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Original poster

To delete messages so husband doesn’t get suspicious

96 replies

Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 21:32

Totally platonic relationship I have with a former work colleague (I was his boss, he was crap at his job so was a bit of a mentor to him. In the end said he should just pursue his music!). 15 years younger than me. Good looking guy, but immature, hipster type.
Anyway, at the time my husband was a bit weirded out by our friendship, but was always a supportive thing. Remember once even invited him to the pub to meet us both when he broke up with his girlfriend and went a bit off rails so took time off work.
Anyway, eventually I had to phase him out as he did keep texting (just friendly) and husband did think it was all a bit weird.
Anyway, the other week he messaged me on FB asking for my number because he had written a song and wanted to sent it on WhatsApp.
Anyway, he sent it, just replied saying it was good and well done. He asked how life was now I’ve left London and I said it was great. That’s it.
Then randomly today he just text whilst we were on the sofa and said “sounds good!”.
Anyway....husband asked who it was. Because I couldn’t be arsed with the aggro or questions about why this guy was texting me again - I said it was one of the girls. I tried to sneakily delete it (had t previously deleted the message history as nothing to be worried about - just panicked in the moment).
He then noticed it wasn’t and now thinks something dodgy has been going on....even though he can see it was just a random song and he’s seen the FB message out of the blue asking for my number to send it to me.
Now he’s off in a sulk and won’t talk to me.
Tried to offer him a cup of tea but he just grunts.
I know I shouldn’t have lied - or tried to delete it - but feel like he’s being a bit stupid and just fancies having a sulk.
He said I should have told him who it was. I said to him that I just couldn’t be bothered with the aggro and it’s only X - so honestly lose either way.
Wish he wasn’t so paranoid, but do accept that perhaps fessing up would have been the lesser of two evils. Just thought I’d get away with deleting it and then it wouldn’t matter....
Have I been totally unreasonable and what should I do now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 23:00

@ATomeOfOnesOwn

So he's younger, good-looking and you had an inappropriate friendship with him. Then you rekindled it and lied about it to your DH. Then you tried to blame your DH for you lying about it. Lying and gaslighting are not a good combination. You need to ask yourself why you're risking your relationship and your DH's trust for some former 'colleague' you say you don't care about. Because either you're enjoying the flirtation or the drama or you just don't give a toss about your DH's feelings. You've behaved appallingly. And if your DH is on a male equivalent of MN, he'll be getting told that he can't trust you and you disrespect him. And they'd be right.
@ATomeOfOnesOwn

I’m not blaming him at all. I’ve been very open that I shouldn’t have deleted it, but sort of panicked in the moment as I didn’t want to cause a situation out of nothing. Backfired though. Had totally forgotten he’d even been in touch until he weirdly just replied to a message from a few weeks ago today.

Husband has said that he thinks this guy likes me and is trying to get my attention etc and I shouldn’t entertain it, even if it’s innocent. Which is totally true if he does like me - or even if not really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebecca980 · 15/06/2020 23:05

@VenusTiger
I agree. If I have to block - I wouldn’t want to do it out of the blue. I would prefer to either let him know it’s not appropriate (which I think he’ll think is weird as nothing has ever gone on!), or preferably just try and phase him out again and let husband know if/when he gets back in touch.
It’s actually quite sweet he thought of me to send this song to considering I’d always said he should concentrate on his music (because heaven knows he was bad at office work...) and thought to just send me an update. That’s all I think it was.
If I had thought it was weird, I would have deleted it at the time... Husband could have seen that any time. Only tried to delete the tonight when we he randomly messaged again weeks later at a bad time and I got questioned

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 15/06/2020 23:10

@Rebecca980

I suppose. Good point. I’d be miffed. But knowing the history etc I’m not sure I’d spend the whole evening sulking about. He’s never thought we were seeing each other or anything, he just thought it was weird - have that he fancied me a bit (which he definitely didn’t) but never that it was both ways. That said, if it was the other way around I’d probably want to rip the woman’s head off more than my husbands!
He isn't sulking about you being in touch with a bloke you used to work with.

He is upset that you lied to him and hid it from him.

How would you feel if some woman from his past started messaging him (especially one that had already sent your "off" meter into active mode) and he lied right to your face about it when you noticed something was off?

Not only does it make you look like you do actually have something to hide but it makes you look like you don't trust him or respect him and your relationship enough to be able to work it out together.

FrankieDoyle · 15/06/2020 23:16

If my husband did this to me, (lied about who he was texting) I would be angry and upset, and the trust would be damaged.

Truthpact · 15/06/2020 23:22

How would this guy even know if you blocked him? Why does he even need to know why? If you blocked him, for all he knows you changed your number, or got rid of fb. Just block him and forget him if he means nothing to you.

You're really just making excuses now for why you don't want to lose contact.

thewreckofthehesperus · 15/06/2020 23:32

Agree with Ginkypig. It's the lie that's probably bothering him, lying is so dangerous. You get caught out in one and even if it's something small you start to think 'if she'd lie about that what else would she lie about' or 'what else has she lied about to save an argument'

Apologise, tell him its not something you have a habit of doing and that it wont happen again.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2020 23:37

Why the two threads ? Are you testing out your cover story ?

