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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To delete messages so husband doesn’t get suspicious

96 replies

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:32

Totally platonic relationship I have with a former work colleague (I was his boss, he was crap at his job so was a bit of a mentor to him. In the end said he should just pursue his music!). 15 years younger than me. Good looking guy, but immature, hipster type.
Anyway, at the time my husband was a bit weirded out by our friendship, but was always a supportive thing. Remember once even invited him to the pub to meet us both when he broke up with his girlfriend and went a bit off rails so took time off work.
Anyway, eventually I had to phase him out as he did keep texting (just friendly) and husband did think it was all a bit weird.
Anyway, the other week he messaged me on FB asking for my number because he had written a song and wanted to sent it on WhatsApp.
Anyway, he sent it, just replied saying it was good and well done. He asked how life was now I’ve left London and I said it was great. That’s it.
Then randomly today he just text whilst we were on the sofa and said “sounds good!”.
Anyway....husband asked who it was. Because I couldn’t be arsed with the aggro or questions about why this guy was texting me again - I said it was one of the girls. I tried to sneakily delete it (had t previously deleted the message history as nothing to be worried about - just panicked in the moment).
He then noticed it wasn’t and now thinks something dodgy has been going on....even though he can see it was just a random song and he’s seen the FB message out of the blue asking for my number to send it to me.
Now he’s off in a sulk and won’t talk to me.
Tried to offer him a cup of tea but he just grunts.
I know I shouldn’t have lied - or tried to delete it - but feel like he’s being a bit stupid and just fancies having a sulk.
He said I should have told him who it was. I said to him that I just couldn’t be bothered with the aggro and it’s only X - so honestly lose either way.
Wish he wasn’t so paranoid, but do accept that perhaps fessing up would have been the lesser of two evils. Just thought I’d get away with deleting it and then it wouldn’t matter....
Have I been totally unreasonable and what should I do now?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 15/06/2020 21:34

Write this again where you and your husband are the opposite sexes and see what you think.

I can see your husband's point of view.

00100001 · 15/06/2020 21:35

Just tell him what you've told is... Apologise for being silly. Block the other bloke.

Move on.

Truthpact · 15/06/2020 21:37

OK..

How would you feel if your husband had a female friend you weren't happy about, they kept chatting, then he started deleting messages and hiding stuff?

Still think he's unreasonable?

CrumbsThatsQuick · 15/06/2020 21:37

Errrr.... two threads on this.... seems like you are trying to cover your tracks?

gamerchick · 15/06/2020 21:37

You shouldn't have lied, if course it looks bad.

00100001 · 15/06/2020 21:39

@HollowTalk

Write this again where you and your husband are the opposite sexes and see what you think.

I can see your husband's point of view.

Oooh.

Totally platonic relationship I have with a former work colleague (I was her boss, she was crap at her job so was a bit of a mentor to her. In the end said she should just pursue her music!). 15 years younger than me. Good looking girl, but immature, hipster type.
Anyway, at the time my wife was a bit weirded out by our friendship, but was always a supportive thing. Remember once even invited her to the pub to meet us both when she broke up with her boyfriend and went a bit off rails so took time off work.
Anyway, eventually I had to phase her out as she did keep texting (just friendly) and wife did think it was all a bit weird.
Anyway, the other week she messaged me on FB asking for my number because she had written a song and wanted to sent it on WhatsApp.
Anyway, she sent it, just replied saying it was good and well done. She asked how life was now I’ve left London and I said it was great. That’s it.
Then randomly today she just text whilst we were on the sofa and said “sounds good!”.
Anyway....wife asked who it was. Because I couldn’t be arsed with the aggro or questions about why this girl was texting me again - I said it was one of the boys. I tried to sneakily delete it (had t previously deleted the message history as nothing to be worried about - just panicked in the moment).
She then noticed it wasn’t and now thinks something dodgy has been going on....even though she can see it was just a random song and she's seen the FB message out of the blue asking for my number to send it to me.
Now she’s off in a sulk and won’t talk to me.
Tried to offer her a cup of tea but she just grunts.
I know I shouldn’t have lied - or tried to delete it - but feel like ahe’s being a bit stupid and just fancies having a sulk.
She said I should have told her who it was. I said to her that I just couldn’t be bothered with the aggro and it’s only X - so honestly lose either way.
Wish she wasn’t so paranoid, but do accept that perhaps fessing up would have been the lesser of two evils. Just thought I’d get away with deleting it and then it wouldn’t matter....
Have I been totally unreasonable and what should I do now?

