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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my 3 year old to sleep at his fathers for a week?

39 replies

MarionJJ · 15/06/2020 23:33

My ex has asked for our son for a week. I said I will accept contact for 4 nights, but he wasnt happy, he starts shouting and becomes aggressive every time he doesnt get what he wants. He said if I dont give him what he wants he will take me to court. What contact arrangments does other people have?

OP posts:

Hushabusha · 15/06/2020 23:36

Let him take you to court. He probably won't bother. The fucker

june2007 · 15/06/2020 23:37

Why not a wk if you are ok with 4 nights? Is it he wants a wk on a wk off? or is this just a one off?

lastqueenofscotland · 15/06/2020 23:39

Let him take you to court. He won’t win.

OneEpisode · 15/06/2020 23:39

What’s the longest recent contact they’ve had?

Whataloadofshite · 15/06/2020 23:41

Tell him to go ahead and take you to court. He sounds like a bully.

chateaudekaleidoscope · 15/06/2020 23:41

Do you mean as a one off or one week on one week off?

tuxedobeauty · 15/06/2020 23:42

Why is the week a problem for your son OP?

OwlBeThere · 15/06/2020 23:43

Why do you get to decide? He’s the child’s parent too. Would you like it if he decides you couldn’t have your child?

hannah1992 · 15/06/2020 23:45

Is there a reason you wouldn’t like him to have him for a week?

8MinutesToSunrise · 15/06/2020 23:46

A week is a really long time for a 3 year old.

NeverTwerkNaked · 15/06/2020 23:53

I don't know why people are saying dad won't win. He shouldn't, but the family court system is horribly flawed. I left my ex because he was abusive. Court accepted he was abusive. He acknowledged he had barely spent any time with DD aged 18 months since she was born. Judge felt she would have a lovely time going on holiday with her dad for a week .

What people think should happen and what actually can happen are miles apart sadly

OneEpisode · 16/06/2020 01:49

for you. The pattern seems to be: Overnights before long weekends. Four days before a week.

Yeahnahmum · 16/06/2020 02:05

Depends on the backstory and history really.
A week for a 3yo to spend with his dad sounds great. It's not like he is a baby still.

Also it sounds great to me that he wants to spend an entire week with him. But him yelling etc is not they way to go.
Why wouldn't you want your kid to go for a week? Is it because you don't want him to spend so much time with his dad. Or that you feel that you might not cope? Try to figure out why it is that you can say yes to 4 nights just not to 6 nights

Original poster

MarionJJ · 16/06/2020 09:25

He just wants a one off week, as he is off.

There is history of abuse and aggression, and in the past has just kept him an extra night which hasnt been agreed. I do feel that a week is too long for a 3 year old. He has every other weekend 3 nights, wihen leading up to this, I tried to do things slowing upping it 1 night at a time, we have been flexible since the lockdown, and has had extended times, last time he said he was ready to come back home, so only thought it was reasonable to do 1 extra, but 5 full days. When I try to talk to him, he just starts shouting in front of our son, which then causes me anxiety, when he just states just agree with him or it goes to court which he does all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarionJJ · 16/06/2020 09:26

How do other people work out contact and holiday arrangments?

OP posts:

StylishMummy · 16/06/2020 09:28

If he does 3 days every other weekend then why can't he have his son for a full week? If he's abusive he shouldn't have any contact, if he's not then he should have more time with his son if it can be facilitated. Unfortunately he's 50% his fathers unless a court says otherwise

ratethesenames · 16/06/2020 09:30

My 3yo would be really upset to be away from me for a week and DH and I aren't separated. He would really miss me. He'd miss DH after 3 or 4 nights too I think.

TeacupDrama · 16/06/2020 09:31

Often the arrangement of EOW includes half of the holidays so 3 weeks of the summer holidays would be reasonable not as 3 consecutive weeks but a father wanting a whole week to take his son on holiday or for staycation or to see his parents in different part of the country is not going to be seen as unreasonable

theonlywayisapple · 16/06/2020 09:34

He is the parent as well. How would you feel if he denied you a full week? Can't stand mothers who use their kids as pawns

dicksplash · 16/06/2020 09:38

The shouting aside as that is clearly wrong and inappropriate.

Why shouldn't he have his son for a week? Why is it seen that children can't be away from mums for a long period but it's perfectly ok for them to be away from their dads?

The longer this sort of arrangement goes on the harder and weirder it will be for children to spend longer periods with the nrp (usually the dad).

I would hope if my husband and I broke up we would start with 50/50 as the norm. As much as I would miss my children I know my DH would miss them as much and just because I am mum doesn't mean my wants out strip his.

FatalSecrets · 16/06/2020 09:41

Document the shouting, aggression and abuse.

Let him take you to court. You’ve shown you’re trying to be reasonable by gradually upping contact.

Does he pay maintenance?

EasynowPatrick · 16/06/2020 09:55

It’s not about being away from mum vs dad, it’s about being away from their primary care giver. Lots of 3 year olds would be ok with this but lots wouldn’t.

TheHarryFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 16/06/2020 10:04

I think that as your ds is used to spending three nights at his dad’s, a week isn’t unreasonable and I don’t know why people are saying the courts wouldn’t grant it.

Do you have concerns about his care of ds? Does ds have a positive relationship with him? Does ds cope ok with the three nights?

I think promoting his relationship with both parents is important. His dad doesn’t sound very nice though on the one hand but I also think I would be frustrated and upset if my ex told me I couldn’t have a week off with my child so it’s hard to know who is unreasonable there. But on the face of it Yabu not to let ds spend a week with his dad.

toomuchpeppapig · 16/06/2020 10:06

Let him take you to court if you're really that bothered. Be aware though that if he actually bothers to do so you may have to let him have more access going forward, permanently.

StealthMama · 16/06/2020 10:11

He has every right to take you to court, and you have no reason too prevent this level of contact. It seems rational that your ex would be angry in this situation. The courts would likely see favourably towards your ex these days as they like 50/50 as much as possible.

If 3 yr old isn't happy then he can come home early, but no reason to not try it and see.....

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