Eckhart · 15/06/2020 23:37

The problem here starts with why you needed to lie. That's because you knew your husband would feel uncomfortable with your behaviour, and you would be uncomfortable with his response.

So. Do you think your behaviour was unacceptable, or do you think your husband's response was unacceptable?

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/06/2020 23:42

Im with the others, flip it on its head and see how you would feel. Especially if you posted it on MN and got the consensus on here that he is definitely up to no good.

People with nothing to hide dont lie. However, why you have something to hide is an issue you need to explore. Is it because you are hiding something you shouldnt be doing or because he is generally jealous and paranoid? My first husband was like that to the point where he accused me of having an affair with my (same sex) best friend because we talked every day.

Original poster
Rebecca980 · 16/06/2020 00:00

@pyongyangkipperbang
Generally because he’s a worrier.
It’s all fine. He says he understands and that he gets it, just that I don’t need to be worried about saying things like that because I want to avoid a big deal.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 16/06/2020 00:01

It's not about the incident anymore. Could have been anything. It's about trust and the fact you lied.

Original poster
Rebecca980 · 16/06/2020 00:01

@Eckhart
Definitely my response.

OP posts:
MaggieMay1972 · 16/06/2020 00:35

Your behaviour is suspicious so I’m not sure what you expect ?.

Eckhart · 16/06/2020 00:49

And so, why did you have such a response?

ChubbyPigeon · 16/06/2020 01:02

So you were messaging a younger, attractive former colleague who your DH has already had concerns about and then chose to delete his messages? Im sorry but that looks really suspicious

Why the fuck would you delete the messages if it was just a really short basic back and forth? Surely you just show your DH the messages if he gets upset?

Youve deleted the messages now so uour DH has no way of knowing if your story is true or not. Funny that

This definitely has a ring of the lady doth protest too much.

ChubbyPigeon · 16/06/2020 01:03

How young actually is he? And how old are you?

Because Im not buying 'hes eye candy to the younger girls but not to me' unless hes literally 18

Original poster
Rebecca980 · 16/06/2020 01:18

@ChubbyPigeon If you actually read the thread, you can see I tried to delete the message. I actually archived it (WhatsApp) and he has seen it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebecca980 · 16/06/2020 01:19

@Eckhart because I didn’t want any agro. Backfire!

OP posts:
Euclid · 16/06/2020 01:22

Always be honest to your spouse. No wonder the poor man is upset.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2020 01:38

You have massively fucked up and proven yourself to be a liar. Why your husband would ever trust you again is beyond me.

Well done.

calmama · 16/06/2020 01:47

I did the same, OP. Though my situation was different. My husband has a horrible jealous streak. The workmate was a significantly younger man like yours. Also wanted to be a musician. Only he was clearly interested in me. The messages started off innocuously enough but got more and more personal until they were entirely inappropriate. I’d made it clear I wasn’t interested. Made it clear I was in a serious relationship. He kept going anyway, arrogant little shit.

The guy was my bosses mate so I couldn’t have a word with him. My boss (idiotically) put him in charge when he wasn’t there. I got to the point where I had to actually tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. Finally, no more messages. But then he got nasty and was a nightmare to me at work. I couldn’t win.

I had deleted his messages because I knew it would create a huge drama with my husband as well given his pattern of jealousy. In retrospect I wish I had just told him and leave him to deal with his own jealousy because it was causing me a lot of stress.

Point is, you don’t say (from what I’ve seen) that your husband is a jealous type. But more a “worrier”. His reaction sounds normal. And despite everything he “understands”. He sounds like a good one to me so not sure why you would feel the need to lie to begin with. Don’t do it again!

Also, I’m not saying men and women can’t have friendships. Far from it. But if this guy is getting too much it might be worth reining it in. If not just for the sake of your marriage. He sounds a bit sweet on you, to be honest. I thought my workmate’s messages were innocent in the beginning too.

Somethingkindaoooo · 16/06/2020 01:50

OP
Are you flattered that the young un wants to be friends with you?

Yeahnahmum · 16/06/2020 01:57

Wow. Does your ego really need such a boost that you are willing to risk your relationship with your husband over some weird ego-boost-friendship with an ex colleague?

You f-ed up and lied to your husband. Who is now distrusting you AND Still you don't want to 'just block this guy without an explanation'. You have to sort your priorities out. Your husband might 'repay' you by doing the same thing to you...

Coyoacan · 16/06/2020 02:04

I don't like jealousy and what I am seeing in your relationship is a lack of trust on the part of your husband and a lack of honesty on your part.

There is nothing in what you have said to imply an inappropriate relationship with that young man and, unless you are holding back information, I don't it's right for either partner to tell the other who they can be friends with.

1forAll74 · 16/06/2020 02:12

I wouldn't have lied to your Husband as it wasn't necessary, but can see why you did,if you have a Husband who is narrow minded about some things.. You are surely allowed to have contact with anyone you wan't to.

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