Who else is the breadwinner here?

[lunepremiere79]

No aibu, just posting for traffic here. For background, DH used to be a high earner for the first 9 years of our relationship. Got made redundant last year and has been searching for jobs ever since. Now with the lockdown and the aftermath chances of finding something are very slim. I went back to work full time after maternity and he is a stay at home dad for now but looks like this might become a longer term arrangement. We'll be ok on my salary, but wanted to hear from others who might have been in the same situation - how did it work out for you? Any words of advice?

I am the breadwinner as DH is currently self employed and the main caretaker for our kids. Once he goes back to full time employment he has the potential to earn much more than me. I don't mind our situation, it's a choice we've made. I just want to increase my own earning potential through training etc.

I am, my husband left his job in theatre to be a stay at home dad, he was previously working 6 days a week and touring so not ideal! He did have lots of freelance work lined up but Covid saw that off!

I love the first post after op's. Totally understand.

I am - I work full time, my husband works 10 hours a week in a minimum wage job. I'm happy with that as it means he does the bulk of the housework, cooking and shopping which are all things I find less congenial than working. I'd never voluntarily put myself in a situation where I didn't earn enough to support myself independently - but I don't mind financially supporting my husband as long as he makes a contribution in other ways.

I earn twice as much as my husband so in effect am the main earner. It is a lot of pressure sometimes

I currently am but it’s by accident. DH is self employed and was the sole earner for many years after the birth of our first DC. I had a stressful corporate role and couldn’t face returning to it with a small baby at home. He was happy to support me being at home with all of our subsequent DC - so in total, probably about seven years. Some days he left before the DC got up and came back after they were in bed. He works extremely hard and was successful in what he did but I admit, I struggled with being a SAHM for so long. There were days I resented him going for lunch with friends in the middle of the day because he was free to do so. Or the opportunities he had to travel with his business whilst I was at home with what felt like endless monotony.

We had been saving to buy our first property but it was becoming increasingly clear we needed two incomes. I found a role locally with a lot of flexibility and because DH could be flexible however he wished, he stayed at home with our youngest until school pick up time - at which point I finished work and we’d switch over as he had clients in the evening. I then got a much better paid role, began out earning DH and we bought our house. Everything was working really well - I had incredible flexibility in my role and we had an awesome set up where we both worked but also both got to see our children a lot.

But then Covid hit. DH’s business has taken a massive hit. I was fine for a while - I’m in digital marketing and working for a fintech start up who were incredibly agile and flexible. Working from home was no issue at all. But I’ve just been made redundant. The reality is, DH is hardly earning anything like what he was. During lockdown my salary was paying the mortgage and all bills. Which is completely fine. But now we have to accept that I need to find ANY new role that I can and we have to accept the previously wonderful set up we had is not a priority. I’ll try to have conversations about a little flexibility In any new role I hope I’m offered but paying the bills must come first and that means “normal” hours - not the insanely flexible hours I had previously. DH will most likely step into a more SAHP role but I’m not sure what will happen with his business when lockdown is lifted.

I feel anxious and scared, and I don’t know how DH bore the burden of being a sole earner for all those years. I want to step up and provide for us but I feel lost and worried.

I am. Always have been in our 14 years of marriage.
For a couple of years when eldest DC was a baby DH was a stay at home dad.
It worked for us. I never found it stressful that the financial burden was on me but then DH took on most of the house stuff when a SAHD so I didn't have that to think about.

Now he earns nearly as much as me and we split house work equally and childcare.

Does your DH see being a stay at home dad as a good thing? I think that is what will make it successful or not. If he doesn't want to be doing it and isn't going to pick up the house management then that is going to make it hard.

DW and I started out on around the same salary ( she was a little higher) but then I gave birth to the kids and went part-time and she's now on 5 x my salary. Partly due to the fact that she's incredibly ambitious, and a large part due to the fact her job always comes first and I'm the one working around the kids all the time so she's had free rein to go for all opportunities. I was still on a very good wage though.

It's not been an issue until recently, I'm now not working and doing all home schooling and child care and she's definitely feeling the pressure of being the temporary sole earner and resentful towards me. I find it a bit odd as she was essentially paying the majority of the bills before and I have my own savings/money to pay for all my own personal stuff like clothes etc.
I'm greatful that we still have her money coming in unaffected during the pandemic but getting a little tired of the jibes about her paying for everything when she's getting to work full time hours as normal because I'm homeschooling and doing everything else.
My 'unemployment' is temporary.
Resentment is a killer... if you're feeling that in your relationships and you want to keep them then something needs to change.

