Who else is the breadwinner here?

[lunepremiere79]

No aibu, just posting for traffic here. For background, DH used to be a high earner for the first 9 years of our relationship. Got made redundant last year and has been searching for jobs ever since. Now with the lockdown and the aftermath chances of finding something are very slim. I went back to work full time after maternity and he is a stay at home dad for now but looks like this might become a longer term arrangement. We'll be ok on my salary, but wanted to hear from others who might have been in the same situation - how did it work out for you? Any words of advice?

I don't think I could marry or make a life with a man or woman who lacked ambition, I find it really unattractive. I suppose it is a red line for me but I wouldn't have thought of it that way as I'm just not attracted to people who bumble along (as friends or romantically I suppose).

I outearn my DP right now by maybe 1/3rd but he's working his way up his company, always taking on lots more responsibilities pitching new ideas and getting pay rises and good feedback so it wouldn't bother me (emotionally) if he earned less, although who can deny a bit more money is always nice!

I am. DH is older than me and it now transpires that he has zero pension plans.

More fool me for not making sure before we got together but now he's cut work down to three days a week and is also claiming state pension. I earn twice what he does (pension aside) but am increasingly resentful that I will be expected to earn more money with fewer perks as he inevitably works less and our income drops.

Then I think I'm a bitch for feeling like this over money. I asked here once if IWBU about it and got my arse handed to me

I am, I earned three times my ex's salary when we were together. I kicked him out pre lockdown because he'd stopped paying towards any of the bills, apparently I earned enough to pay for both of us.

I'm finding this thread really interesting. I earn more than my DP (not married) but he is self employed so has the capacity to out-earn me on a good year but probably not by much. It was agreed when we purchased the house that we'd be equally responsible for half the mortgage and half the bills. This amount was X each. I'm now on maternity leave and looking at going back PT so I can spend time with our baby still. He asked me what if he wanted to be PT. I said that's fine as long as you can still contribute X I don't care what you earn. I could still do X so alls well. I had a couple of threads on here about various things to do with finances and people told me to go back full time not to rely on him (in relation to pt working) - I wouldn't be relying on him. I was also told as I earn more I ought to go back ft to pay my way but the deal was always we each pay X. I can afford that on a PT salary. Call me heartless but unless there was something seriously wrong with him (and we have insurance for that!) then I will only ever stick to the X arrangement because that was the deal. I know he wouldn't wish to support me being a SAHP and I don't wish to do the same likewise. If that ended up happening and he wouldn't contribute his half then I'd ask for more share in the house to be transferred to me.

I am, we have swapped and changes. Never been an issue. The bills always get paid, transfer each other money as and when needed, regularly if needs be.

It's all team money and we each have enough in our accounts to buy what we need personally as well as for the family.

I always earned more than my husband. Since he was made redundant 3 years ago he has been a house husband. At first he said that he found it very emasculating, he's a bit old school in that the man should be the breadwinner. I eventually hammered it home that it was the 21st century and being a househusband is nothing to be ashamed of. He quite likes it now. I must add that our children are adults and we are mortgage free which of course makes a huge difference

@BlessYourCottonSocks

I'm the sole breadwinner in our house too, and husband has always been self employed and not paid into a pension. He did have bits of freelance work but Covid has stopped that.

Fortunately we have paid off the mortgage and kids are older, but all still living at home. I separated our finances some years ago, and basically pay for everything. He insists on running an expensive car - £300 a month - which was fine when he was earning, but not now.

Sometimes I do feel resentful. I don't have a big wage but thankfully it's enough for us all to live on. I do wonder what the heck he would do if we split up, as I don't think he would manage moneywise !

we have been together for 40 years and in that time there have been disparities in our earning power - i worked part time when our children were very small, he was then made redundant in the 80s and I upped to fulltime and he stayed home. I then retrained and he remained at home but once I had qualifies he then retrained. I earn more now but am about to retire and he will continue to work for another couple of years before we use savings to allow him to retire early. It's always been family money so never really caused major problems

I became sole breadwinner after DC3 was born. Three children in childcare just wasnt going to work.

DH was SAHD for many years. This was absolutely brilliant for DCs. It was also great for me. Never any worries if DCs were unwell. DH totally looked after the home, all cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, DIY. He saw these as his job. He made sure that everything was done so that weekends and evenings required minimal housework.

