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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why you divorced your DH

126 replies

BarbiesWorld · 17/06/2020 20:12

Forgive me for asking such an intrusive question, I promise I'm not a journalist.

I've just been juggling bedtime for DD(4) and DS(4 months) again whilst internally wanting to through something hard at DH for being such a useless shit and it got me thinking about what generally causes women to leave their husbands other than cheating.

OP posts:

StursAlign · 17/06/2020 21:37

Financially irresponsible/ didn't contribute/wouldn't jack in his failing business.

madcatladyforever · 17/06/2020 21:39

I didn't divorce mine, I'd have preferred him dead.
Fortunately for him he went off with another woman before I could think up a foolproof "accident".

2020iscancelled · 17/06/2020 21:42

An affair on his part as the primary issue but now I can stand back and look in hindsight I can see there were other problems which probably would have lead me to leaving.
Won’t bore with details but I could never relax fully and I couldn’t be myself totally. Plus I was probably too young to really know who I was and what type of life partner I really wanted (despite being late 20s).
My partner now is a fantastic father and he is a partner is every sense, we share the life admin and responsibility of our home and children. It’s an absolute given, never been a question or discussion.
I simply could not be with a person who happily sat back and let me take on the burden of everyday life by myself. Someone who didn’t really care that I did more than them, or worse, didn’t even notice. It would be an absolute deal breaker.

InspectorCludo · 17/06/2020 21:44

No children to consider so slightly different to your circumstances but I divorced my ex because he was constantly gaslighting me. The phrase didn’t exist back then and nor did coercive control but he did both.
He was financially controlling and at times physically abusive.
Still took me 7 years to build up the courage to leave and even then I wasn’t sure if I was making the right decision.

I know for sure that if I had had children with him he would have been a ‘Disney dad’. Would have loved all the fun times and left me to deal with anything remotely hard work.

OP you say you love him still so there is hope. I’m guessing you’ve broached this subject before? Why does he do so little? A dozen bedtimes in 4 years isn’t good enough.

Barton10 · 17/06/2020 21:45

He resigned from his job as he wanted to stay at home with the D.C. without asking me first. He did the basic care and left them in front of the tv all day whilst he was watching porn. Sulked at me for days if I turned down sex, was more interested in drinking with his mates than doing anything with me or the dc. He hasn’t held down a relationship since then. It’s been 15 years and hasn’t changed.

RainbowHash · 17/06/2020 21:46

Being spoken over, snapped at, walking on egg shells, mood swings, door slammings. I completely lost my sense of self. Separated 2 years now and I'm beginning to find myself again but I think it's a long road ahead.

RainbowHash · 17/06/2020 21:47

Btw, it took Mumsnet to help me realise what emotional abuse is and that I had options. Thank you Mumsnet x

Freddiefox · 17/06/2020 21:49

He was lazy, didn’t really help with the dcs and when he did he wanted a medal and praise. It wasn’t one thing, just lots of little things.
Over time I stopped expecting help, then I stopped asking for help. At that point the resentment grew. We stopped communicating, mainly because he would say I was nagging.
Eventually he just became a person

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 17/06/2020 21:50

Because he was a lazy, selfish, egotistical cunt who when I was on my knees with exhaustion looking after 2 kids under 2 told me that that was my job. And that I didnt get to have a break.

Freddiefox · 17/06/2020 21:51

Posted to soon..
in the house and I realised that I didn’t even like him, and that there was no way he loved me. Why would
You watch the person you love struggle?

I realised I would be better on my own my mental health would be better. And my children wouldn’t have to listen to the arguing and the resentment

Summersunandoranges · 17/06/2020 21:53

Separated but will divorce.

Ten years of him not pulling his weight around the house or doing his fair share of ‘real parenting’ - a couple of hours out of the house on a weekend at the park and visiting grandparents wasn’t real parenting. He did about 3 night get ups with the kids out of seven years of really bad fucking sleep.

Lying about shit.

We stopped laughing and having fun as a couple.

We just had the kids in common.

Lost respect for him for all the above and stopped finding him attractive. I’m only 40 and the thought of being with him forever made me depressed.

We’re still in the same house untill we can split finances but honestly I’m so excited at the thought of living with out him and finding myself again.

Mum45678 · 17/06/2020 21:55

Mine was lovely and decent until he started at a new company. He was brainwashed there and turned into a callous, cruel horrible man. He was never pleasant when we had family time anymore and the kids and I walked on eggshells as soon as he got through the door.

