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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should travel?

81 replies

PumpkinP · 16/06/2020 23:21

I posted this on another site but people though I was being unreasonable so thought I would see what MN thought. I have 4 kids with my ex, he ended things when I was pregnant with the youngest, he hasn’t been involved for 3 years but last saw them a year ago but that was just once. Recently he got back in contact asking to see them and I decided to discuss the possibility of him seeing them again. We spoke about it and he only wants to see them every other week for the day (no over nights) we live at opposites sides of London and neither of us drive and it takes about 2 hours to get to mine from his. He thinks I should be bringing them to him sometimes but I personally don’t agree as I do 100% of the parenting so I don’t think I should be travelling on top of it and also taking 4 kids around London on public transport isn’t easy, whereas him travelling down here alone and back alone isn’t anywhere near as hard and like I said I do all the parenting anyway so I think it’s the least he can do. So Aibu thinking he should do all the travelling?

OP posts:
StormzyInaDCup · 16/06/2020 23:24

Yanbu and he should be showing that he's willing to make the effort after all these years. It's the bare minimum he could do really!

june2007 · 16/06/2020 23:24

Can you do 50/50. Or are you able to meat in the middle?.(I mean location wise?) Perhaps say he can make the effort at first and if he is reliable then you may agree to visit him?

Thejuryisoutforthenext37 · 16/06/2020 23:25

Yanbu

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/06/2020 23:28

The trouble with meeting half way is he only wants them for the day so by the time I’ve travelled to him and back I will need to head straight back again. I wouldn’t mind meeting him half way if he was having them for the weekend for example but he is not in a position to do that.

OP posts:
MustGetOutofBed · 16/06/2020 23:29

Absolutely he should travel, like you said he only has to get himself there and back.

Rosebel · 16/06/2020 23:32

I was thinking for 4 hours of travel it's not really worth it for your children. I think he has to travel as he is the one who's let them down and he should be willing to prove (at least at first) that he is willing to put them first.

BlueLadybird · 16/06/2020 23:34

Right now I would be doing whatever meant the minimum number of people on public transport. So he comes to you.

redastherose · 16/06/2020 23:35

He should travel, if he can't be bothered to do that to see his children then why should you drag 4 children across London.

B0bbin · 16/06/2020 23:39

He should travel, definitely!

WhatWouldDominicDo · 16/06/2020 23:40

How old are the kids? Many children travel across London to get to school on their own every day.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/06/2020 23:43

They are 9, 8, 6 and 3. I don’t know any children that travel that far for school. Many men travel that far daily for their commute.

OP posts:
WhatWouldDominicDo · 16/06/2020 23:46

Ah, too young then.
He should travel.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/06/2020 23:49

I think this is coming up as an issue as in the past I’ve allowed him to come to my house to see them and to even stay over, stupid I know! I’ve bent over backwards for him to see them and I’ve told him that it’s no longer appropriate for him to come to my house to see them.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 17/06/2020 00:07

I’ve told him that it’s no longer appropriate for him to come to my house to see them.

Why not?

He needs to do all the travelling. It’s the least he could do.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 00:14

Because I don’t want him in my house , I don’t know anyone whose children’s father see the children by coming to their house. He needs to have a separate relationship with them that doesn’t involve me.

OP posts:
Babyfg · 17/06/2020 08:22

He should definitely be travelling. He hasn't done much in 3years and nothing in a year, but he's expecting you to make it as easy as possible to see his kids because now he can be bothered? Make him come to your area (and for what it's worth I think your absolutely right not letting him come to yours-fuck having to put up with him pretending to be father of the year in your own home). When he can't be bothered again to do the journey, your kids will be aware you never stopped him seeing them and that you were always consistent in their lives!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/06/2020 08:29

Generally speaking, he should travel but given youre 2hrs apart and you dont want him at your house, then him travelling 2hrs to collect them then 2hrs to take them to his, then 2hrs to bring them back and 2hrs to get home again... Not really feasible is it. Unless your kids love buses!

Comprise? You take them, he brings them back?

RedCatBlueCat · 17/06/2020 08:34

Who moved from the area the family was living in before the split?
That person, if just one, should do the majority of the travel.

chateaudekaleidoscope · 17/06/2020 08:37

He should definitely do the travelling you've done everything for the children for three years but I'm guessing more. Leave it as you have my number if you want to make the effort to come and see them let me know otherwise go away.

FrancesHaHa · 17/06/2020 08:50

He should probably have them for a shorter period of time (ie not over a weekend) to re-establish the relationship. After all the youngest won't know him at all.

He could travel to you and take them out for the day eg to the park. In normal times he could take them for lunch, museum etc. He doesn't need to have them at his house straight away.

Bridecilla · 17/06/2020 08:51

Where will he take them then. Yanbu about the travelling, he should 100% do that

But... nowhere is open. Even if it was your 9 year old probably wouldn't want to go to say, soft play

I think if the weather is crap the only choice is your house really? Can you sit out if the way?

Heidi1976 · 17/06/2020 09:02

Has he stated why he can't have them overnight? I'd say that splitting the travel would be fair - you drop them off to him then drop them back, but it's still 4 hours each way for the sake of a day, which seems crazy to me.

picklemewalnuts · 17/06/2020 09:03

Don't have him in your house- that's a backward step.

It may be hard for him to manage all four the first couple of times with them not knowing him. He needs to build up the time.

What is there to do in your area, particularly if it's raining?

okiedokieme · 17/06/2020 09:08

At first he needs to come to you but sometimes meeting in central London is a good option.

okiedokieme · 17/06/2020 09:10

(You could wander around the shops, go to a museum etc obviously when things reopen!

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