DH is a doer. He is hugely practical and skilled. I'm the planner. DH has passed on practical skills to the DCs. During lockdown DD1 has built herself a garden table. DH provided tools and a bit of advice on approach but DD was the one who actually did it.

When DCs were older DH went back to work. It was difficult for him to find work as he had been out of the workplace for about 10 years. He now works 24 hours/week in a NMW job. As far as work is concerned he has no ambition. He is in his 50s. If the gods permit, this is us until retirement.

There have been times when it has been very stressful. Everything in terms of providing for the family was on me. This has meant putting up with crappy bosses, having to push for career development, having to worry about company restructuring knowing that if I lost my job that we would be in big trouble.

If I had my time again I would still do it the same way. It works for us.

I'm interested in what the word 'breadwinner' means to different people. I'd have thought if both of you are earning, both are 'winning bread'! But some posters seem to imply only the person earning most is a breadwinner e.g. saying "I'm the breadwinner, but not by much."

It's not really a word I'd use, but if I had to maybe I'd say my wife (who earns double what I do, even though she works three days a week to my five) was the main breadwinner, but not the only one!

My ex was part time he worked 3 days a week one of which was weekend. The expectation was he would do houses stuff the other 3 days (both kids at school)
In practice I got more and more resentful - I left the house at 6 am back 13 hours later and still ended up having to tidy up / wash up.

I never expected house to be tidy etc in school holidays but for 18 hours a week term time he did what he fancied! I refused to pay for a cleaner as it would come from my cash what was paying for everything as he frittered so much money away. We are now divorced and aside from juggling childcare / school life is much easier. The house is less messy, I have a cleaner and i am doing ok money wise.

These threads are food for thought. My DH refuses to pay into a pension, point blank refuses, stating they are a con, he will be dead by that age, he’ll just keep working blah blah blah. It is so very frustrating as I feel very responsible for our family finances. He is generous though and so my plan is to try to overpay the mortgage with money he gives me (which he would be happy for me to fritter on shite) so if nothing else, we are mortgage free in our late 50’s.
It is very frustrating to be the only one playing the long game and causes lots of resentment.

I am - dp was a high earner but had health issues became a sahd and we haven’t looked back.
Never row about money but sometimes divisions of tasks and effort.
However it’s a blessing in lockdown as he can fully focus on homeschooling.

Similar to @GnomeDePlume here - I’m the sole earner and DH is a SAHD.

We realized the combination of my earning power + his hesitation push himself + my being not very good at SAHM (during maternity leave) = more sense for me to push my career while his took a back seat and he took on more at home.

It’s been a strategy that has largely worked for us. Like above, he’s a doer and I’m a planner so him taking care of literally everything at home, and me with a senior career, means we are playing to our strengths.

However, there is some resentment - he and the kids are a proper trio and I sometimes feel not part of that, plus it’s been harder to make friends as I’m not the one at the school meeting other parents. And the kids often go to him first for things now, which stings a little. He also has no idea about financial stuff and we’re starting to plan for retirement etc and it’s obvious it all will fall to me - both in terms of planning and funds.

He is likely to go PT back to work as self employed in the next year or so and could viably build a strong and successful business. But he’s lacking in business acumen and confidence and after years of trying to help him, I’ve accepted that this is who he is, and the effort to find the confidence has to come from him - I’m not his parent.

So for us it works as it is, and I think it’s the best set-up we could have on a practical level, in that his reluctance to really go for it means we have the luxury of one parent at home but still a very nice life via my career. But then hesitation, reluctance, lacking ambition, lacking confidence, could do well, does lead to an undercurrent of frustration at times.

MingeofDeath interesting how your DH's views have changed.

Once, we had a colleague come to lunch with his wife and children. He was quite fascinated beforehand to see 'the dad be the mum'. Afterwards he said that he realised that DH was still the dad but got to do it more. Colleague was rather envious!

CasperGutman for me breadwinner means the paid job the household cant do without. Having been tracking our finances more closely over the last few months I can see that with belt tightening we could manage without DH's earnings. We couldnt manage without mine.

I earn 3-4x what dh does. He works 2 days a week and does virtually all housework, cooks most days, walks dogs etc. I probably take more of the mental and parenting load (DD 14 is autistic). He is totally unambitious, but is very tolerant of my workaholic lack of work-life balance. Family money - neither of us has a sense of my income/your income, it's just'ours'. Very similar spending habits though, so we don't disagree about what is reasonable. It works for us - I left a secure, well paid job 2 yrs ago with his full support and willingness to try to earn more/risk a drop in income.

