MIL ignores my instructions... again

[84teacher]

My daughter is 17 months old and ever since she was born there has been friction between my boyfriend's mother and I; its as if she has no regard for any routines or instructions I give, and does as she pleases. I could handle this if my boyfriend backed me up but he never does, he thinks I am unreasonable... am I?

Many things have happened and each time I have raised the issue with my boyfriend, but it develops into an argument as he sees it all as harsh criticism of his mother, but I will summarise a few:

MIL turned up at our house with her daughter, son-in-law and elderly neighbour within an hour of us getting home from the hospital. I had been discharged 20 hours after giving birth. My boyfriend had decided that no family were allowed to visit for the first few days - I think he actually meant just MY family. I was not told they were coming, but my boyfriend had been on the phone to them while I was having a nap on the sofa and told them they could visit. I held my baby close and refused to let MIL hold her when she asked; I told her that I needed time to bond with my baby and wouldn't be letting anybody but her father hold her for the first week or so.

For the first month of our baby's life MIL kept visiting unannounced; she had been given a key for our apartment 2 weeks before I went into labour so that she could come and feed our Cats if needed. MIL refused to give the key up until I physically took it from her on the final unannounced visit. During her visits MIL would try and take baby from my breast as she was feeding, she also snook in to the bedroom while I was asleep and took baby from the bassinet to have a cuddle in the living room.

Biggie!!! When baby was 4 months old MIL and SIL came to visit when I had taken her out for a walk; when I returned MIL had come out of the apartment, down 5 flights of stairs and was running towards me screeching and waving her arms. She asked if she could take baby for a walk in the pram on her own. I obliged but informed her that baby would be due a feed soon, so she must be back in 30 minutes. When MIL wasn't back in time I tried to call her phone but it was switched off. SIL and BF were telling me not to panic, and give her more time. After an hour I got my trainers on and sprinted (very difficult with full breasts) around the block to try and find her, she was nowhere to be seen. I returned and sent BF and SIL out in their cars to find her. BF returned with her 4 HOURS AFTER SHE HAD LEFT; it turned out she had been to meet "friends" (my boyfriend's ex-gf and her sister) for coffee in the local park; MIL had also given baby a yoghurt (not even a baby yoghurt, she was solely breastfed and I hadn't started weaning her at that point).

After the incident above I refused to let MIL have any alone time with baby at all until she was 11 months old. MIL had offered to look after her when I returned to work full-time and BF was refusing to use any paid childcare. I let her look after baby for a few hours each afternoon while I caught up with housework. I knew she was struggling, she has no empathy and no patience with children. A few weeks before I was due back at work she turned on the water-works and told BF that she couldn't cope with looking after baby, but then blamed it on me - she said that I had denied her the chance to bond and get to know her granddaughter.

The covid-19 lockdown... MIL turns up unannounced a few times each week and expects to come into the house to see baby; I put my foot down straight away and agree to letting her see her in the garden (even though this is still technically against the law in the UK at that point). She cannot even remember to keep her distance and has to be told numerous times to back off; so I had to be the bad-guy again and insist that she only sees her through the window. We get the water-works again, BF and I don't speak for days because of the argument we had.

The latest... I am falling behind on work at home and we can now form bubbles in the UK, so we agreed that MIL can look after our daughter 2 afternoons each week. As my daughter is now 17 months old she is much more independent, and is able to tell you what she wants (and does not want). This afternoon I dropped her off with a bag of toys, a healthy snack, water cup etc. I gave MIL instructions that she should have her snack at around 3pm, to keep offering her water throughout the afternoon, ensure she is not in the sun for too long - all common-sense stuff really. More background: SIL is VERY obese (has diabetes and asthma because of her weight), MIL is a feeder; for the duration of our relationship I have been amazed at how my MIL instantly offers my BF (38 yo) biscuits, sweets and chocolates as soon as she sees him, and like a little child he never says no and doesn't actually know when to stop eating them. So... I also very clearly told her: NO CHOCOLATE OR BISCUITS! Baby has snacks in the bag, please only offer her them. BF collects baby on his way home from work and returns an hour later than usual; another really annoying trait MIL has is fault-picking, first it was the dreaded wind, then she thought baby had ADHD (I'm a teacher... don't even try this one on me when you have no educational experience Carol!), she is the sort of person who has to play doctor and find something wrong with baby - and it usually stems from something she thinks I am doing wrong. So when BF returns baby is overtired and hungry... - of course she is! If you had come straight home she could've had the dinner that has been ready for over 30 minutes!!! Baby's bib and T-Shirt are covered in CHOCOLATE, her snacks are still in the bag untouched and her sippy-cup smells of cordial. I try to be calm and tell BF that I left his mother with instructions and repeat them to him. He just walks away, mutters something under his breath and then ignores me until baby has gone to bed.

