To ask why you divorced your DH

[BarbiesWorld]

Forgive me for asking such an intrusive question, I promise I'm not a journalist.

I've just been juggling bedtime for DD(4) and DS(4 months) again whilst internally wanting to through something hard at DH for being such a useless shit and it got me thinking about what generally causes women to leave their husbands other than cheating.

@Bookaholic73

I wanted a partner, not another child to look after and clean up after.

I wanted someone to share the load, not add to it.

God this!

In no particular order....Immature, bullying, aggressive (irrational temper tantrums), snoring, zero sex life, regularly insulted my family (for no good reason), regarded my job (Head of Department) as “sitting on your arse all day” etc etc etc.......

I discovered his affair and he walked out never to be seen again , he told everyone he couldn’t bear it (me) and he was very unhappy.
Here’s what I couldn’t bear
The total lack of help with children and housework. Putting the bins out once a week was sufficient apparently.
Expecting meals to be prepared and served and then asking me or child or dog to fetch him a beer.
Full support for his ageing parents. He never visited mine but would mock and personate them.
Four nights a week football and cycling. Then bought season tickets for football when we had no money. Apparently he was v v unhappy and needed it.
Didn’t lack my friends and they were uncomfortable coming over.
Seriously terrible sex.
Would never chat properly with me. Put his had up snd round say...stop talking.
I supported him through 4 years of university. Never said, thank you.
Asked me was I was so f...ing overweight. I’m not,
Told me people laughed at him for being married to me.
Pretends to be a good man to the world. Many people but not all get it.
Blimey.
Now. My home, my children, my life.
I’m starting to breathe again.

@VeniceQueen2004 - argh, I just wrote a long detailed reply and lost it! But, yes, I have a 9 year old and 7 year old with him. Luckily I am primary carer (he's too hands-off and selfish to have it any other way). If he, as an ex, was going to go for 50/50 I would think twice too, much as I'd like to advise 'get out' regardless. It's no bed of roses and even with less than 50/50 I do have reason to believe the kids are beginning to experience his mood swings and I think they are already learning to have to 'contain' themselves around him. It's quite heartbreaking tbh. But that was happening x10 when we were together anyway. I'm having counselling and I'm learning you have to look after yourself before you can look after your children properly. I was so unhappy I didn't want my children thinking that was normal and acceptable. As they grow older they will see him for the true person he is, and I will always be there to love then unconditionally. I think you have to be true to yourself to be true to your children, assuming you have their best interests at heart. That's better than putting up with it for their sake. But without knowing your situation in more detail I don't want to 'advise'. Depending on situation you could go for divorce and get an SHL (shit hot lawyer) to prevent 50/50, but of course that comes with immense cost and a lot of conflict. If your ex/partner is anything like mine, you'll know placating is often easier/ better than fighting. Sorry if that's a bit of a non-committal response. Good luck. I think you probably know deep down what's needed, and yes, it may not be perfect, but it's probably better x x

@StursAlign

Financially irresponsible/ didn't contribute/wouldn't jack in his failing business.

This is me right now

Cheater
Man child
Mummies boy
Lying
Gas lighting
Lazy
Selfish

1. Put himself first and HIS family -not OUR FAMILY
2. Let his mother and father verbally abuse me and minimised it saying I was 'sensitive' and it was 'hot air'.
3. Started doing things such as removed money out by standing order to his own account out of the joint account when I earnt more with no discussion

But really he was just an a hole. I took my vows seriously but he kept pushing and pushing and one day I realised I didn't love him. On the Monday I gave him 48 hours to put the money back. On the wednesday I gave him my wedding band and told him I wanted a divorce. He hit the roof and me - I called the police. End of. Done. That was that. 3 years later after the divorce and anything -he begged to come back and that 'it was only now I've been on my own that I realise my parents are nuts and you were the love of my life' -ummm. I don't think so baby. Given that every time you hoovered you expected a round of applause -jog on. I have more money, less housework and the same childcare without him. Plus we could do everything he has 'vetoed' such as having sheep etc - he left. We went and brought anoter dog, sheep, chickens, etc. Been fab. I really don't miss him.

What so many of PPs have said about the resentment after having children and the inability to share the responsibility/load. I was glad to read the PP who said her DH eventually grew up - mine never really did. Even the kids see him now as childish (they're teens). He was also incredibly disrespectful of me and my work all the time - it was as if he needed to put my work down so that he could feel better about himself. We stopped being friends first, because he wasn't interested in me or what was going on in my life. Every conversation with him turns back to being about him. So boring.
There were other things: emotional abuse, aggression, an affair. But I had been out of love with him for a long time before that.

I got sick of carrying him and thought life would be easier without him. He added nothing and made life so much more difficult. Life is much easier without the useless waste of space in my life.

My first husband I divorced because he was spineless and didn't stick up for me with my nasty in-laws, he had a very low sex drive, he didn't have any desire to make a good life for us and generally lacked much get up and go. Really we were totally incompatible but he liked me and I was at a low point in my life when he. Two years later I met my dh who I love dearly.

