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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should travel?

81 replies

PumpkinP · 16/06/2020 23:21

I posted this on another site but people though I was being unreasonable so thought I would see what MN thought. I have 4 kids with my ex, he ended things when I was pregnant with the youngest, he hasn’t been involved for 3 years but last saw them a year ago but that was just once. Recently he got back in contact asking to see them and I decided to discuss the possibility of him seeing them again. We spoke about it and he only wants to see them every other week for the day (no over nights) we live at opposites sides of London and neither of us drive and it takes about 2 hours to get to mine from his. He thinks I should be bringing them to him sometimes but I personally don’t agree as I do 100% of the parenting so I don’t think I should be travelling on top of it and also taking 4 kids around London on public transport isn’t easy, whereas him travelling down here alone and back alone isn’t anywhere near as hard and like I said I do all the parenting anyway so I think it’s the least he can do. So Aibu thinking he should do all the travelling?

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 10:27

I hate shopping it’s my idea of hell so don’t particularly want to hang around central London. There’s not a lot to do in my area admittedly especially with nothing open, but I don’t think it’s right for him to wait until things are open as he already hasn’t seen them in 3 years and who knows when things will be open next. Can’t see it being any time soon! They can’t go to his as he lives in shared housing so can’t really have 4 kids around. I don’t want him at mine as quite frankly I don’t want to spend time with my ex, I don’t mind being there the first few times he meets them so they get use to him but I expect him to eventually be able to take them on his own.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/06/2020 10:29

If he's suddenly decided he wants to play happy families then he should make the effort and do the travelling

june2007 · 17/06/2020 10:31

Beginning to see why he has not seen them. You don,t want them round his as he has a shared home, you don,t want him round yours and you don,t want to meat half way. What do you want/ how ca you make this work?

HowFastIsTooFast · 17/06/2020 10:32

YADNBU about expecting him (who needs to prove himself anyway) should be the one to travel to them, but I would compromise by letting him see them in your house unless that's really a huge problem. Could you use the time to get out and see friends, treat yourself to something nice, have some peace? When my friend and her ex split she kept the house with the garden, and he bought a small flat, so often he'll visit/look after the kids in the house where all their stuff is and they can play outside. My friend uses the opportunity to socialise and do stuff for herself without the kids around.

Nonotthisagain · 17/06/2020 10:37

If he is only willing to see them for a day it's not fair for the kids to spend 4 hrs of that day traveling - especially given their ages. He needs to come to you or at least closer to you and take them for a day out round there.

I completely understand you don't want him in your house - that's entirely your prerogative.

Heidi1976 · 17/06/2020 10:40

@june2007

Beginning to see why he has not seen them. You don,t want them round his as he has a shared home, you don,t want him round yours and you don,t want to meat half way. What do you want/ how ca you make this work?
^ This.

The thread has progressed from a 'Who should travel' thread to you really needing to figure out (with your ex) how to facilitate the children seeing their father. As at the moment, none of the evident options are acceptable or suitable to one or both of you.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 10:42

Really ?! june2007 you can see why a man doesn’t want to see his kids because I won’t facilitate it all?! HE doesn’t want them at his! I asked him how he wants to see them and what HE suggests and HE said HE will see them once every 2 weeks for a day out, that was his suggestion, he lives in a 3 bed house but has purposely moved in 3 lodgers so he has no room to take them over night, that was his choice to do, I can’t understand why a man who has a 3 bed house and 4 kids would move 3 lodgers in so there is no space to take them, these are random people from the internet. He has made it so he can’t take them over night. As for not having him in my house why the hell should I?! I never get a break so why should I still be there when he has the kids?! Besides he spent the whole time trying to get into my bed in the past and not going home and sleeping over night which made me uncomfortable so I’m trying to put boundaries in place as we was acting like a couple when we are not. In an ideal world I want him to be able to take his kids like a normal dad but he has made it so that isn’t a possibility. He has his own house yet money from his lodgers is more important.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 10:45

I can’t believe people think I should have him in my house because he is not in a position to take them due to his own fault. How many of you would have your ex in your house playing happy families? We are not friends and it was unhealthy and uncomfortable having him in my home. If I left him with the kids and went upstairs he would follow me. I don’t know anyone who has there exes in there house to see the kids.

OP posts:
2Finallypregnant · 17/06/2020 10:45

Stick to your guns. Make sure he travels to pick up the kids. Make sure the kids are ready and out the door as soon as he comes. He has a lot of time to make up.

Gazelda · 17/06/2020 10:46

I understand all of the logistics. I wouldn't want him in my home either.
But what do you think the best solution is? You surely can't be wanting the children to do 4 hours travelling in one day?

LillianBland · 17/06/2020 10:51

@june2007

Beginning to see why he has not seen them. You don,t want them round his as he has a shared home, you don,t want him round yours and you don,t want to meat half way. What do you want/ how ca you make this work?
It’s HIM that should be trying to make it work, not the OP. He wants her to drag her poor kids across London or let him into her home. Why isn’t he coming up with some suggestions, if he’s desperate to see them? It’s not her job to carry the mental load for him, especially since they’re no longer together.
Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 10:51

As I said I think he should be doing all the travelling, if he can’t take them over night or for a weekend which he can’t because he can’t nothing to do with me, then I think it should be down to him to travel considering he only wants to see them 24 times in a year. Whereas I do all the rest of the parenting.