We just had yet another argument. Yes, I understand that a little chocolate once in a while, and a little cordial is probably harmless; but my point is that once again, she has completely disregarded my instructions and done her own thing. I raised the issue of his sister, and the fact that when living with his mother he too was obese. This didn't go down very well but I had to bring it up in my defence. I do not want my child growing up addicted to cake, biscuits and chocolate in the very unhealthy way that her aunty is, and her father was... all because MIL cannot follow simple instructions.

I just feel like I cannot trust this woman at all, and am so angry with my BF that I feel like leaving him. There are other mummy's-boy issues underpinning this that have affected our relationship.

So... thank you for reading. Am I being unreasonable here?

Haven't RTFT, but YANBU in wanting your MIL to follow your instructions regarding snacks etc if the family has a history of obesity. My OH's family are clinically obese and from a very early stage I had to clamp down on them giving too many sweets and crisps and chocolate to our DC. The tipping point came when I discovered our DC had had no proper lunch or tea one day she was with them and instead had been given a massive bag of sweets that she was allowed to plough though all day. I went nuts and made it clear if they couldn't be trusted to feed her properly DC wouldn't be staying over again. It worked, but the difference was my partner was as outraged as I was. To coin a MN cliche, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP one. She acts like she does because your boyfriend backs her over you every time.

I honestly wouldn't let her look after the baby ever again and would tell her where to go! Your partner sounds like a useless drip too TBH.

There are an enormous amount of posters on this thread who just haven’t bothered to read the OP’s posts at all but are quite vehement in demonising OP . If I read another “just pay for childcare” comment, I think I’ll scream and I’m not even the OP !! How about these posters “just read the fucking thread info ”instead.
Your MIL sounds very tiresome and antagonistic but do you still love your other half, or has his inability to put you first killed that love?
Re: you paying £1500 childcare; is he contributing the equivalent amount to your shared finances?
I think in your situation, I’d be quietly making plans to move permanently nearer to my family, and then separate once a job & house were organised. You’re outnumbered by idiots currently.

I don't understand why you expect different from her? She's not ever listened, yet you keep giving chances, your just as much too blame at this point.

Isn't the definition of crazy repeating the same action and expecting a different result? Something needs to change.

OP she's proved too many times she can't be trusted. You've been calmer and more polite than me, any more requests from her just 'no' . You gave her a chance to show if she'd listened to you and taken on board what you said and in 3 hours proved she hasn't. Don't feel any guilt about not allowing her be alone with your DD again. Your BF needs to cop on to himself, I don't know how to help there but you are not in the wrong at all.

I feel sorry for your DP to be honest

Stuck between you and his mother Both of you sound UR in my view

@84teacher what qualities does your DP have that make you want to stay with him? He sadly isn’t going to change the way he views his relationship with his mother, so you need to work out if staying with him is worth it. It sounds like you’re doing it all on your own.

The 4 hour thing is nuts, of course you did the right thing and you would have been allowed to call the police at that point with a missing child and unresponsive grandparent who you were worried had got ill etc

Your DP won't stick up for your and your DD, and refuses to pay towards childcare as he didn't get his own way? He sounds pathetic. Also you gave your MIL another chance and she blew it, which is her fault, so she shouldn't see DD without you there.

Honestly op I’m sorry this is causing you so much distress but you really are just as bad as each other. You’re controlling and over bearing as is your MIL but as dd is your baby is up to you how you parent. I think not letting her hold her newborn first grandchild was incredibly cruel and selfish, I hope when you have a grandchild you are allowed to hold them. But you and your mil are just never going to see eye to eye, she isn’t going to change. It’s going to be an endless source of contention between you and your bf and the only person who will suffer is your dd. You need to either break up with your bf and accept your mil will have access to your dd when she’s with her dad or you need to restrict mil’s access to an afternoon a month and just accept that for that afternoon all bets are off, mil will care for her in her way and while it might not be your way, your dd is safe and loved and developing a bond with her only local grandparent and that’s something your dd will be very grateful fir. Or you can carry on as you are, locking horns with your bf and mil with your dd in the middle. It’ll cause so much resentment between you and your bf, that isn’t a good atmosphere to raise a child.

