Who else is the breadwinner here?

[lunepremiere79]

No aibu, just posting for traffic here. For background, DH used to be a high earner for the first 9 years of our relationship. Got made redundant last year and has been searching for jobs ever since. Now with the lockdown and the aftermath chances of finding something are very slim. I went back to work full time after maternity and he is a stay at home dad for now but looks like this might become a longer term arrangement. We'll be ok on my salary, but wanted to hear from others who might have been in the same situation - how did it work out for you? Any words of advice?

I'm the sole breadwinner, my daughter's dad and I aren't together and he doesn't contribute anything. I out-earn him significantly so I don't mind not having the financial contribution but I struggle with having to do absolutely everything, have a very demanding (currently at home) job and doing all childcare, plus all the admin/mental load.

It's exhausting and I frequently feel resentful that he doesn't do any childcare at all, but to be honest I wouldn't ever trade it for having to play financial second fiddle to someone else. I'm massively grateful that I haven't had to downgrade my career in order to facilitate someone else's and to watch my life go off track while someone else climbs the greasy pole.

I get tired having to be mum and dad all the time and pick up absolutely everything but I'd far rather do that than have to pick up all the drudgery for someone who was out making money and treating me like an unpaid domestic servant.

I regret that I don't spend more time with my kid, is the only thing. And I work like a nutter. But I still wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm the breadwinner. DH has health and mental issues so hasn't had a job for several years. He's now a SAHD and I work, although the virus has meant I'm not earning as much as we need (part-time permanent teaching job and was topping up with session teaching at a centre). Luckily we have some savings but I do worry about our finances.

I'm likely to be the breadwinner for my entire life, including into retirement as I'd get a teaching pension and a state one (if they're worth anything by then). I'd love to save more and not spend it but just need to get through the next year. So stressful.

I am. I earn three times what DP does and therefore pay the lion's share of all bills. It's stressful as I feel all the pressure and responsibility is on me, but then I'm grateful to be in a good job.

Unfortunately Im the main earner in our house too and have been since the day I started work.

My husband husband is a key worker and low paid and works nights.

I've been the main earner since my first job on 18k.

It's so hard taking all the strain and I wish he earnt more so all the pressure wasn't on me .

I dont get to drop my kids off at school or pick them up I get half an hour with them when I get home and they get in bed .

I see other mums doing the school run or being able to be a stay at home mum and it breaks my heart. I dont have this choice.

My husband isn't skilled and does an unskilled keyworker role and he isnt likely to retrain or want to do anything else to earn more .

I am but only by about £600 per year. It’s weird it’s worked out that way with our salaries despite being in quite different fields.

I'm the breadwinner and always have been. Sometimes earning 2x as much as DH, other times earning 4x as much.

My only advice is to make sure that each of you had the same access to 'luxury' money - even if it's just little luxuries like a decent haircut, or a nice lunch.

So I pay the lion's share of most things, and I save more than he does, but we have an equal amount of spending money.

@ThisIsMeOrIsIt do you worry about custody if you split up? I'm starting to realise that my DH may never be well enough to work full time and that I may have to and him stay home. I'm worried that then he would be able to take custody if them if we split up.

I am. Dh has a full time job but can be flexible, and doesn't earn much. I'm a teacher at the top of the pay scale but with no extra responsibilities. I earn about double what dh earns.

Yep, currently earn more than double DH though until recently we were evenly matched. Never been an issue really. It would be handy if he earned more just because it might give us more options but we don’t lead a very exciting life so don’t really miss it.

Very similar situation to you OP. DH was a high earner until he got made redundant in November. I’m also a high earner and we have savings, but also high bills, primarily school fees. I really don’t want to have to take DC out of their fantastic school.

DH doesn’t seem at all bothered about even looking for another job and I’m starting to get mightily pissed off and stressed about it. We’re fortunate than we can pay the bills on my salary but not with any of the nice things in life. I’m annoyed that I’m working so hard, making good money yet if he doesn’t go back to work, there will be no holidays, we’ll have to cut back on DC’s activities, the cleaner etc. It’s not what I signed up for.

I am and have been for a long time. Earn multiple times what my partner does.

Feel financially secure and in charge of my own (and our) destiny. It works best for us/the DC this way.

Also feel the pressure of it. Still do 50/50 of everything despite working more hours and not going to lie whilst my DP is very progressive about equality, at times the 'balance of power' in our relationship isn't easy. When women are the main breadwinners it seems they take on more than male equivalents at home and mental load. I'm v senior at work and sometimes get accused of being bossy or delegating at home. Feel that wouldn't be said about a man as perception of female leaders is they're 'alpha'. The dynamic in the relationship can then be more than just the financials.

Thankfully my husband now has a job, though it is low paid but he was unemployed for a long time. I nearly killed him one day during his unemployment when he moaned about how tired he was when I was working full time and 8 months pregnant!! I do often resent the fact that I feel stuck in a job I don't like as we rely on my income. I do wish he had more ambition and a better work ethic.