Original poster

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:39

It’s not been long chatting. Literally a couple of messages in response to this (rather crap) song. To be honest I’d totally forgotten he’d even sent me previous text until he replied weeks later today.

OP posts:

Pinkyyy · 15/06/2020 21:40

You've had to do a lot of over explaining, never a good sign.

00100001 · 15/06/2020 21:40

I really don't understand why you didn't just ask him to send in in FB messenger ... Why give him your number at all???

Woodlandwalks · 15/06/2020 21:40

Yabu in my opinion. If my husband tried to delete a message and lie to me about it you can be damn sure I'd be 'in a sulk'. Look at it from his perspective; if he's caught you lying and trying to hide it this time why should he believe that you haven't lied and hidden other messages? I get that you panicked and didn't know what to do but still, it was a bad call so own it now; you were in the wrong, your husband is warranted to be a bit pissed off with you. If it was all so innocent why didn't you just tell him straight away when the first message popped up on Facebook? You certainly acted as though there was something to hide so it's not hard to see why your husband feels like that.

00100001 · 15/06/2020 21:42

...or when he got in touch, why you didn't just ignore him and then block him

Original poster

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:42

I suppose. Good point. I’d be miffed. But knowing the history etc I’m not sure I’d spend the whole evening sulking about.
He’s never thought we were seeing each other or anything, he just thought it was weird - have that he fancied me a bit (which he definitely didn’t) but never that it was both ways.
That said, if it was the other way around I’d probably want to rip the woman’s head off more than my husbands!

OP posts:

GoGold · 15/06/2020 21:42

You have been unreasonable, though I understand where you were coming from.

bumblebeefairy · 15/06/2020 21:42

I agree, over explaining and over thinking from the word go. I think you fancy him on some level. With this and the out of the blue messaging, I would be concerned being your husband too.

LemonPeonies · 15/06/2020 21:43

I've done similar in the past despite being just a friendship, deleted messages because my ex was jealous. It made him worse. Just be honest with him and don't do it again.

Original poster

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:44

I really didn’t think anything of it, to be fair.
To me it was just an old friend asking to send me something. Really hadn’t given it any thought until today when he popped up again randomly.

OP posts:

Dreeple · 15/06/2020 21:44

Play the game if you feel you must, but play it right.

Your spouse should have had no access to your messages, long before you started texting someone else.

Probably too late to tell you to switch off location on your phone.

Ughmaybenot · 15/06/2020 21:44

I don’t think you’re being quite honest here, with yourself or with us.
You know that this was a weird, dodgy thing to do and you know how shifty you now look. All you can do is be honest with your husband.. and not in the overly-complicated, excuse-ridden way you’ve explained here!

Springtime003 · 15/06/2020 21:44

Why not just have shown the innocent convo that’s what I would expect.

Russellbrandshair · 15/06/2020 21:45

You know this is dodgy otherwise you wouldn’t be posting about it or even have thought twice about it.

If it was your husband deleting messages from a younger attractive female colleague I doubt you would find it so reasonable. Delete the messages and block him. That’s it. That’s all you need to do. If you don’t want to - think about why that might be.....

Original poster

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:46

@bumblebeefairy

I agree, over explaining and over thinking from the word go. I think you fancy him on some level. With this and the out of the blue messaging, I would be concerned being your husband too.

Don’t get me wrong, I can certainly see he is attractive. Was definitely the office eye candy amongst the younger crew. But certainly don’t fancy him.

OP posts:

MegaClutterSlut · 15/06/2020 21:47

But by you being caught out on a lie has probably got him questioning your 'history' and I then wouldn't trust a single word you said

Original poster

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:48

@Springtime003

Why not just have shown the innocent convo that’s what I would expect.

I did in the end. And explained I was just trying to avoid any agro. Like I said, can’t win if I say “Oh it’s X” when he asks or whether I try a brush it under the rug....So he has seen it’s all totally innocent.

OP posts:

Truthpact · 15/06/2020 21:48

You have your answer, you'd be pissed if it was the other way around.

Don't knock down his feelings just because it's not you. That's not fair at all and makes you a shit wife. Go up there, grow the hell up and apologise to him. Block the number of the other guy, delete on FB etc and never speak of him again. If your husband means something to you, that will be easy.

Being brutal, but you're being stupid and need it.

EmotionalFlood · 15/06/2020 21:50

YABU how would you feel if your husband had done this? If it were me, I'd apologise and block this chaps number and on Facebook. Is this worth potentially ruining a marriage over??

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