To think that actually, there probably is a paedophile on every corner?

[MrsToadofToadHall]

When I first became a parent, back in the 2000s, I tended to think that some other parents were quite irrational about their fears regarding paedophiles. There seemed to be quite a lot of hysteria about child abductions whipped up in the tabloids, quite a few of the mums I knew looked very suspiciously on men who worked or volunteered with children, and I tended to think that although paedophiles unfortunately existed, they were in the minority and we shouldn't raise our children to be suspicious of every man just because he was a man, nor should we limit their independence due to fear of something that was very unlikely to happen. I suppose I was a bit "cool mum" and proud of my ability to rationalise and see through hysteria

In recent years, I've come to think that I was wrong. So many famous and prominent people have been exposed as having abused children and teenagers. Although I have always supported a certain level of sex ed in schools, elements of this have gone beyond a level I'm comfortable with. It seems to me to be more acceptable to expose children to sexual/adult issues at an earlier age. As well as this, recent revelations in my own fairly small community have caused me to reconsider - a teenager who abused younger relatives, it was brought to the attention of police and SS but in the end, all that could be done was refer him for optional counselling. Three or four men have been found out as they attempted to groom very young girls, some primary aged, via social media. Friends have also confided in me regarding their own childhood abuse. I know most of these men, and while I realise that abusers don't come with a big sticker on their forehead, most of them really were spectacularly ordinary and had wives and children

Obviously I still realise that the vast majority of men are fine, but my point is, I thought paedophiles were a few lone individuals, and now it seems there are far more of them about than I ever would have realised.

Does that make sense?

But mostly men - by a very wide margin - and mostly adults.

Child on child abuse is more prevalent than many think. It's hard to know as it's massively under reported, but I've seen figures of 40%.

YANBU I found out a few years ago that my mum and her twin sister sexually abused by their older brother in the 1960s. I don’t know any details, but I do know their mum died when my mum was 9 so I imagine it started after that when he (then aged 16) was often left alone to look after them while their dad worked.

I don’t know if my grandad knew (he died 30 years ago), or anyone else in the family, but my mum’s “confession” was triggered by the whole Jimmy Saville thing.

NSPPC figures are about 1 in 20 now and i think the 40% child on child is quite accurate thanks to the proliferation of online pornography. Thinks have definitely improved sine I was a kid. Its talked about everywhere and parents are WAY more protective than in the early 90's. One of the girls i was in youth group with was 'dating ' a 28 year old when she was 14! All the youth leaders knew and did nothing! It just wasn't a big deal to them. Nowadays there would be an immediate child protection referral. There are reasons to be hopeful!!

Absolutely agree. I’ve come across 2 in my circle -absolutely shocked - no inkling at all which made me realise how well it is hidden.

I’ve also been very aware of men staring at my little boy as he grew up.

@GrolliffetheDragon

But mostly men - by a very wide margin - and mostly adults.

Child on child abuse is more prevalent than many think. It's hard to know as it's massively under reported, but I've seen figures of 40%.

Yep.

I was sexually abused by my brother, who was two years older than me, for years. And some of his friends.
I found out a few years later that three of my (female) friends at school had some of the same experiences with their brothers, at the same time/age. Nobody I knew had experienced sexual abuse from anyone in their life/family other than their brother.

The absolute worst thing was finding out in my mid teens that my mother had the same experience with her (much older) brother at around the same age. She completely minimised what happened to her, and swerved between disbelieving me and blaming me for leading my brother on .
I was 9 when it first happened.
I am still absolutely disgusted that she did fuck all to protect me.

Sibling incest abuse is horribly common IME. It must be horrendous to be a parent in that situation - that's about as much sympathy as I can offer my mum

Unfortunately my own experiences with men fulfilling their parental responsibilities is not good. Even with no barrier. Even if only to be a so called 'disney dad'. Zero, zilch, nowt. So it will cloud my judgment on this.

I wont bore you with the details here :)

There is definitely it ely an attempt at “normalising” paedophilia - you only have to notice the rise in self-identified “MAPs” on Twitter (most of which Twitter refuse to do anything about).

Add to this statements like those of author John Grisham (who next to nobody seemed to bat an eyelid about) www.theguardian.com/books/2014/oct/16/john-grisham-prison-sentences-child-abuse-images

As well as folk like Peter Tatchell talking about his friends having consensual sexual experiences with adults as children and the man (whose name temporarily escapes me) with connections to PIE being photographed with prominent SNP members.

Why are you linking school sex Ed to paedophillia?

By the time a lot of them get to the age for sex Ed the stuff they have already seen is terrifying.