I really hope all those Mumsnettwrs who complain about their oh moaning about how it is hard for them too and wishes they helped the family finances by taking a job read this thread.

Being the main breadwinner is very stressful. Its not just a case of getting up, going to work, turning the computer off and forgetting about it until reaching the office again.

It's always on your mind because you know that the stability and happiness of your family depends on you. That even when you hate going to work because of issues with your boss, colleagues, corporate politics, unmeetable deadlines etc... you have to keep going or leave your family without the things that make them happy and even security.

I read so many threads where sahm or those working 2 or 3 days in less stressful jobs moan about their oh coming home tired and being accused of being lazy. This thread shows what comes with it. Not only having to keep the family going but with the constant knowledge that if you're not good enough, the wife can pack up and take your kids away do you only see them every other weekend or less if they move many miles away.

Yes. I'm a single parent, working full time.

My ex does pay maintenance but even what most people would think of as a good amount of maintenance is only the equivalent of a part time job.
So in that respect, unless their ex is very rich, all single parents are the breadwinners.

Hardly anyone gets child maintenance that's the equivalent of another full time wage unless they used to be married to Rod Stewart.

[quote TinyPigeon]@ThisIsMeOrIsIt do you worry about custody if you split up? I'm starting to realise that my DH may never be well enough to work full time and that I may have to and him stay home. I'm worried that then he would be able to take custody if them if we split up.[/quote]
Tbh, I can't imagine us splitting up. We had a short break 6 years ago because I wanted to start a family and be married but he kept putting it off, so now we have all that I'm content and our relationship is good. He'd never choose to leave, because of his mental health state.

Even if we did split, though, he wouldn't go for 100% custody, as he would very much struggle to have the DC all day every day on his own. Plus he isn't vindictive in the slightest and would know I would want the DC at least half the time.

I guess the key is that both are happy with the set up, and the other is pulling weight around the house. DH is not a doer, rather he only does a set amount on his own terms at his own pace. I would be happy to be the sole income provider if I know that DH takes care of everything around the house and I dont need to worry after a long working day. This is not the care right now ( even though he is doing a lot more). I am wfh do it's easier to manage hh tasks and work, but if and when I go back to my long 1.5 hour commute every day then it will become a problem. I don't think he will be happy to do house cleaning or cooking for instance and i can easily see myself growing more resentful as I'll have to then hire a cleaner and rely on ready meals. Maybe I am catastrophising and things will turns out better than I think

One problem women suffer IME is that some workplaces have not moved with the times. There is still an underlying assumption that if a man has a baby that he will become more serious about his career where if a woman has a baby she will become less serious about her career.

Having discussed this with fellow managers I have heard senior managers admit this (off the record).

This then impacts on opportunities to progress career, be offered projects etc etc.

I am sure that plenty of people havent had this experience but plenty have. Plenty of times I have seen this in operation without people even noticing they are doing it.

Similar to a couple of you, we are older and no DC at home/no mortgage, so not quite the pressure. DH was the main earner back then, I am now, and he's really cool about it and does 50% of the housework.

He's currently furloughed and it's made me realise I do need him to work for my sanity I just don't mind at what as long as he's happy and productive.

@lunepremiere79 is he actively looking for a new job or using lockdown as an excuse?

For us it has helped that DH is totally practical. He has never seen being SAHD as being demeaning or emasculating. He sees keeping us all in good order as his job. He's good at it and rightly takes pride in being good at it. He has time/funds to do things which interest him: go to the gym, watch sport on TV, DIY projects. I have never thought let alone said 'what do you do all day?'

I am as DH is a sahd and brilliant at it. He does everything round the house and we went from stressing all the time when we both worked to now being content. Neither of us feel pulled in different directions.

But I have secure employment - my salary is predefined and I will always have a job so I don’t worry about being made redundant, pay cuts etc which I think makes a big difference.

[quote GnomeDePlume]**@lunepremiere79 is he actively looking for a new job or using lockdown as an excuse?

