@Happynow001 she's three. He's a much much better father to her now she's older, since she could walk and talk basically - but the newborn period was just awful, he had no patience with how high needs she was and how little I had left over for him. I probably should have tried to share the load with him more but because he was so short-tempered and easily frustrated I didn't want him around her that much - I found his outbursts upsetting and I didn't want her being scared by them or her being impacted by his negativity. That's when it all went wrong, i felt let down and on my own, he felt pushed out.
Really it started with my difficult and prolonged labour, I didn't find him a support or a comfort, just something else to worry about as he couldn't handle how long it was taking and how little control we had over the process. I ended up having a section and left hospital AMA because he was so stressed and miserable being on the crowded, noisy ward (so was I, but I had just been cut in half so could have done with the rest and with being actually discharged by a doctor!). Then when we got home he complained because she wouldn't sleep. I ended up going into the living room with her and sleeping on the sofa (he wouldn't move, nor would he stop complaining, and I couldn't handle it). Then he complained about me putting the heating on in the night (it was January!) because the pipes made noises and he couldn't sleep. I couldn't actually believe anyone could be so selfish to someone they were supposed to love who had been through what I had. But he could only see himself and his own suffering.
Basically I think he is on the spectrum (probably HFA, his sister is diagnosed as such and traits are very similar) with some severe sensory problems especially related to noise and to certain sensations like moisture. I think his issues and ensuing rigidity give him severe anxiety; and I think that is what is responsible for his total inability to cope with certain situations and outbursts of anger.
If he could acknowledge that and seek some diagnosis and treatment, develop some strategies for management, we could be OK. In many ways we are compatible (similar views on the world, similar goals for our children, similar sex drives - or we did until breastfeeding and resentment killed mine off!). I come from a broken home and I know that a split family comes with its own issues, especially as it is not likely to be an amicable split because he'd resent it so much. I don't want my kids to have the same issues I do around that.
I am currently about a month pregnant (yes I know Mumsnet, what was I thinking - I actually do have a form of reasoning, but I'm sure it wouldn't stand up to much scrutiny - fundamentally I want my child to have a sibling and I would NEVER give her a stepfather, and I wouldn't engineer a situation where one of my children has a father in their life and the other doesn't. So it was always going to be him or no-one).
Basically, last week after months of peacefulness and co-operation a MASSIVE tantrum blew up out of nowhere, in front of my daughter, who was very upset. My daughter was crying and shouting at him to stop it and he didn't. I've NEVER felt like such a failure as a mother. I had to take the day off to look after her as he stropped off (it was his day off with her); the humiliation of calling my boss in tears will stay with me a long time (even though she was lovely and patient). I told him that evening that I wouldn't tolerate it any longer, that if we separated I would be willing at this stage to terminate the pregnancy if he insisted he didn't want to be its father on that basis (but that I would be happier to separate and keep the baby). He agreed with me that it was his fault and not acceptable (he knows this when he's level) but that he couldn't promise it would never happen again as he is not rational in those moments which is why he behaves as he does. So at least he is being honest.
I've told him it is not my job or our child's job to manage his moods or walk on eggshells, it is absolutely on him and he has to do something about it but I am not going to do it for him. I told him we could pick it up next week (so this week now) but I needed to see he was taking some sort of steps - so either at least going to a GP and speaking about his behaviour and seeing if he could be medicated for anxiety and see if that helps - he is terrified of medication however and feels it would make him dull and unmotivated and not even notice; or at least doing some reading around anxiety management techniques that we can then discuss and he can implement.
But bottom line is that if anything like that ever happens again I am going to end the relationship. I CAN'T keep saying 'the next time this happens...' and then letting things settle back. I can't. I am already failing my daughter by letting her be in such situations. I just know I won't be able to protect her even as much as I do if he has her 50/50; but perhaps if he has her on his own these things won't happen as it's usually the two of us clashing that escalates it?
Sorry about the ramble and taking over the thread. This is all very raw and there's no--one I can talk to properly as too early to tell anyone re pregnancy, and I don't want people in my life to know about this if we do decide to move forward together as then they'd think I was so irresponsible to continue with pregnancy. I know this makes it all the more likely I'm making bad decisions if I am not comfortable telling my friends about them :( but at least this gives me somewhere to get it all out.