AIBU to not want my 3 year old to sleep at his fathers for a week?

[MarionJJ]

My ex has asked for our son for a week. I said I will accept contact for 4 nights, but he wasnt happy, he starts shouting and becomes aggressive every time he doesnt get what he wants. He said if I dont give him what he wants he will take me to court. What contact arrangments does other people have?

I don't understand the difference between 4 nights and a week. To me it seems you are trying to control the situation rather talk like equals.
Ignore those saying take him to court. You don't want to start this sort of negative communication and it will cost money and time and it will be your DD who will be hurt.
I also question the aggression and bullying to be honest as why would you have any contact at all if that was the case.
Think of your DS and what's best for him.

YABU. Of course a week isn’t too long - he’s his father. His equal other parent.

Regardless of what went on between you two in the past you need to put your child first and he needs to be able to stay with his father and get to know him without you trying to limit or control that.

He’s off for a week, clearly he won’t be keeping him longer than that as he has to go back to work.

He is abusive and an arsehole.

However, a week is not too long for a 3yo who regularly spends 3 nights with him. A week is a normal “holiday” length of time - why shouldn’t he be allowed a holiday with his son?

You may come back and say that he’s only doing this to get at you, but bottom line is that a week is not an unreasonable request, at all.

You should speak to a solicitor and call his bluff on the court threats. Set out a fair contact schedule - which you need to accept will include week long holiday periods.

As others have said. He is your son's father, why shouldn't be have him for a week? You because you dont want him to?

You say your son will miss you? Its your responsibility to make sure your son feels secure enough to spend time away from you. I bet you go on at your son saying "will you miss mummy?" Etc.
In an ideal world it should be 50/50
Grow up and stop using your son as a pawn and be thankful he has a relationship with his father

You are clearly not agreeing on level.of contact, and you are both seeing the other as manipulative. A week at 3yo when the child is used to being with their dad is perfectly reasonable do I understand why he is losing his patience with you if you say no for no apparent good reason.

At the same time, it should be up to him to decide to have him more when it suits him.

So going to court us probably for the best. It is likely he will be entitled to some time during holidays that will be a week or more so be prepared for that.

I think this is more about you not wanting to be away from your son for a week, OP.

Which is understandable, but it's just a one-off. Let him go and see his dad. If he can stay there 3/4 nights then I'm sure he can manage seven.

He’s using access and the threat of court to cause drama.

What would happen if you just agreed? I don’t mean roll over for any ludicrous demands, but for a week, sure, why not?

Either your child will have a lovely week with their dad, or they will miss you and tell him they want to come home and he’ll probably cut it short rather than deal with an upset and whinging child!

I know it’s not easy, but in cases like this, where there has been emotional abuse of you, but he’s still clearly capable of looking after the child (and if not, then the kid shouldn’t be there for 4 nights anyway!), the best course of action is to take the heat out of it and try to take his power away.

He wants a week, sure. He wants to go 50/50 - sure. He wants to take the kid on holiday, why not? You’d want to be able to do the same. Christmas days, alternate. One parent doesn’t get every year, no matter how miserable a day it might be for you, the child gets to spend it with a parent who wants them. That’s priceless.

How this usually goes is that the feckless dad realises he’s not having any impact and will try something else - probably returning the child earlier than agreed. (You’ll be out!) or changing plans last minute and not turning up.

Essentially, if it’s a game to him, don’t play.

If he’s serious, then you can try out different arrangements until you find one that works.

I know it’s hard. I always felt very aggrieved that my XH had been such a shit dad when we were married and now he wanted them for two nights in a row or to take them on holiday with him etc. It soon dwindled as he realised it was hard work looking after 3 DCs on his own!!

Good luck with it

My friend refused her ex to have their ds an extra two hours on a Sunday every other weekend, SHE took him to court over it but the judge granted nearly 50/50 time share. So she’s gone from him having him every other weekend and one night over week to practically every other week and she’s distraught. Courts don’t like mothers withholding for no reason and many are going towards split time share. I’d tread carefully and let them spend a week together, maybe you can take him out for dinner one night so you can see him.

Go to court, get contact agreed legally because you clearly aren't capable of working it out between you. But be prepared for the court to say that the father can have his own child for a week sometimes. That's perfectly reasonable at this age.

I am surprised you don't already have a contact order in place if there is a history of abuse.

Why not pre-empt him and take the issue to court yourself and set up a more formal contact agreement? It would show you have your child's stability at heart. You can represent yourself.

Or you can do this: Parenting Agreement which is not a legal document but helps both parents.

If he’s this aggressive then I can understand why you don’t want him to have this long!

However as others have said, courts can be very blind to this sort of thing. I think it’s good to keep documenting this sort of aggressive behaviour.

My ds did have week long time with his Dad aged 2 and he was ok. In fact better than he is now aged 6!

So many sweeping judgements.

Firstly, if he is abusive, then why are you even allowing long weekends? He’s either abusive or he isn’t. And if he’s abusive/ a danger than even 3 or 4 nights is too long. What difference (assuming he’s abusive as you say) would 2 or 3 extra nights make?

If you’ve allowed the 3 to 4 nights then that’s the question a judge would ask you. And for all the people saying let him go to court he won’t get it? Tread carefully. He may get that and much more.

Let the child go.

A week is perfectly reasonable if your DS is already spending 3 nights at a time with his father. If you're worried DS would miss you, why not seek to negotiate a way to building up to a week with Dad? Given that 3 nights is already OK, why not propose 5 nights this time, and then 7 next time? Try to keep this out of court. Unless there's a major backstory you haven't given here, I suspect a court would let him have a week at a time, and he may end up with more contact overall. And once you have a rigid contact schedule, you can get in trouble if you don't make your child available for all the contact the court has ordered.

It's about the child being old enough to understand the idea! Of time, of where their primary care giver is, of when they get to go back. Being able to ask to phone them if they want to. How insecure it must make them to not understand that. As for 'fun' even on a week's holiday somewhere lovely with both parents my toddler was asking to go home.