My ex mother in law was like this.... drove me mad! Both her children were hugely over weight from age 6!
I dumped him in the end it was impossible ... many other reasons we split. He was an absolute child in a mans clothing.
You have every right to be furious. Talk it through with him...

Your daughter. YOUR rules

YANBU. If MIL can't follow a few simple instructions then she shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your little one. You simply stated; No chocolate or unhealthy snacks and that's not unreasonable at all. Children under two years old dont need chocolate or cordial. Stick to your guns OP

OP, I'm sorry so many people are giving you a hard time, especially saying you were unfair, cruel or selfish you didn't let her hold the baby when she first came round.
People seem to forget how hard labour is, how the emotional side of hormones can be awful in the first few weeks, how hard it is to establish breastfeeding.
The fact you were ambushed in your own home within hours of getting home by someone, who lets face it would never have just held the baby for a moment, she would have hogged her for as long as she could. Not caring about the anxiety and stress she was causing you.
A person who then took your EBF for 4 hours for her own selfish reasons.
A person who doesn't respect the wishes of the babies mother at any point.
You do have a DP problem as well as MIL problem.

You are not unreasonable. You are a mother who is working full time, doing what's best for your DD and who is doing this without any good support around her.
What you choose to do next is up to you but you can't keep living this way.

@starfish4

If you can't trust her , you'll either have to sort something out with work, ie unpaid leave or working different hours or look for alternative childcare. Am I right in thinking childminders are back at work? Our local nursery hasn't had many go back, so you may find vacancies there.

Read my posts. I pay for childcare, nursery don't have any space - but I'm still paying a retainer fee. I am working from home. I let MIL look after my daughter for 3 hours. I don't usually do this, she has only had her alone a handful of times.

"Thank you for spending time with our DD but after much consideration I think what's best for DD doesn't seem to be your priority. With this in mind, I think you need to leave... and stay with your mum for the foreseeable future."

@Nomorepies

OP you keep saying you're not using her as childcare- but you are! I appreciate you pay for nursery but you're letting her have her each afternoon so you can work- that's childcare. You say you don't trust her but need to let her have your DD so you can learn to trust her. But you don't and it's not working. You're doing it because it's free. You're bothered about her behaviour but you're allowing it to continue.

She had her for one afternoon. Before I went back to work we trialled her having her each afternoon - that was 6 months ago, and it lasted 3 days before she admitted she couldn't cope.

@Prettybubblesintheair

Honestly op I’m sorry this is causing you so much distress but you really are just as bad as each other. You’re controlling and over bearing as is your MIL but as dd is your baby is up to you how you parent. I think not letting her hold her newborn first grandchild was incredibly cruel and selfish, I hope when you have a grandchild you are allowed to hold them. But you and your mil are just never going to see eye to eye, she isn’t going to change. It’s going to be an endless source of contention between you and your bf and the only person who will suffer is your dd. You need to either break up with your bf and accept your mil will have access to your dd when she’s with her dad or you need to restrict mil’s access to an afternoon a month and just accept that for that afternoon all bets are off, mil will care for her in her way and while it might not be your way, your dd is safe and loved and developing a bond with her only local grandparent and that’s something your dd will be very grateful fir. Or you can carry on as you are, locking horns with your bf and mil with your dd in the middle. It’ll cause so much resentment between you and your bf, that isn’t a good atmosphere to raise a child.

I didn't let her hold baby because I had only given birth 20 hours earlier, I was exhausted and also angry that she had turned up within an hour of me getting home.

I think that given that and my hormones I probably said it quite harshly. In the end it wasn't a week before I let someone else hold baby, it was 2 days and I let my sister hold her while I went for a shower.

After that I offered MIL a cuddle with her but she always declines, she held her at 2 weeks old and was physically shaking - she said she didn't know what to do if she cried. When baby did cry she panicked and almost dropped her, I had to swoop in and grab her before she did.

So there is another reason why I never trusted her, she seemed to be absolutely clueless and far too nervous to be trusted with baby.

There's a serious lack of comprehension on this thread. Either that or people aren't bothering to read the OP's updates.

