Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Who should travel?

81 replies

PumpkinP · 16/06/2020 23:21

I posted this on another site but people though I was being unreasonable so thought I would see what MN thought. I have 4 kids with my ex, he ended things when I was pregnant with the youngest, he hasn’t been involved for 3 years but last saw them a year ago but that was just once. Recently he got back in contact asking to see them and I decided to discuss the possibility of him seeing them again. We spoke about it and he only wants to see them every other week for the day (no over nights) we live at opposites sides of London and neither of us drive and it takes about 2 hours to get to mine from his. He thinks I should be bringing them to him sometimes but I personally don’t agree as I do 100% of the parenting so I don’t think I should be travelling on top of it and also taking 4 kids around London on public transport isn’t easy, whereas him travelling down here alone and back alone isn’t anywhere near as hard and like I said I do all the parenting anyway so I think it’s the least he can do. So Aibu thinking he should do all the travelling?

OP posts:

lyralalala · 17/06/2020 11:59

Also all taxable income is included in CMS calculations so if he’s declaring his lodgers it can be counted. He should be paying you.

If he’s claiming benefits he should be paying £7 a week. Which is a shit amount, but it’s a principle thing.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 12:05

I was told by cms that they don’t take it into consideration. I don’t even think it’s that far that he needs to stay anywhere over night, we are both in London not other ends of the country.

OP posts:

lyralalala · 17/06/2020 12:10

@PumpkinP

I was told by cms that they don’t take it into consideration. I don’t even think it’s that far that he needs to stay anywhere over night, we are both in London not other ends of the country.

They’re wrong. You need to apply for a variation.

Unearned income, such as rent or dividends, absolutely can be counted.

They’re hopeless so your chances of getting anything, especially with them basically giving non-payers a free pass atm, is slim, however you can apply and his reaction will tell you a lot.

passthemustard · 17/06/2020 13:38

Do not negotiate.

He hasn't cared enough to visit them regularly in the last 3 years. You are already doing 100% of the work. He comes to you or he doesn't see them.

End of the conversation

parietal · 17/06/2020 14:25

He should travel to you, take the kids out to a park for the day and have a picnic and then drop them back to your house at the end of the day.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 15:02

Thanks I’m glad most of you agree with me, if he was doing 50/50 or even a weekend or overnights then i would be willing to meet half way or one way each but he only wants them every other weekend for the day, that was HIS suggestion so I shouldn’t be doing 100% of the parenting whilst he has a day at the park with them and I also meet him for that, I have no family help I bring up 4 children alone, that’s not easy why should I make his Life easier when he won’t be doing any real parenting a day at the park isn’t being a parent.

OP posts:

GalwayGrowl · 17/06/2020 15:05

Good grief OP, he sounds like a useless piece of shit. Thank god you got rid!

june2007 · 17/06/2020 15:17

Day at the park is a start, you got to start somewhere.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 15:28

He has no intention of building it up as he will continue to have his lodgers, that’s more important to him, money. He could have left one room free but he rents out all 3 and sleeps in his living room. His choice on how he wants to see them. They haven't been to his house in 3 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 15:32

Should add the lodgers mean he doesn’t have to work, we’ve been over it in the past and he has no intentions to stop it.

OP posts:

namechangenumber2 · 17/06/2020 15:36

I would say he should be doing the travelling. I separated from DS1's Dad, we used to share the travel but only because it suited us ( Ex used to live near my FIL) but he then moved and now we don't do any of it. I only really used to do it as I knew if I didn't his Dad wouldn't make the effort to see him, so I did it for DS's sake.

I was once advised many years ago that its Ex's contact so his responsibility. It was just my responsibility to make DS available for contact.

Honeyroar · 17/06/2020 15:51

I totally agree that you shouldn’t be trekking across London twice in a day for some lazy shit that can’t even arrange accommodation for his children, pay maintenance or see them for more than one day a fortnight. If they’re not staying overnight then they don’t need to go all the way over there. And I’m very pro dads seeing their children and getting a fair deal. Tell him this is your one day off childcare, it’s not even 24hrs because he’s so useless and can’t offer it, so he can bloody well cope without you bringing them or having him in your house.

SaladSeason · 17/06/2020 15:56

Stick to your guns OP. HE can pick them up from yours and take them to the open space nearby then bring them home. If he really wants to see them then he will at least try this. Don't accept any other arrangement

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 16:00

Yeah I don’t think people realise that I’ve bent over backwards for him in the past to see them. He has spent Christmas in my house with them so he could see them on Christmas Day even though we weren’t together and we aren’t friends I don’t know anyone personally that has their ex around for Christmas. But I needed to put a stop to that as it was like we were still in a couple.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 17/06/2020 16:06

Sounds like you need to harden up. If you don’t facilitate everything for him he might actually have to pull his finger out.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 16:12

I haven’t facilitated him anymore and he hasn’t seen them in a year, and the last time he did see them he saw them once then said that he didn’t want to see them anymore.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 17/06/2020 16:32

He sounds a total dead loss. Poor children. How are they re seeing him? It must be a nightmare for you.

DianaT1969 · 17/06/2020 16:32

If he can drive, why not suggest he hires a car for the day? Take them out for a picnic near you. When restrictions lift he can take them to better places.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/06/2020 16:36

He is a stranger to the 3yo, so I'd not let the 3yo go for a full day out with him yet.

As a pp said, he can meet you at a park close to yours first for a couple of hours. On his next weekend he can collect the two eldest and go off and do something for a few hours before you meet him with the two youngest. Time after that, swap the older ones and the youngest ones.

Revisit the plan after that (if he can be arsed to continue).

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 16:43

Well apparently I want to hope he doesn’t take me to court as a court would force me to travel! Can they?? He would never take me to court anyway, he has said he wouldn’t

OP posts:

FilthyforFirth · 17/06/2020 16:47

Do your kids even want to see him? Sounds a complete loser and I am wondering what he brings to their life? Your youngest will have no idea who he is. I would not be comfortable leaving them with him at all.

I feel for you, the nonsense you've got on this thread. Of course it isnt your responsibility to facilitate any of it! Make them available for collection, no more.

FilthyforFirth · 17/06/2020 16:49

In these circumstances no, I cannot imagine they would force you to travel. But given the limited information I have on him I am 100% certain he wouldnt bother at all with court. Call his bluff. That is all it is.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/06/2020 17:11

Who moved away? You or him?

Original poster

PumpkinP · 17/06/2020 17:13

He did, he wouldn’t go to court so I’m not too concerned. The only one that would want to see him is the 6 year old, the 3 year old doesn’t know him or remember him and the older 2 aren’t interested because of how he has treated them in the past with walking in and out.

OP posts:

itbemay · 17/06/2020 17:14

if he only wants them for the day can't he do the travelling but stay local to where you live / park / cinema etc? why should you do that journey?!

Flip

1 2 3 4