020 16:24

OP this girl is trouble. I would strongly suggest that you encourage your daughter to drop the friendship. If she’s like this now, who knows what crazy demands she’ll make of her as they get older.

Pugsrus · 18/06/2020 16:24

My daughters friends always clubbed together for birthdays ,my daughter always paid for other girls birthdays ,and 9 times out of 10 they forgot hers
I really wished my daughter would find better friends ,but she didn’t
They are adults now and still friends,but I wish my daughter had said something,or stood up for herself
Could be this is not the first time the girls have forgotten this girls birthday ,and it could be a way of bullying her .
Just a thought

Fightthebear · 18/06/2020 16:25

I was going to ask the same question as Bluebell. Did she buy your dd a gift last birthday?

If yes, rude not to reciprocate. If not she’s being grabby and ignore.

BluebellForest836 · 18/06/2020 16:26

@pugsrus - did you miss the part when OP said that other people’s birthdays have also been missed recently. So she’s hardly constantly putting in and making the effort for the other friends.

zukiecat · 18/06/2020 16:26

This sounds just like my mother, she demands money for Xmas, Birthdays and even Mother's Day, if we don't give her money she phones me up just to have a go at me and to tell me that whatever I may have bought is no use to her, she doesn't want it, and that only money is acceptable.

She has been a nightmare my whole life, and I'm very low contact with her now.

I would tell your daughter that anyone demanding money is not a true friend, she can give her a gift if she chooses, but not money if she doesn't want to.

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