Those giving OP a hard time for allowing the grandma another chance, isn't that what DiL's are usually advised with overbearing MiL's; compromise and accept that granny is just overexcited and loves the baby.

There does.

Your child can have a perfectly healthy relationship with their grandparents without being left there. I very rarely leave my son with my parents (as in a couple of times, ever). Not because I don't trust them, but because they're in their 70s, he's 2, and it's very rare that I've needed to.

She can still be a grandmother without having the child left with her. The chocolate etc - it's just a way of undermining OP, so why give her the opportunity? If you're there, she can't do it.

As I and numerous other posters have said, there wouldn't have been a next time after she buggered off with GC for 4 hours. I missed it the first time, but meeting up with the ex GF? She's just a trouble maker.

@Ladybyrd

There's a serious lack of comprehension on this thread. Either that or people aren't bothering to read the OP's updates.

Those giving OP a hard time for allowing the grandma another chance, isn't that what DiL's are usually advised with overbearing MiL's; compromise and accept that granny is just overexcited and loves the baby.

There does.

Your child can have a perfectly healthy relationship with their grandparents without being left there. I very rarely leave my son with my parents (as in a couple of times, ever). Not because I don't trust them, but because they're in their 70s, he's 2, and it's very rare that I've needed to.

She can still be a grandmother without having the child left with her. The chocolate etc - it's just a way of undermining OP, so why give her the opportunity? If you're there, she can't do it.

As I and numerous other posters have said, there wouldn't have been a next time after she buggered off with GC for 4 hours. I missed it the first time, but meeting up with the ex GF? She's just a trouble maker.

She has befriended the ex again out of spite when I was pregnant. BF was with the ex for 10 years and they lived with his mother; when we first got together MIL kept badmouthing the ex, the gist I got was that she thought his ex got her own way too often. I had to tell her to stop mentioning the ex all the time as she was still good friends with her sister and insisted on providing us with regular updates. BF told me early in our relationship that they didn't get on because MIL wanted to spend all her time with her son, wanted the ex out of the way and objected to them buying a house that wasn't within walking distance from her. When I was pregnant she befriended the ex again for some unknown reason, started inviting her around to the house and meeting her for lunch etc.

As me and the ex have mutual friends, MIL's badmouthing of me always gets back to me... So I believe she is doing this all out of spite.

Whyohwhydoibother As a lifelong asthmatic i,as a normal weight patient have never been told to lose weight to improve my asthma. I've been on a ventilator due to ARDS. I received 12-years of immunotherapy and not once was losing weight as a treatment mentioned. I received care from a critical care/pulmonologist who never said lose weight.
Weight does make a difference when pressing on the diaphragm restricting movement and affects blood pressure,and stress on the heart as well as fitness. Here in the US focus is on identifying and removing triggers of asthma such as allergens and immunotherapy with or without steroids.

I think your main problem is that you're with a mummy's boy.

@84teacher 100%. And don't doubt she'd be creating the same shitstorm if this was the ex's baby, not yours, or anyone else for that matter. She's clearly not comfortable with relinquishing her title as the leading lady in her son's life.

I think as another poster said, you need to play her at her own game. Be a bit more conniving about it. Rather than locking horns with your partner, better to keep him onside. Arrange alternative childcare, but rather than saying it's because she's a twat, give your own reasons - your daughter needs to socialise with children of her own age etc. She's made it clear she doesn't respect your rules and won't stick to them, so I would remove every opportunity for her to break them. But do it in a nice way way, with a smile on my face. That'll piss her off even more.

Six of one and half dozen of the other. Not allowing her to hold her new grandchild lost me. Only parents to touch her for a week? Insane.

They sound awful especially your boyfriend. Tell him he has to pay for half of the childcare otherwise he can stay at home and look after your child. If you are close to your family I would consider leaving and moving eat to them. BF and his family sound very toxic.

After that I offered MIL a cuddle with her but she always declines, she held her at 2 weeks old and was physically shaking - she said she didn't know what to do if she cried. When baby did cry she panicked and almost dropped her, I had to swoop in and grab her before she did.

Well I'm sorry, but if this was the case, I have no idea why you would leave your daughter with someone when you apparently had to 'swoop' in to rescue her. What changed in the time between this happening and you letting her look after DD that made you think it would be a good idea @84teacher?

Only parents to hold you baby for a week?

You both sound an absolute nightmare