Child pornography is the term used by the police officer in that documentery. Don't come at me over pedantic. Yeesh

It’s not a dig at you (from anyone as far as I can see) but pornography gives the impression of it being consensual and it needs to be picked up and corrected at every opportunity.

I’m with you OP, there are at least 4 of them in my family (not all males) which I am aware of for one reason or another and in each of those cases, family members have stuck by them. Some have gone to prison but others haven’t and the ones who have gone to prison have been inside more than once.

There has also been quite a few teachers and priests around my area who have been found to have child abuse images on various devices and disgustingly I also know someone who was ‘stung’ by a pedophile hunter group. My guess is that these groups will have unearthed a few over the last few months with lockdown and loads of people having nothing to do but staying inside.

I agree with others that have posted in that I believe being a pedophile isn’t a choice but acting on it certainly is a choice!

Paedophiles are opportunists and they have a knack for finding vulnerable children and/or naive parents
^this:(

I posted on MN that there is a paedophile on every corner. That was 20 years ago. Hundreds of posters piled on to tell me how ridiculous I was. At the time people seemed to think paedophile and murderer were synonyms.
I’m glad people are more aware these days.

I hope not, though according to the other thread running here people think they’re running marketing for ASDA

This is why I said on another thread that people were naive to assume strangers asking for personal information was just making polite conversation and to dismiss the OP’s reluctance to tell her anything as being a bit hysterical.

These people ARE everywhere. There is probably always someone watching, waiting for the opportunity to do what they want to do. The MM suspect is believed to have watched the family for several days before the abduction.

*were just

At a family wedding recently a middle-aged man was being really sleazy towards me. A while later he asked my sister (aged about 30 at the time) if I was her daughter (I’m 1 year younger). He obviously thought I was a child. Yet when I pointed him out to my aunts and uncles and told them what he’d been saying to me they said I must have got him mixed up with someone else because Bill (or whatever his name was) would NEVER do anything like that.

The same thing happened with “friends of the family” when I was younger.

This kind of thing (and worse) is happening all the time.

@Beerincomechampagnetastes what is the name of the book please, I’d be interested in reading that.

I was raped from the age of 9 - 14. My mum has taken his side- blaming me for leading him on. I remember the police coming round once to discuss something they’d found on his computer and my mum begged me not to say anything. She was adamant it was his girlfriend’s fault and not his. As a result, I’m much more protective of my LG than some think I should be (even my own DH at times), but IMO it’s fully justified

@YgritteSnow and @DustyMaiden I remember such threads, and alt I would not have been doing the mangling, I'm sorry to say I probably would have nodded along. I just did not realise the extent and frequency at which these people operate. I thought a child was more likely to be hit by a car than targeted by a paedophile.

I have very much had my eyes opened since.

I used to have similar views and now deal with safeguarding relating to historic childhood sexual abuse as part of a voluntary role. It is shocking how prevalent it is. Whilst I am still fairly relaxed whilst I am supervising the children (who at the moment are young enough I can ensure they are always in sight), I’m incredibly fussy about who I allow any access to my children without my direct supervision.

I was abused by so many men. I'd think someone was safe, they'd notice bruises, ask me if I was OK and then they'd do it too. Men you think are decent and lovely.
So many of them. And yes, women too blah blah. But the majority are men.
Both women and men ignored it too. Turned a blind eye.

I don't t trust anyone around my children.

I’m always suspicious of men who work in schools, nurseries and clubs. I know some will find that an awful thing to say/think but I’m so paranoid.

YANBU, most people I know (especially women) have at least a handful of stories of near misses or inappropriate attention when they were kids- creepy uncle, dodgy PE teacher, van following kids home from the park, men offering lifts, etc.

It’s much much worse for vulnerable kids. I was raped at 13 and it was like I had a sign on my forehead that said “vulnerable and desperate for affection”. After that I was groomed online by a 50 year old man, made “friends” with a woman in her 20s who wanted to have secret sleepovers and got i to an abusive relationship with a 20 year old when I was 15. And that’s not even counting all the run of the mill wolf whistles, being groped on the bus, having an old man offer to be my sugar daddy, etc etc.

I think the biggest thing we can do to protect our children is not being them up to be too polite or have an over respect for adults. Adults can be wrong, bad and misguided. It’s totally fine to say no to an adult. Since at school children won’t be getting that message, I actively encourage my children to say no to adults, whether it’s asking for a cuddle or whatever. I’m a people pleaser so it’s hard and people don’t perceive my children as being as ‘friendly’ as some other children. But I’d much rather they felt able to say no than being cajoled into being kind and polite and be vulnerable to abuse.

toinfinityandlockdown Amen to everything you just said.