I am. DH and I moved away as I was offered my dream job. Unfortunately it meant that DH had to leave his part time job and, as we've moved to a smaller town, it's been much harder for him to find a job (we were in a bigger town/city previously). He has been unemployed over a year now.
My salary keeps us going and puts money in savings but I worry about money constantly and do feel the pressure. We still rent too and pretty sure we'll never own our own home unless we win the lottery!
We're very lucky that my job is stable and I'm still working throughout lockdown. Not key worker but WFH and occasional days working in the office when I need to.

Yes, I earn double what DH is paid, I have always been the main earner, which was hard when our kids were small. Like someone else said I feel a lot of responsibility, my work isn't easy but I couldn't downgrade my job even if I wanted too. Sometimes I wish DH was more ambitious, but I married him 24 years ago and I love him, so I fully accept that he won't change now. You have got to feel like a team in a relationship otherwise resentment will grow and fester, it shouldn't matter who earns more.

It's so stressful isn't it..I guess if so many men have been breadwinners in the past and presently, shouldn't really be a problem if the situation is reversed. I guess I just never thought I would be here right now.

@Edwinbear Same! We have savings but would struggle to afford nicer things and luxuries just on my income, though of course with dd not going to nursery we will be saving a fortune in the next couple of years. He still looks for jobs once in awhile but has pretty much given up I think, just enjoying pottering around the house and playing with the cats and dd. Could be different once the savings run out but I am cautiously optimistic for now

I am, earn about 3x husband's salary. And yes, it was me printing out their school work for the week for two hours yesterday while he watched TV with a glass of wine. 🙄. I'd rather not be the breadwinner but it just turned out this way....and like pp, he isn't going to suddenly become ambitious now.

I am the only earner, if you can call just above minimum wage a 'breadwinner'. My DH had an accident at work a few years ago, it couldve been fixed with surgery but the NHS said nope, but he's in too much pain to work. They just took his Pip away, so that helped. 🙄 We have a business but it made zero last year due to overheads, and zero this year due to cv19.

I'm the sole breadwinner. DH is over 60 and left a job that was very physical because he couldn't do it any longer and his health broke down.

I find it hard and it's difficult not to feel resentful. I teach, I'm tired and I have almost a dozen more years to go before I get my pension. We still have a mortgage, DC in uni and DC in school. He potters about happily at home whilst I feel sick that we are overdrawn every month, never have a holiday, every unexpected car bill is a nightmare.

I love him, but he was self employed all his days and paid nothing into a pension. He is entitled to no money now because I am working full time. And when I finally get to retire I'll be struggling to keep us both on the pension I have always paid into.

I feel frustrated..But what is the point in now saying you should have thought about a pension. Or what you would do when you couldn't work. He knows that. It's too late.

Just curious have any of you ever had any fights about the division of household tasks or childcare? The way I see it it's now his job to look after the house and so childcare when I am working. Granted I am wfh for the moment but still... before all this happened I did most of the household stuff and most of the childcare on mat leave. DH thinks that he does a lot (I dont quite see it that way). I asked him to step up and gave him a list of things he could do around the house. He is doing a lot more now, but looks so miserable sometimes . the lockdown isnt helping

I'm lucky in that although DH is unemployed, he does all the housework and gardening. I chip in at the weekends and take turns in cooking and washing up dishes throughout the week too though. He likes to keep busy so him being unemployed takes its toll on both of us financially and emotionally.

I am. Dh was for most of our marriage, but he got sick and it's something that will never go away and can reactivate.
So I go to work and he does just about everyting else, in his own time with sit down breaks and naps as needed.
I shop for food weeky and do ironing, and usually cook once a week. thats it.

I earn about x10 what dh does and to be honest it’s pretty stressful. I’d much rather a traditional set up it would be easier. I still
Take
On a huge amount of mental load and domestic responsibilities and slightly resent it all.

Yes I am. I sometimes get jealous that I work so hard but we don't really see the benefit of my high salary as he is much lower paid. I would rather that we both earned in the middle so I could have a less pressured job.

Me too - these posts have made me feel really reassured that my resentment is normal. DP stopped working due to a chronic illness that is now mainly resolved,

I happen to have a decent job so we can live off my salary but it's not the life I had expected to have. I resent being forced into this position although I do love myDP and he is a good father. House and garden are not well kept because he isn't that way inclined and I refuse to do all the housework on top of my 11 hour day. We have a lot of arguments about housework.

He is probably better enough now that he could return to work in sept when our youngest DD starts school but with Covid now I doubt that will happen.

I do worry that if we split he would get custody as main carer and probably get to stay in the family home.

I feel it has affected our relationship vis a power balance. We could do with some counselling I think to work through some of the issues.

@Bluefargo. Yes, this sounds familiar. I suspect my DH finds the power balance difficult. He rarely buys anything for himself and has said a couple of times I'm a burden on you. The only answer to that it feels ok to give is of course you're not...but, by God, there are days it feels it.

Because of his age and traditional working class background I think he finds it awkward not bringing money in. And he really couldn't do much, particularly now. Area of mass unemployment anyway.