DH and I both earn similar amounts. We have a big mortgage & childcare bill & would be a bit stuffed if either of us lost our jobs. Its taken me years to train DH into doing a remotely fair share of the housework/mental load (because I just can't do everything) even then, like lots of the ladies I work with, I've had to recently drop to a 4 day week. Things at home were getting neglected and the best way to put it is I care more about that than DH does, do I'm the one who has cut back on work. Luckily my job is flexible.

I am. DP works but earns less than half my wage. I work very long hours in a demanding job, whilst DP does standard 40 hours, always can leave on time.

It’s hard as others said not spending as much time with DS. I wish I could pick him up at nursery rather than being the mum who misses dinner and has to rush home to do bedtime.

At the moment I’m still working full time and DP is furloughed. We definitely had to have a few discussions about division of responsibility and mental load and how he needed to start doing more than just looking after DS (more cleaning, more organising, more to do lists, etc). He now does almost
everything I was doing before and we feel much more like a team.

I resent it sometimes and wish DP would get a better job but I know it isn’t necessarily that easy. DP has a large chunk of savings from family (only child) and we share finances which works out pretty fairly, or if anything in my favour (DP’s savings allowed me a full maternity leave). We don’t have a shared account but transfer money back and forth as needed.

It’s been nice reading this thread as sometimes I feel like I’m the only one in this position!

Forky123 I understand that feeling of feeling not part of things. We had a period when I was leaving the house before DCs got up and not getting home until after they were in bed. I felt like a ghost in my own family.

DH was the one who would take the DCs to the local zoo, play parks. When family visited he would take them out on day trips while I went to work.

Now DCs are in their 20s and getting ready to fly the nest. I hope we have equiped them to do it well. None of them have been left with a sense of men's roles and women's roles.

I am and have been for the last four years. DH earned more than me when we first met but sadly, his job made him very ill in the last 18 months he was there and he almost had a breakdown

He left work and I continued. I have been promoted twice since so my salary has increased. We had, and still have, significant savings so luckily it's not a worry.

It's worked well. DH can drop off/pick up DS from school which is nice. He does do some work, very part time and keeps himself very busy with jobs on the house.

I love my job and don't mind working. If we were not as financially secure, I may feel differently.

I've been the breadwinner for over 20 years. I mostly don't mind because I enjoy my job and it's well paid, but I'm now funding our young adult children through higher education as well, and I worry about what happens when I can no longer keep working at this intensity, or if I lose my job.

My DH is self-employed but after years of serious illness his earnings are small. I also work in his business as well as doing my own f/t job.

I was until I left STBEXH a year ago - I resented the fact that I earnt double what H did and also carried all the mental load as well as every single night waking solo with two babies that didn’t sleep - I used to go into work everyday exhausted whilst he had daily naps in the afternoon and 9 hrs unbroken sleep every night, the resentment was unbelievable.

We are in a slightly odd position were I own my.own business and work (officially) 3 days a week and earn x10 what my husband earns working 5 days a week in a support role in a school. It used to be more equal but he had a breakdown 6 years ago and had to leave a more stressful job whilst my career really took off.

However because I work fewer hours it does mean I do lots of childcare/ house stuff and tbh I often resent it. Had an arguement about washing / food organisation at the weekend actually as he is very laid back

I would hate being financially dependent on other people though and enjoy my work so no way I'd step down at least for now. I did find it hard when we had a tough patch a few years ago.... Would I lose the house? Custody of the children ? And have to pay spousal maintenance? I guess men have been dealing with this for years.

We've got the gnome/forky set up. I have high earning senior role, DH stay at home Dad since first pregnancy. He was made redundant at that time and we discussed set up and agreed SAHD would work best. He is the doer, I am the planner.

He does all housework, cooking, kids stuff etc. He is very practical but that also means he always has home improvements on the go. That is another blocker to him getting paid work - he just has to finish this thing.

I flip between resenting it all. I never expected it to last so long (kids are 10 and 12), I'm a high earner but we don't have the lifestyle of other high earners I work with with two incomes .. and being really thankful how easy and effective our life is.

Sorry ignore poor grammar and typos!