To ask why you divorced your DH

[BarbiesWorld]

Forgive me for asking such an intrusive question, I promise I'm not a journalist.

I've just been juggling bedtime for DD(4) and DS(4 months) again whilst internally wanting to through something hard at DH for being such a useless shit and it got me thinking about what generally causes women to leave their husbands other than cheating.

The emerging themes here:

• Lack of shared housework
• Lack of shared interest in children
• Emotional abuse or emotional stuntedness or lack of kindness

Basically, a woman will love a man who actually helps her out.

At first He was a lazy selfish disrespectful man child
And then he was a cheating violent verbally abusive lazy cheating selfish disrespectful man child

Bereavement (his) > depression > self medicating with alcohol > becoming addicted to it in a big way > turning into a generally awful human being including emotionally abusing DDs.

He died 12 days before decree nisi was pronounced so we were never actually divorced. Life is amazing without him.

From reading the comments on this website , it seems you don’t need a reason.

Blimey this thread is so enlightening as the common theme is men turning into selfish twats when children arrive and seeing any childcare as "women's work ". My first husband was thrilling and dangerous to the 20 year old me but a loud, opinionated, selfish, arrogant, Mummy's Boy to the thirty something me. Always addicted to something - drugs, gambling, even World of Warcraft. I evolved, he didn't. I didn't get to divorce him as he died of a heart attack. I'm not actually sorry and I don't think about him.

@InspectorCluedo the subject has been broached so many times I've lost count. I'm nagging when I ask for help or try and have a proper discussion with him. So I've given up.

He told me once that he resents that the kids come first to me and not him. I'm finding that revelation hard to process still.

I'm happily with my dh but I divorced exDh for being an unfunny (he thought he was hilarious) over emotional,irritating fuck

@BarbiesWorld my DP has said similar. I had no idea before DC came along how much the quality of our relationship depended on me catering to him - diminishing myself, anticipating his needs/wants/triggers, pandering to his insecurities... Once I had a (very demanding) baby all that went out or the window and he really, REALLY resented it. I was stunned that he still felt like the centre of his own world when it seemed so obvious to me that of COURSE her needs should be the priority. I don't think the relationship has ever really recovered fromy realisation of this.

Mine told me if I could be as good at being a wife as I was at being a mother then that would be better for him.

He was violent and unfaithful

• lying
• philandering
• gambling addict
• gaslighting
• financial control
• nasty
• refusing to wash his stinking feet
• jealous
• bullying
• sex pest

@Summersunandoranges I think I might have to read that when I'm slightly less sleep deprived and run down. It's pretty much how I feel all the time though, I don't want to want to leave him because he's (very deep down) a good man but equally I just honestly don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this.

He told me once that he resents that the kids come first to me and not him. I'm finding that revelation hard to process still.

I'd wonder if a man who said that didn't also resent the children for taking attention away from him? That's such a selfish thing to say. I hope you do think about what life could be without him - for your children's sake as well as your own.

1st XH -gambling away our mortgage money, only bathing once a week, trying it on with my best friend, walking out of jobs when we had a small baby and a mortgage...

2nd XH- putting work and golf above all else, treating me like a housekeeper, breaking promises about things that were important to me, farting loudly, obnoxiously and continually...He did wash though.

In retrospect, I picked two men that were the same basic type- mummy's boys (or Little Princelings as I took to calling them).

I don't think DP is like that but with my track record, who knows...

Wow. Where to start?
Married me but always talked about how much he loved a previous girlfriend.
Gaslit me - 'all our friends say how bossy you are' - that wasn't me in the least.
Didn't want kids (I did), made me wait years before he would agree to have them and then went on to resent my attention to them.
Would undermine me with dc.
Never took responsibility for anything. Wouldn't even ring up to order takeaways, never mind choose holidays, so everything that went wrong was my fault.
Was a complete coward. Second dc has a significant disability. When we realised, wouldn't come with me to GP or hospital appointment (dc was two weeks old) - 'you don't need me to be there'.
Left me laying in bed ill when I thought I was dying - I was experiencing a severe reaction to a medication.
Had an affair with our au pair right under my nose.
I could go on....