OP posts:
queenofelves · 17/06/2020 10:54

Absolutely him that should be doing the travelling and there is no way you should let him into your home, please stick to your boundaries. Is there no outdoor walks/parks etc nearby where he can travel to you and take them out for a big walk and a picnic?

Muppetry76 · 17/06/2020 10:58

OP I think you're absolutely right not to want him in your house. He's hardly seen them for 3 years - he can't now demand to come into your home to visit with them.

Also, whilst there are considerations that one of you (who?) moved across London, it's much simpler for him to come to visit the kids in your area than you to drag them across the city. It might mean a simple picnic in the park to start with, but he needs to gradually build a relationship with them rather than just go straight into full days.

Once we're out of lockdown then maybe start thinking about occasionally meeting him in the city. But for now, he travels to the children.

Does he pay CM? Does he have plans to evict a lodger or two so he can have the children overnight?

UnfinishedSymphon · 17/06/2020 10:58

I'm totally with you OP, he hasn't been arsed up to now so it's up to him to show that he wants to see the kids. Can't believe people expect you to drag 4 kids on public transport in the current climate to make it easier, rather than him coming to you. There's also plenty of parks/open spaces he could take them too and shops are open so he could take them for picnics, walks, play a game of football etc., he doesn't need to be in your house.

Muppetry76 · 17/06/2020 11:01

Also, if its a two hour journey has he considered a travelodge near you (post-lockdown) to enable him to have the kids overnight?

BigChocFrenzy · 17/06/2020 11:02

YANBU

Don't let him visit if he's a sex pest

His own choices are what caused the problems

Buggering off, so they don't know each other

AND he has a house with several bedrooms ..... but chose to move in lodgers for the money,
instead of keeping rooms for the DC

Very different to a skint bloke having to live in a hostel with others

lyralalala · 17/06/2020 11:08

He should do the travel. He’s not bothered with his kids for years, if he’s genuine then he should be putting in the effort.

What I will say OP is try and find out why the sudden interest. My ex used to do this often when he had a new gf he was trying to impress. He wasn’t actually interested in the kids. He just wanted to show that he was a good dad, I was just the psycho nightmare ex who wouldn’t let him

He needs to make all of the effort for a good while to show he’s genuine

Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 11:09

He was making me uncomfortable in my home I don’t see why that needs spelling out I’m not sure many people would be comfortable with their exes in their house, we are not friends, and if there was an issue (for example he has cancelled in the past because it was raining) and I had an issue with that, he then wouldn’t see them as me and him had a disagreement. I think he needs to separate me and them, that’s the problem, he doesn’t. He does not separate me and them, so if me and him aren’t getting on he won’t see them. I’ve had him in my house in the past and it doesn’t work.

no he won’t be evicting any of the lodgers as it’s money. Which no he doesn’t pay maintenance. So I would be paying all the money to travel which is really expensive by train or tube. We live next to a common so he can take them there with their bikes or for a picnic or whatever and then when things are open there will be more to do. I would happily take them to his door step if he was having them over night or for the weekend, but for a day out it isn’t worth it.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 17/06/2020 11:20

As he's the one who's been flitting in and out of their lives and has 'decided' he wants to see his own children (I mean, WTF?) then he can be the one to travel.

My response would be to state that I will have the children ready and prepared for the day, let me know what time that needs to be.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 11:37

He could learn to drive if the travelling is too much for him, but he doesn’t want to and I have no one to look after my children for me to learn.

OP posts:
Muppetry76 · 17/06/2020 11:41

Does he work? Cms call this afternoon OP!

Original poster
PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 11:44

No he doesn’t work, so no maintenance.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 17/06/2020 11:44

Send him link to air B&B near you. He can stay overnight, collect dc the next morning, have the day with them near you /at the air B&B, drop them back to you and go home..

lyralalala · 17/06/2020 11:57

You are going to need to be there for the first few meetings. So tell him that you are prepared to meet him at x park (near your home) at y time on x date. You’ll meet with the children for an hour or two for the first few times until they are comfortable with him. After that you’ll make them available every other Saturday/Sunday at X time for collection.

Does he know where you live? If not I’d arrange to meet him at the park each week rather than your home. If you still live in the same place then he can collect from your home.

Make clear to him that he will be organising the activities, he’ll be doing the travelling, he’ll not be setting foot in your home and you’ll not be engaging with him on anything other than the children.

One of two things will happen. He’ll either be genuine and wanting to see his kids so he’ll do it, even if he thinks you are being harsh. Or he’ll decide it’s too much hassle and won’t bother.

I suspect it’ll be the latter and it’s better to find that out now rather than after the first couple of meetings as it’ll be less unsettling for the kids.

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