He ended up having an affair with one of his direct reports, which he gaslighted me about for months. When he finally confessed he sent me a huge essay blameshifting the whole thing onto me. It didn’t get much better from there until he finally left for good.

My decree absolute came through this month, I’ve got the house and the kids almost full time and I’m absolutely chuffed to be rid of him. I went back to work after being a stay at home mum for years and it’s done wonders for my confidence.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 17/06/2020 21:55

Other than the cheating (which was the straw that broke the camel's very fraught back), I realised that I no longer wanted to be with him when I was suffering so badly with a migraine that I was in agonising pain and vomiting...I still had to do childcare as he was working in his office and "couldn't possibly finish work for another hour". Turns out he was playing his XBox. It made me realise I was no more than an unpaid nanny and maid and he had absolutely no respect or love for me.

ForestYeti · 17/06/2020 21:55

Because he’s a narcissistic abusive twat

Summersunandoranges · 17/06/2020 21:56

BarbiesWorld I also read a book called Too bad to stay too good too leave - I knew a third in it was in my best interests to go. I had to start putting myself first as he clearly wouldn’t

GlummyMcGlummerson · 17/06/2020 21:57

And BTW the being useless thing took me totally by surprise. Pre-DC he was an amazing, caring, generous man. I don't know what happened - if it was fatherhood or the fact that he started to be what I can only describe as brainwashed by far right loons on YouTube - but something made him change his character entirely. I married a kind and honest man, I divorced a cheating, sexist, racist, pig of a human being.

Zisforstripyoss · 17/06/2020 21:59

OP I'm not divorced but will be seperating shortly (hopefully!) My H is the same as yours - just generally doesn't make my life easier or help me in any way.

Also he puts himself first, over the DC, over me, over his parents. Example - we were on a walk earlier on a narrow-ish pavement and there was an elderly lady using a walking frame coming in the other direction. DC and I walked in the road to give her social distance, but he just ploughed on and made her basically become part of the hedge! He genuinely can't see what's wrong through.

RocksOfStone · 17/06/2020 22:00

I wasn't cheating but i started to fall for someone else and i done the right thing and ended it with my then husband

He was a good man though and did nothing wrong...

His now married to someone else and has children. Im happy for him

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/06/2020 22:00

He had an affair. However, it wasn't just that. He was a shit father, a shit husband, had sex with me in my sleep, did nothing round the house, didn't help me at all when I had PND, got pissy with me when I was late back from a mammogram because he needed to get round to OW (in the guise of "work"). Oh I could go on and on. Best thing I ever did was get rid of the useless wanker.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/06/2020 22:02

Thanks @BarbiesWorld. Happily remarried for nearly 18 years to someone who treasures me.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/06/2020 22:02

Oh and to add to it, the amount of affairs I have found out about since have been astonishing. I also have reason to believe there are abandoned children floating round too (apart from our DS). The man is a cunt.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 17/06/2020 22:03

Btw, it took Mumsnet to help me realise what emotional abuse is and that I had options. Thank you Mumsnet

Can I also thank MN who told me exactly what to do WRT maintenance - Ex is self employed and a chancer and some very wise women told me how to get the information I needed for the CMS. As a result I get fair and generous maintenance and have security for me and the DC

VeniceQueen2004 · 17/06/2020 22:05

@RainbowHash did you have children with him? Currently facing similar issues with my partner, I thought we were past it (to the point I got pregnant again!) and then last week it all blew up again and I am seriously questioning whether it would be worse for my kids to grow up with parents who are generally loving towards the kids but periodically have enormous rows and often have a lot of tension between them, or to have their parents separate with 50/50 custody (he'd accept no less) but spend half their time alone with the parent who instigates that tension with his disproportionately angry reactions to minor inconvenience/setbacks ... It feels like an impossible calculation

HesterShaw1 · 17/06/2020 22:05

He's not a bad man at all, in fact I love him dearly, but we just got sick of each other and brought out the worst in each other. Sometimes that just happens. The fun, warm, affectionate go-getting man I met in my mid 20s just disappeared under this layer of disappointed, fun spongey misery.

We're better off apart. Now we're separated we have both started to live again.

octobersky19 · 17/06/2020 22:05

@thegreylady Ooooo who is it?

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