I couldn't see it at the time - I was totally in love with him - clearly he didn't feel the same.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing!
To say I'm happily divorced is an understatement.

Stopped me seeing my family
Wanted me to sell my property
Told me to write apology essays to him for being disrespectful
Wouldn’t let me leave the house with my baby
Convinced me our baby would die if I left him.

I eventually did. Utterly broken and bruised but I did it. Still suffering for it but so much happier.

Name changed as this is outing to the very few people who know this.

I divorced ‘D’H because after ten years of marriage he became the Head of a Satanic cult.

I am a completely normal person and we have children so obviously being married to him was no longer an option. He is most likely a sociopath and he craves superficial adoration and attention so he found his niche 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote BarbiesWorld]@Summersunandoranges I think I might have to read that when I'm slightly less sleep deprived and run down. It's pretty much how I feel all the time though, I don't want to want to leave him because he's (very deep down) a good man but equally I just honestly don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this. [/quote]
You can download it on to your phone. It was a light bulb moment.

It’s not a book supporting break ups. It’s by a relationship councillor with decades of experience filtering through lots common issues in relationships and you finding out if you’d be happier working on your relationship or you’d be happier leaving.

So many things I didn’t think about came up in this book and by the time I’d finished reading it I was convinced I was never going to happy staying. I also seen bad points about myself - it’s defiantly not a man hating book. It’s for women and men but it gave me crystal clear clarity on wether I should leave and most importantly why I should.

I really recommend it.

Good luck

1st XH: Realized we had very different priorities and values, especially in terms of work ethic. I admit to being a bit of a lazy person, but he really took the cake! I realized that parenting with him would be a nightmare of me doing everything, and got out before having to go through it.

2nd XH: Manifested major mental illness issues (including intense delusional thinking along with an insistence that I cover it up to help him avoid being hospitalized) within 6 months of our wedding. These issues seemed to be something that came up for him under any conditions of sleep disturbance or extreme stress. I realized parenting with him would have been a nightmare of a very different, possibly "The Shining," sort.

I wanted a partner, not another child to look after and clean up after.

I wanted someone to share the load, not add to it.

Well, quite high on the very long list of reasons were:

Violence

Alcoholism

Emotional Abuse

Coercive control

It’s a very long list though so I won’t continue.

Wow, there are very strong common themes here.
We are still married. He pulled a lot of the shit you’re all mentioning when the kids were tiny. Apparently I was to blame because I wanted things done to my standards and my way. Ultimately, I bore the burden of babies and toddlers alone - and by burden I am mostly referring to the sleep deprivation. He slept. I did not.
However, something happened as they grew from toddlers into kids and now he’s the one with high standards I can’t always keep up with! He’s quite often a better parent too, these days.
He grew up, but about 3 years after me. I probably would have left him before the 3 years were up if I hadn’t been in a brain fuddled, sleep deprived fog of nappies and milk.

I no longer felt at home in my own home; my home was not my refuge, but the place I wanted to get away from. Nothing bad or dramatic, just prob got married as biological clock ticking so loudly even though we were not a great match, v different views on life, began to feel contemptuous of each other. I wanted us both to be happy. I did not want my children to see our marriage as the standard and hence have low expectations. My children were v young and I figured better to do it now than drag on for years, them living with unhappy parents in a bad marriage, and then rip it apart when older. Had far less effect when so young as it is all they know, and their dad and I have a decent friendship and co-parent v well.

Exactly what Whatfuckery said.
And then some.

We were both very young when we got together but looking back he was emotionally abusive as well as shagging around. I was the first wife but he has split up with wife number 3 for similar reasons .....

On the plus side when we split up I said fuck it as he refused to live abroad despite me being offered a job and moved to a different country where I met dp and we are still together 3 kids later.......