For us it has helped that DH is totally practical. He has never seen being SAHD as being demeaning or emasculating. He sees keeping us all in good order as his job. He's good at it and rightly takes pride in being good at it. He has time/funds to do things which interest him: go to the gym, watch sport on TV, DIY projects. I have never thought let alone said 'what do you do all day?'[/quote]
Yes and no. He was actively looking for the first few months and now jobs in his industry have dried up (I know this as I've also set up online alerts on a few sites to help him). So he is looking but not having much luck. He's applied for many jobs outside his industry but had no luck. So, not sure whether or not he is using lockdown as an excuse really...I guess he could be, but I dont want him to be unhappy accepting a minimum wage job that he is over qualified for if he could help out with dd and do some stuff around the house. He's been a lot more interested in the garden lately, which took me by surprise. It's going to look lovely in the summer . He out earned me for the most of our relationship and has always paid for large ticket items and has been very generous with me and dd.

Yes, I significantly out earn my husband. But he would be classed as a High earner in his own right. It’s not an issue to us, and for years he out earned me.

We simply ensure our disposable income is the same, so I put a much higher amount into the joint account than him. Previously he did.

I’m not sure if it would have worked so well if one of us was a low earner and the other unemployed, as money problems are hard, but who out earns who has never been an issue to us thank fully.

I wasnt meaning he should accept any job but more what his approach was. Is he treating looking for a job as a job? Has he applied for Job Seekers allowance? I would assume he would qualify for contributions based JSA?

When I was made redundant I had a good payout so took a couple of months off then started applying for jobs. Applying for JSA made me focus my mind. I couldnt just send off a few CVs to recruiters and sit back. I was expected to follow up, keep a record etc.

Eventually I found my way back in through contracting roles.

I'm the sole breadwinner but through circumstance rather then choice (due to a period of ill health my dh hasn't been able to work for a couple of years).

I'm not a high earner however I make enough to cover the essentials but we've had to cut back as he earned more than me before he became unwell.

He takes care of most things at home as well as childcare so I'm not physically tired but there are times when mentally I am. It's the pressure of feeling responsible for providing for the whole family and it's kept me awake at night on more then one occasion.

It's a mixed bag really as I'm grateful I have the ability to work and earn enough to pay the bills and keep us in our home and I do feel proud of myself for keeping us afloat but I also really look forward to a time when he can take some of that pressure off, even if he can't earn like he did before.

I am, but in a different situation to most. When my mum became ill I asked her to move in with me, and she can't work so I'm the breadwinner for our house.

Our setup is a bit like an old-fashioned couple's; she loves cleaning so she does pretty much all the housework, and also a lot of the cooking. I earn the money and do the driving.

It has its challenges. She hates taking money from me (she feels parents are supposed to support their children, not the other way around). I have the added stress of knowing that if I lose my job, it's not just me affected. But overall it really works.

He has applied for JSA just recently, but I think they might be less strict with asking for proof now due to lockdown, as they didnt ask him to go for an interview. Not sure what kind of proof they require, but know his application was approved. He has been applying for lots of jobs though but no call backs over the past 4 months at all, just rejections

I am. Dp was for yonks..now it is me. I worry sometimes as my health is up n down but he drives ( I do intend to learn ..again!) And one of our children is home edded. He does loads re house and everything else. He would work prob part time if there was anything!

I am but DH has never been a high earner. He is a SAHD and has tried to get jobs but we live in a university town, so I think the jobs that would suit (zero hour shop stuff - we have kids but they are school age) are regularly picked up by 18-21 year olds which is obviously more economical for the shop.

We are fine, money-wise, but he can be very lazy and do the typical thing of leaving the mental load to me and doing the bare minimum of housework which I find very upsetting.

I'm the main breadwinner.
Hubby worked in construction until 2000 when he got made redundant. Applied for hundreds of jobs,ended up being self employed before getting a job as a school caretaker. He loved it,but sadly had to give up due to ill health- he has lots of conditions which mean he can't work. He claims ESA and we get a motobility car. I'm self employed so my money differs every month, and the last few weeks have been really tough....but that's life.
It's tough....if I'm ill I still have to work and I'm in charge of the finances
But it's even tougher for him. He was always busy, running up and down ladders, fitting windows, building conservatories....and he was very very good at his job! Nowadays he needs 2 walking sticks to just get out the house to the car. He blames himself when money is tight..... I blame his illnesses. It's heartbreaking to see him like it.