He was an abusive cocaine, gambling and gaming addict. We separated when I found out he had applied for a 12 or 15k loan (cant remember anymore tbh) and £8k credit card to pay off drug debts/god knows what else. I only knew because the money came into our joint account - he still denied it PMSL.

Weirdly, it wasn’t the cheating (though that was bad); it was the blatant lying, denying and gaslighting that went with the cheating. My god, life is wonderful without him.

Because I was practically a single parent, living with a lodger!
Our chemistry was good if you like, we had a nice house, lived comfortably , had 2 brilliant kids...
But when your DP doesnt want to spend time with you all, not even a trip to the park and you do everything for DC...
It gets to a point , where "Happiness over stability" , is far more important.
As a result of our seperation, DC now have a great Dad because he had to step up and not be a dick

Because he was far from D.

He was a lazy, drunken, revolting, abusive arsehole.

Negativity, lying, controlling, gaslighting, abusive,theft, jealousy of the children, mummy’s boy, scrounging, unsupportive, need I say more. So so glad I’m out and my children have a happy home.

You know, DH, who actually is D, has the odd disengaged moment. Never had one lasting 4 years, though.

We started with a wonderful equal partnership. Then we had kids and I stayed home for a little while and the equality slipped. Then he nearly died and became very depressed and checked out of family life. Became a lazy man child and sex pest. By the time he confessed to a long term affair (which I knew about but had said nothing), I was only staying for the kids and planned to leave when they went to uni. Was glad to let him go by then.

I realised that his mother and her views were more important than me.
She had a Victorian attitude and almost everything he said came straight from her.
As a married women :
I shouldn't wear revealing clothes, too much make-up, spend money on myself, go out alone with my friends (but allow him to go out alone with his mates twice a week), keep the house spotless with no help from him, dinner on the table as he walks through the door, washing done on a monday dispite the weather etc.
If we had a disagreement he would tell me his 'friends' (really his mother) said that he was right.
The final straw was when, after moaning about him coming home half cut he decided from then on he would stay at his mums ( with her blessing ) after his boozy nights out.
So glad to get out of that marriage. He has just split from wife/partner no.4.

Sheer drudgery

No huge unforgivable transgressions, just an over-commitment to work, pursuit of their own hobby to the exclusion of everything else, and the inability to hold even a slightly interesting conversation about anything other than family, friends, or the hobby.

I came to realise that they were fundamentally a boring person, had changed beyond all recognition from the person I first met, and that I simply didn't want to waste any more of my life being stuck in a relationship with them.

Nothing dramatic but I felt I was very low on the priority list.
His main priorities were:
Expensive hobby
His job
Overtime - to pay for the hobby
His family
His friends
I was somewhere at the end of the list. I may as well have been single for the amount of time we spent doing things together. It started to grate.
Minor things like we both drove past several supermarkets on the way home but it was always me who stopped off and did the top up shop. We would take turns to cook but when it was his turn, I didn't get to just chill out like he did, he'd always need me to help or need check something.
The final straw was when he was annoyed that I wanted him to come to a family christening where I was godmother because he wanted to go and do his sodding hobby.
When I sent him packing I realised the only extra job I had was putting the bin out.

He's an alcoholic

@rainbowhash thank you for taking the time to reply so fully 💓 I really don't know what to do but it feels good to know I'm not the only one who has managed to get themselves into this position somehow. I feel so guilty sometimes that I chose this father for my children 😔 but then if they weren't his they wouldn't be them so... Also hard to regret. He can be a great father.... Just the temper tantrums are so extreme. My girl has already started to say "stop shouting daddy!" When he starts (she's three) which of course only winds him up more. I dread her teenage years, she's strong willed - much stronger than me!

Ex didn’t cheat but in the end we divorced because

He lied about little things that didn’t matter, and big things
More lies upon lies
His porn habit
His lack of ambition
His general dumbness
His shitty communication skills
His disinterest in our teen daughter as opposed to his favourite son
His inability to do any of the household admin (general dumbness and laziness)
His limp non working dick (not that I was interested in it anyway)

Which over time resulted in me
Not liking him
Not trusting him
Not respecting him
Despising him
Actively repulsed by him

We divorced 5-6 years ago and even though we were together from the time I was 16 until I turned 40, if I see him now it’s like I’ve forgotten he was even in my life. So saying we text amicably about the kids (not often as no need), and I can make polite conversation but run out of things to say in about 3 mins.

@BarbiesWorld

It's difficult (for me anyway) to reconcile

I love the bones off DH

with

but can't stand him at the moment and haven't for a while if I'm completely honest. But he's lazy and disengaged from family life, expects me to do everything around the house and for the kids. He's done maybe half a dozen bed times with DD in her 4 years on earth. It's infuriating.

Different perhaps if this was a blip in the relationship but four years plus is a long term pattern I'd find hard to live with.

@Happynow001 it's difficult for me too. I think it's a case of I love him but I don't like him if that makes sense?